Wish I had spent less time focusing on my DC and more on my DH

[Vispania]

I have fucked up. One of my DC is and was very hard work- numerous health issues, got worse in the pandemic. I have spent way too much time focusing on my DC and not enough on DH, or so he says. I made sporadic attempts to reconnect with DH over the years, but there was always some DC crisis, so it fizzled out.

I have now emerged from the teen years drama, finally able to focus on other things, but DH is now disconnected and says he can't just turn on the switch to reconnect again. If I could do it over again, I would have let the DC sort themselves out.

I think we are both at fault, but mostly me. He doesn't want to go to counselling. He just wants space, which means sitting in his room all day working and speaking very little.

Never regret putting your children first. Husband's are replaceable. Children aren't.

I also think you didn't pick a good example there @Isitautumnyet23.

You are right in the couple you observed didn't make a good decision.

But the best decision would have been either putting child to bed with a babysitter and the two of you then going out: or selecting a hotel appartmrnt with eg a balcony so you can join our child to bed and then have a glass of wine. Everybody is happy.

Going back to a hotel room to put a child to bed at say 7pm and then lying in the dark in silence in the same room (not that you said you did that, but people do) is also not a good idea and is what sone people are alluding to on this thread. Too much putting kids first, is damaging.

Agree - although I dont think many people would do 7pm on a hot holiday (especially in 35 degrees heat). Perhaps the example was more parents just being selfish but it stuck out to me on holiday how some parents will put their own needs before their child’s needs, no matter what.

The point is that a parent should never feel they have done wrong putting their childs needs first. The OP’s children needed her at a crucial time and she shouldn’t feel she’s done anything wrong putting them before anything else. If the Husband felt he’d not had enough attention, perhaps he should look if he’d truly been working as a team with the OP. If you are working as a team together, he would understand why the children had to be put first through that period of time.

This 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 I was trying to make this point. A strong married couple understand there are periods of time when work/kids/other issues (perhaps caring for relatives etc) take over everything, sometimes for years. A good sense of humour and working as a team is the key.

@Isitautumnyet23

not a good example as others have said

its perfectly ok to focus on yourself and your marriage as well as the kids

This will sound like a cliche but I think you need to find yourself first. You don’t need to jump straight back into filling someone else’s emotional bucket, focus on yourself first, what are your hopes/dreams and harness your own energy first. So many mothers and wives lose themselves and don’t give themselves enough attention. Self discovery and self improvement is really important and maybe reconnecting with old friends/new hobby etc/new lease of life. He will then wake up too. Don’t jump straight from your high needs DC into high needs DH without filling your own bucket first. Once you get your spark back it is easier to reconnect.

Well done for getting your son to uni, looking after him, advocating for him and getting through the pandemic. caring is undervalued but priceless and the time you spent loving and sorting out your DS will reap benifits when hes a happy and stable adult. If you had prioritised your bloke and left him to flounder you could have well ended up with DS stuck at home not being able to get on with his adult life which would have impacted the relationship anyway. I think your DH is being a dick.

But in the OP’s case, she has made it clear the children needed her and she focused on them first (which is always the parents main job). When she was so busy dealing with the kids and whatever issues were going on, should she have forced herself to find time for her DH? Surely in those busy/stressful parenting times you grab abit of time whenever you can with your DH (even if its just having a quick conversation over dinner or a glass of wine watching the tv) and both parents understand why the kids have to come first.

Our parents have very long marriages (50 years) and I know mine never had a single weekend away and always put us first. In a strong marriage, he would be understanding why she (or both of them) had to focus on the kids first.

I mean, maybe you did not give him the affection he wanted, but that didn't mean you weren't already given everything you could. We can't really know, but in general, average experience-most women can't give their spouses the attention said spouses want because those same spouses do very little in the home or with the kids. And then blame their jobs. You had a part time paid job and a full time unpaid job, yet feel guilty for not giving him more when he was obviously giving you and the family less. Men often want to be tucked into bed and get angry that you tuck the children in instead. sometimes it is just not possible to put your spouse first, especially when they are already putting themselves first.

I really don't think it's that straightforward when there are children involved.

I think it is. Especially when children are involved.

I think it depends on the nature of the difficulties of the child. It's ok if it's a slightly difficult toddler and you just need to go out as a couple onto a balcony after they fall asleep. If it's a teenager with profound mental health problems, self-harm, suicide attempts, ongoing hospital issues, school refusal, anything like that then those problems can become all-encompassing and emotionally draining, dragging the parent down too. I don't know the nature of the problems, but often mums with teens who are physically disabled, have health problems or mental health-issues are left to deal with a lot by themselves, it's incredibly draining. Just go look at the eating disorders thread if you want to see a lot of mums making themselves ill trying to fix their teens and a lot of distanced/dads struggling, these type of problems do not enhance marriage.

It's pretty simple. Did you both feel like a team? A team naturally has each others back. A team looks out for the other and when one side is flagging the other comes in and helps out.
If you both were a team you would still feel connected now and you'd both be enjoying the new found freedoms and energy since your oldest.was in college.
If you weren't a team then yes you would have been depleted and sucked dry.
I think Pointing out your friends is nit relevant. Marriage is hard when your not a team. I guess you need to decide whether you want him as a team mate or not.

He doesn't sound very nice. Blaming you when you have a difficult situation to navigate and when you have more time to give him, turns round and says he doesn't want that now because it's too late.
Twat.
Just blaming you at every stage for everything. Invest your time in people who appreciate you.
His behaviour irritates me and I'm just a casual observer. Hopefully he has redeeming qualities?

Your spouse should always be your priority. The children will only benefit from having two parents in a healthy and happy relationship.

Children will grow up and have their own life. But if you've alienated your spouse, you've messed up your own life.

(note the non-gendered 'spouse', as this is true for both partners.)

And so are wives.

He also seems to have done his bit, working to fund the care and support the kids needed. Like others have said kids come first but you do need to also work on your own relationship. If after years of not bothering too much you suddenly decide nows the time to get re attached you can't be surprised if he says not that bothered, we've not done much for years why the rush now. He may not even want to reset your relationship.

When the kids were little we both focused on them and work and simple comment made me realise we hadn't been a couple for ages, it had probably been nearly 3 years since we were 'intimate', we were too busy being mum and dad. Fortunately we made the extra effort and 30 years on are still strong in our reltionship.

But alternatively...you might get another, much nicer, spouse, and your children might be relieved and happy you left the old one and come visiting more in your old age! :)

I understand what you're saying. If it was a woman talking about her husband putting all his energy into work and the kids and neglecting her, and how he expects her to just turn on now that he's ready to tune back in - I imagine the feedback would be different. That said, he's disconnected, feeling hurt and withdrawn - I get that. Maybe start slow. Have a cup of tea and some cookies in the evening when the kids have gone to bed. Ask him about his day. You need to "meet" him all over again.

I feel like the question would still be "why wasn't she helping with the kids and home as well?" In fact, since she would be a woman, I feel that she would be even more maligned for not doing her purpose as a mother.

Your spouse cannot put you first if you are already putting yourself first. If only one spouse is dealing with all the kids stuff and all the house stuff, the other spouse has no right to complain about not getting the attention they want when they pay no attention to their entire family.

Analogies are great for this. during holiday meals, like Christmas, it is not unusual for the women to be cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids and just in general being busy. Now imagine that one of the men who were just sitting around went in and complained about how his spouse was not paying attention to him and that he was hungry. That is exactly what is happening in so many homes, but every single day. men who spend maybe 10-12 hours per day working/commuting total complaining about a spouse who is working 24/7 (and yes, it is 24/7) when he contributes nothing except money to the household.
And the idea is that without his money, she would be lost. Except billions of women have proven that is not so, even before they had any rights.
the next time he complains about how you didn't pay attention to him, you should list all the times you were dealing with kid stuff and home stuff alone that he should have been involved in. And you know that is a lot of things.

Yes!!! I adore my children and do spend a huge amount of time forfiling their needs, but I also adore my husband. As much as they all annoy me!! Completely love them all to death. We make time for each other and I'd go crazy if we didn't. My kids are getting bigger and want to go out and not really interested in us so much. And although it's hard to know that, it gives us more time together now, which somehow we end up gardening but at any rate, there's enough love in me to go around.

However a lot of men just can’t cope with not always been the main focus.

this

Oh OP. I recognise a lot in your post. I think counselling for yourself is a great idea and remember you can't pour from an empty cup. Start focusing on getting yourself happy, and slowly and gently encourage your Dh to come along for the ride.

What the actual fuck. 18 and 14 is still really young and they still need a lot of support. He's a grown adult. Urgh. What a turn off. Id be using any extra time and energy you have now on yourself OP, not on some needy emotional vampire. I'm very pleased im single when I read shite like this!