Wish I had spent less time focusing on my DC and more on my DH

[Vispania]

I have fucked up. One of my DC is and was very hard work- numerous health issues, got worse in the pandemic. I have spent way too much time focusing on my DC and not enough on DH, or so he says. I made sporadic attempts to reconnect with DH over the years, but there was always some DC crisis, so it fizzled out.

I have now emerged from the teen years drama, finally able to focus on other things, but DH is now disconnected and says he can't just turn on the switch to reconnect again. If I could do it over again, I would have let the DC sort themselves out.

I think we are both at fault, but mostly me. He doesn't want to go to counselling. He just wants space, which means sitting in his room all day working and speaking very little.

Can you honestly saying, looking back, you wish you'd focused more on your H and less on your DC?

I doubt it. He should have been right by your side all the way.

Did he pay attention to you and invest in the marriage?

If not and he retreated into work then I don't see why only you're to blame?

The absolute joy of a long marriage (DH and I have been together for 27 years and we have a DS18 with SEN) is that it ebbs and flows. Roles change, different things become important then recede. When you're in the trenches with a baby, battling school for support, dealing with death and illness of parents - sometimes the other person fades into the background a little bit, but you always have each other's back.

What you don't get to do is check out then blame the other person for not prioritising you... I think counselling is a great idea for you OP, maybe couples counselling too but get your own head straight first and decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life.

By the way, My SIL who is my role model when it comes to relationships says the secret of her 40+ year marriage is that both of them have never wanted to get divorced on the same day! It's not some big romcom, you know?

I think we would have to know the ins and outs to really be able to say either way. The black and white your dh needs to grow up posts really don't help I think. Relationships do need work, they do need to be nurtured and you don't have to neglect your children to do so, it isn't an either or situation like lots are making out. You can't expect to put a person down for x number of years and then just pick them back up again where you left off. Some people do this, whether it is children that they focus their whole selves on or getting to a certain career position or even a hobby like cycling, they get tunnel vision and everything else just kind of ceases to be important.

May I venture to suggest that if you hadn’t been (necessarily) consumed with your children, it wouldn’t have taken you so long to start to see that he’s an arsehole?

What is it that you want to change in your relationship? Is DH just happy with the status quo or have you been arguing a lot?

Maybe DH feels that with DC1 off to Uni, you are now looking to make him your next project.

I think counselling will help you see what you want from your marriage and what you need from your own self-development. In the meantime, rather than announcing to DH that from now on you want a close relationship, try slowly reconnecting. Sit and read the newspapers together, watch some TV that you both enjoy. Don’t try to dive into romantic breaks when you aren’t both ready.

Does he want to split up? Or is he just expecting to stay together but may no effort and Liv’s separate lives? What’s the point of that.

Wow, he's done a number on you op.

Not only did he leave all the massively hard graft of parenting including a disabled child to you (which everyone who's done it for 18 years knows is far harder than any job) - but he's managed to make you think him checking out is your fault.

I think - go to the counselling yourself, go on numerous solo/with friends holidays by yourself, get yourself a hobby now that you've got time - and what you will find in a very short space of time is that your life will be happier without him.

It sounds to me like you've spend a lot of time thinking about the needs of others in your family, specifically the DC.

Your DC are needing you less now and you're thinking about DH and his needs.

Instead I would think about yourself. Do the counselling, but do it for you. Take time for yourself. Think about the hobbies and interests, or the self care and socialising that you've shelved for your(s and his) DC and get back into it. Give yourself the time to feel like you again. As a separate individual, not as a wife.

Reconnecting in a marriage has to be a joint endeavour. He's opting out just now. For now, I would just let him know that you aren't going to pursue him on this issue but you are ready to talk about it (how to reconnect) when he is. Then focus on you and you'll find that your wants, wishes, needs etc become clearer to you.

Its not a matter of that he cant. He clearly doesnt want to.

Seriously?

Your partner sounds pathetic and he has somehow managed to make you doubt yourself.

You are perfectly right to prioritise your kids, especially if you have a child with health issues.

I would seriously consider getting rid of a man who behaves in this way.

When you have children, they become your absolute priority.
Both of you need to give them all the attention you can.
He is a parent, not another child, competing with them to be looked after. Tell him to grow up.

This!
You say he feels he didn't get enough affection.

Doesn't sound like he was dishing out affection either.

I don't understand why the vibe here is that you are to blame... or that you don't know how to "apportion" blame.

Why is it blame? You both did what you had to do.

He's the one who is whining about how unfair and his reaction, instead of meeting you halfway and thinking of nice things to do together is to retreat into his important office and stop speaking.

You realise that this cold shouldering one of the main ways of punishing and manipulating people?. He's got you running about wondering how to solve this situation, how to fix it, how to make him feel appreciated and blaming yourself.
How much discussion or effort does he put in? What is it that he actually hopes, in an ideal world, to achieve? Has he ever put into words how he would like your relationship to be... or is he just too busy nurturing his resentment?

He worked long hours - you did too, looking after children with health conditions is hard work. Don't regret the love and attention you gave them.

I think you need some RL help to find a way forward here and to see if he is willing or able to break out of his resentment igloo and meet you half way or not. Stop blaming yourself.

God I hate men that for some reason need "attention" at the expense of the children. Been there, bought the t-shirt (although as a child, rather than a wife). He's a grown man FFS, he's the one who can sort himself out, not the children! It's not your job to look after him, you haven't done anything wrong prioritising your children. Just divorce him, you'll be happier.

Did the OP saw he wanted to be looked after? I don't agree either that you have to give your children 'all the attention you can', not when it is to the detriment of your marriage, both of you have to prioritise each other sometimes too, just because you are adults it doesn't mean that you don't matter.

Without knowing exactly how the OPs relationship has played out over the last 18 years we can't really say if he needs to grow up. Once the kids have gone to bed have they spent time together? Have they done dates, even if it is just at home? Have they laughed together? Solved family problems together? Have they maintained a physical connection? We actually have no idea what has gone on at all. For all we know they are both coming in from work/separate thing and doing separate things at home, only exchanging pleasantries, never having any physical or emotional connection. These things are essential in a relationship, even when you have children. Of course, if these things are absent for years feelings will change. People can live together and be practical strangers, we just don't know enough of what has gone down to be able to write off her dhs feelings as those of a spoilt child.

I agree that it takes two to tango but also one person can't make a relationship work alone, did the OPs husband used to try to keep up a connection but received nothing back so stopped? Or did neither of them any ever make any effort?

My ex husband destroyed our marriage by spending every second of his spare time on his hobbies leaving me to be the main wage earner and do absolutely everything else. We broke up when I made it quite clear I'd had enough.
But these are his children!!! Children are a different matter entirely. Are you supposed to just let them rot.
He needs to grow the fuck up. I can't imagine it was the life you wanted either.

I find Mumsnet obsessively weird about how children should be 100% priority and spouse should expect to take a back seat. Frequent threads about saving children from a fire over spouse and pushing spouse into a burning fire to save children. I adore my children and took 6 years as a SHMP but DH is the love of my life and I've not been afraid to protect that. Bedtimes so we had alone time, lock on bedroom door when appropriate, although our bed always filled up from 5 am when they were young. Telling them I loved them, but they also heard us speaking lovingly to each other, " cup of tea honey?" They are now early twenties, they grow up and leave, me and DH go out for dinner when alone now and love a day out together, it's really important to prioritise your partner as well as meeting your children's needs PP who say he's selfish or childish and you should always sacrifice a romantic partnership to raise your children have a very different outlook in life to me and I'm sure my children feel loved and valued but they are loving and valuing their romantic partners now and I'm glad I'm not alone.

No one should come before your children, you were right to prioritise them.

You acknowledge that there will be struggles and you work as a team. You balance things, knowing that sometimes the impact of a 'life struggle' will fall more on one of you and sometimes fall more on the other of you. But you know that it will balance out in the end. And if one of you has to turn your focus away from the other to handle that struggle you don't take it 'personally' because you know that your time will come again. And you acknowledge each other's hard work during those struggles.

And no, you can't keep everyone happy and there are times that no one is on an even keel. But you hang in there despite that and trust that you're doing the right thing. And if you aren't, you know that the other person will forgive you.

And you hang in there together, even though sometimes it's hard. But you also give each other room to breathe and do their own thing. You don't have to live in each other's pockets because there is no need to 'prove how close you are'.

You remember that it was you + them in the beginning and it will be you + them in the end.

DH and I have been married over 35 years. We've raised our family, we've had our share of good and bad, we hung in there, and now it's 'just us' again. Life is good.

I agree with every word of this. I’ve never understood the MN obsession that children should be put first at all times. I’ve always known that eventually they would leave home and I would still be married for an awful long time afterwards. If you neglect your relationship with your spouse, what’s left when the kids are grown up?

LifeIsAlwaysHard my 3 children know I have their back 100% and phone me multiple times a week while living independently but I completely disagree. In they're 20's they love their partners with all their heart and so do I love their Dad,
Love for a child is all consuming and a completely different kind of love to a romantic partner and the two should not be compared or in competition in any relationship, particularly if you are both parents of the child. Two types of love that can't be compared .

I don't think he sounds selfish or childish. Theres barely any information to go off to decide either way.
I have 2 very young children, one severely disabled and we have no family support. My partner and I absolutely prioritise trying to find time together. We put on music when kids are finally in bed and have a dance indoors. We have a special indoor meal. Occasionally hire a film as we can't go to the cinema. Little love notes. Letting the other have a lay in etc. Try be intimate. We do what we can to make the other feel valued.
You can put your children first whilst showing love to your husband. It does children no favours to constantly be prioritised at the expense of all else and have their family fall apart. Those kids were made (hopefully) through the love you both shared and should have value to. Not saying you're wrong op as definitely not enough information. You sound like a wonderful mum.

I think that's a very good idea. You seem to be a very bottled up person, stiff upper lip, trudging through life. The loss of your father for instance. You said you could be controlling but does that extends to yourself?

Perhaps just some little tokens to make him feel loved would help him reconnect and then he could show you the same affection.

The toxic dynamic is that you OP are to blame and he is the innocent bystander!

Kids with health problems are all encompassing and instead of you and your DH giving yourself a massive pat on the back for getting through it, he's just sulking that he didn't get enough attention. He sounds like an ungrateful arsehole.