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Original poster

Wish I had spent less time focusing on my DC and more on my DH

155 replies

Vispania · 20/08/2023 19:35

I have fucked up. One of my DC is and was very hard work- numerous health issues, got worse in the pandemic. I have spent way too much time focusing on my DC and not enough on DH, or so he says. I made sporadic attempts to reconnect with DH over the years, but there was always some DC crisis, so it fizzled out.

I have now emerged from the teen years drama, finally able to focus on other things, but DH is now disconnected and says he can't just turn on the switch to reconnect again. If I could do it over again, I would have let the DC sort themselves out.

I think we are both at fault, but mostly me. He doesn't want to go to counselling. He just wants space, which means sitting in his room all day working and speaking very little.

OP posts:
Fizzadora · 20/08/2023 20:09

Give yourselves time OP, both of you. Things have changed now that DS has gone to Uni and you may find that the tension eases over the next few months but don't expect it to get 'back to normal' straight away.
Stop blaming yourself, it's no one's 'fault' it's just life and sometimes it can be a bit shit.

Original poster
Vispania · 20/08/2023 20:11

To be perfectly honest, I don't know how anyone manages in long marriages. All my friends are struggling. If it's not sex, it's money. If it's not money, it's DC. If it's not DC, it's elderly parents. I just find it all boggling how anyone manages to keep everyone happy and on an even keel.

I sometimes feel baffled by how time has gone so quickly while we were both working hard and raising DC and I don't know what....

OP posts:
Goldbar · 20/08/2023 20:14

If he'd focused on them more, you might have been able to focus on them less.

Clymene · 20/08/2023 20:15

So you we're focussed on supporting your health challenged child during an enormously difficult time and you've done it so well that they are now able to fly the nest and go to university? And instead of your husband celebrating the bloody amazing job you've done providing that support and enabling them to have confidence to grow up, he's having a massive fucking sulk?

How incredibly unattractive

CrapBucket · 20/08/2023 20:17

My gut reaction is fucking diddums to him. What a selfish man he sounds.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 20/08/2023 20:21

Omg he sounds like a twat. Of course you should put your children with health needs first. Giant sulking man baby, who wants to go into retirement with that. Tell him to get ta fuck.

Shoulddomore · 20/08/2023 20:21

I agree with PPs, he has let you and your DC down. If he provided more support, you would have more time. I have a very high needs SEN DC and a disabled pre schooler and a wonderful marriage, because we both share the load.

EezyOozy · 20/08/2023 20:22

Man baby.

Hideous.

You have only done what any decent parent would. Please don’t regret looking after your children. They should be prioritised.

any chance he’s met someone else and is setting up the narrative that it’s your fault / easing into the “script”?

Gnomegnomegnome · 20/08/2023 20:26

What did he do to maintain the closeness between you?
How did he prioritise your marriage?

Lonicerax · 20/08/2023 20:27

If you’ve been together 20 years you could have 40 years still to go.
can you be less negative about things. DCs offski in the next few years.
make some plans.

Lindy2 · 20/08/2023 20:28

Goldbar · 20/08/2023 20:14

If he'd focused on them more, you might have been able to focus on them less.

Exactly this.

You can only stretch yourself so far. Working away in his room wasn't providing you or your DC with the help you needed when you needed it.

Don't blame yourself OP. It sounds like you have had a lot to deal with and you did the best you could.

Original poster
Vispania · 20/08/2023 20:30

TBH, I think he just retreated into work and I retreated into looking after DC. Neither of us made an effort. These are not good roles to get stuck into. I can see that now.

I don't think he's met anyone else- he works very long hours, mostly from home. and his phone is always lying around ( I know the password).

OP posts:
fireflyloo · 20/08/2023 20:33

If he carried more of the mental and practical load of parenting then perhaps you would have had more time to devote to your marriage.

Either way, it sounds like you've had a tough few years with your dc. The fact that there's light at the end is a reflection of your good parenting. It doesn't sound like your marriage has run it's course, there needs to be acceptance that you did the best you could at the time and try and move on. If he doesn't want to engage and repair then it sounds like he's completely opted out.

cheezncrackers · 20/08/2023 20:33

Does he want to work on things with you OP? Would a weekend away together just focusing on your relationship, talking, sharing meals, etc maybe help to get you back communicating? As you say, it's really easy in a long marriage to get side-tracked on not put each other/the relationship first. You're definitely not the first or only couple having this issue!

Runnerinthenight · 20/08/2023 20:33

And what effort exactly did he put into the relationship?!!

Original poster
Vispania · 20/08/2023 20:36

I think I will give him some space for a bit and just go to counselling on my own. And just go out with my friends. And take it from there.

OP posts:
patterpittercake · 20/08/2023 20:36

Ugh. Is there anything more unattractive than a sulking man child.

WhisperingHi · 20/08/2023 20:38

It sounds like your husband finds it easier to apportion blame to you, than to accept equal responsibility.

Has he raised this before?

I think his expectiations of a marriage with children with needs was unrealistic. It's NORMAL for relationships to struggle with young children or children with needs. Because you can give everything to everyone and you needed to prioritise your children.

Please don't resent or regret the time you spent on your children. They needed you.

If I was you, I'd be asking your husband to either attend counselling to get back on track or work together to get a plan on where you go from here. He's punishing you which is very immature of him.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/08/2023 20:38

MandUs · 20/08/2023 19:53

I think there needs to be a balance. Of course DC should be the priority, after all they depend on us. But I also think it's too easy to let the romantic relationship part of being parents slide and then when the DC need less attention there is nothing left to save. Making time to just be a couple is important too.

A voice of reason!!

Don’t see how anyone could argue with this

C8H10N4O2 · 20/08/2023 20:42

Vispania · 20/08/2023 20:30

TBH, I think he just retreated into work and I retreated into looking after DC. Neither of us made an effort. These are not good roles to get stuck into. I can see that now.

I don't think he's met anyone else- he works very long hours, mostly from home. and his phone is always lying around ( I know the password).

Even if you were both sharing an equal if different load, only one of you is sulking and whining that the other didn't put them ahead of needful DC and family whilst refusing to share any load in improving things.

Therapy may help you but one areas you should explore with a therapist is where you want to spend the rest of your life. If DH doesn't get over himself and work with you on growing a relationship then you have the stark choice of the next thirty years with a sulking whinger or forging a new life without him.

Gnomegnomegnome · 20/08/2023 20:44

Vispania · 20/08/2023 20:30

TBH, I think he just retreated into work and I retreated into looking after DC. Neither of us made an effort. These are not good roles to get stuck into. I can see that now.

I don't think he's met anyone else- he works very long hours, mostly from home. and his phone is always lying around ( I know the password).

You both focused on other things so why is it your fault?

LifeExperience · 20/08/2023 20:47

You had a child with health issues. That had to take priority. Over everything. And if your husband wasn't mature enough to see that, the fault is his, not yours. I also would suggest counseling, because you're being gaslighted, big time, but you're not in a place where you can see it yet.

Rosscameasdoody · 20/08/2023 20:47

So man baby is jealous of the attention his child needed from you, his mum because of health issues. You’ve worked your socks off and now he’s giving you ‘I need space’ and sulking in his room to make you feel guilty. Tell him to grow up or leave. As another poster has already pointed out, he’s paving the way to make excessive demands as atonement for your ‘neglect’.

Seagullchippy · 20/08/2023 20:47

Clymene · 20/08/2023 20:15

So you we're focussed on supporting your health challenged child during an enormously difficult time and you've done it so well that they are now able to fly the nest and go to university? And instead of your husband celebrating the bloody amazing job you've done providing that support and enabling them to have confidence to grow up, he's having a massive fucking sulk?

How incredibly unattractive

Yes. And his behaviour atm as OP describes it suggests he's not great at connection.

Jackydaytona · 20/08/2023 20:59

Perhaps you should focus on yourself op?