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Original poster

Wish I had spent less time focusing on my DC and more on my DH

155 replies

Vispania · 20/08/2023 19:35

I have fucked up. One of my DC is and was very hard work- numerous health issues, got worse in the pandemic. I have spent way too much time focusing on my DC and not enough on DH, or so he says. I made sporadic attempts to reconnect with DH over the years, but there was always some DC crisis, so it fizzled out.

I have now emerged from the teen years drama, finally able to focus on other things, but DH is now disconnected and says he can't just turn on the switch to reconnect again. If I could do it over again, I would have let the DC sort themselves out.

I think we are both at fault, but mostly me. He doesn't want to go to counselling. He just wants space, which means sitting in his room all day working and speaking very little.

OP posts:
MeinKraft · 20/08/2023 22:19

He should be worshiping the ground you walk on for taking such good care of his kids while he didn't bother.

BellsyB · 20/08/2023 22:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

CoachBeardsJane · 20/08/2023 22:19

wakeuptooearly · 20/08/2023 22:00

I find Mumsnet obsessively weird about how children should be 100% priority and spouse should expect to take a back seat. Frequent threads about saving children from a fire over spouse and pushing spouse into a burning fire to save children. I adore my children and took 6 years as a SHMP but DH is the love of my life and I've not been afraid to protect that. Bedtimes so we had alone time, lock on bedroom door when appropriate, although our bed always filled up from 5 am when they were young. Telling them I loved them, but they also heard us speaking lovingly to each other, " cup of tea honey?" They are now early twenties, they grow up and leave, me and DH go out for dinner when alone now and love a day out together, it's really important to prioritise your partner as well as meeting your children's needs PP who say he's selfish or childish and you should always sacrifice a romantic partnership to raise your children have a very different outlook in life to me and I'm sure my children feel loved and valued but they are loving and valuing their romantic partners now and I'm glad I'm not alone.

Completely agree

SlippySarah · 20/08/2023 22:44

I actually can't stand people that think their marriage needs more attention than their children. You choose to create life and bring human beings into the world - they should be your priority. Marriage is a false construct designed by men to benefit men by keeping women restrained and subservient.

TallerThanAverage · 20/08/2023 22:59

Vispania · 20/08/2023 19:59

18 and 14. The older one had a host of issues. Now in uni and I finally feel like I have time to breathe.

In 14 years the two of you haven’t been able to make any time for each other? Sounds horrible for both of you.

Shakespeareandi · 20/08/2023 23:00

WTF. Your children needed you. Both of you. How sad and selfish he doesn't see it that way. Hope he comes to his senses and recognises all the hard work you did through love for your child.

Qbishy · 20/08/2023 23:06

How much time did your DH spend focusing on you?

Or does it only work one way?

bakingbaker · 20/08/2023 23:10

Dimissing a husband's wants and needs is not healthy for the family dynamic in its whole.

If the situation was reserved, you guys wouldn't like that.

Isitautumnyet23 · 20/08/2023 23:11

Sorry but children are always the priority. Im not saying ignore your partner and visa versa, but if you had certain issues to deal with, it is absolutely right you focused entirely on your children. Surely your partner would agree that was the right thing to do in that period of time? If things are easier now, you can start to get back to abit more time for you and your DH. If you work together as a team to parent, he would understand that.

MrsJBaptiste · 20/08/2023 23:12

MeinKraft · 20/08/2023 22:19

He should be worshiping the ground you walk on for taking such good care of his kids while he didn't bother.

What??? 😯 😯 😯 How do you know he hasn't bothered?

Isitautumnyet23 · 20/08/2023 23:14

LaviniasBigBloomers · 20/08/2023 21:08

The absolute joy of a long marriage (DH and I have been together for 27 years and we have a DS18 with SEN) is that it ebbs and flows. Roles change, different things become important then recede. When you're in the trenches with a baby, battling school for support, dealing with death and illness of parents - sometimes the other person fades into the background a little bit, but you always have each other's back.

What you don't get to do is check out then blame the other person for not prioritising you... I think counselling is a great idea for you OP, maybe couples counselling too but get your own head straight first and decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life.

By the way, My SIL who is my role model when it comes to relationships says the secret of her 40+ year marriage is that both of them have never wanted to get divorced on the same day! It's not some big romcom, you know?

Agree completely

MzHz · 20/08/2023 23:17

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, kids are the focus of attention SOMETIMES. And sometimes we have to prioritise OURSELVES or our partners

we’re doing this generation a huge disservice in teaching them that they come first always. We all know life is not like that

if you don’t show them that there’s a list of priorities and sometimes we have to put ourselves first, how will they learn to sometimes put us first, or their partners etc.

@Vispania dont give up, any chance you could get away for a few days?

CatsSnore · 20/08/2023 23:17

wakeuptooearly · 20/08/2023 22:00

I find Mumsnet obsessively weird about how children should be 100% priority and spouse should expect to take a back seat. Frequent threads about saving children from a fire over spouse and pushing spouse into a burning fire to save children. I adore my children and took 6 years as a SHMP but DH is the love of my life and I've not been afraid to protect that. Bedtimes so we had alone time, lock on bedroom door when appropriate, although our bed always filled up from 5 am when they were young. Telling them I loved them, but they also heard us speaking lovingly to each other, " cup of tea honey?" They are now early twenties, they grow up and leave, me and DH go out for dinner when alone now and love a day out together, it's really important to prioritise your partner as well as meeting your children's needs PP who say he's selfish or childish and you should always sacrifice a romantic partnership to raise your children have a very different outlook in life to me and I'm sure my children feel loved and valued but they are loving and valuing their romantic partners now and I'm glad I'm not alone.

I agree completely with this. Enmeshed behaviour isn't putting dc first either. Divorce is an adverse childhood experience. It's a trauma. Keeping your marriage together (obviously not if there's abuse or deep unhappiness) is looking after your dc.

OP I hope you sort it out. I think it's great you've reflected and you're owning your part in it. I'm normally of the ltb camp but I think this just sounds like a sad situation but one that can hopefully be worked on.

Isitautumnyet23 · 20/08/2023 23:19

bakingbaker · 20/08/2023 23:10

Dimissing a husband's wants and needs is not healthy for the family dynamic in its whole.

If the situation was reserved, you guys wouldn't like that.

We will always put our kids needs first to the day they dont really need us anymore. My needs and my husbands needs will always come second to them. We had time before kids to be selfish and put ourselves first, and we’ll have plenty of time when they’ve gone on their own way with their own family/career. Until that day, we’ll sacrifice anything for them.

Notamum12345577 · 20/08/2023 23:25

Vispania · 20/08/2023 19:35

I have fucked up. One of my DC is and was very hard work- numerous health issues, got worse in the pandemic. I have spent way too much time focusing on my DC and not enough on DH, or so he says. I made sporadic attempts to reconnect with DH over the years, but there was always some DC crisis, so it fizzled out.

I have now emerged from the teen years drama, finally able to focus on other things, but DH is now disconnected and says he can't just turn on the switch to reconnect again. If I could do it over again, I would have let the DC sort themselves out.

I think we are both at fault, but mostly me. He doesn't want to go to counselling. He just wants space, which means sitting in his room all day working and speaking very little.

Sounds like he is sulking, rather than trying to work things out, like you do. Hopefully you will be able to sort it.
Hindsight is a great thing I know, but I was always told ‘make your spouse your priority’. This doesn’t mean don’t make your kids a priority when they need it, but in general.

TheThinkingGoblin · 20/08/2023 23:35

CatsSnore · 20/08/2023 23:17

I agree completely with this. Enmeshed behaviour isn't putting dc first either. Divorce is an adverse childhood experience. It's a trauma. Keeping your marriage together (obviously not if there's abuse or deep unhappiness) is looking after your dc.

OP I hope you sort it out. I think it's great you've reflected and you're owning your part in it. I'm normally of the ltb camp but I think this just sounds like a sad situation but one that can hopefully be worked on.

Show quote history

This with bells on.

MN needs a serious reality check about healthy marriages.

OP, good luck.

MsRosley · 20/08/2023 23:35

Another vote for sulking, unattractive man baby. Good luck, OP.

MsRosley · 20/08/2023 23:38

LaviniasBigBloomers · 20/08/2023 21:08

The absolute joy of a long marriage (DH and I have been together for 27 years and we have a DS18 with SEN) is that it ebbs and flows. Roles change, different things become important then recede. When you're in the trenches with a baby, battling school for support, dealing with death and illness of parents - sometimes the other person fades into the background a little bit, but you always have each other's back.

What you don't get to do is check out then blame the other person for not prioritising you... I think counselling is a great idea for you OP, maybe couples counselling too but get your own head straight first and decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life.

By the way, My SIL who is my role model when it comes to relationships says the secret of her 40+ year marriage is that both of them have never wanted to get divorced on the same day! It's not some big romcom, you know?

I love this.

Wishitsnows · 20/08/2023 23:39

He sounds fucking useless. If I were you I’d struggle to be attracted to that and expect him to be seriously stepping up to win you over

ParisDispatches · 20/08/2023 23:40

OP I agree with the posters saying that trying to find a balance between your relationship with your spouse & your children is important. And it's hard to do at certain phases in life.

If you honestly feel you both contributed to the situation and it isn't a case of him simply checking out then it's def worth fighting for.

My suggestion is go to therapy for yourself as you've already planned. Make plans with friends go places. Do things. Live life as its v short.

Arrange somethings with your dh - whatever you both (used to ) enjoy whether it's dinner out, dancing, cinema, gig, theatre, art gallery etc and focus on having fun together without pressure to analyse it all all the time.

Finding ways to spark the feelings of why you enjoyed each others company in the first place could be the key to reconnecting & once you're both feeling closer & more secure then it's a good place to have the conversations about what you both want & need in this next phase of life with older teens / young adults

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 20/08/2023 23:41

Your child should have been and was your focus.

wheretolivehelp · 20/08/2023 23:43

Vispania · 20/08/2023 20:06

I honestly don't know how to apportion blame.
I find marriage hard
I find parenting DS hard and probably got very enmeshed and slightly controlling
I found the pandemic incredibly hard.
I often feel completely emotionally depleted. I am not a very expressive person anyway. When my beloved dad died, I didn't even cry, though I was shattered. I think DH finds that hard! He would like more affection. But I feel like the DC take or took all of it.

This week I am going to set up a counselling appointment for myself. If he doesnt want to come, he can sulk.

I also have a solo trip planned next month away with friends, the first since the pandemic.

sorry to read you're going through this. it sounds very hard. I totally hear your frustrations, loneliness? and also regrets. I like to think that the past is the past, and we can only try our best. it's not easy being a parent, partner and friend - so many roles to play and do well in a family. it sounds like you've done great tbf and what you need now is to reconnect back to your partner and perhaps to yourself too. the pandemic was hell for many of us, but we've gotten to the other side. perhaps you both will too. make all that misery during those tough years worth it :) also maybe he is feeling depleted too, but in his own way? it will take time to reconnect, and hopefully when you do, you'll have something better than you had before :) Good luck

CherryPieMadness · 20/08/2023 23:45

I don’t think anyone posting has an idea of what is going on in your marriage OP, it’s not a bad thing to focus on kids - they only have one childhood after all - but it’s unclear whether your DH was just neglecting his kids, not supporting you, not bothering - or whether he was also supporting his kids, supporting you but you also neglected entirely your relationship.

Only you know OP. Sounds like couples counseling after a period of space would be useful.

Clymene · 20/08/2023 23:46

A marriage can't be worked on if one person refuses to engage. He won't go to counselling, he won't talk, he's shut himself away.

He's punishing the OP.

Inmybirthdaysuit · 20/08/2023 23:49

Gettingbysomehow · 20/08/2023 21:58

My ex husband destroyed our marriage by spending every second of his spare time on his hobbies leaving me to be the main wage earner and do absolutely everything else. We broke up when I made it quite clear I'd had enough.
But these are his children!!! Children are a different matter entirely. Are you supposed to just let them rot.
He needs to grow the fuck up. I can't imagine it was the life you wanted either.

But absolutely no one is saying the children should be left to rot. I have a ND teen who has had his share of mental health issues as ND teens often do. I have managed to pull him out the other side so he is now thriving and also remain connected with my husband too. You can be a good parent, model good relationships and have your kids know that you've got their back. None of these are exclusive to each other.

I find it sad that so many people think that the OPs husband is childish for wanting to feel like he matters to the OP too. I thought it was a pretty universal feeling to want to feel wanted and cherished by your partner and your partner making time for you is essential in that. I wouldn't be in my marriage if it wasn't that way.

My kids are getting older now and soon it will be just me and dh and I'm so glad we have always made time for each other, always shown we that care even if it was just in little ways if that's all we had energy for. I can genuinely say 20 years in we are stronger and have more fun and connection than ever but that is only the case because we both cared enough to keep each other in mind the whole way along.