Wish I had spent less time focusing on my DC and more on my DH

[Vispania]

I have fucked up. One of my DC is and was very hard work- numerous health issues, got worse in the pandemic. I have spent way too much time focusing on my DC and not enough on DH, or so he says. I made sporadic attempts to reconnect with DH over the years, but there was always some DC crisis, so it fizzled out.

I have now emerged from the teen years drama, finally able to focus on other things, but DH is now disconnected and says he can't just turn on the switch to reconnect again. If I could do it over again, I would have let the DC sort themselves out.

I think we are both at fault, but mostly me. He doesn't want to go to counselling. He just wants space, which means sitting in his room all day working and speaking very little.

I'm not sure if you need counselling or just to start rebuilding. If you invested all your time in your DC then although he sounds petty I suspect he means that you both as a couple didn't invest enough time in each other.

My DH always seems to have time for DC or the cat but is busy for me. Of course I'm able to feed myself or go to the shop so it's only right but it feels like he only cares about them sometimes.

I think you just can't expect things to ping back overnight. You are probably both burnt out from having so much stress. If CAMHS were involved, then trust me, you are burnt out! Maybe just try and do things slowly. Go out for a drink in a cafe or pub, go and see a film, go out for lunch etc. Don't make it date night, just small chances to talk and spend time together.

I'm coming from the perspective of having 2 kids who both turned out to have Autism (& significant other issues too). My only priority was keeping them afloat (still is, I am their Carer, DWP recognised). My H took a lower priority as he was an adult like me. He also simply 'checked out' & left me to it (literally, 2 yrs ago).
So, I am biased obviously but
children always come first. they have to. they should for him too.
Now you both have a bit more breathing space.
You want to work on things. He doesnt. I'd suggest counselling for you then maybe? joint. But you can't 'fix' everything for everyone. It's not your job.

Yep. Same here. Hard , unnecessary work. Me me. Me. Very unattractive.

😁👍

Oh for goodness sake!
Let him sulk. The man child is being an idiot and that's not your problem!