Anyone else never told "the secret"?

[bollytrolly]

I've just always been a bit of a mess all my life my appearance no matter how carefully I press my clothes or do my hair or put my make up on by the time I get to where I am going I always look a mess with frizzy hair, clothes all creased and make up sliding off my face. If I have something to go to where I'll be photographed I will end up getting a black eye or a bee will still me on the face. I seem to be so hard on clothes, shoes and socks and everything seems to fall to bits in double quick time even with better brands. People always slag Boris Johnson for looking a mess but I wonder if he is just a male version of me and can't get it right even if he really tries?

I had awful acne as a teen and am still getting spots now at 44 even though I take great care with my skincare, see dermatologists. Other women seem to glide though life, cool calm and collected never a hair out of place, they never seem to sweat or go attend meetings with a large toothpaste stain on their boob that they don't notice until after.

Even with items I remember at school it was always me who got the desk someone had drawn a knob on with black marker or got the ripped books! I remember as a girl I used to think of the other girls as "top girls" you know proper girls who looked nice and did ballet and horse riding lessons and then me who had awful allergies and had snot pouring out my nose half the year!

I just wanted to be a feminine and delicate woman for once in my life but now perimenopause his upon me and all my short comings are just getting worse, chin hair anyone?

Is there some secret women learn as young girls about how to achieve this aura of polish? Is there anyone like me who still has no clue?

Can we stop perpetrating the view that a woman can’t be all those things if she is also neatly presented? 🙄

I'm not saying that . I'm just saying that how neatly presented (or otherwise) someone may be is an irrelevance to how much value they add to the world and how loved they are.

That was because they had eating disorders, and the good posture was because they'd probably fall over from the weight of their head if they even slightly leaned forward! Me and my friend at uni also used to laugh at these same girls who wore a lot of layers- it was because they were always cold from being so bloody skinny!

Laughing at people with eating disorders, @90sbab8? Cool.

This is a really interesting thread.

I think one thing that dawned on me is just how visual the world is… all those work training sessions where you’re told people form an impression of you in the first 10 seconds, and 90% of this is visual, etc.

Instagram etc had probably exacerbated this. But I realised that I too am judgy on appearances.

So it’s easy enough and I’m quite comfortable jusy jumping into some clothes, brushing either my teeth or my hair, and setting out into the day. But that’s going to affect how others see me… I guess at 48 I’m worried about a sexism / ageism double-hander!

My people!

Why do I still get spots :( the big sore ones too. Right before something important .

make up - I put a little on and by lunch time I have the shiniest forehead and nose. I’ve tried to use the powder stuff.

Growing up i was a size 8 - could eat whatever…now I’m mid 40 I can’t shift the weight at all. Diet , drink water and gym = nope my mid area is rather large compared to my arms and legs. I’m lucky I am tall but I do feel like a child stick drawing big round middle stick arms and legs.

my hair is cut and coloured regularly - I still look like Trunchball.

Im tired 95% of the time and feel pulled every which way.

This morning fun…maggots in the bin. One of the kids must have put food in the main bin - 6:30am I didn’t want to be dealing with it :(

Maggots in the bin is one of the reasons why summer is overrated.

I feel your pain @Nottodaty . My son chucked a half eaten fish supper in its box in the bin a couple of years ago. In my experience they are nearly indestructible. Horrible, horrible things and stench. Don't bag up and put the rubbish back in the bin again as it's a cert that some of the bastards will have survived whatever you did and it will be crawling again before bin day.

Op you sound dyspraxic & possible mild adhd.

I am the same lol even I am wearing a lovely outfit, hair & makeup done I still feel awkward and meh compared to other ladies. I also have very crap skin.

I was an anorexic posh girl at uni . I can't help the posh bit, I didn't choose my parents. I was anorexic after such a deeply traumatic experience that I typed it out and then deleted it because I realised I don't want to traumatise others by even recounting the basic details of it. Suffice to say a traumatic bereavement due to an awful RTA was only a small part of it

Bloody hilarious

I'm sorry you went through that and yeah I think @90sbab8 s comment was not appropriate. I have a different sort of ED but I think laughing at any type of ED is horrible.

@LovelyIssues thats a good point. I am pretty sure I am dyspraxic, among other things I also have atrocious handwriting and work out how to organise space /clutter (thankfully I pay for a housekeeper who is amazing and understanding)

Also, I was increasingly spilling food when eating etc and laughing it off as "silly me" for years, but I have been diagnosed with a rare neurological condition and now I am on meds I rarely spill.

So if you are really struggling with things it is worth considering underlying causes too.

Agreed, I hate the misrepresentation of anorexia as caused by vanity when, like most EDs, it's usually rooted in trauma of some sort.

Others may be making more effort or not, maybe they worry about other things.

Exactly. It's just as bad as the assumption that obesity is caused by greed or laziness. People don't get the whole trauma aspect of any kind of disordered eating.

Hey. Feel like I have some things in common here.
Over the years I’ve swung from teenage self consciousness to mid thirties glamour to post menopausal who gives a fuck. I enjoyed the glamour but it was hard work (reapplying nail varnish etc) and some of it I wish I hadn’t done (damaged my feet with high heels - better now). But through it all I always had a sense that I didn’t want to spend a lot of time on it. I largely regard it all as a woman-tax and I’m still sure men don’t spend half the time on this shit that we do. But, I’ve always been conflicted because I still want to look nice and yes, attractive. (Also had critical mother in the background). Here’s where I’ve settled - maybe too on the hippyish side for some but from time to time I hope I can still scrub up well!
Hair - stopped using shampoo or conditioner years ago. I have fine longish hair and all my life it’s never had enough shape or body. Eventually I stopped using anything on it and it acquired its natural volume which is better than it was before. I wash it in the shower with warm water, that’s it, so it doesn’t get stripped. Air dry it. Put it up in a kinda bun if I want it wavier. I’m now wondering if I want it a bit shorter and could do with a bouncier cut - I cut it myself so will figure that out.
Shoes - went 180 from heels to always flats, barefoot type shoes. I have to wear wide sandals or shoes that will let my toes spread. I run and I had a foot injury that made me rethink footwear. I got rid of all my heels and now everything is not only comfortable but positively freeing. In summer I am barefoot at home and in minimal shoes everywhere else. It’s very liberating, I can walk miles.
Clothes - had to rethink those too, mainly because shorter skirts I wore before don’t always go with flat shoes. Starting to wear longer skirts, wide trousers, boyfriend jeans. This means I need a smaller waist as mine’s expanded post meno - not much but enough i notice. I also stopped shaving my legs - can’t be arsed - but means I’ll wear longer stuff now (except shorts, because summer and fuck it).
Figure/ posture - have to tell myself shoulders back. I’m doing weights as well as yoga and running. I swim too. Have been very active the last decade and it’s defined my attitude to a lot of things - no nail varnish, it’ll wear off in the water; no make up, it’ll sweat off. Feeling healthy and flushed from activity is better than trying to find the right foundation or something - besides I’ve always hated make up except for lippy which is simple enough for me to do and I wear every day.
So I think I’m settling to something minimal in the extreme but I still want a good haircut, good complexion, good lipstick, and be able to put on a flattering pair of jeans and a white shirt/ nice long dress and jewellery when the occasion calls.

Still haven’t figured out the food thing though - my mother used to call the stains on my top “dinner medals” - she did it too and so does my son. Am convinced I’m also mild ADHD and that my mother always has been too.
Will be watching new thread for easy tips! And @MallardsMoorhensAndLethe , we salute you!

@MallardsMoorhensAndLethe

I absolutely agree. I always found it baffling how often I got compliments on my anorexic figure yet over eating is seen as such a moral flaw. They are different sides of the same coin to me. Both often rooted in trauma or distress of some sort

(Or in my case I am now overweight due to steroids although weight is coming off rapidly now I am tapering off them . But people don't like to stop and think about the cause)

I'm also intrigued by the cost of the secret even if in time not actual money
Eg reg haircuts and colours
I need to have my eyebrows sorted (can eke put appts by tweezing but need a professional to really shape I think)
Manicures and pedicures (even at home with basic Rimmel is time and a pain) £40 a pop min if you pay for it
Clothes (if bought cleverly on eBay takes time)!

Clothes steamer/ironing
Polishing shoes
Defluffing a good quality coat
Fml I am exhausted just typing it

I’ve always thought it was weird how eating is tied to virtue. Like how people say “oh no I won’t have a biscuit, I’m being good”. What’s morality got to do with it?

But then I think the same about exercise (“I’m being really good and going for a run”)…

Oh gosh don't get me started .... I have a rare (but pretty much invisible) neurological condition. I love exercise but if I do it when unwell I could lose my ability to swallow or even breathe. So I often have to take the lift rather than the stairs at work, but if I had £1 the number of times a colleague seeing me waiting makes a comment about how they are " being good" or " you will win the race but I get the moral points" etc () i would have been able to develop a cure for my condition!

I don’t have anything like your excuse @BlossomCloud, I am genuinely just lazy! But I still don’t think that someone is morally superior to me because they spend an hour every day running or at the gym and I spend it reading or drawing or playing with my kids or doing literally anything else. I would like to be fitter, and I don’t eat massively healthily, but I don’t equate diet and fitness with moral rectitude. I don’t drink, but I don’t think that makes me a good person - I just don’t like the taste of alcohol 😁

@ZebraDanios v good points and I agree. I think it just made the irrationality of the comments so obvious to me post diagnosis, but yes even without it, it's a bizarre way to make a value judgement about someone (or oneself).