Anyone else never told "the secret"?

[bollytrolly]

I've just always been a bit of a mess all my life my appearance no matter how carefully I press my clothes or do my hair or put my make up on by the time I get to where I am going I always look a mess with frizzy hair, clothes all creased and make up sliding off my face. If I have something to go to where I'll be photographed I will end up getting a black eye or a bee will still me on the face. I seem to be so hard on clothes, shoes and socks and everything seems to fall to bits in double quick time even with better brands. People always slag Boris Johnson for looking a mess but I wonder if he is just a male version of me and can't get it right even if he really tries?

I had awful acne as a teen and am still getting spots now at 44 even though I take great care with my skincare, see dermatologists. Other women seem to glide though life, cool calm and collected never a hair out of place, they never seem to sweat or go attend meetings with a large toothpaste stain on their boob that they don't notice until after.

Even with items I remember at school it was always me who got the desk someone had drawn a knob on with black marker or got the ripped books! I remember as a girl I used to think of the other girls as "top girls" you know proper girls who looked nice and did ballet and horse riding lessons and then me who had awful allergies and had snot pouring out my nose half the year!

I just wanted to be a feminine and delicate woman for once in my life but now perimenopause his upon me and all my short comings are just getting worse, chin hair anyone?

Is there some secret women learn as young girls about how to achieve this aura of polish? Is there anyone like me who still has no clue?

Interesting. In my mind's eye Kate's is much longer. Halfway down her back and Meghan's is shoulder length. Happy to accept my perception is wrong!

Maybe it's the shape of Kate's that makes it look longer 🤷‍♀️

Meghan’s is definitely longer than shoulder length. They’re extensions or attachments and nothing wrong with that but the length can obviously vary week to week. In that Netflix doc (which I didn’t see but have seen trailers) her hair is pretty long.

Yeah, I've just looked at some pictures and concur my memory was wrong.

Which raises the interesting question of why I think Kate's hair often looks a bit silly and Meghan's doesn't. I don't know why that is!

No one ever told me the secret either. My mother is pretty scruffy and never has her make up and nails done. I've had to teach it all to myself.

I think the key is that balance because if you go too far you can look overdone which is ageing and also makes you look try too hard. But a lot of effort is needed for the effortless look.

There's lots of threads about looking elegant but it boils down to simple clothes that fit well, well cut, maintained hair, clean and well manicured nails and minimal make up.

I find it easier the older I get as I know what doesn't work and mostly why. And not to buy random pieces of clothing just because I like them.

I’ve got all the colour wow stuff, still frizzy. I’ve got a dyson airwrap, makes no difference to my hair. Believe me I throw money and effort at the issue.

I think this is sort of like people who are naturally tidy. I always look a state and my clothes never fit right or look stylish, my hair never sits right and I still get spots in my 40s. I’m also very uncoordinated so often knocking things over or tripping over things. I am also an untidy person. My husband is the opposite - naturally tidy and well put together. I’ve watched him and he seems to just keep on top of things - he tidies as he goes, he meticulously irons things and styles his hair several times a day, etc. I think he just naturally and unconsciously stays on top of things. He walks carefully and naturally observes his surroundings while I just barrel my way around the place. I’ve always assumed that’s where I’m going wrong!

The thread isn't about looking like an actress or model though, it's about looking presentable, and how that takes a lot more effort if you have curly hair or skin prone to oilyness, etc.
I don't aspire to be model-level attractive. I would, however, prefer not to look like I have been dragged through a hedge backwards.

You don’t like Kate and prefer Meghan?

We tend to be much kinder about things like hairstyles or looks on people we like.

Or a silk sleeping cap, which has been life changing here (honestly - finally having second day curls which look decent has made such a difference).

Could have written this myself. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. Funny how there's never any interruption to working long hours or doing housework or other drudge though, eh?!

I can tend towards messy, sweaty frizzy etc, and am old enough to have worked out some short cuts:
Most make-up will run off your face if you are the hot, sweaty type, and eye make-up will end up smearing just where you don't want it. So focus on the parts that won't be affected by the heat - for me, I dye my lashes and brows, and use an eybrow pencil ( Nyx) that stays in place. I am still looking for eyeliner that doesn't budge but can't find one currently, so I don't wear it if I'm know it's going to be hot ( including on the tube). I have sunglasses , suncream, strong lipstick and a little cream blusher, and reapply during the day.
Hair-wise, I use a spray heat seal serum when I blowdry or use straighteners, and a tiny bit of serum afterwards. When I say blowdry, I mean an upside down rough dry when hair is almost dry, which takes about 3 minutes, and then follow it with a very quick run-through of straighteners, takes another 3 minutes, or I use a brush instead of straighteners if I have a bit more time. But it won't take more than 10 minutes all told, once every 5 days or so. And I get my hair cut explicitly in a style that won't look too terrible if I don't have time to dry it, that's about every 3 or 4 months. I'm grey and have just had a few extra highlights put in, but I don't think the difference was worth the time or money, I don't think I'll do it again. I do use appropriate shampoo and conditioner for my hair colour, every time I wash. Not expensive though, under a fiver each.

I clean my shoes/trainers regularly ( so they are usually pristine) , and keep manicure equipment and various creams by the TV. Sewing and repairing kits are all in the living room, as are wipes, so all that is done in front of the TV.
I am very messy, and attract dirt, so I always wear a full apron in the kitchen so I don't get splattered. I try to buy patterned tops and dresses so splodges don't show up too much, and carry wipes with me to deal with emergencies when out. I never ever wear white bottoms, and very rarely white or pale tops. If I find a dress that works for me, I will often buy it in a few different colours. I try on underwear and accessories with a dress when I first buy it, so then when I get dressed in a hurry, I know what will work with it. Dresses are easier than separates, but I know they're not for everyone.
As for jewellery, I have very little - a choice of 2 silver necklaces, a couple of rings and about 5 pairs of silver earrings. I used to buy a bigger variety but then realised I never wore it, and actually it's quicker not having to make decisions.
None of this is difficult or time consuming or expensive. It's mostly about practicality.

The frizz is a killer in terms of looking groomed.

I have stopped straightening hair and have the shoulder length wavy bob. There is always some frizz but I feel wavy hair can take it better.

I recently got some new make up and have finally got a daily look I like.

Clothes also a minimal wardrobe of a similar colour pallette.

But I used to pull off the effortless hippy surfer chick look. As I got older more effort was needed to stop me looking ike a witch.

I don’t think Meghan’s hair is messy or unpolished at all. Quite the opposite. She tries very hard with it. And it’s nice.

Difference is that, yes they both have extensions. But Kate has good hair, with added extensions. Meghan’s hair is mostly extensions. It takes a lot of work, but doesn’t look effortless. I’m just pointing out the ease that good hair lends.

In terms of looking at young, gorgeous bodies. I think you are born with it, mostly. I was people-watching in a cafe in a posh area recently. It was all lithe, blondes in Lululemon bouncing around with their tiny, fluffy dogs. I think these are the very girls that turn into those elegant, polished ladies…

@MichaelAndEagle I do think that hair which is naturally curly or wavy will always fight a straightened style, even when I've had it done at the hairdressers it still doesn't move or behave in the way natural straight hair does it wants to clump together in its natural waves and curls what my mum used to call my "rats tails".

I think it would be better to just let my hair do it's natural curly thing but even that takes a lot of work and upkeep to get right and still looks less polished than straight hair.

My mum always looked effortless. The secret is to wear clothes that fit really well, forget buying the size you think you are, always buy the one that fits perfectly. Find a good seem-stress who will alter clothes for you.
Clothes need to suit you not be fashionable. Buy good quality and don’t save them for best.
Buy fabrics that wash well, dry clean only is a pain and you end up rarely wearing it due to high maintenance.
When you shop take someone with you that will give you an honest opinion.
No one should wear leggings, unless they are to keep your knees warm between a short dress and a pair of boots.
Fine denier tights.
Clean, well maintained shoes.
Make-up is a personal thing and changes as your skin ages. I prefer well matched to skin shade so it looks as natural as possible. The heavy trowelled look is for teenagers.
If I stick to my mums rules I always get compliments, however I can be very lazy when it comes to my hair, which is naturally curly/frizzy. Although I now have it cut so I can wear it straight or curly, which is the other essential, a damn good hairdresser and colourist.
If you can afford it, with your favourite regular clothes always buy two sizes so if your weight fluctuates you always have the right size.
Finally acknowledge that your shape changes so don’t carry on wearing the same styles you wore as a teenager when you hit middle age unless you are one of those lucky people who never change.

I think everyone looks a little disheveled as they go through the day, if you look closely enough.

Some of what's been described upthread is totally avoidable though, so I'm confused about them. Bra strap showing with a certain shirt? Wear a strapless bra. Toothpaste spilled on shirt? Change your shirt. Wrinkled clothes? Iron clothes before you put them away. Makeup all over your face when you get to work? Wipe it off with some tissue, it's literally five seconds.

Oh and good underwear. I was stood behind a women in the doctors today who was wearing shorts and T-shirt . With her underwear and clothes she looked like a stack of 4 tyres from behind.
I always check the rear view before I leave the house.

Agree re. leggings. They are house clothes (so are Ugg boots). Only the Lululemon girls can get away with them!

There’s a makeup company called Prime that does eyeliner and mascara aimed at women who are of a certain age. The mascara is particularly excellent, the eyeliner is very good.

I don’t understand how clothes can be immediately wrinkled as soon as you step out of the bedroom as PPs have said - surely you just iron your clothes? To be fair I literally never iron anything, I run over bits of my clothes with my straighteners if I need to but it’s not as though you’re going to be putting on an ironed item of clothing and have it immediately wrinkle.

To be honest it sounds like a lot of you have curly hair and don’t realise it if is constantly unmanageable and frizzy. Everyone’s hair is manageable if you work out how to care for it. It’s trial and error but that’s obviously expensive which isn’t possible for everyone. I bleach my hair but haven’t done my roots in ages and am just ignoring it until I have the money to go to a hairdresser.

Also I think the issue is really overarchingly money (and time). If you’ve gone your whole life not knowing what skincare to use and so never using it or just using stuff that doesn’t work, it’s going to take time and money to work out what will work for you. Same with hair. Same with clothes. Busy parents don’t necessarily have time and money in abundance.

I just don’t think anyone is incapable of looking at least vaguely neat for most of a day unless you do a manual labour job or something. Also - shoot me, but I think appearance does matter. Absolutely fine if you really, honestly, do not give a single shit what anyone thinks of how you look and are therefore happy going around looking scruffy. But there’s no shame in caring and it doesn’t make you vain or shallow as I think some people are raised to think.

Oh I'm right there with you. Frizzy hair, a little over weight and everything anyone else is wearing looks like a tattie sack on me haha

I started to lean into it. I stopped trying to look like the ladies in magazines and decided I was more suited to hippy/festival/ quirky/ weird/ hag hahaha I had a good look at some alternative styles and saw the beauty and femininity in them. I let my hair frizz and curl and get huge. I toned down my make up. I found a comfortable style. I probably still look a state but I'm bloody rocking it! :)

I never fitted the trendy clothes or the professional full face of make up. And I had tried so hard since a teen. Creeping into midlife and I'm now loving my own style. I feel confident in my quirky outfits and I realise I was never meant to fit in... i was meant to stand out!

Have look at some different styles op. Move as slowly or as fast as you like into finding your own style. Maybe just some different shoes or a coat or a top. But honestly it'll be so freeing to be yourself.

I’ve got some easy semi make up suggestions for those who don’t want a fully done look that’s likely to slide off anyway.

Forget foundation, it’s so hard to get the right one that is the right colour, texture etc. instead go for a skin adapting cream, Eborium CC cream is popular but GOSH primer in chameleon is much less expensive and just as good. They look slightly grey straight from the tube, but when you slap it on your face, it adapts to your natural colour. It’s a ver light coverage but enough to reduce redness, fade blemishes and doesn’t sit in wrinkles like foundation. .https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B073BDWX4J?psc=1&ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_product_details

If you’re prone to shine like me a lightweight powder that also blurs your pores can be swiftly swept over the shine. I really like this Beauty Pie one which works on all skin tones and make my big open pores disappear. https://www.beautypie.com/products/one-powder-wonder-uberlucent-universal

Brows make a massive difference, I get henna brows every six weeks then I don’t have to faff with eyebrow pencil which I never could fathom. If I want to touch up my brows I use a brow mascara, again I use Beauty Pie, but there are other brands.

It takes a minute to do the cream followed by powder on shiny bits, I add a tubing mascara because it’s a miracle product that doesn’t smudge, end up on my hooded brows or half way down my face. It can only be removed by water.
Again I use Beauty Pie, but L’Oréal do one that’s good too.

Confused by lipstick or don’t want to look too ‘done’? Clinique black honey lip balm looks good on everyone and is easy to apply, Burts Bees do a rose tinted balm that isn’t quite as good but a lot less expensive.

It takes a couple of minutes and is natural looking and easy, I add a bit of bronzer or blush, but it’s not necessary

There is a Yiddish word that describes this perfectly: SCHLOCH! when I asked my grandma many years ago what this meant, she replied “Someone who still looks a schloch no matter how hard they try to look nice”. 😂Boris Johnson is a perfect example of this.

duveydayy unless you have curly/frizzy hair you have no idea how difficult it can be. There are lots of products and methods of taming curly hair but as soon as it becomes slightly humid your hair just goes feral. I am nearly 60 and have yet to find a hair product that reliably does the trick and I’ve probably sent thousands over the years.

Humidity is the worst.