Anyone else never told "the secret"?

[bollytrolly]

I've just always been a bit of a mess all my life my appearance no matter how carefully I press my clothes or do my hair or put my make up on by the time I get to where I am going I always look a mess with frizzy hair, clothes all creased and make up sliding off my face. If I have something to go to where I'll be photographed I will end up getting a black eye or a bee will still me on the face. I seem to be so hard on clothes, shoes and socks and everything seems to fall to bits in double quick time even with better brands. People always slag Boris Johnson for looking a mess but I wonder if he is just a male version of me and can't get it right even if he really tries?

I had awful acne as a teen and am still getting spots now at 44 even though I take great care with my skincare, see dermatologists. Other women seem to glide though life, cool calm and collected never a hair out of place, they never seem to sweat or go attend meetings with a large toothpaste stain on their boob that they don't notice until after.

Even with items I remember at school it was always me who got the desk someone had drawn a knob on with black marker or got the ripped books! I remember as a girl I used to think of the other girls as "top girls" you know proper girls who looked nice and did ballet and horse riding lessons and then me who had awful allergies and had snot pouring out my nose half the year!

I just wanted to be a feminine and delicate woman for once in my life but now perimenopause his upon me and all my short comings are just getting worse, chin hair anyone?

Is there some secret women learn as young girls about how to achieve this aura of polish? Is there anyone like me who still has no clue?

Same here 🙋🏻‍♀️ I come from a massive family where we're mostly all a bit too tall, a bit too bulky and a bit too loud! I feel predisposed to it. I was always the one at the school gates that looked like I'd just rolled out of bed while the rest of the mums looked like they'd spent all morning in the salon! Also, I look great in the mirror, but hideous in every photo! I live a good life, with a great family, but deffo feel certain things go other people's way rather than mine. I'm not one of those people where things just seems to fall into place and go right. How do these people make it happen?!

On a practical level do the ‘Curly girl’ method and ask at the make up counter about setting powders for greasy skin.

My sister is always well put together and when I asked her how does she do it she said ‘you just have to really care’. I realise that I don’t care enough and I’m happy about that. I bet you bring more to the table than super polished looks.

It would turn my wavy hair to pure candy floss.

Someone mentioned linen, I hate the linen that’s in all the shops. It has a rough texture snd it feels uncomfortable against my skin. It’s supposed to be cool for summer, which it is, but should i start sweating on hot humid days the prickly, rough linen sticks to me. It’s mini torture and I couldn’t wait to get home and out of the linen clothes. I have them binned up ready to take to a charity shop.. may as well wear a hessian bag for all the comfort linen provided me. Surely the original linen must have been finer or something, This mass produced stuff is awful imo

Me! I never buy nice expensive clothes because while some women can make even the cheapest tat look nice, I have the opposite affect. Whatever I wear will look like a bin bag or like I just fell in a bush. I wouldn't mind if I was tall and skinny then I feel I'd get away with the bush dragged look. I'm not, I'm short and prone to being a bit too round.

I feel like I just fall through life from one mmess to another mostly.

I try my very best each day, and really do feel just basic, honestly if I made no effort I would be horrendous, I always say to my husband “why does it take me this long and all this effort, to look so average!” 😂 in my head everyone else has it so together. So you’re definitely not alone

I relate to you. With me its facial hair and greasy hair. Crappy teeth too.

I agree. I only brush mine when it is wet, and has conditioner on it. Brushing my hair when it's dry is a recipe for looking like a poodle.

It's definitely a natural talent to spend the day looking like you have been dragged through a hedge backwards. My son and I both have it. Watch the kids coming out of school, there's always one or two who's socks are rolled down, dirty face, jumper on backwards.

Yep, I am 44 and my socks still slide down down inside my shoe, everything is the right size on the right way but down it goes, I am clearly naturally gifted!

I always end up looking like a bag woman. No matter what.

If it helps at all OP I noticed this about myself as a teenager in the early 90s and decided I couldn’t do anything about my hair, skin or clothes so I started with my posture. I stood up straight, taught myself to tuck my duck bum in (!) and tried to walk elegantly. I got fewer but better clothes as I got older which helped (but can still make a Dior dress look like a sack of potatoes!!)

Frizzy hair I deal with by getting KeraStraight treatment regularly. It doesn’t keep my hair straight but if I obey the rules wrt shampoo and conditioner it controls the frizz even in the rain 😊

My latest discovery in the last couple of years has been 47 Skin anti blemish and scar repair serum. I’ve had 6, mostly unsuccessful, pregnancies since 2017 and the hormones took my skin back to teenage years. 47 Skin has been a lifesaver.

I’m never going to be polished but I no longer feel like a complete state day to day and I can scrub up ok for special occasions 😄.

If you can’t be arsed though then don’t feel you have to for anyone else!

Yeah I always wanted to be one of those smart and tidy girls - and now women - still not and never will be me!

I spill stuff, trip over and clothes are creased in seconds, hair always a mess even when I really try. I gave up getting embarrassed, but I still look on sometimes in a bit of wistful wonder that I’d like to be effortlessly chic and smart, but I’m happy with my life so it doesn’t encapsulate me.

carry on being you!

My mother spent my childhood/teen years trying make me look more polished. She did it effortlessly Her clothes fit and stayed in place, and her hair and makeup were smooth.
I had wild curls freckles, and never fit the clothes properly. I did OK for a few years somewhere in the middle, but lived in a dry climate and it stopped me being quite so frizzy and made my skin look better. I ended up sticking to shorts or trousers and teeshirts or tank tops. Nothing else was comfy and you can't feel good or confidant if you're uncomfortable.
MIL made my wedding dress and it fit like a glove, the only dress I've ever felt comfy in. Now I'm older I concentrate on keeping my hair in good condition with no split ends to look frizzy, no make up for me, moisturise only. nice jeans, leggings, and cotton trousers that are comfy. Occasional summer dress if I have to. Shower often and deodorant so I know I don't smell.
Not much else I can do.
Chances are you look better than you think. Just be comfy.

Yes, I’m the same. Late thirties and all the women in my friend group just seem, well, like women to me and I feel like a messy child compared to them. I’m very small, look young for my age, and exactly like you it doesn’t matter what I do I always feel like I look a mess. EVERY item of clothing I own seems to have paint or caulk or silicone or a bleach stain on it somewhere. Yes I do crafts that involve paint and I do a lot of DIY but I stick to old clothes when doing these things yet mysteriously even my outdoor coats somehow end up with paint on them. I tried getting gel nails. They last me about two days before they’re chipped. Can’t seem to eat my dinner without spilling it on myself. Hair is always a mess. Really clumsy. Always tripping over and dropping things. Clothes don’t ever fit properly as I’m so short. Can’t walk in even the tiniest heal to save myself. Sweat like mad at the slightest excursion so I constantly feel revolting.

I don't know if any of the below are practical help at all.

I had (cost a fortune but worth it) lazor hair removal as I constantly had shaving rash, ingrown hairs, infections etc and even when they did feel smooth, I'm so dark and thick i had black dots all under my skin.

GP prescribed me an oral contraceptive dainette, and a daily low dose antibiotic, erythromycin, to help my acne.

I wear silk tops or other fabrics which don't need ironing and don't crease. Generally if its shiny it's good!

I have silk bedsheets and pillow covers (probably avoid red or looks like a brothel! And a cotton bottom sheet. If you have a silk bottomsheet to, your quilt just slides off in the night 😂)

And my only other suggestion, my kids are messy and it always bugs me when they go the grandparents and they post photos all over Facebook of them but with half their dinner on their tops or something! So now when they go to the grandparents, they go in tops with patterns or flowers or something, basically lots of different colours as opposed to plain, and nothing really light. Now any mess or stains or dirt aren't very noticeable.

I hope something there might help.

What I do think it's important to say though, is that we always see the worst in ourselves and not the best. And for the record, Boris may be contraversial, but when I have met him through work, it is clear behind his messy look he has a very smart brain 😉

Think this is true actually - I had very short hair for a while, which everyone told me I didn't suit, and some days I forgot to comb or brush it. It was the only time the damn stuff ever sat flat and smooth on my head.

I have never liked my appearance and at 40 I am trying to make peace with not liking it but I do struggle.
I spend an absolute fortune on clothes to still have “nothing” lol and never ever feel good about myself.
i also keep myself maintained getting my brows and anything that needs threaded done every 4 weeks and also get my hair cut and dyed every 4 weeks. I always have a stash of makeup, deodorant, perfume, sanitiser and a brush to hand but it makes no difference.
it doesn’t matter how long I spend getting ready, I never get compliments not even from my husband

I went to a state grammar school in a poor area - and we had a 2 hour session a month from aged 12-18 where two women came in and showed us how to look good with minimal effort, what clothes looked good on our particular frames, what looked right for our colouring etc. Jewelery and accessories to pick and why. Then they taught us how to make a dresses, skirts, suits tailored for our own exact measurements and we all were given personal patterns to make our clothes with when we left school. I still have them. At the time I went along with it but didn't think it would ever matter in life. It did matter a lot and I'm very grateful for the hours they put in to us. It built confidence. The information they imparted somehow went into my subconscious. Life is too short to have to work stuff out from scratch that has already been worked out before.
I bet you look great, really and your thread is just a bit of fun.

Lots of wonderful advice Mallards. I especially agree about posture making a huge difference. I would add wear the right underwear. Poorly fitting bras make an outfit look really bad.

I think it depends what you enjoy. You follow what you love. I absolutely love lotions and potions and wearing nice clothes. I always had a knack for hair, probably from practising on mine and other horses tails and manes as a child and young adult. I like things to look neat and stay in place and I’m pretty disciplined with diet and exercise. I think buying tailored clothing helps if you want to look neat. If you feel you don’t have an eye for this, you can get help (a stylist or a friend). But in the end, what matters is how you feel. Will looking put together make you feel happier? If it will, it’s worth the effort. Otherwise, continue as you are.

Completely agree that people who don’t have frizzy or curly hair have absolutely no clue how difficult it is to tame or make look presentable. A friend of mine who had completely bog standard hair - not amazing but relatively thick, straight with a very mild wave sometimes, tiniest bit of frizz ever in the rain - once asked me if I’d tried frizz ease as if it was something miraculous that I’d never heard of. Mate, I’m 45 and my hair has been the bane of my life forever: I have tried EVERYTHING including stuff you’ve never heard of. My hair at its best is still the before picture in a frizz control product advert. Not as simple as leaving it curly - it just creates ugly, frizzy, uneven curls no matter what I put in it. Keratin blow dry? Yeah, that helped by getting rid of the frizz but it flattened my hair to my scalp, made it really obvious how thin it is and wore off within 2 weeks instead of the 3 months it was meant to last. And yes, I did follow the aftercare instructions 100%. Some hair is just crap and unless you are the owner of said crap hair you don’t understand how impossible it is.

I have ADHD and I'm always a mess. Never clean and polished. I hate it!

@GabriellaFaith And for the record, Boris may be contraversial, but when I have met him through work, it is clear behind his messy look he has a very smart brain 😉

I don’t think anyone said he was stupid, just that he was completely fake and his image was deliberately cultivated. I’ve never doubted that behind that bumbling buffoon facade he’s clever - again, it’s all fake.

Although you may not look how you’d like (who does anyway), I bet you have a cracking personality. Your writing style is so funny and you sound like you have a great sense of humour. Looks aren’t everything but you sound like a beautiful funny person to me.