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Anyone else never told "the secret"?

397 replies

bollytrolly · 16/08/2023 00:02

I've just always been a bit of a mess all my life my appearance no matter how carefully I press my clothes or do my hair or put my make up on by the time I get to where I am going I always look a mess with frizzy hair, clothes all creased and make up sliding off my face. If I have something to go to where I'll be photographed I will end up getting a black eye or a bee will still me on the face. I seem to be so hard on clothes, shoes and socks and everything seems to fall to bits in double quick time even with better brands. People always slag Boris Johnson for looking a mess but I wonder if he is just a male version of me and can't get it right even if he really tries?

I had awful acne as a teen and am still getting spots now at 44 even though I take great care with my skincare, see dermatologists. Other women seem to glide though life, cool calm and collected never a hair out of place, they never seem to sweat or go attend meetings with a large toothpaste stain on their boob that they don't notice until after.

Even with items I remember at school it was always me who got the desk someone had drawn a knob on with black marker or got the ripped books! I remember as a girl I used to think of the other girls as "top girls" you know proper girls who looked nice and did ballet and horse riding lessons and then me who had awful allergies and had snot pouring out my nose half the year!

I just wanted to be a feminine and delicate woman for once in my life but now perimenopause his upon me and all my short comings are just getting worse, chin hair anyone?

Is there some secret women learn as young girls about how to achieve this aura of polish? Is there anyone like me who still has no clue?

OP posts:
givemeglitter · 16/08/2023 20:56

You have to just be prepared and take the time

I carry make up with me and a hair brush so I can reapply and fix my hair throughout the day

Always make sure clothes are ironed if they need it, but I purposely buy a lot of things which don't require ironing to make life easier

I'm meticulous with skincare and do hair masks regularly

Pay to get nails done once a month and hair done every few month

I say this as someone who has allergies, acne and horrific eczema (currently flaring up round my eyes) and it is an uphill struggle but doable

givemeglitter · 16/08/2023 20:58

duvetdayy · 16/08/2023 17:58

I don’t understand how clothes can be immediately wrinkled as soon as you step out of the bedroom as PPs have said - surely you just iron your clothes? To be fair I literally never iron anything, I run over bits of my clothes with my straighteners if I need to but it’s not as though you’re going to be putting on an ironed item of clothing and have it immediately wrinkle.

To be honest it sounds like a lot of you have curly hair and don’t realise it if is constantly unmanageable and frizzy. Everyone’s hair is manageable if you work out how to care for it. It’s trial and error but that’s obviously expensive which isn’t possible for everyone. I bleach my hair but haven’t done my roots in ages and am just ignoring it until I have the money to go to a hairdresser.

Also I think the issue is really overarchingly money (and time). If you’ve gone your whole life not knowing what skincare to use and so never using it or just using stuff that doesn’t work, it’s going to take time and money to work out what will work for you. Same with hair. Same with clothes. Busy parents don’t necessarily have time and money in abundance.

I just don’t think anyone is incapable of looking at least vaguely neat for most of a day unless you do a manual labour job or something. Also - shoot me, but I think appearance does matter. Absolutely fine if you really, honestly, do not give a single shit what anyone thinks of how you look and are therefore happy going around looking scruffy. But there’s no shame in caring and it doesn’t make you vain or shallow as I think some people are raised to think.

I agree with this. I think it would help to embrace curly hair and find products and a routine suited to curlier hair rather than trying to straighten/tame it

AInightingale · 16/08/2023 21:05

Boris just has unfortunate hair. Isn't there a thing called a keratin blow dry where you can have it applied to your hair? My own father always dressed very neatly and took care of his appearance, but his hair stood on end after a combing too. Not as if a bloke can use straighteners. It's annoying to be accused of 'never brushing your hair' when you brush it ten times a day.

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RedPanda2022 · 16/08/2023 21:08

I don’t know the secret.

duvetdayy · 16/08/2023 21:12

Angrymum22 · 16/08/2023 20:01

duveydayy unless you have curly/frizzy hair you have no idea how difficult it can be. There are lots of products and methods of taming curly hair but as soon as it becomes slightly humid your hair just goes feral. I am nearly 60 and have yet to find a hair product that reliably does the trick and I’ve probably sent thousands over the years.

My hair is wavy, and can get super frizzy in humidity if I don’t use the right products and tbh even then it’s not great. Hair that is curly is probably always going to have an amount of frizz and will always be harder to manage but PPs saying their hair is constantly completely unmanageable and looks terrible all the time probably haven’t found the right combination of products, or might be doing a routine more suited to straight hair.

GardeningIdiot · 16/08/2023 21:13

AInightingale · 16/08/2023 21:05

Boris just has unfortunate hair. Isn't there a thing called a keratin blow dry where you can have it applied to your hair? My own father always dressed very neatly and took care of his appearance, but his hair stood on end after a combing too. Not as if a bloke can use straighteners. It's annoying to be accused of 'never brushing your hair' when you brush it ten times a day.

No. He's been seen mussing it up before walking into after dinner speeches, TV interview etc. All part of the managed image.

MichaelAndEagle · 16/08/2023 21:22

One thing I do, I've learnt over the years the hood goes up at even the slightest hint of damp in the air.
I sometimes feel ridiculous but rather that than look ridiculous all day.
So a nice looking raincoat with a hood, light enough to not be sweaty is a good buy.

GnomeDePlume · 16/08/2023 22:40

Well fitting clothes do make a huge difference.

When DD2 left uni I made her 5 dresses to give her a work wardrobe to get her started.

I started with a toile (a basic starter dress made to the pattern size closest to her measurements) and then fitted it to her with precisely the right bust and waist darts. It made a huge difference to have that fitting. No awkward wrinkles or gaping bust.

Unfortunately I'm no good at fitting for myself. However I made myself the perfect top for eating out - it's a batik print. Honestly, I could spill an entire Sunday lunch down my front (I am clumsy) and it simply wouldn't show!

Another thing is wearing comfortable shoes - ill fitting shoes show in your face.

ZebraDanios · 16/08/2023 23:03

gogomoto · 16/08/2023 11:45

I think being "blessed" with frizzy curly hair puts us at a disadvantage though as it never really looks polished and groomed, however it can look naturally pretty in a way straight hair does not ... swings and roundabouts

I have fine straight hair and it’s completely rubbish. It just hangs there, totally flat, looking shapeless and lifeless and essentially pointless. I know the grass is greener and all that but I would genuinely swap my hair for any other hair type despite the issues I know everyone has with frizz.

ThreeLocusts · 16/08/2023 23:36

My tuppence - I greyed very early and have been through many phases of dyeing or not dyeing hair. The difference dyed hair makes to how I'm treated is staggering.

It's noticeable with men of all ages, but also with younger women. I assume the ones who go snooty when I'm grey don't get along with their mums.

I don't scrub up well either btw, but have never given it much thought except for job interviews. Maybe because I never got a shitty comment from my mum (who does scrub up well, if rarely). Try to ignore yours, sounds toxic. x

waterlego · 16/08/2023 23:48

Haven’t read all the replies yet but I didn’t get the memo either OP. At times I’ve found it frustrating, at others upsetting. Getting ready for events like weddings causes quite a lot of anxiety. My hair lives its own life and pays no heed to what I want it to do. I have acne (and now wrinkles too). I’m not good at choosing or coordinating clothes. I can’t do make up. I sweat a lot and spill things on myself/will usually be the person to sit in chewing gum/chocolate.

Most of the time I just try not to look in mirrors or go to smart places, and I surround myself with people who enjoy my sense of humour/conversation.

DameCurlyBassey · 17/08/2023 00:02

Fireangels · 16/08/2023 18:45

There is a Yiddish word that describes this perfectly: SCHLOCH! when I asked my grandma many years ago what this meant, she replied “Someone who still looks a schloch no matter how hard they try to look nice”. 😂Boris Johnson is a perfect example of this.

Boris Johnson is not an example of this because some people who know him well have said that he deliberately makes himself look a schloch as part of his bumbling act. Just as Boris isn't his real name this persona is a sham.

purplehair1 · 17/08/2023 00:09

I’ve never known how to style my hair. Brushing it is as good as it gets. My mum was very ungroomed also so I guess it got passed on - although my daughter seems able to effortlessly style her hair without input from me. I have tried watching YouTube videos on how to do various styles, but when I have a go it never works out. I’m generally a casual dresser which is mostly what my work requires. I think when you are young and skinny you get away with being a bit messy, less so now I’m in my 50’s and put on a couple of stone!

ShinyPikachu · 17/08/2023 00:19

Like others I'm in Scotland, with naturally curly hair and weirdly I've been wondering if I'm neurodiverse. DD was diagnosed with autism recently and the more I've learned about it for her, the more I've recognised myself in it all. People have also suggested dyspraxia in the past because of my supreme clumsiness but I've never got around to asking my doctor about that or autism as I've had enough things to keep them busy when it comes to me recently.

Something that didn't help me growing up was having the worst psoriasis on my scalp, ears, arms and legs. T Gel didn't work on me, I needed the worst smelling prescription stuff for everything and the shampoos just absolutely wrecked my hair. I still get attacks but don't need the prescription stuff at least. DM used to use a bristle brush to scrape my hair back into a bun at primary school and it was utter hell for me. Running a brush through my hair is what led to one of my teenage nicknames at school: "Bush". I'd tried to have my hair cut short, even bought all the products recommended by the hairdresser, but they just never lasted through the day and there wasn't the chance to redo my hair at school, unlike the ones with the nice swishy, glossy straight hair who could brush it constantly and it always looked amazing.

Even now if I wanted to I could use so much product/hairspray when putting my hair into a simple ponytail that it would be absolutely solid, yet there would still be little curly bits popping out at all angles. The overheating thing doesn't help either as I'll sweat around the edges of my hair and the moisture makes my hair frizz up no matter what I do with it, even pleats and ponytails can't help with the shorter bits when hair grows in for whatever reason (sometimes it's breakage, sometimes normal regeneration, but I also have trichotillomania, it's mostly under control now but sometimes I can't help it).

Morestrangerthings1 · 17/08/2023 01:56

Hufflepods · 16/08/2023 14:27

@Gowlett It’s so important. Take Kate Middleton. It’s the hair. Every time! Meghan, in-spite of an expensive, on-trend, stylist-chosen wardrobe, just… Doesn’t have the hair.

I don't agree, there is nothing messy or unpolished about Meghan's hair imo.

I don’t agree either. Meghan looks good in every picture. As does does Kate. They just have different styles.

I think we get to see more images of Meghan dressed casually and she always looks good. She’s got casual dressing down to a fine art. She does do the ‘messy bun’ look occasionally. But really that’s just well groomed hair tied up loosely in a bun. A ‘messy bun’ isn’t simple to do, imo.

Morestrangerthings1 · 17/08/2023 02:01

GnomeDePlume · 16/08/2023 22:40

Well fitting clothes do make a huge difference.

When DD2 left uni I made her 5 dresses to give her a work wardrobe to get her started.

I started with a toile (a basic starter dress made to the pattern size closest to her measurements) and then fitted it to her with precisely the right bust and waist darts. It made a huge difference to have that fitting. No awkward wrinkles or gaping bust.

Unfortunately I'm no good at fitting for myself. However I made myself the perfect top for eating out - it's a batik print. Honestly, I could spill an entire Sunday lunch down my front (I am clumsy) and it simply wouldn't show!

Another thing is wearing comfortable shoes - ill fitting shoes show in your face.

Unfortunately I'm no good at fitting for myself. However I made myself the perfect top for eating out - it's a batik print. Honestly, I could spill an entire Sunday lunch down my front ( I am clumsy) and it simply wouldn't show!

this made me laugh @GnomeDePlume but well done for finding such a good solution! I wear my food too.

MallardsMoorhensAndLethe · 17/08/2023 04:00

Smudged toenails people...

Gather up what you need. Cup of tea, magazine, remote control, shopping list. You're going nowhere until it's dry. Trim and file nails. Weave a nose tissue between the toes to separate them (or buy toe seperaters, they're foam and look a bit like knuckle dusters, will be with the nail files etc in the shop) yes it's uncomfortable, suck it up. Not too much polish in the brush, smooth one side against the glass as you remove it. Place brush at cuticle and drag up to tip. One stripe down each side and one down the middle. Wait until dry. If you're smudging it's because you're either not separating toes or you're walking around with it wet, which can be done but think of it as an advanced skill and master the basics first.

Curly haired straw bales...

Oil it. Weekly if necessary. Olive oil is fine (and cheap). Almond oil smells nicer. You can add a few drops of favourite essential oils to either. You can leave it in and it'll wash out next time you shampoo. You can put mousse or hair curling cream on top if the oil alone isn't enough of a styling agent.

The ancient makeup pallet you don't want to replace because it's a waste of money...

Accept you don't like eyeshadow and bin the darn thing so it's not sitting there making you feel guilty for not using it. Makeup is personal choice. You don't have to use every aspect of it.

Beetroot people...

Full coverage foundation and matching colour powder is your friend. Zero blusher. You may look slightly odd in the mirror after application but the minute you step out the door and blush because the neighbours waved hello, the problem will be fixed. When you know people can't see your mild blushes, you'll feel less self conscious and over time will stop the vicious cycle where you realise you're blushing then get embarrassment about that and turn full on beetroot.

Skincare baffled...

Serum, oil, moisturiser with SPF. Just pick a range and use it. If you don't like something, try a different one next time. If you turn spotty either drop the oil or use a lighter cream. Some kind of cleanser and toner or a face wash for the evening, a splash of water is fine in the morning. If you want to tackle a particular issue research what ingredient you need for that and find a product with it in.

Time money energy... I have the first now but before that I worked full time with a time consuming hobby. It can still be done. If you're broke, your experimenting takes the form of buying and trying one product at a time and using it up even if it's not that good. Cheap products are fine. My makeup takes ten minutes. You can always put more on but you can't take it off if you've done it too thick. Take your makeup off each night no matter how tired then use moisturiser, even those face wipes are better than nothing. Buy clothes that don't need ironing if you hate it. If you watch TV iron while you watch, to save time. I have a basic hair cut that I do myself. Nothing about all this has to be time consuming, expensive or take much energy.

Overheating...

Layers. My mum walked around in a vest top and optional cardigan all winter throughout menopause. Hand held battery fan in your bag for summer. Splash your face with water, pat it dry and top up makeup if you've sweated it off. You can afford cotton clothing, it's in all the supermarkets. Not too expensive in the sale. Save up if you have to, it's better to have one cotton tee that's comfortable hand wash it daily and dry it in the sun/on the radiator than have 5 synthetic tees that make you feel awful. Hair up if it's frizzing from scalp or neck sweat or adding to your general overheating.

Not giving a fuck...

Good for you, if that works. It's certainly the simplest solution. The rest of us aren't doing it out of judgement from others usually but for our own self confidence. We are the ones who give a fuck, about our own appearances, because it's connected to how we feel. I couldn't give a damn what others think. I still like to take care of myself this way. Kudos to those who picked jobs that fitted their appearance so they wouldn't need to do a level of faffing they don't want to, smart move, I salute you.

Mothers...

Seems to be a bit of a theme. Ignore your negative mother. Some people want to drag everyone else down to their level. Misery likes company, as the saying goes. You're not obliged to provide the miserable company. Stay strong and resist.

Thanks for the posts about the doctors. I never knew whether it's better I should dress sick or well presented to get taken seriously.

Britneyfan · 17/08/2023 04:18

Hi please tag me if you start a thread for generally frazzled looking people! With me, I feel like I somehow DID manage to look pulled together most of the time in my twenties (though a lot of that may simply be being able to get away with being less “groomed” as I was young and slim, I would say that I also put a lot more time and effort into it then), but after a string of unfortunate events starting with puerperal psychosis and including a lot of depression, I have totally lost my mojo in terms of style and fashion. I definitely feel perimenopause is hitting me hard and makeup now just completely slides off my sore red face etc. I actually used to have lovely skin that I didn’t need to make much effort for but now it’s awful and I have no idea how to fix it. I basically feel like I was able to work out how to look put together as a twenty something in the 2000s but the same fashion and makeup etc doesn’t work for now in a different era and in a different (much fatter and older) body, and I just don’t know where to start. I think a previous poster is also right to say that there is generally a much higher base level of expectation for what a woman in her 40s like me should look like. And it’s not what was expected of our mothers who were “allowed” to age. I feel it’s so tricky now because you’re still expected to look youthful but also you can’t get away with wearing exactly what the 18 year olds are wearing…

bollytrolly · 17/08/2023 17:29

Just a note for those saying to take a brush and fix your hair throughout the day when you have frizzy, wavy or curly hair brushing it often makes it worse.

OP posts:
Isitautumnyet23 · 17/08/2023 17:47

bollytrolly · 17/08/2023 17:29

Just a note for those saying to take a brush and fix your hair throughout the day when you have frizzy, wavy or curly hair brushing it often makes it worse.

GHD’s solved frizziness for me (doing it every day) but you do have to compensate with hair masks and accept abit of damage. Also, you have to be someone who wakes up early to allow time for straightening in the morning routine. I also wont buy a coat without a hood as rain/damp foggy mornings instantly frizz up my hair, so you could keep a roll up mac in your bag all the time for rainy days.

ReformedWaywardTeen · 17/08/2023 17:53

Yep.

I hate clothes shopping. Never find anything I like, not that I know what I like or what suits me

Haven't been to a hairdresser in years because every single one never listened and I ended up with horrendous hair styles.

Can't do make up. Can't do nails.

Wedding shopping was horrific, my DS picked my dress in the end.

Have literally worn jeans, converse and either t-shirts or jumpers depending on the season.

I do dye my hair at home but just back to the brown it's always been.

I shave my legs and come out in a rash every time. Strawberry skin it's called. I also have eczema on my legs in patches. Never dared to try waxing or fake tan.

I want to be good at being a woman but I even when I think I look nice I will see a picture and be horrified. I look like a sack of potatoes.

I hate my nose and my chin.

My mum never helped. She never wore make up and saw it as for prostitutes (not kidding, she wasn't religious either). She dressed like a pensioner at mid 30s to early 40s. And that was in the early to late nineties.

If there was a course I would go on it.

Hufflepods · 17/08/2023 17:58

bollytrolly · 17/08/2023 17:29

Just a note for those saying to take a brush and fix your hair throughout the day when you have frizzy, wavy or curly hair brushing it often makes it worse.

They’re a different types of brushes though! A wide tooth comb isn’t going to add frizz to wavy or curly hair.

FreddieMercurysCat · 17/08/2023 18:24

Op - you sound like the secret twin sister I never knew I had. You’ve pretty much just described me 🤷‍♀️

Justontherightsideofnormal · 17/08/2023 18:33

@bollytrolly you have literally summed me up. 43 years old and my whole life has been like this (except the acne I didn’t suffer with this)

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 17/08/2023 18:34

It’s your personality! Stay with me here…

As a PP said, you need to be a certain type of woman in my eyes to pull it off.

I grew up with two brothers in the country, I am loud, somewhat boisterous, never was into dolls or make up (still don’t wear it day to day now in my 40s), I lift weights, I drive what would be considered boy racer cars…. I just am who I am and no amount of pushing and pulling is ever going to make me look put together…. It’s just not who I am! Although I do love my stiletto heels.

My argument is that me as a person I am too ‘big’ to be contained in a perfect exterior.

This is also you I sense… Embrace it!