Anyone else never told "the secret"?

[bollytrolly]

I've just always been a bit of a mess all my life my appearance no matter how carefully I press my clothes or do my hair or put my make up on by the time I get to where I am going I always look a mess with frizzy hair, clothes all creased and make up sliding off my face. If I have something to go to where I'll be photographed I will end up getting a black eye or a bee will still me on the face. I seem to be so hard on clothes, shoes and socks and everything seems to fall to bits in double quick time even with better brands. People always slag Boris Johnson for looking a mess but I wonder if he is just a male version of me and can't get it right even if he really tries?

I had awful acne as a teen and am still getting spots now at 44 even though I take great care with my skincare, see dermatologists. Other women seem to glide though life, cool calm and collected never a hair out of place, they never seem to sweat or go attend meetings with a large toothpaste stain on their boob that they don't notice until after.

Even with items I remember at school it was always me who got the desk someone had drawn a knob on with black marker or got the ripped books! I remember as a girl I used to think of the other girls as "top girls" you know proper girls who looked nice and did ballet and horse riding lessons and then me who had awful allergies and had snot pouring out my nose half the year!

I just wanted to be a feminine and delicate woman for once in my life but now perimenopause his upon me and all my short comings are just getting worse, chin hair anyone?

Is there some secret women learn as young girls about how to achieve this aura of polish? Is there anyone like me who still has no clue?

OP: I sympathise. Often shorter, layered cuts, or asymmetrical cuts that USE the curl rather than get it to submit (never works) are most flattering. I found a hairdresser years ago who specialises is curly hair cuts. Plus products. Leave- in conditioner or mousse for curls. One can learn to love one’s curls

Really oddly, I was always a mess but post menopause I have morphed into a completely different woman, coordinating outfits, hair done and I absolutely love the new me! Give yourself time. We go through so many changes in our life, it's about adapting and taking charge of ourselves.

When you find the secret, please share it.
Frizzy overweight woman with Rosacia and acne here.

@MallardsMoorhensAndLethe
Brilliant advice, thank you.

I recently bought a couple of new dresses for work. I wore one & felt a complete scruff-it felt too tight & the fabric was a bit cheap & more flowery than I would normally choose.
I was amazed at the number of compliments I received from many people; male & female colleagues, children & visiting parents (work in a school). It really confused me. Does that mean that the clothes that I believe look good on me don’t? Or perhaps it’s just that it was a dress they hadn’t seen before. I do have a lot of clothes because I never throw anything away some are about 20 years old & still fit. Hair always lets me down & I grow 3 chins on my way to work. I’ve found the best thing for me is to avoid mirrors after 9am!

Me too!

To be honest I’ve never met anyone who looks as messy as some people claim they look.

I don’t know many real life women who are polished, except really affluent women who are either actresses or wealthy husbands and it must be part of the ‘deal’

Would love to look more glamorous but it’s time and money. If I’ve been to the hairdresser I look great. So I know it is possible!

Can I just emphasise that it is the person within that
counts. Your thoughts and action really do reflect on your face. We can't be Little Miss Sunbeams all the time and life is hard. But a kind andthankful heart and an interest in others beats cosmetics hands down.

I think there is a huge difference between extremely polished like a celeb or Royal and not looking like you woke up in a bin.

I suspect most people, if they have decent hygiene and take a little care with their appearance (eg clean clothes in good repair) probably look fine.

@bollytrolly this made me smile so much because I could have written it! I’ve spent a fortune on the best waterproof mascaras yet have never gone more than an hour without it all around my eyes, even when I’m so careful not to touch them. As for lipstick and eyeliner, it looks ridiculous the moment I put it on!

I can’t wear any shoes without tights because my feet sweat so much and I get so jealous of watching women in cute flats in the summer or high heels.

Stains just magically find my clothes and it’s a mystery to me how I’ve ended up covered in deodorant marks when I waited ages to carefully put on my dress. I really have tried in the past to do my hair nicely, but after 5 minutes it looks like it does every other day, a frizzy mess!!

I look at other women in awe and bewilderment that they can be so put together. I honestly don’t know how they do it!

My go tos are invest in decent underwear (not shape wear, but decent bra, good knickers, esp if you have an overhang and want to smooth it in) good fitting tights / leggings, a good regular haircut and whatever else makes you feel polished- for me it’s regular waxing and a pedicure (even tho my fingernails are awful, I ignore those!) when I lived somewhere humid, I got keratin hair treatment as it stopped me looking like cousin it

clothes are also key -don’t have to be expensive but do have to fit. I find lots of things that cover up peri menopause belly etc actually draw more attention to it. Linen and baggy shapeless shift dresses (that the UK loves in summer clothes) accentuate all the bits you don’t want, ime. I always drop food / coffee down myself, so I have stopped wearing cream / white. I also spend more on jeans than I used to as it makes a difference with how they look.

primer and setting spray is key for making up not sliding off during the day.

Shoes without tights...I think most people wear those little footlets with them.
Surely everyone's feet would sweat too much.

I don't wear shoes without tights - if it is warm enough to wear a skirt or dress without tights, then it is warm enough for sandals.

Impossible for me, they just slip off my feet! And I’m even talking about sandals, my feet slip in them.

Sounds like you're feeling really down on yourself, as if nothing ever goes right for you no matter how hard you try. A bit of perspective goes a long way - you're alive and probably have a lot to be grateful for if you take a couple steps back and look at your life objectively.

Some women do have this seemingly effortless beauty and poise, my grandmother was one of them and people in the family still talk about her even though she passed away a long time ago. From the stories my mother and uncle tell she was always beautifully dressed and took great care with her appearance, setting her hair in rollers and doing her nails every Sunday without fail. She would tell my mum to always wear earrings when going out, and took a lot of time and care doing her make-up. She'd spray some perfume on a cotton wool ball and keep that in her handbag so it always smelt nice when she opened her bag. I think little rituals like these culminate in an overall impression of womanliness and glamour.

On a practical level maybe try slowing down a bit. Even your post sounds like you wrote it at a mile a minute! If your aspiration is to be this cool, calm, put together woman you'll find it much easier if you chill.

Here’s a pic of my grandmother 💗

I was hoping the "secret" would have been shared already. Just sitting here waiting for someone to enlighten me too.

BTW I suffered for years with Rosecea and the only thing that ever helped me was Soolantra. Have you ever tried it?

There’s nothing so boring as perfectly put together woman , it’s a huge chore to keep that crap up . Usually there’s a self esteem issue going on .
honestly I wouldn’t want to be a that kind of person,
there’s more to life than grooming,
I met a 24 year old yesterday really lovely young gay man , he said that he’s so driven by what he looks like every day clothes hair etc etc that sometimes he just lays on his bedroom floor and has melt downs over his appearance, and literally can’t move .
this world of Instagram etc is toxic
so sad you do you ,
I know I would rather hang out with the person with toothpaste down their shirt !
☺️

You've described a rather extreme situation there...

That sounds wonderful, @RojoCarlottaValdez.

I often wonder if women in countries where school uniform is the rule end up feeling at a disadvantage once school is over and the world of work beckons.

I know from observation of my DDs who attended high school in the US (non uniform) that they were very confident about choosing clothes, doing their hair and makeup, etc, for work. By contrast, I hit university with the grand total of two pairs of jeans, two blouses, and three jumpers, and it took a while for me to hit my stride, style wise.

That’s a great point!
And they say one of the main objectives of uniform is to prepare children for the world of work… (despite the fact many of them will spend at least three years between school and work at university wearing whatever they like)

The 'secret' is prioritising it. They spend much more time, and money, and energy, and never ever ever skip all that incredibly tedious faffing and primping and maintenance.

I''ve come to that conclusion having read this thread, and also that for me ( this is a preference not a value judgement) I am just never going to want to spend that much time on this. It's just who I am and what my brain focuses on

This is me too! when I'm complimented on something I wear, usually a brighter dress or pattern ( that I don't feel that "me" in) I do wonder if the compliment is genuine, are people having a laugh or are they so appalled at the sight of me they feel they have to cover up their stare and say it's lovely.

I feel for you! I was a teenager in the 70's, the outbreak of punk was my saviour!