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Anyone else never told "the secret"?

397 replies

bollytrolly · 16/08/2023 00:02

I've just always been a bit of a mess all my life my appearance no matter how carefully I press my clothes or do my hair or put my make up on by the time I get to where I am going I always look a mess with frizzy hair, clothes all creased and make up sliding off my face. If I have something to go to where I'll be photographed I will end up getting a black eye or a bee will still me on the face. I seem to be so hard on clothes, shoes and socks and everything seems to fall to bits in double quick time even with better brands. People always slag Boris Johnson for looking a mess but I wonder if he is just a male version of me and can't get it right even if he really tries?

I had awful acne as a teen and am still getting spots now at 44 even though I take great care with my skincare, see dermatologists. Other women seem to glide though life, cool calm and collected never a hair out of place, they never seem to sweat or go attend meetings with a large toothpaste stain on their boob that they don't notice until after.

Even with items I remember at school it was always me who got the desk someone had drawn a knob on with black marker or got the ripped books! I remember as a girl I used to think of the other girls as "top girls" you know proper girls who looked nice and did ballet and horse riding lessons and then me who had awful allergies and had snot pouring out my nose half the year!

I just wanted to be a feminine and delicate woman for once in my life but now perimenopause his upon me and all my short comings are just getting worse, chin hair anyone?

Is there some secret women learn as young girls about how to achieve this aura of polish? Is there anyone like me who still has no clue?

OP posts:
Soscrewed · 16/08/2023 02:57

Oh my goodness, I'm the same, I always feel like a scruff. I desperately don't want my daughters to feel the same, but I've no idea what to do. I don't really do make up etc anymore and when I do I feel like a clown. My hair is fine and slightly curly, but even when I follow the curly girl thing it still looks a mess.

MallardsMoorhensAndLethe · 16/08/2023 03:01

Ok. From the top down.

If you've got hair that's not agreeable to wind or humidity, find an updo that suits both your personality and your clothes. If you wear several vastly different styles of clothes eg a suit to the office and a tracksuit on weekends, you're most probably going to need to master two updo's. Check the weather forecast on waking and if the weather is unfavorable style your hair in the updo. Another note regards hair. If it needs washing daily so you can effectively restyle it, accept this and have it at a length/haircut that doesn't annoy you to do it. Cut off your split ends and if you're having to do that more than a few times a year - use more or better conditioner. Experiment until you find effective styling products including experimenting with the amount needed. They don't need to be expensive. Always carry a clip/hairband/hairbrush or whatever else you need to restyle quickly in an emergency, then no matter what, you avoid looking like a total tramp.

If your makeup slides off...
a) try mattifying skincare as your base.
b) If your skin feels at all tight, it needs moisturising, whatever you're currently using isn't enough. Makeup won't sit well on dehydrated skin.
c) Less is more especially if you don't have makeup skills, as such. Don't try to transform yourself just aim to look like you, but a smidge better.
d) Shape your eyebrows, removing stragglers weekly, a teeny tiny bit of vaseline and brush into place will keep them tidy.
e) Carry powder and use it if you get too shiney, check at least once (lunchtime) and preferably before leaving work too. Carry eyeshadow and reapply if necessary. Carry lip balm, you can use a smear of it it on dry patches, eyebrows, eyelashes too to re-gloss yourself if necessary.
f) If you don't wear makeup at least carry tissues, take one opened out and put it on your face, smooth your face (not wipe it) with the tissue on, it'll absorb excess oil. Works if you're wearing makeup too although a little will come off on the tissue.
g) if you're too red, use a green colour corrector as primer or powder.

Nobody cares if you have wrinkles or peach fluff on your face. But deal with your beard whiskers even if it means going to a salon. Wear sunscreen, skin cancer isn't a good look. Nobody cares if you have body hair (as long as it's not poking through your tights, looking at you Ms History Teacher (mine, not all history teachers!)) but don't have halitosis or BO, find a solution.

If you lose earrings, get the ones with hooks like a U shape that go through your ear and dangle down or the circle ones where the bit that goes through your ear kind of hooks into the other bit. They don't come off so easily as the ones with butterfly backs.

Watch your posture. A lot of looking like a sack of spuds is slumping. Stand in front of a mirror, are you even or slouched to one side? Get treatment if needed and be aware of your posture, correct yourself regularly, it gets to be a habit after a while.

I know you're tired, rushed, stressed, anxious etc but pause for a second and pick your face up. Literally use your face muscles, raise your eyebrows and corners of your mouth like half a cm or something. Look in a mirror and do it so you can see what I mean. You instantly look better and less downtrodden, especially combined with posture. Also smile. Nobody actually has to have resting bitch face, your face can look however you want it to but you have to use your muscles to achieve it, nobody is going to do it for you!

Find the smile that works. Practice in the mirror. If someone points a camera at you, put it on your face. No more pics of you grinning like a psycho, or with a double chin even though you're only size 10.

If you wear glasses get a style and colour that matches your clothes as well as your face.

Wear clothes that fit.
a) If they're rolling up or falling off they don't fit. Maybe you need different fastenings, different necklines, different waistband, different size, different brand or store, different way of doing buttons eg I do middle 3 buttons on a fitted cardigan, other methods and styles of cardigan make me look like a tramp. See also: posture.
b) Experiment, find something that works and stick with it. Fashion comes and goes but if clothes don't suit you, don't hang right etc you're going to look like a bag lady. You are the centre of your life (maybe second after DC). If you can't be bothered to find clothes that fit, there's nothing I can say that will help, except work on your self esteem.
c) If you're not good at matching clothes, forget trying to! Find some outfits that work and wear them on rotation. It's not compulsory to mix and match your clothes, especially if the end result is looking like you got dressed in the dark.
d) Iron clothes that need it, nothing should look crumpled before you put it on, it makes a massive difference.
e) Have an awesome coat that makes you feel a million dollars and suits the style of your clothes as well as your skin tone.
f) If you don't know what your colours are, put them near your face and look in the mirror. If you resemble a corpse that colour isn't for you, if it perks up your skin tone and brightens you then buy it. Your skin tone changes as you age so revisit colours occasionally.

Have your nails painted/unpainted, long or short, but file them so they're neat and carry a nail file for when one snaps or splits.

Regards carrying this and that. You're going to need a bag. One that matches your style. If yours comes from Tesco (other brands of carrier are available) then you may as well accessories with a dog on a string and a twig in your hair. Just don't. If you've got a bag bag and a Tesco bag for the overflow, buy a bigger bag.

Stop rushing, that'll deal with the harried, panicked, wild eyed, out of breath look and sometimes the sweating too. You can sweat from anxiety, so leave "emergency room" in your schedule to avoid being late. If you can't do this, look at how much you're taking on - it's probably too much. Life is for living not for rushing through quickly, there's no pot of gold at the finish line, just a coffin.

Signed: that gawky unfashionable fugly teenager who dressed like a bag lady, but finally figured it out.

Echobelly · 16/08/2023 03:04

You're not alone. I apply makeup with tips from a 1987 Jackie annual, I always have a bra strap showing and my collars skewiff and my nail varnish is all over the place.

But I don't really care, I'm not chic and never will be so I cover it up with quite loud clothes and patterns !

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 16/08/2023 03:19

Wow @MallardsMoorhensAndLethe
Great advice. Keep going!

Morestrangerthings1 · 16/08/2023 04:22

@MallardsMoorhensAndLethe

That was wonderful. I’m printing that out. Thank you for taking the time!

I also loved the tesco bag example and ‘the dog on a string and twig in your hair’
😂

Signed: A Little More Hopeful.

JustJoinedRightNow · 16/08/2023 05:15

This is me and I've just read through @MallardsMoorhensAndLethe wonderful advice and want to try to give it a go.
I think mine is a combination of not always feeling great health wise as well as mental health wise.
The posture thing really stood out to me, I will make a better effort to stand up properly.
I once went to a relative's birthday party and my Aunty told me I looked wonderful in a borrowed dress, I was very self conscious (as a 40yo) and I asked my mum if she thought I looked ok and she said "you look fine and anyway no one will be looking at you" felt sorry I had asked her. I just needed a little reassurance.

bagforlifeamnesty · 16/08/2023 06:12

Following as I feel like this despite not being at the peri stage yet. However I have particularly felt like this during my pregnancies (expecting DC3 now) and particularly when breastfeeding so it must be a partly hormonal thing?

Im always a sweaty mess. I go red and get embarrassed very easily and I go like a beetroot. My hair is always frizzy and I always seem to need to shave my legs or get a pedicure or sort my nails out even if I feel like I’ve only just done them. I’m so clumsy so I’m constantly covered in bruises as I walk into things. My clothes never fit right and always look old and not quite right together even if they’re quite new. Everything I own seems to be bobbled or not smell quite right even after washing. My shoes always look old and scruffy. Whenever I see groups of other mums with young kids they always look more put together than me and have posh changing bags and nice prams. My stuff is all second hand or I’ve bought whatever was on offer to try to save money and then regretted it because it’s not what I really wanted.

I’ve partly come to the conclusion that I don’t spend as much time and money on stuff as other people. Like my hair at the moment is not great but I can’t remember the last time I had it properly done. But also in the past I have spent more time and/or money on this stuff and it still isn’t right - like the time I went to an expensive hairdressers and paid £80 for a restyle and it was so awful I actually had to go elsewhere afterwards to have it fixed because I looked horrendous. So then I feel stupid for having spent the money because it’s like I’m trying hard to look nice and have spent all this time and money and I still look bloody ridiculous. So I find it easier not to bother and although I still look shit at least I’m less disappointed and haven’t wasted my money trying to keep up with the trends.

poorbutgood · 16/08/2023 06:19

I too am part of this elite group!

bagforlifeamnesty · 16/08/2023 06:20

Oh also I have awful teeth that are all crooked and my mouth looks too small to fit them all in. My skin is a weird combo of oily and dry and I am prone to blackheads.

it doesn’t help that I really don’t enjoy “self care” or pruning. I really have to force myself to even get in the shower let alone spending any free time I have in the evenings on pampering, doing my nails etc. It just doesn’t motivate me so perhaps overall I’m just not that bothered. I know some people get a lot of enjoyment out of this stuff but I’m not one of them.

probably also doesn’t help that most of my make up and stuff is very old, I do buy new foundation and mascara but everything else like eyeshadow palettes etc are 5-10 years old. I should just Chuck them out and buy new ones but I can’t bring myself to because they were expensive at the time.

Libelula21 · 16/08/2023 06:21

Wow!
Thank you @MallardsMoorhensAndLethe !!

This thread is actually making me feel a little bit sad, it’s showing me how I’ve always gone through life scruffy and thrown together.

I wear make up about three times a year.
Bite my nails.
Never iron any clothes.
Just pull a brush through my hair.
I’ve never had a skincare routine, just a facecloth and some random cleanser (not even everyday, sometimes just water)
Due to motherhood + death of partner + Covid + menopause (all in 6 years) my weight has ballooned which a) doesn’t look good and b) means I don’t shop for nice clothes any more.

I’m used to being me, but writing it down I realise what a mess I am. I grew up in a rural area, as did my mum, and I inherited her low self esteem too.

It’s a motivating thread, time to get my glow on (a bit!). I’ve recently given up alcohol - I had turned into too much of a daily tippler - so now’s a good time to start work on an overhaul.

Libelula21 · 16/08/2023 06:26

@bagforlifeamnesty

I once got some styes/ eye infections. I don’t know the reason - stress probably - but I threw out all my old grotty make-up and it felt really good to buy a fresh kit.
(This was about 12 years ago when I was wearing makeup slightly more than 3 times a year!)

WWYDIYWMRN · 16/08/2023 06:30

I'm also like this, I've always looked like a scruff no matter what I do. 7 or 8 years ago, I gave up giving a shit and now just embrace it. I don't bother with make-up or hair products and don't iron anything either

bagforlifeamnesty · 16/08/2023 06:32

@Libelula21 i know I should just bite the bullet and do it but I feel like I can never justify spending the money to replace stuff I rarely use. I don’t mind buying mascara because I use it fairly frequently, at least 2-3 times a week, but I don’t really go “out out” anymore so I use other stuff less often.

i have just remembered that I still have an old favourite lipstick that I got at university… it’s 14 years since I graduated 😬 in my defence I don’t actually use said lipstick as that’s a bit grim even for me, but it was the perfect colour and I forever live in hope of finding a similar one as it was discontinued but I never have..!

Libelula21 · 16/08/2023 06:35

@bagforlifeamnesty I wonder if you took it into a department store someone could colour match it for you?

bagforlifeamnesty · 16/08/2023 06:37

@WWYDIYWMRN i think this is where I’m headed tbh. It’s what my mum has done and she gives zero fucks now, it’s quite admirable. She uses a bar of soap to wash her face and has a huge tub of moisturiser she buys at the £1 shop and uses it both face and body. Doesn’t wear any make up and stopped shaving her legs or armpits. Give up dying her hair, it’s grey now. She wears outrageous clothes she buys from charity shops and will wear an insanely colourful long flowing dress with a pair of walking shoes because they’re comfy and she can and just doesn’t give a fuck whether they match or not. When I was younger I used to resent the fact that she hadn’t taught me how to curl my hair and wouldn’t take me out for a spa day (her idea of hell), my friends mums used to do their make up and give them their Clinique freebies. Maybe I am destined to become like my mother after all!

Libelula21 · 16/08/2023 06:40

Is anyone interested in starting a ‘Scruffy Women on Manoeuvres’ thread to work on this stuff.

I was taught when young that vanity was a bad thing, was even a bit disdainful of women spending a lot of time on grooming for a while (and there are limits!). When I was young I didn’t like mirrors - not because I was unattractive (I’m average) but I think I had problems with the male gaze, being objectified, and the ruthless concepts underneath the idea of a ‘sexual marketplace’

…but now I see how a basic baseline of grooming is an important part of self care and self worth. Of just not being a sloven, bluntly!

Libelula21 · 16/08/2023 06:42

On the other hand @bagforlifeamnesty your mum sounds ruddy brilliant!

(for life stage context I’m 48)

bagforlifeamnesty · 16/08/2023 06:48

@Libelula21 yeah she’s pretty awesome to be fair. It also gives her an air of confidence and she’s basically just leaning into her not-quite-but-basically-a-hippy vibe. Problem is that I’m not a child of the sixties like she was so if I tried to channel this I just end up feeling self conscious and awkward as it’s just not really very “me”! In the past I have tried to go more for the “Swedish architect” vibe (look it up on S+B threads if you’re not familiar) and I could just about pull that off before kids but now I’m just not together enough for that. And have never really been trendy enough for it either!

Angstyaug · 16/08/2023 06:55

Libelula21

Is anyone interested in starting a ‘Scruffy Women on Manoeuvres’ thread to work on this stuff.*
*
Me. I'd be interested.

iamnotgoogle · 16/08/2023 06:59

I too have had the wonder years of children and covid. And then panicked a bit on the return to work. I'd stopped really shopping or thinking about nice clothes while I focused on young children and I realised I needed to. I went to John Lewis and tried on heaps of clothes including colours/styles/fabrics/shapes I wasn't sure were me. And I looked at them really objectively to figure out what actually looked good, wouldn't crumple instantly or require incredibly annoying ironing. Armed with this knowledge, I've then built myself a wardrobe mostly from vinted.

And then I found earrings that match these outfits in colour and style. In terms of glasses, I have one pair with black frames that go with anything, and match my style. And one that are a colour that goes with the bulk of my wardrobe. Online glasses vendors are surprisingly affordable compared to highstreet outlets.

My hair is a bit crazy: sometimes dries straight, sometimes wavy, and goes pretty darned curly in drizzle. Richard Ward 10-in-1 spritz (on offer in Waitrose) has been a game changer. Whatever my hair has decided on that day, it hangs well and looks shiny and healthy. And u use decent condition as pp mentioned.

And I bought a sonicare toothbrush that has actually whitened my (imperfect) teeth. Expensive, but it has been well worth it for dental health and appearance.

Kweeky · 16/08/2023 07:02

I remember noticing, when I was young, that the posh girls were not overweight (you wouldn't be if you didn't go in the kitchen and had staff that put meals in front of you), had good posture (probably nagging parent /school) and nice natural hairstyles. Just cut to shoulder length. whereas we commoners had every length possible, some unflattering styles.
Also they probably didn't eat Mars bars for lunch so nice skin too.

Though this isn't really what you are talking about OP.

I never buy linen clothes as they are instantly crumpled on me. But somehow they are very common in the shops.

bagforlifeamnesty · 16/08/2023 07:03

I am not giving up hope yet so would definitely be interested in joining a thread as pp suggested. Please tag me!

I always see self care as a waste of money but perhaps I need to prioritise it. I also need to make sure I’m eating well as I always look and feel like shit when I’m eating shit (which happens a lot).

As another pp mentioned I do wonder how much undiagnosed (or diagnosed!) neurodiversity is a factor here. I have long suspected that both my mum and I have ADHD and that surely must be a factor?

GnomeDePlume · 16/08/2023 07:06

No matter how hard I try I look like an unmade bed.

However, I have started two things which are helping me to feel more confident.

  1. I got my hair cut short. Now my hair looks tidy all the time.
  2. I started making my own clothes. No two ways about it, I'm fat, I'm middle aged. Making my own clothes means I can have clothes which fit made out of fabrics I love.

I dont wear make-up. I never learned how to do it properly. Now I dont worry about it.

the80sweregreat · 16/08/2023 07:10

I could have a team of people to help me with hair / clothes whatever and still end up a mess
Some people have the knack of looking groomed or cool and others don't !
I've given up now , as long as I'm clean and my clothes are too then it's all fine !

Unicorntastic · 16/08/2023 07:11

I think some people are just naturally scruffy no matter what and vice versa, I’m thinking about former colleagues (because you’d often see them more than friends) some of whom would always look well groomed and some who always looked scruffy no matter what they did. I don’t think it’s necessarily the effort you put in.