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Original poster

Anyone else never told "the secret"?

397 replies

bollytrolly · 16/08/2023 00:02

I've just always been a bit of a mess all my life my appearance no matter how carefully I press my clothes or do my hair or put my make up on by the time I get to where I am going I always look a mess with frizzy hair, clothes all creased and make up sliding off my face. If I have something to go to where I'll be photographed I will end up getting a black eye or a bee will still me on the face. I seem to be so hard on clothes, shoes and socks and everything seems to fall to bits in double quick time even with better brands. People always slag Boris Johnson for looking a mess but I wonder if he is just a male version of me and can't get it right even if he really tries?

I had awful acne as a teen and am still getting spots now at 44 even though I take great care with my skincare, see dermatologists. Other women seem to glide though life, cool calm and collected never a hair out of place, they never seem to sweat or go attend meetings with a large toothpaste stain on their boob that they don't notice until after.

Even with items I remember at school it was always me who got the desk someone had drawn a knob on with black marker or got the ripped books! I remember as a girl I used to think of the other girls as "top girls" you know proper girls who looked nice and did ballet and horse riding lessons and then me who had awful allergies and had snot pouring out my nose half the year!

I just wanted to be a feminine and delicate woman for once in my life but now perimenopause his upon me and all my short comings are just getting worse, chin hair anyone?

Is there some secret women learn as young girls about how to achieve this aura of polish? Is there anyone like me who still has no clue?

OP posts:
MallardsMoorhensAndLethe · 18/08/2023 18:28

BlossomCloud · 18/08/2023 17:48

I''ve come to that conclusion having read this thread, and also that for me ( this is a preference not a value judgement) I am just never going to want to spend that much time on this. It's just who I am and what my brain focuses on

Show quote history

This is the difference, I enjoy all that stuff. It's part of my me-time. It's self-care. There's nothing tedious about it for me. It's not being done for the male gaze or for others judgement, it's done because I want to, for myself.

It's probably similar to the divide of people who get washed, dressed, hair and makeup (if they wear it) knowing they've got no plans to leave the house. Versus those at the opposite end of the divide who don't believe in putting actual clothes on for anything less than a night out with their mates or the hours they're at work, the rest of the time it's pyjamas.

HaveYouHeardOfARoadAtlas · 18/08/2023 18:39

So I’ve been to the hairdressers today and it looks glossy and smooth and didn’t have any after product put on it. So it’s either the expensive Kerastase shampoo or the blow dry technique. She used a barrel brush, I might invest in one and try it.

MichaelAndEagle · 18/08/2023 18:45

Its the blow dry. My hair is smooth and stays that way until the next wash when it's been blow dried by a professional.

Its a skill, and the right tools for the job.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Menopause Women's health
ZebraDanios · 18/08/2023 19:38

SapatSea · 18/08/2023 17:51

This is me too! when I'm complimented on something I wear, usually a brighter dress or pattern ( that I don't feel that "me" in) I do wonder if the compliment is genuine, are people having a laugh or are they so appalled at the sight of me they feel they have to cover up their stare and say it's lovely.

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This might just be me but I tend to compliment people when they wear bright colours or patterns because I love bright colours. I can’t really tell whether something suits someone or not (including myself - this is part of my problem…) - I think I just think everyone looks better in bright colours because I like them!

BlossomCloud · 18/08/2023 20:14

ZebraDanios · 18/08/2023 19:38

This might just be me but I tend to compliment people when they wear bright colours or patterns because I love bright colours. I can’t really tell whether something suits someone or not (including myself - this is part of my problem…) - I think I just think everyone looks better in bright colours because I like them!

Show quote history

Me too Smile bright colours always give me a lift so that's often when I compliment people.

ZebraDanios · 18/08/2023 21:33

@BlossomCloud Have you heard of dopamine dressing? It’s when you wear whatever bright colours and patterns you like all together without paying any attention to whether they go together or clash or suit you or anything. I’ve been doing it for years without knowing there was a name for it, but apparently wearing bright colours really does lift your mood.

BlossomCloud · 18/08/2023 21:40

ZebraDanios · 18/08/2023 21:33

@BlossomCloud Have you heard of dopamine dressing? It’s when you wear whatever bright colours and patterns you like all together without paying any attention to whether they go together or clash or suit you or anything. I’ve been doing it for years without knowing there was a name for it, but apparently wearing bright colours really does lift your mood.

Interesting! I hadn't heard of the term but when I was at university I suffered an awful bereavement and discovered wearing bright colours (pinks and reds etc) made me feel better and helped me get through the day.

ZebraDanios · 18/08/2023 22:35

@BlossomCloud Oh, I’m so sorry that happened, but glad the magic of colour had a positive effect on you. Warm colours like pinks and reds are supposed to be especially effective - you must have known that instinctively. I love all shades of pink - it just feels like a happy colour!

BlossomCloud · 18/08/2023 22:43

Exactly Smilei have a huge bright pink woolly cardigan and it always makes me smile when I put it on!

Breathedeeper · 19/08/2023 08:20

”The secret” is to make an art out of taking good care of your appearance, whatever you’re working with. You don’t need a lot of money or time necessarily, but some effort and commitment. Find ways to make daily routines joyous, even sacred, and do things with friends and family to make it fun like getting your nails done or having facials (in a salon or at home if your budget is tight). It might sound like a lot of work if you’ve never set aside any time to do it before, but it really can be a life-enhancing pleasure that makes you feel wonderful about yourself in the best possible sense.

bluejelly · 19/08/2023 12:21

Found this thread slightly heart-breaking. So much self loathing. I think it's worth considering whose 'beauty' standards you are trying to hit and why. So much fashion and cosmetic marketing is designed to make you feel like you are not good enough unless you but this product or outfit. We internalise this and think it is us who have failed and who aren't good enough. What about thinking that much of beauty and fashion is another way of suppressing women and selling stuff. And that inner peace is found on the inside not on the outside. Some of the most beautiful/polished people I know are so fucked up. As long as you and clean and healthy, who gives a f* about the rest of it.

BlossomCloud · 19/08/2023 12:30

bluejelly · 19/08/2023 12:21

Found this thread slightly heart-breaking. So much self loathing. I think it's worth considering whose 'beauty' standards you are trying to hit and why. So much fashion and cosmetic marketing is designed to make you feel like you are not good enough unless you but this product or outfit. We internalise this and think it is us who have failed and who aren't good enough. What about thinking that much of beauty and fashion is another way of suppressing women and selling stuff. And that inner peace is found on the inside not on the outside. Some of the most beautiful/polished people I know are so fucked up. As long as you and clean and healthy, who gives a f* about the rest of it.

I don't know. I've found this thread helpful..I think I thought some people looked effortlessly immaculate. It's become clear that actually to look "perfect" involves a level of time investment that is just never going to appeal to me. That's not judging people who do enjoy it, it's just not for me. So now I will enjoy just being me and not worry that there's some magic trick I was missing.

wellstopdoingitthen · 19/08/2023 12:38

bluejelly · 19/08/2023 12:21

Found this thread slightly heart-breaking. So much self loathing. I think it's worth considering whose 'beauty' standards you are trying to hit and why. So much fashion and cosmetic marketing is designed to make you feel like you are not good enough unless you but this product or outfit. We internalise this and think it is us who have failed and who aren't good enough. What about thinking that much of beauty and fashion is another way of suppressing women and selling stuff. And that inner peace is found on the inside not on the outside. Some of the most beautiful/polished people I know are so fucked up. As long as you and clean and healthy, who gives a f* about the rest of it.

Whilst there is an element of pushing a product by making people feel they need it, I do think often it makes you feel good on the inside too. I know I feel really good if I am wearing a nice set of underwear, that's only for me as no one else is going to see it in my working day 😁.

Original poster
bollytrolly · 19/08/2023 16:07

@bluejelly There is some of that, mostly a hung up from my teens but it is also just about wanting to be able to look nice. I do think the part of me that would rather of looked like someone else or how my mum wanted me to look is in the past now along with any serious self loathing. In many ways the thread is kind of light hearted too.

However I would like to feel cool, fresh, pretty and well presented even now, that doesn't mean spending a ton of money or living up to beauty standards projected on me from elsewhere at least not now but even at that it is very difficult for some people to pull this off they are too clumsy, too hot and sweaty, to prone to going red or hair going frizzy to ever look that way.

To be honest some to the things mentioned here like a good hand bag ( just don't like handbags at all), capsule wardrobe, having nails done aren't really my style or taste, I am not really into glamour not that it matters what I like because it is all relevant. I don't feel like I am trying to be something I am not but that I cannot even pull off who I am with aplomb because I have dripped tomato soup all down my top and I have a big spot on my nose and so on.

I think some of the women here totally get it because they are the same and others will never really understand.

OP posts:
SapatSea · 19/08/2023 17:41

I'm another one who spills stuff - often without noticing. I keep a spare dress/clothes in the car because of this.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 19/08/2023 20:10

MallardsMoorhensAndLethe · 16/08/2023 01:53

I used to be you but now I'm the put together one. Do you want any advice, apart from it takes time and effort obviously?

My god, you really think a lot of yourself don't you?!

mathanxiety · 19/08/2023 23:05

@AlfietheSchnauzer -
The OP and many other posters here have described themselves. Can others not also describe themselves?

Or offer tips so that those experiencing genuine sadness/ frustration at their self presentation can be helped?

Is it only acceptable for women to put themselves down?

orangeyeahthatsright · 19/08/2023 23:08

My god, you really think a lot of yourself don't you?!

Oh yes, heaven forbid that a woman should dare to have a positive self-image, eh? 🙄

Morestrangerthings1 · 20/08/2023 05:44

I’m really enjoying this thread. I can empathise with the people that struggle to
look put together. That’s me. I’ve read some great suggestions. But it’s also affirming for to read women just like me are struggling with this too.

MrsCarson · 20/08/2023 07:23

mathanxiety · 18/08/2023 16:56

That sounds wonderful, @RojoCarlottaValdez.

I often wonder if women in countries where school uniform is the rule end up feeling at a disadvantage once school is over and the world of work beckons.

I know from observation of my DDs who attended high school in the US (non uniform) that they were very confident about choosing clothes, doing their hair and makeup, etc, for work. By contrast, I hit university with the grand total of two pairs of jeans, two blouses, and three jumpers, and it took a while for me to hit my stride, style wise.

I think this may well be part of the problem for many of us. I went from School uniform to college where I looked homeless, onto Nursing where I lived back in uniform. So non uniform days I always felt a bit lost.
My US friends have girls who are definitely more comfortable in their clothes.

Sammysquiz · 20/08/2023 07:32

HaveYouHeardOfARoadAtlas · 18/08/2023 18:39

So I’ve been to the hairdressers today and it looks glossy and smooth and didn’t have any after product put on it. So it’s either the expensive Kerastase shampoo or the blow dry technique. She used a barrel brush, I might invest in one and try it.

Try the Revlon One-Step. I’ve bought many many things on the advice of MNetters, but this is the one which was actually worth it! Took me a bit of practice, but gets my hair as glossy and smooth as when my hairdresser dries it.

LoverofGreen · 20/08/2023 07:46

Breathedeeper · 18/08/2023 14:11

Here’s a pic of my grandmother 💗

Gorgeous! Reminds me of my own mum back in the day, she also had a tiny waist and oh so stylish

Breathedeeper · 20/08/2023 09:49

Yeah such a glamorous time back then. Wish I had their waistlines and stylishness now!

MoltenLasagne · 20/08/2023 13:27

I'm also naturally scruffy with fine, wavy hair and clothes that don't hang properly. I've realised I have slightly uneven shoulders so the neck of tops always go askew, plus I tend to slouch which doesn't help. I'm working on my posture, and making my own tops which match my lopsidedness and its making a huge difference. Still not got the answer to the hair though.

BlossomCloud · 20/08/2023 13:35

Ahh now my grandmother was never stylish I guess, pretty, but a bluestocking type with her nose in a book..she was most definitely "cuddly" in shape and clearly didn't think much about her clothes...
But she was the most amazing person ever. Fiercely intelligent, a heart of gold, a fabulous sense of humour, she poured all her heart into being a mother and grandmother but she also was a much loved village GP, well read and well travelled, interested in everyone, engaging to talk to and hugely involved in the voluntary sector. I am phenomenally proud of her and glad she prioritised her time the way she did.