Anyone else never told "the secret"?

[bollytrolly]

I've just always been a bit of a mess all my life my appearance no matter how carefully I press my clothes or do my hair or put my make up on by the time I get to where I am going I always look a mess with frizzy hair, clothes all creased and make up sliding off my face. If I have something to go to where I'll be photographed I will end up getting a black eye or a bee will still me on the face. I seem to be so hard on clothes, shoes and socks and everything seems to fall to bits in double quick time even with better brands. People always slag Boris Johnson for looking a mess but I wonder if he is just a male version of me and can't get it right even if he really tries?

I had awful acne as a teen and am still getting spots now at 44 even though I take great care with my skincare, see dermatologists. Other women seem to glide though life, cool calm and collected never a hair out of place, they never seem to sweat or go attend meetings with a large toothpaste stain on their boob that they don't notice until after.

Even with items I remember at school it was always me who got the desk someone had drawn a knob on with black marker or got the ripped books! I remember as a girl I used to think of the other girls as "top girls" you know proper girls who looked nice and did ballet and horse riding lessons and then me who had awful allergies and had snot pouring out my nose half the year!

I just wanted to be a feminine and delicate woman for once in my life but now perimenopause his upon me and all my short comings are just getting worse, chin hair anyone?

Is there some secret women learn as young girls about how to achieve this aura of polish? Is there anyone like me who still has no clue?

I'm like this. No matter how much time or products (and money) I spend on my hair it ends up a frizzy mess. Clothes never sit quite right on me, things slide off my shoulders even if they fit perfectly. I can't even have a handbag with a shoulder strap without it just constantly falling off. Tops always ride up and trousers and underwear slip down. I'm an short-average height but I have short legs and a long torso so dresses rarely sit nicely on me without having them custom-made. Even car seatbelts take a lot of wiggling to make them sit right on me and then they'll move around during the journey anyway. I just feel like I'm always having to adjust something on me. I'm pretty sure I'm in peri-menopause and I've gained a rounder belly than I used to have which just makes things even worse, especially with underwear. I've even had massive granny pants roll down on me.

I have health conditions which mean my body struggles with temperature control and I'm a sweaty mess almost all year round (having to wear warm coats in winter when it's cold just means I sweat inside the coat while the rest of me will be freezing). I'll sweat through any deodorant, even strong ones (and I'm allergic to Mitchum which I found out the hard way) but even if my underarms are ok my face will be red and dripping with sweat. I don't bother with make up most of the time now because it doesn't last.

If any sort of transport is cancelled or late, I should be on it. If a gig or show is cancelled, I have tickets. Basically anything I plan and look forward to always seems to go tits up. I actually stopped doing anything for a while (nothing to do with Covid) but just because I couldn't cope with the constant disappointment anymore.

I start the day glory and together but catch sight of myself later on looking completely harried and worn out. I never remain 'done'.

I feel the same, I was always so envious in school. Today I never feel like, "dainty" enough or feminine enough. Always feel too loud mouthed, too outspoken. My appearance never seemed 'right'.

You are definitely not alone.

Ah My People 😍

@ShinyPikachu I relate to everything you have said especially the body temp control although I reckon I just run very hot all the time and would survive an ice age but yeah peri is making the sweating so much worse!

@mikado1 If I had a penny for every time I stepped out feeling like I'd nailed it only to catch sight of myself looking like a sack of spuds in a shop window or bathroom mirror an hour later I'd be a very rich woman!

@Bink23 Its good to know I am not alone but I really wonder why it is my mother is always immaculate and to this day has a hard time with how I look, my Dad is less careful with his appearance but there is probably less pressure on men to look just right.

I've always assumed some women just spend a lot more time than I do thinking about and doing stuff to take care of their appearance. Whereas I would rather spend the time and money and headspace on other things. I got away with it when I was young and slim but far less so now!

Like there are certain women at work who are always in the toilets touching up their makeup etc , so they clearly take the time. Whereas I wash my hands and dash off to the next task...

@BlossomCloud That is true to an extent and often I don't bother much anymore because it just never works anyway but even when I really, really try I still looked crap. I know some women put so much work into looking groomed but for me even if I do all the things pluck eyebrows, do nails, fix hair, skin treatments, a facial or massage it doesn't make a dent in my general dragged though a hedge backwords vibe!

I've always been like this too, but I put it down to a mix of a feminist upbringing and being obsessed with reading Dostoyevsky as a teen rather than Just 17.

Hmm, Ive found that it is a lot easier to be like that if you're slim. And to live in a dry climate! Your skin is a luck thing I'm afraid.

I wasn't one of those girls at school.

And to be honest, I went through a period of looking immaculate all the time and it was hard work. Picking out what I was wearing, heels, freshly washed hair etc etc.

I've taken it down a notch now WFH😅

Yep, I feel you OP. I took ages at the weekend getting ready for an event - photos of me just look like a sack of spuds with a weird face and frizzy hair. I looked fine in the mirror - so I thought!

I do the basics to keep clean and that is all I care about, no I do not get this need to be 'feminine' there is so much more to life than how I look or confirming to something just because I happen to be female

@coxesorangepippin "I went through a period of looking immaculate all the time" You're not one of us! 😤😁But seriously I think that living in Scotland with a humid climate doesn't help. But I have been slim and not so slim but never really overweight and yet still with the sack of spuds look.

@SmoothSeasDoNotMakeGoodSailors My sympathies, the mirror at home always lies to me too!

I've wondered this for most of my life.
Used to really upset me.
Since being diagnosed as autistic I look at it all very differently!

@WandaWonder I mean yeah I do get that but I wanted to be able to look pretty and feminine at least some times but I could just never pull it off and even non feminine, or even gender non conforming women can still look calm, smart and put together and I can't even do that! Also it is meant to be a kind of light hearted thread I'm a feminist too, I don't want to be a certain way to please men but just for myself but its just always beyond my reach.

It's impossible to look lick a sack of spuds if your slim. Are you sure it's not just your perception of yourself?

@denpark I actually have a dyspraxia diagnosis but not sure it affects me too much or at all I had an educational psychologist assessment when I was doing my masters degree and I get the feeling I didn't quite fit in anywhere but something was off about me so he put me down as that!

@Draconis You must never have seen me then, I assure you it is quite possible, just ask my mother!

I hear you. I generally leave the house in the morning looking like I have managed to pull it all together. Shower/ makeup / hair/ outfit etc.. not amazing but five. Something miraculous must happen between me leaving the house and getting into the lift with the mirror in at work as by the time I look in thAt mirror I look 10 years older, hair a frazzled mess and I look huge.

That said I have put on 2 stone in the last 5 years and can't quite get used to accepting it. I agree about the looking great if you are slim. I know it shouldn't be that way but it's years of conditioning isn't it? And also years of being happy with my weight v now.

Please do tell me the secret!

I wasn’t told the secret. No matter how well I put myself together, within hours my hair is a mess, I’ve rubbed most of my makeup off, and often lost one earring etc.. I have always been this way. Yet my sister, same mum and dad, same upbringing, looks impeccable all day long.

I’ve entered my 60s and now I can barely see my chin hair to pluck it, and waxing just makes my skin red and sore. If I could lose some weight - after treatment for Graves’ Disease my weight has ballooned - and now I have a poppy eye from Graves Eye Disease and I’m looking at having to wear an eye patch - I’m thinking what’s the point? Of anything lol.

Signed totally defeated in Australia.

My mum doesn't know this secret either. Sounds like your mother is at least 80% of the problem, @bollytrolly! Admit it, you're seeing yourself through her eyes aren't you? Yeah, stop that; it's bad for you.

It is possible to maintain a reasonably groomed appearance. I did it for some years; it took a phenomenal amount of time, effort & money. But, here's the thing, I never looked together in photos. I have a face for comedy - too expressive - and a large, messy personality. I've got thick, wavy hair which is generally a good thing but not groomed in the sense of sleek, neat & tidy.

Fine-boned, regular-featured individuals with more of a contained nature tend more towards the sleek & tidy, generally speaking. And of course, they are ordered, controlled people who like things to be predictable. So they will make sure they leave very early for their train, flight or appointment, having double-checked in advance that there are no traffic or safety alerts. They check their hair often, retouch their makeup once an hour or so, and carry an assortment of wipes in case of mishaps.

It isn't wrong to be like that. But it is wrong to look down on those of a more relaxed, spontaneous and haphazard nature.

The easiest thing to do is embrace it! And maybe tell your mother not to be so uptight.

I used to be you but now I'm the put together one. Do you want any advice, apart from it takes time and effort obviously?

Sure thing, I'm all ears

Bink23 · Today 09:29
I feel the same, I was always so envious in school. Today I never feel like, "dainty" enough or feminine enough. Always feel too loud mouthed, too outspoken. My appearance never seemed 'right'.
**
You are definitely not alone.

I could have written that @Bink23

I’ve realised it was a lot to do with the messages I got from my mum. She would shush me because I ‘was being too loud.’ She praised ‘looking feminine’ like it was some god almighty achievement. She’s nearly 90 and she’ll say something like ‘oh that outfit looks more feminine.’ I guess it was the times she grew up in. I had Germaine Greer and the second waves feminist to look to and it helped a bit. If I couldn’t look well groomed and out together. I could just lol a ‘bit wild an untamed.’

The problem for me is as I’ve gotten older and youth and slimness etc is no longer on my side , I tend to be overlooked and dismissed or seen as not quite important by many other people.

Eg I’ve had a number of illnesses I deal with, and I’ve had to deal with a lot of doctors. I’ve learned that on the day of my medical appointment (especially if it’s with a specialist doctor) to make a huge effort to look well groomed and put together. I’ll often have a hair cut, wash and blow dry before the appointment If I feel well enough. One the days I am able to do this, I generally get listened to more closely, my opinions about my own health are not dismissed out of hand. If I turn up looking like I feel , often (though not always) the service I receive is so much better. This is similar with all professional interactions and even when meeting with my adult childrens’s inlaws - that sort of thing.

I’ve wondered if because I look more groomed - if it’s just that I’m more confident; but I don’t think it’s just that. Eg walk into a dress shop looking well groomed, shop assistants will spend the time. Go looking messy but with the same amount of money in my pocket and it’s much more likely the service is going to be less than. Go to the hairdressers looking groomed and make up in and chances are I’ll get a better hair cut. I’m not as easily dismissed.

The world does judge visually - no doubt about that. So it’s not imagination.

‘The service I receive is so much better’ should be ‘so much worse’