Anyone else never told "the secret"?

[bollytrolly]

I've just always been a bit of a mess all my life my appearance no matter how carefully I press my clothes or do my hair or put my make up on by the time I get to where I am going I always look a mess with frizzy hair, clothes all creased and make up sliding off my face. If I have something to go to where I'll be photographed I will end up getting a black eye or a bee will still me on the face. I seem to be so hard on clothes, shoes and socks and everything seems to fall to bits in double quick time even with better brands. People always slag Boris Johnson for looking a mess but I wonder if he is just a male version of me and can't get it right even if he really tries?

I had awful acne as a teen and am still getting spots now at 44 even though I take great care with my skincare, see dermatologists. Other women seem to glide though life, cool calm and collected never a hair out of place, they never seem to sweat or go attend meetings with a large toothpaste stain on their boob that they don't notice until after.

Even with items I remember at school it was always me who got the desk someone had drawn a knob on with black marker or got the ripped books! I remember as a girl I used to think of the other girls as "top girls" you know proper girls who looked nice and did ballet and horse riding lessons and then me who had awful allergies and had snot pouring out my nose half the year!

I just wanted to be a feminine and delicate woman for once in my life but now perimenopause his upon me and all my short comings are just getting worse, chin hair anyone?

Is there some secret women learn as young girls about how to achieve this aura of polish? Is there anyone like me who still has no clue?

Surely if your mother is like this you know why. Serious effort.

They maintain a good weight.
Choose their wardrobe carefully.
Hair, skin and nails are a priority.
They assign time to getting ready to leave the house.
Their appearance is a priority and they aren't shy or embarrassed about that.
Wardrobes are decided the night before.

Time and effort every time.

The more time, the more effortless the look.

Being slimmer definitely helps IMO.

It’s easy to look gorgeous at 15, even if not slim young women’s bodies do not sag in the same way a 50 yo woman who has had kids will. Plus they have all the time in the world to look at tik tok for skin care/make up /hair tutorials etc .

I can look ok but it takes time and effort… and I don’t always bother as it’s lots of each. for skin the vitamin c in the morning, sun screen and retinol at night really helps. the ordinary are a good start although I now save up or get Medik8 products for birthdays and Christmas. Look online at clothes that suit your body shape and make sure you know what colours suit you (I can’t do pastels or grey) . I try clothes on then look online for it as can be cheaper. Get your eyebrows done and nails filed … find this really helps

basically it can be done if you invest the time and money… most of us are too busy with life so it doesn’t happen and that’s ok. because most people aren’t looking at me they’re looking at their phone

I feel like this and I have ADHD and autism. Assumed it was related

I always wondered what it would be like to be a “sophisticated lady” sort of like Princess Diana. The kind of woman who buys expensive make-up & perfume at the airport. One that carries a designer handbag (not LV). Who can rock an Hermes scarf. Has posh hair with super-fine highlights.
I used to think it when I was 25. I was always cute, wore mini skirts, liked sequins. My style icon was Carrie Bradshaw. I mean, I had a look. But I always wondered about the sleek glossy woman look… Are they just born that way? Now I’m a lady myself (47) I’m in no way elegant (or sophisticated).

Trouble is I read the advice upthread, which is truly excellent advice, but just made me depressed as I don’t have the time, money or energy for all that. I work FT, am an unpaid carer outside work, have a disability myself that means I’m in chronic pain/exhausted every day and am on a shoestring budget as only one salary, so ironing everything, trial and error-ing multiple products etc to find one that works just isn’t going to happen. It’s a good day when I have the time and can raise my arms for long enough to wash my hair, quite frankly. I’ll just have to embrace my general unkemptness.

And YY to looking truly hideous in photos / on Teams. I have crooked teeth, a droopy eye and scoliosis…my retirement plan is to build a gingerbread house in the woods.

I could have wrote this word for word

Looking "undone" is actually incredibly fashionable right now. There's been a trend building along the lines of grandad-core which seemed to start with the socks and sliders teen trend.

I don't think you need to try to fix yourself that much. Authenticity is always more valuable to most people.

Remember that you don't see yourself as others see you and, for the majority, people are so wrapped up in themselves and their own insecurities that they'd be hard pressed to recall much about your appearance.

I would rather have a friend like you than a polished fake.

Ffs I'm like this.
Btw does anyone think Boris cuts his own hair sometimes? I saw an interview with him once and I was like wtf, his hair was utterly dreadful.

Can relate to toothpaste on the tit- often while wearing all black.

Hair is unpredictable, I do like it long but it's quite thick and tends to frizz even after blow drying. After a short walk it tends to look like it's never been brushed. The only way to control my hair is plait or ponytail- I'm not good at hair either.
My cheeks go pink and i tend to look all flustered
I look permanently bloated because of gynae issues and I've never lost the weight after my second baby. I was always so slim, now I don't care what I wear. It's sad.

As a teen, early 20s I looked better but I really put so much work in and still never looked beautifully groomed. I'd still spill a bit of coffee on a cream outfit!

I think it's constant looking in the mirror, checking before going out, and then checking again when you arrive taking a brush, nipping to bathroom often.

@thenewaveragebear1983 rosacea and melasma can be improved. Azeleic acid is one thing - have a look at dr sam bunting and dr Anne (German dr). My dark patches and v mild rosacea have got better - though probs only noticeable to me, but I’m the important one! - with azeleic acid and vit c formulations.

I am one of those ‘polished’ people according to others but quite frankly I very often feel the way that you do, and I don’t see myself as that (no matter how much I do). My boss described me as ‘very polished’ and tbh I think that’s more down to presentation than anything else. We are all harsh on ourselves and I often feel like crap or that I look bad, when in reality other people don’t see that.

I think the primary ‘secret’ to being polished is knowing what works for you; if your hair frizzes or won’t hold a certain style, find one that works for you - like a sleek bun or pony tail, or a French braid, whatever it is, that works for you. Keep trying different styles until you find it. You can find plenty of tutorials online right now.

Invest in the right products - Dyson airwrap has been a god send, hair products that accompany make all the difference to your style.

There is no face cream in the world that will change skin texture or make much difference, so regular maintenance like facials or electrotherapy are great ways to keep your skin looking healthy and fresh. If you want a polished look, you need to have a polished base (IMO). This includes things like nails too (neutral glowy colours not hot pinks or greens etc).

Lastly, small things make a big difference to how you come across. Even jewellery - which I think always looks best minimalist - think diamond studs, micropave rings etc.

if you’ve got the rest down, you can wear gym leggings and a t-shirt and still look polished because it’s about how you’ve taken care of your hair/nails/skin etc.

aside from all of this, and most importantly I think being polished means f-all, and it doesn’t make anyone happy. I work in the beauty industry so I do everything to maintain my appearance but most of the time I feel terrible inside - so no amount of polishing makes anyone particularly happy. It’s all really an illusion x

I'm sure it all comes down to aura. You don't notice the flaws when someone projects a sense of confidence and self worth.

That or witchcraft.

I’m a bit like this, and I found having my hair cut very short helped massively.

Keeps me cool, saves me time in the morning so I’m not always running late, stays tidy all day.

I understand this. I don't do too badly but look at some people and wonder how??

I don't want to be the person who minimises other people here but...my guilty secret is I watch influencers on YouTube. I was watching one beautiful lady yesterday and she was talking about what she puts in her hand luggage for a flight. And honestly it was a lot. Make up, hairbrush, special thing to stick down her small fly away hair...after a long time watching these people you really do get an insight into how much effort it takes - even though a large part of their job is to make it seem effortless. So yes I also think other "normal" ladies who pull it off have to work hard at it. It comes down to what's important to you.

I sometimes get the urge to try and make sure I reapply make up etc and it definitely works. I look "better" consistently. But then I get a bit bored and some part of me kicks in and thinks ugh I can't be arsed and people will just have to love me as I am.

Yes all tops look shite on me.
Tight across the tits and hips
Baggy on the waist
and the worst
Baggy across the shoulders so it drags down mid chest and falls forward or hangs off one side and not in an insouciant louche sexy style but rather a bag of spanners style.

Lovely

This is my experience too, but I think honestly it's probably down to practice and experience.

Since I only wear makeup about once or twice a year (or currently it's about once or twice in the last 5/6 years!) I'm not very good at it, I don't really know what suits me or the techniques I should do to get it to look nice, and when I do follow a technique, I don't have the muscle memory, I'm a beginner. I once did the thing where you go to Boots and ask them to make you up and then just buy whatever they use, which was more successful than my previous attempts at just winging it! (I would do this again in the future BTW if I wanted a change). Whereas I'm sure someone who has done it every day/most days, maybe twice a day (daytime/evening) plus extra practice/play sessions where they experiment is much better at doing their makeup and has a good sense of what techniques work best, what colours suit them, what goes with which outfit, what will survive different activities etc.

Someone who has done their own make up literally thousands of times is obviously going to be better than me who has done it less than 50 times in my life.

Repeat this for doing hair nicely etc.

I do sometimes look at people who are out and about with absolutely everything immacculate, not a single hair out of place, their clothes look like they are on a display dummy in a shop, so perfectly placed with not a wrinkle, and my mind completely boggles, especially when they are on a tram or something. I mean how?? I manage to get sweaty and dishevelled and my hair falls out (of style) and my clothes get rumpled just from normal life stuff like walking between different forms of transport, carrying things, I spill food on myself when I eat, I walk into walls/furniture/etc.

I do think some of this is life stage as I'm invariably running on not enough sleep, not enough time, dragging reluctant preschoolers around, hauling a massive buggy, no car, my clothes are Primark/H&M, my hair gets cut when it gets too annoying. It is probably easier to look put together if you have a very calm life with little stress, you can use your car to go everywhere (although even in a car I find that clothing gets creased from the sitting position and seatbelt? Maybe expensive clothes are magically less creasing?) and you have regular appointments with hair/beauty etc to make you look lovely.

I am not a put together woman, but I also don't want to spend a lot of time on it. My tips are: make your own clothes, use that powder to colour in your eyebrows, invest in a nice haircut that suits your face.

I don't think there are many women who look great effortlessly.

I work with someone who I think is the most glamorous person I have ever met. She literally glows. She has her hair dyed, extensions, has a bouncy blow dry every day. She wears more makeup than I have ever seen on anyone. She wears fashionable clothes and lots of accessories. Nails, eyelashes, botox and fillers too.

She looks great, but I did see her without it all once and the difference was massive. She just looked like everyone else. To look like that is a full time job, spending a lot of money.

subtle implication there that women who apply make up don’t do as much work as you…

I’m the opposite, often perceived as feminine and delicate but I’m not really either. I don’t want to be seen as submissive and docile.

I think it’s partly because I’m short/small frame and partly because I’m introverted and not very animated. My hair is naturally straight so it looks fine being air dried and I’m shit at make up so rarely wear it. If I make an effort with hair and makeup I end up looking more of a mess.

I don’t think there’s any secret, it’s just a combination of how you look, act and other’s perceptions.

I think upbringing is part of it "hurry up, it's not a bloody fashion parade" "they're stupid to waste money on that" "who do I love, I love me" "you're like a budgie in that mirror". I have to make a mental effort to look "done" if I'm leaving the house, this doesn't mean a full face of makeup but does mean neat, tidy with a fresh face, I slip back so easily into scruffdom. The impression of effortless glamour takes effort, time, thought, curation of products. I can do it but it doesn't come naturally at all, yet people assume it does for me.

I am naturally sweaty, shiny skinned with crap flat fine greasy yet somehow frizzy hair. I can't do routines so I have products where I can't miss them. Hairmist by the hall mirror so it's the last thing I use before I go out. Handcream, cuticle oil, lip balm and a day moisturiser by my WFH desk, I see it, I use it. Foot cream on the second shelf of the coffee table, I stick some on when I'm watching tv. I'm not disciplined or mentally ordered enough to have elaborate routines, I have to sort of prompt my messy brain. If all my products were neatly put away in a dressing table then I'd forget they exist. Because I can't have everything out I have three hours on a Sunday where I do top to toe with the put away products, face masks, deep conditioner etc.

It's a great tip about the Tesco bag, I'm guilty of piling stuff into canvas totes. This firstly shifts my posture to drag it down and sideways and secondly ruins any outfit

Finally if you think it might need ironing then it almost certainly does.

My issues start from the ground up. I have flat feet and bunions, so my gait is really odd and more noticeable as I age. The foot issue also causes me knee and hip pain. I have orthotics but they don't 100% solve the problems.

I'm allergic to various types of shoe materials so struggle to find shoes that are supportive and won't cause a rash. Especially in summer.

My abdominal muscles separated during my pregnancies and no amount of exercises or pilates has fixed it. Therefore I sort of crumple in the middle which has added to the weird gait. Sigh.

I have massive boobs. I look like a drunk pigeon when I walk.

I am suddenly very wrinkled and can apparently sprout an almost full beard when I'm not looking.

My hair is stupidly straight and fine. No amount of volumising products or careful styling helps.

I'm introverted and can randomly go bright red if someone speaks to me. I have very little self-confidence.

I don't have many friends and don't understand how to maintain friendships like other people do. I feel like it's too much hard work and who's going to like me anyway? 🤷🏻

I try very hard to be 'together' and at times I achieve it. I can present a good, confident front. I love clothes and can dress well. I am complimented on my appearance.

But more often than not, I'm baffled by the intricacies involved in being an accepted, liked person. I'm not ever going to be a person others want to spend their time with. I have nothing to offer.

Aw op, I feel for you. I was definitely that girl in school, I was half a foot taller than all the other girls until year 11, broader too. I have big thick frizzy curly hair (which in the 2000s was the opposite of what everyone wanted), I too felt my voice wasn’t feminine or dainty enough, I didn’t move delicately like the others, I always wore clothes I thought looked nice but then I’d meet up with others and I’d just a dishevelled mess.

However, I’m much more comfortable in my own skin now (it helps that big volumous curls and freckle are in, and there’s lots of mid/plus size insta/fashion models out there so I see a lot more people I can relate to on social media etc).

but I’ve also settled into a sort of capsule wardrobe of about 20 items of clothing that are well made, fit me nicely, compliment my shape and go with pretty much everything else I own. Very few items crease easily or need ironing (I hate ironing). And I’ve had a Brazilian blow dry which helps my frizz.

No offence to any perfect girls on here but I just find the idea of perfection that OP describes so fucking boring.

When I was a kid I noticed that there were a few girls who didn’t have a hair out of place because they didn’t do anything and sat around being goody two shoes while the rest of us were tearing around playing kiss chase and getting into scrapes. They didn’t have food stains on their clothes because they were taking ladylike bites while the rest of us were stuffing our faces.

Now as a Senior I am a lot smarter but I still want to live a life that is incompatible with perfect grooming.

There is no secret.

If there is a technique it's hardly a secret.

It comes down to being organised ( washing clothes, ironing, getting them ready the night before....)

Reading up on skincare, trying out make up if that's what you want, finding a good hairdresser, getting a cut you can manage, taking care of your teeth.

Knowing what suits your shape, colours that flatter etc.

Some people have an instinct for this, others take advice like a personal shopper, or getting colour analysed.

It just takes time, interest and effort, like being good at anything.

BTW You're posting in the middle of the night here in the UK- are you in the UK?

Isn’t this most of us? I don’t think this is uncommon.