Anyone else never told "the secret"?

[bollytrolly]

I've just always been a bit of a mess all my life my appearance no matter how carefully I press my clothes or do my hair or put my make up on by the time I get to where I am going I always look a mess with frizzy hair, clothes all creased and make up sliding off my face. If I have something to go to where I'll be photographed I will end up getting a black eye or a bee will still me on the face. I seem to be so hard on clothes, shoes and socks and everything seems to fall to bits in double quick time even with better brands. People always slag Boris Johnson for looking a mess but I wonder if he is just a male version of me and can't get it right even if he really tries?

I had awful acne as a teen and am still getting spots now at 44 even though I take great care with my skincare, see dermatologists. Other women seem to glide though life, cool calm and collected never a hair out of place, they never seem to sweat or go attend meetings with a large toothpaste stain on their boob that they don't notice until after.

Even with items I remember at school it was always me who got the desk someone had drawn a knob on with black marker or got the ripped books! I remember as a girl I used to think of the other girls as "top girls" you know proper girls who looked nice and did ballet and horse riding lessons and then me who had awful allergies and had snot pouring out my nose half the year!

I just wanted to be a feminine and delicate woman for once in my life but now perimenopause his upon me and all my short comings are just getting worse, chin hair anyone?

Is there some secret women learn as young girls about how to achieve this aura of polish? Is there anyone like me who still has no clue?

This has always been a big mystery to me too. I could leave the house looking fine but by the time I got to my destination, even if it was only a short distance, my make up is a mess, my hair’s a mess etc.

I remember an episode of Friends that really hit home to me (and made me cringe with embarrassment) when Chandler was talking about Janice and about how her eye make was always going into the corners of her eyes and what a turn off it was. This used to happen to me a lot even though I didn’t even wear a lot of eye make up but it always slid into the corner of my eyes. 😞

No matter how much care I took I just never looked groomed or slick.

I never did find out the secret so now I just go for a more relaxed boho vibe.

I am like this too but, this might just be me, I don't see how I can look "polished" when I live in Wales and it's pissing it down most of the time, plus I don't drive! This means I have to have suitable footwear, some kind of coat/jacket and I feel the cold terribly so I need layers which make me look bulky. The wind and rain mean I have to have my hair up the majority of the time and I get flyaway hairs flopping about and standing on end in a frizzy mess once I've been outside for ten minutes, I could go mad on hairspray to tame them but then it effects my scalp and I get bad dandruff 😆On the plus side I guess the beard I has started to grow lately is providing some extra warmth 😩

Is there some secret women learn as young girls about how to achieve this aura of polish? Is there anyone like me who still has no clue?

It isn't a secret, it is just being organised and putting in the effort.
My hair is never frizzy or messy, my clothes aren't creased, my makeup is neat etc.
If I haven't styled my hair in the evening, or ironed something, then I set my alarm based on what I need to do the next morning.
I can't say I've ever gone to a meeting with toothpaste all over my top, before I leave for work and before I join a meeting I check I have everything I need, I have a wee, I do a quick check of my hair etc. I don't just bumble on and assume things will work out.

How do you look after yourself outside of superficially, @bollytrolly ? Do you have a decent diet, get enough exercise, sleep well, limit alcohol?

my mother ... to this day has a hard time with how I look
Is this why you're so focused on your appearance and so convinced you look terrible, and that mythical "other people" never have their makeup come off or discover a stain on their clothing?
Your mum might be "immaculate" but it sounds like all her effort went into her appearance and none into thoughtful parenting.

It's really sad how so many women are putting themselves down here.

You really don't need to spend a fortune to look 'together'.

I'd say the most important things are hair, weight, skin and teeth.

And if you are hopeless with make up, go to a store counter for a make over. Even just the right foundation, blusher, and lipstick can make a huge difference and you don't have to buy the products there and then. See what works then buy cheaply to experiment.

Skincare doesn't have to be expensive. I'm using cleanser that costs £2.50 from a supermarket own range and it's great.

I wear full make up every day but it takes me 15 minutes - foundation, concealer, blusher, eye liner, mascara, one single eye shadow, lipstick.

Maybe the most important thing to think about is do you just want to offload, or do something about it?

@Hufflepods what hair type are you and how do you stay frizz free? I need all the help I can get! Is it a serum, conditioner etc that you use to help with getting rid of frizz or is your hair not prone to frizz anyway?

Does anyone know if Olaplex would help with frizz? I don't mind spending money on something that would actually work but I've wasted so much on false promises and so called miracle products in the past.

Im 54 and I'm neither a put-together person nor a scruff! But I did have an above average body temp for about ten years which meant I got red and sweaty and frizzy-haired very quickly. It wasn't hot flushes, it was constantly feeling hot. I avoided going out in summer, or going to things that required formal clothes.

My gynae consultant friend encouraged me to ask for HRT at my doctors. (She thinks most woman over 45 should be on it just for the protection it gives against osteoporosis and muscle weakness)

Anyway I have used oestrogen gel and progesterone capsules for a year and can honestly say it's been life-changing! I'm no longer hot, so I can wear normal weather-appropriate clothes! I don't go so red and frizzy, my skin is soft and smooth, my body hair seems reduced, spots have stopped, my brain seems more controlled and less erratic, and my libido is through the roof, I started dating and found a younger man and the sex is incredible (sorry TMI).

All of which make me feel more confident, which makes me look happy, and therefore more attractive and 'with it'. I honestly have done nothing else.

It's not the answer for everyone but please consider it! I really thought I was having a seamless perimenopause but because the symptoms come on so slowly I thought they were normal life. I am now the happiest I have felt and looked in 15 years and it's totally due to oestrogen.

There's no value judgement, my brain just never stops to think about my appearance. I'm not saying thats good or bad, it's just the way I am wired.

@willWillSmithsmith I don't understand your post about leaving the house etc and it all falling apart.

If you hair looked a mess so soon, what was going wrong? A style that was high maintenance? Too long to hold its shape? No hair brush in your bag?

Make up that looked a mess? No powder applied over foundation? No lipstick to touch it up?

You see, all these things are fiaxable.

If I'm going out for a day, I apply powder over my foundation (very light, very fine powder) but won't bother on other days.

I get my hair cut before it starts to look too 'tatty'.

It all takes effort but once you get the hang of it, it becomes second nature.

I agree with @wheresmyshoe.
I'm not disciplined enough to be in a routine (weirdly I can on work days but if it's not a work morning then I don't bother)
But if I can do things whilst doing something else, then that works better.

If I need to colour my hair (box dye at home) Ill put it in then give the bathroom a good clean while it's working.

Face mask occasionally if im watching tv (they're in the cabinet in the downstairs loo along with my moisturiser)

A razor in the shower caddy so I'm prompted to do my legs and armpits.

Three things. Weight, decent bag, decent shoes.

All of you with frizzy unkempt hair - have you tried running a dab of conditioner through your washed hair and leaving it?

I'm like this and always have been. I always talk about 'proper girls' and 'real girls' vs me (NOT within the hearing of my female children, mind you - they will be raised to know that what makes you a girl/woman is nothing to do with what you wear, what your hair and skin is like etc).

I do know the secret now though; I learned it after having children, and getting closer to 40.

The secret is not to give a flying fuck.

It doesn't matter. How you look doesn't matter. What other people think about how you look doesn't matter. Fuck it. Fuck it all.

We are here for so brief a time. I wasted most of my teens and twenties obsessed with how I looked, how it wasn't good enough. I have never objectively looked 'worse' than I do now at 38 with two small kids - fatter, plainer, wrinklier, you name it. The only difference is I now refuse to give even a tiny little shit. I am here, I am alive, I am in this body and no other - take it or leave it. It is SO liberating and I highly recommend it.

I've tried leave in conditioners but all that happens is the bits of frizz then tend to stick out in clumps rather than wisps 😭

Inspired by this thread I just decided to paint my toenails (I have a morning off work without any DC here so thought I’d treat myself!). Of course it’s gone everywhere, I’ve managed to smudge it and somehow the colour is just bringing out all the imperfections on my pasty dry skin 🙃 this is why I don’t bother!

We're very lucky (in some ways) to live in the era of youtube/tiktok.

For those genuinely feeling like they don't know where to start in putting together a smart outfit, or doing hair and makeup on a way that will look neat all day, there's thousands of hours of content out there for you to absorb.

I disagree that it takes time and money. My daily minimum would be:

• spotlessly clothes and shoes
• smooth hair (that's really the only thing which requires time and product twice a week)
• all visible skin well moisturised - paying attention to cuticles and feet!
• rogue face hairs off

And that's enough for me to get by not feeling awful about myself. Anything more is a bonus.

*spotlessly clean

@Morestrangerthings1 interesting you mention the Dr thing. I've also found that if I wear more make up and look more feminine and put together I get taken more seriously and end up with better treatment than if I go in my more natural state that reflects how I feel inside (health wise) far more accurately.

This even applies for appointments for my children's health. If we're all a bit dishevelled it's generally poor and dismissive treatment. If they're well turned out and I'm not it's a bit better. If I'm well turned out but they aren't it's better still, weirdly. If we're all looking maximally socially acceptable then matters will be taken very seriously and resolved more quickly. Better still if my husband is also present...

It's a very depressing insight into the state of things. Unconscious biases and patriarchy walking hand in hand.

I'm a total mess as well. I severely overheat, am an apple shape and always between sizes so clothing is either too big or too small, I'm 5'3" and have hypermobility so can only walk in trainers with orthotics, can't afford nice clothing and am allergic to makeup and can only get away with a small amount of foundation powder to make me look a bit more human.

I'm retired, so don't have to follow any dress codes though. I spend my life trying to cool down whilst wishing I could afford cotton clothing.

I used to be that polished girl. Not any more.
The difference is it was hard work. I constantly was in the toilets doing my hair, wiping off stains and putting make up on!
Now I have stopped I am this bedraggled mess. I still ale an effort but no longer look groomed constantly!

@ElEmEnOhPee did you use too much? You just need a tiny bit of normal conditioner (I use Faith in Nature from Holland and Barrett), rub it over your hands and smooth it through wet hair, then brush it through. Then dry your hair as normal.

This is me. I don’t wear make up unless I have to, mostly because I can’t be bothered but also because I just can’t put it on right. I spent my teenage years teaching myself bass guitar and reading books so never went through that phase of experimenting with make up and figuring it out. Now when I have to go out and do my own make up I look for tutorials online and it’s a 25 step, 2 hour ‘no make up look’ with contouring and blending, i have no idea what these words mean in the context of make up.

My hair too, I always have a mass of frizz at the top. I can’t blow dry my hair properly, I’m left handed and I want to do everything with my left hand, I can’t coordinate the brushing and drying together. So I just blast my hair dry and run the straightener through it but that leaves the frizz explosion! My hair is thick, so even straightened it sits nice for an hour but then just starts getting bigger and bigger and if I tie it up it just looks worse because then all you can see is the frizz.

I feel like a Dyson airwrap might help the hair situation, my hairdresser assures me there’s an attachment for the frizz which does actually work, but at almost £500 I just can’t afford it.

I went to a professional conference recently. I bought myself a new suit and put on some make up but had to get the bus there in the pouring rain. By the time I found my stop and walked for ages to get to where I was going it was all ruined and I rocked up looking like a drowned dog. Took myself off to the toilets to clean myself up a bit and used a tissue to dab away some sweat & rain. When I went to the toilet again in the first break I had a big bit of tissue stuck to head, right at my hairline. The only good thing was I didn’t know anyone there and don’t feel comfortable approaching big groups of people so i hid in a corner while the morning coffee and chit chat was section was going on, so I tell myself maybe no one saw it. But they saw.

Not me, I’ve been saying for a few years now I’m like a female Boris Johnson. No matter how hard I try I just never manage to look groomed. I’m 50 now so I can’t see it happening

@Seddon I do watch the Youtube videos and they've helped with my wardrobe massively (although still not quite the polished look I want it is getting there kind of) but when it comes to the other stuff it seems overwhelming.
Should I be using this brand or that brand, do I need retinol or hyaluronic acid (both?), how often am I meant to exfoliate (different videos say different things), even eyebrows confuse me with threading/plucking/laminating/tinting/henna and microblading ... I suspect I'm ND so the huge array of options to me just result in analysis paralysis, the more I watch the more confused I get as to what I should be doing.