Things your parents didn't believe in

[Aspergallus]

Inspired by the Timotei thread where someone mentioned that their mum didn't believe in hair conditioner, I realised there is actually quite a long list of things my parents didn't believe in that still leave me, at nearly 50 with DC of my own, feeling like I'm being ridiculously extra for doing every day things:

Hair conditioner as above -deemed totally unnecessary, not a real thing, and drain blocking by my parents. I had long, dry curly hair...

Vitamins -I bought my own as a teen as I thought it might help with acne. They behaved like I was shooting up H.

Make up. My mum believed that all make up (but particularly foundation) was the cause of all skin aging and would tell me (when I was wearing it to hide teenage acne) that once I was 40 I would look older than her as a result.

Tampons. Apparently if you used tampons, you'd have to go for a D&C every year or so due to "build up".

Deodorant. Not necessary if you washed apparently. They considered it something dirty people used in lieu of washing.

Sunglasses, especially when driving. Could make you go blind. Like the reading in the dark old wives tale. As a result my mum spend many a summer gardening with no eye protection and got early cataracts. Yet she still looks at me suspiciously, like I might crash, if I put them on to drive on a sunny day.

Contact lenses -seriously dangerous in their view.

Sun block -they were of that generation that used baby oil and encouraged me to do the same because I was so pale and unhealthy.

Changing job -you got one job and stuck with it or your CV would be ruined forever. And they took this literally, expecting me to stick with chambermaiding as a 17 year old. When I was in a professional role and given rotating training -shifting every 6 months, they were horrified. I'd never work again etc.

Hobbies including sport. They simply did not believe in hobbies or interests unless you were going to make it your whole life's devotion, career or it was going to take you to the Olympics. The idea that you might try something out, and not stick with it was outrageous.

I think my parents might have been particularly odd. There are other examples I can't bring myself to say out loud.

Please tell me other people have similar tales of things their parents didn't believe in...

I’d guess you’re wearing the right size then.

Getting the correct sizing and correct fit has been done to death on MN, and yet you can still see people every day bulging out in strange places

Heavy periods - horrified when I said I needed "super" tampax.

Personal towels - rather than a towel that gets used by everyone then washed at some point

Washing with anything other than imperial leather.

Supporting interests ir hobbies that I actually liked/was good at (as opposed to enforcing ones I didnt/wasnt)

My mother never believed a word I said. If I said it was a sunny day, she'd check. She interfered with my course work for a CSE examination because she didn't believe that I had to have a portfolio of my work so binned it. I happened to find it in the bin covered with old tea bags and household detritus and when I asked her why it was in the bin she said "you don't need that, you did that work last year and you should know it by now". She refused to believe me when I said that the exam was a certain percentage for my coursework produced and the rest the written exam. "Don't be ridiculous, I sat the School Certificate and you don't need coursework to pass"

I ended up having to hide my own work so she couldn't get her hands on it!

Another one with a mother who wouldn't let us watch ITV...too common. Channel 4 when it started was the beginning of the end of civilisation...

12 sanitary towels to last a period. Tried to get me to use those hideous Dr White sanitary belts...this was in 1982. No fucking way, one of the rare times I stood up for myself. Bodyform had just come out, they were pretty crap but still better than a bloody sanitary belt...

No career aspirations or expectations for girls. Only boys needed this - same again! After choosing what O levels I should do, my parents took zero interest in my schooling. Didn't even really care when I failed most of them the first time around (myself and my brothers had missed a good 2 years of schooling due to my stupid parents dragging us around the world). My mother honestly thought I was going to follow in her footsteps, get married young and have 3 children in 4 years. The fact that I'd been telling her since I was 9 I didn't what children at all didn't stop her. She still can't get her head around the fact that none of her 3 children have given her grandchildren...

Yes Dr Whites sanitary towels worn with a belt. We had to wrap them in newspaper and leave them in our wardrobe, then my dm would collect them and burn them in the morning when no men were around 😒

Ooh, I'd forgotten about not being allowed to watch ITV! My parents were similar, although selected ITV programmes were allowed. We were not allowed to watch Coronation Street though, or indeed any other soaps in my Dad was in. Mum let us watch Neighbours as that finished before my Dad got in from work. (And was on tge BBC so couldn't be as bad.)
I remember my sister and I watching Coronation Street in our teens if my parents were out though, but being poised to switch over to BBC2 if we heard a key in the lock. We once made the mistake of just switching off but the tv kind of glowed and crackled slightly with static when it had just been switched off so we gave ourselves away!

"When I was young they were considered fine, but not for very young teens "

That's because they could rupture your hymen 🤦🏽‍♀️

Just wondering nowadays, if you have very young daughters (or sons for that matter, but question mainly aimed at women with girls) are you upfront about periods when your girls are very young, for instance if you have cramps or are buying/storing sanitary products, do you tell them why and what they are for? When we were children, menstruation was not mentioned as a fact of life until I was about eleven, and it came as a great surprise to me when I learned about it! (Good job prior to it happening to me though.) I was a very inquisitive little girl and used to wonder what the hell my mother was burning on the fire early in the morning, or why she sometimes had 'sore stomachs' and hot water bottles. A friend of mine says she was very matter of fact with her daughter from about the age of 4, or 5 saying that 'all older girls and women have a little bit of bleeding every month, nothing to worry about'. I was taken aback by this, but maybe it is better to be forewarned? I have had sons so the issue didn't arise for me, or maybe I should have mentioned it, regardless.

@ohsuzannah that sounds about it. I remember when there were incinerators in bathrooms for this purpose. People were really scared of menstruation weren't they!

@AInightingale Personally I take the approach of answering their questions rather than giving them unprompted information. As long as you stick to their questions and avoid giving excessive detail beyond their age/capacity to understand, that seems fine to me. If you give brief answers and wait for more questions, you find they are satisfied and the questions dry up when they've had enough for their current stage of development. So for my 5 year old, yes that might be "women have a small amount of bleeding every month, it's normal and doesn't mean you are ill or have been hurt". For my 12 year old I might explain how it fits into reproduction. I have sons and a daughter -same approach with both. Periods are everyone's business.

That was the thing about my mother when I was a teenager that pissed me off the most (still does tbh, and I'm 55 now)....the fact that as the only girl and with two brothers I had to pretend that periods didn't exist.

No bin in the bathroom, and I wasn't 'allowed' to dispose of them in any other bin in the house...they had to be flushed. Didn't matter how often I said you weren't supposed to flush them, I HAD to flush them...not allowed to keep any sanitary products in the bathroom either, and they had to be hidden out of sight in my bedroom as well, in case my father or brothers went into it...

Tampons were beyond the pale, if I used them I would no longer be a virgin. The fact that that particular ship had already sailed before I started my periods at 14 used to make me grimly chuckle to myself (groomed by a friend of my father's when I was 12). As soon as I had money of my own (no pocket money) one of the first things I bought was a box of tampons...I was nearly 18. I remember saying to my then boyfriend 'It's like I'm not having my period!' more than once...couldn't believe how much more comfortable the experience was!

Of course my mother thought I was terrible and was still frowning at the fact I had tampons openly in view in my bathroom when I was in my 40s...

@AInightingale I've had the chat with my kids around 8 maybe? Only the other day a friend told me I should make a little box of supplies and leave in my 10yr olds room to make it easier for her. It seemed young but my pal started at 9, poor thing. All the stuff about periods on this thread shocked me I have to admit. Sanitary supplies were always plentiful in my house thank God. No tampons allowed though.

@FreeRider

…groomed by a friend of my father's when I was 12…

So, another thing your parents didn’t believe in eh?

I know someone who grew up in the 1940s/50s in a poor rural family, and had to do this. She had to share a bedroom with three brothers who didn’t always know when to mind their own business.

i'm so sorry that you were the victim of this man @FreeRider . All the while living in a house where MENSTRUATION was taboo? Makes my blood boil to think of how women and girls were treated.

I have a daughter and a son and I've never been particularly secretive about any of it. Both of them know what periods are, and if I'm tired or sore because of it, I'll say that's why. I don't either hide or display the products. My daughter and I have discussed different protection options. She did try to avoid the conversation (which was reasonably private!) until the last year or so when I felt she really needed more info as she may get it early (I did, and she's tall etc).

I feel it's just as important for my son to know the score, and neither to sugarcoat nor catastrophise for daughter. Unfortunately heavy and painful periods run in the family. My mum was quite good at informing me but still left me with some misconceptions - I had no idea it lasted more than a day, for instance, and when some older girls told me it lasted a week I thought they were winding me up!

I'm sorry you went through that - it's monstrous.

My kiddos are autistic so toilet times always been a team sport
I've explained what's happening from a young age and as I use reusable pads I let my daughter choose her own patterns when she was 9 as that's when I started mine
She has about 60 pads in various sizes now along with various other things as unfortunately she inherited my families hormone induced migraines

Like your experience my parents never spoke about periods and in the 80's we learnt in year 6 about periods from a representative from always and we were given a little goodie bag of products..... Too late for me, I thought I was dying when mine started early

Another was that you were not allowed to eat any food before you went to mass on a Sunday.

I remember that! I was told that it was a rule in the Catholic Church that as a mark of respect for the sacrament you fasted for a certain amount of time before Communion. I think the rule (it wasn’t a mortal sin or anything, just a rule) changed a few times in my lifetime and by the time I was in my late teens it was an hour before Communion, which in practice meant breakfast before church on Sunday was fine. 🤷‍♀️

It still staggers me looking back, how many pettifogging rules there were if you were brought up Catholic.

Why weren't girls told?! I think about the very sad Chad Varah story of how he started the Samaritans because a young girl hadn't a clue about menstruation and committed suicide because she thought she had an STI and would bring shame on her family.

My mum started hers without having a clue and apparently screamed the house down when she started bleeding using the bathroom one day. That would have been the late 1940s. The culture of shame, taboo and silence was appalling, apparently the BBC was deluged with complaints because an edition of Woman's Hour at that time had someone use the words 'womb' and 'hysterectomy.' 🙄

@swimlyn Oh I've never told them...I wouldn't have been believed. It was a somewhat unique situation where we were living abroad as expats, living on the same compound so naturally everyone lived in each others pockets. Due to boredom my parents were drinking themselves silly at the time, they noticed nothing we got up to (like the fact myself and my two brothers were also helping ourselves to the booze whenever we felt like it).

Later on my younger brother fell and hit his head hard at school...he was about 14 at the time. This was in the mid 80s. School didn't even bother ringing my mother, just asked him if he felt he needed to go to hospital. He said no because he knew my mother would throw a fit if she had spend hours waiting in A&E. Didn't find out until a decade later he'd been going around with a fractured skull...the bone regrew over the fracture too much and he now has a huge bone lump on his forehead.

My parents were narcissists who should never have had children in the first place (my father didn't actually want children anyway, but my mother is Catholic, so...)

@AInightingale 41 years later my mother still acts like it's taboo. Following a request from my GP, I had to basically BEG my mother to tell me how old she was when she entered the menopause (I've had cervical cancer twice so can't take HRT so GP wanted to know if a long menopause ran in the family)

Oh @FreeRider I am SO sorry to hear the detail of your story. Words fail me that you and your brother were abandoned like that. I had an alcoholic dad and RC mother. Both of them were bickering and arguing a lot, and they were physically violent with us kids. I thought that was terrible, but nothing compared to your story.

For you. No wine bottle…

I'm just curious, for the posters whose parents were so tight during your childhood, has this paid off during their retirement? Did being tight back then help them have a nice retirement?

Boy, who knew this was going to be such a popular thread..it looks like a part 2 might be in order @Aspergallus

Loving the new edit feature !

My ex's parents were right tightwads and still are. They managed to save quite a bit by squirrelling away, saved a couple of redundancy payments, and some of that cash was earned by him working while claiming benefits for a few years (fewer checks then, and interest rates were sky high).

They gave their adult son and daughter quite a bit as they got older, plus having lots of holidays. I think my ex got about £70,000 in dribs and drabs. They have continued to do this as the father has dementia, early stages, and they don't want to pay any more for care fees than they have to.

Unfortunately my ex and his sister are the two most irresponsible spendthrifts that ever lived (reactively maybe?) and have little to show for it. I think there's a lot to be said for steering a middle course (and not flinging dosh at adult dc). My parents were not well off but not tight either, and they encouraged me to save and avoid debt, and they gave me nowt as an adult!

My parents have a lot of money. And they give huge chunks of it to us - multiple five figure sums. And they still live incredibly frugal lives.

And it's maddening, because we know that they had the spare cash when we were teens.

5k between two of us spread out between the ages on 13-18 would have made our teen lives so much nicer.