Worried about my mother's neighbour and her obsession.

[missmartha]

My mother died recently , but 20 yers prior to this she met a younger woman from the town she lived in at her art class and despite a 20 year age gap they hit it off.

This woman was so friendly she had a key to my mother's house and to be honest, was a help in my mother's final days but obsessively so.

Mother was 98 when she was admitted to hospital and the friend was with her, she visited twice daily and when she wasn't visiting she spent all day at my mother's house.
I do not live locally so could not visit daily but mother had other friends and neighbours but this one did not stop to the extent that she put people off visiting and the hospital staff thought she was my mother's daughter. She was there constantly, even attending ward meetings about my mother's future.

I am unclear what she did at my mother's house. I did ask and was told that she did the washing, took in the mail and 'aired' the house.
I'm pretty sure she moved in if I'm honest.
She lost weight , she wouldn't' eat. She refused days out with friends , gave up her hobbies and delayed her holiday.
When my mother returned home she slept in the house. Mother's other friends were afraid to visit.

My mother died recently and although I have visited, I have rarely seen the friend as she keeps out of my way. I have no idea why, we have a telephone relationship, but a good one I think.
Anyway on seeing the friend I was frankly shocked. She had obviously lost several stones in weight , looked much older and was restless, pacing and shaky.
I believe her to still be living at my mother's house though she can't do that much longer and has a very nice house of her own anyway.

All this has worried me and I am concerned about this woman. What , if anything can I do to help her, I fear she may be ill.

As you've been left the contents of your Mother's house, I think it is reasonable for you to protect the contents by changing the locks, especially as you will be able to give the solicitor one of the new keys.

As things stand, someone with no family link to your Mother is freely using her house and property. For all you know, she could be selling items from the house, arranging for auctioneers to visit etc.

She certainly was not slow to be involved in decisions about your Mother's care in the hospital, so it wouldn't be surprising if she had the same entitled attitude to your Mother's property.
What reason did she give you for her refusal return the key?

I know this will be an extremely painful and emotional time for you @missmartha , and how sad that it is being made even more difficult for you by this woman's involvement.

As other PP have said, you really need to change the locks. You cannot continue to let a non-family member have access to your late mother's house. She might be up to something, she may not. She is obviously grieving, which we all do in different ways. You've tried to talk to her and she shuts you down so with the greatest amount of respect to her, you need to let her get on with it. You are not responsible for her!!

You are grieving too, and you need to focus on that, in addition to sorting out the house. Speak with the solicitor when he's back in the office and explain the situation, he may have dealt with this before and can offer legal advice on the matter.

Hugs OP x

Does this woman understand that you have a close link with the deceased? It seems like she's acting like she's the only person who is grieving.

I'm not sure I can legally change the locks as my mother left the house in trust for various charities.

You can. Purchase new Yale lock from the hardware store (about £5) and bring a couple of screwdrivers. Unscrew 2-4 screws. Remove old lock (very easy) and insert new one (also very easy). Do up a few screws. Keep one key for yourself because you need to clear the house. Hand other key and old lock/keys to solicitor/executor along with a note to say problem neighbor also has a key to old lock, refused to return it and appears to be living there and also going through the house contents which belong to you now, so you've changed the lock.

You won't have altered the fabric of the building by changing the lock and executors can change back to the old one if they wish. You could even insert the new lock but replace the old facings if you prefer. Problem neighbor won't even know you've changed the lock, just either won't be able to insert her key or will insert it but it won't turn, depending on how different the new lock is from the old one. You haven't deprived anyone of access who should have it. You haven't stolen the old lock. You have done them a favour of not having to deal with problem neighbor themselves.

She clearly is a problem otherwise you wouldn't have everyone from the gardener to the postman calling you up to essentially tell you, as nicely as possible, that she's living there.

She shouldn't be dealing with the post. Doing what exactly? Do you know what accounts etc you DM had? How do you know this woman isn't busy transferring the contents of them into her own bank, closing them down, forging signatures pretending to be your mum, figuring that nobody will realise since they never knew what your mum had? Any care or help she provided ended when your DM died. She's not a bereaved live-in DP so she definitely shouldn't be going through your DM post or any other paperwork, it's totally inappropriate.

It's not uncommon for some enterprising person to latch on to someone who starts needing care (or who they can convince needs their care) for the purposes of claiming Carer's Allowance, rather than out of kindness or any real desire to help. All the time this woman is in your DM house she's using utilities someone else is paying for, enjoying a larger property than she has herself, eating the contents of someone else's fridge freezer etc. It may be less obsession with your DM and more panic at her free ride ending.

When I suggested that we should hand the keys back (I don't actually have one myself but I though it sounded friendlier), she paused for a while before becoming very cross and then laughing and saying it was simply not possible, that the house needs cleaning.
The house is spotless.
I explained that the house no longer belonged to my mother or her friend and that we were acting illegally by being there so the keys should rightly be handed back.
She laughed and just kept saying it was totally ridiculous and she would not comply. and would make an appointment to see the solicitor on Monday .
She rambled on , there was no talking to her so I left her to it.

I know that you say you are not religious, but I would suggest that you contact your late DM's minister/priest/pastor for a chat and mention your concerns about the neighbour. I'm a parish minister, and there have been times when people have expressed concerns to me about the behaviour of church members. It may well be that the minister is already aware of the, to be honest, bizarre and unreasonable behaviour this woman is showing and will be able to have a word with her and/or be an ally to you.

OP, I've read through all your posts again, and I really do think you should contact your late DM's minister and mention your concerns about this woman. She does seem extremely unwell - as you say she's lost a lot of weight, and is shaky, so it must already be obvious to those who know her that there's something not right. Maybe her church will be able to step in and gently draw her away.

I think someone else has suggested contacting her priest and you may be right, it could well be a good idea.

Thanks for your suggestion.
She really does look ill and very thin. It worried me.

You sound like a very caring person doing all they can to help thus woman in her grief whilst you yourself are grieving. The priest sounds like a good starting point because he will know how the woman is usually and so will recognise the change as much as you have, if not more.

Another voice in favour of you contacting the minister to mention your concerns about your Mother's friend.

Not only that though, if you had a favourite secular poem or piece of music with relevance to your Mum, you could have it included in her funeral service.
Although you've said you are not religious, many funerals now have secular elements, and contributing to them could help ease your grief.

I've found that the funeral can often be a watershed in the grieving process, opening the way to healing, but as the friend is organising the funeral, you really haven't been able to have that experience.

So if you have the chance to be involved in the funeral planning @missmartha I hope you take it, as it may help you at this difficult time.

She might have stealthily moved in.
You need urgent advice.
She has no right to be the gatekeeper to your mother's house.

Please speak to a solicitor/the executor asap.
There are , clearly, insurance issues here as well as legal title issues.
The charities will make sure that she is immediately removed, I'm sure , as she has no right to be there .

You should have called the police at that point to have her removed. It's totally ridiculous that you, who needs a key, hasn't got one but she has!

there is no possibility is there that she and yr mother could have got married/civil partnered, is there.
in which case the will would be invalid if made before the marriage.
i know it seems v v unlikely, but that is the only rational explanation i can imagine for her sense of entitlement.
but then why not say that to the hosp, as next of kin, unless yr mother wished to be private.

I thing marriage would be highly unlikely. My mother would have said. She was like that.

I have been daft, I have let things go too far and now I am paying for it. I should have drawn boundaries very clearly from the start.

The woman was always friendly to me but usually kept her distance when I was there. She knew when I was visiting and generally stayed away. In consequence, I know very little about her. I know she attends the same church and that she and my mother appeared to be great friends though the depth of the neighbour's friendship wasn't apparent until now. It is much more an obsession and that is plain and worrying. My mother though a lot of her "she is a 100% good friend' she wrote to me earlier this year, and I believed her without question.

I will definitely contact the solicitor tomorrow , this whole thing is literally making me sick. I feel ill.

I lost a close family member this year and towards the end he simply couldn't tolerate visitors, we had to ask people not to come which was hugely awkward but in order to comply with his wishes at a time when he was suffering and in pain we followed his wishes. It is possible your mum and her friend had had similar conversations. However, her part in this is not effectively over and while she is in pain and grieving she needs to leave. I would also advise talking to her priest who may not say much to you but may be able to talk to her and bring in some rational thought. Good luck OP and so sorry for your loss.

I contacted my solicitor this morning who confirmed what I already knew but I was grateful anyway. She has no right to be in the house without permission.

I had called her earlier and she was in my mothers house with one of her friends , 'going through her finances for the executor".

What...?

I told her that it was totally unnecessary, that the executor would do it, but she said she had done it before for other people which made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck.

She also told me that they were taking perishable goods out of the kitchen and binning them.

I had been there Wednesday and we had done that then so I knew that the kitchen was clean. I told her that but she insisted that some of it must have been missed which is bl**ocks. "Funny that isn't it", she said.

My solicitor had told me to ring the police which I did but they were unable to do anything as it is a civil case and they had keys.

I should probably not repeat this but my own solicitor said "If it was me , I'd be up the motorway in a flash and beat the living sh** out of them..........not my legal advice you understand but if you ask me they are thieving gits and have done this before".

The neighbour's/friend's actions are becoming even more outrageous! How dare she be going through your late mother's possessions, particularly her finances. I would have made it very clear that her behaviour is illegal and she and her friend must stop immediately. No more Mr nice guy with her.

I would be going straight to the house with whoever is willing to accompany you (husband, friend, adult child) and remove the key from her possession - go through her handbag to do so. Do not tell her that you have removed the key and somehow get her out of the house, even in to the garden and lock up behind her. I would not be leaving that house at all until she leaves and is locked out. Turn off the power and water too if you have to.

Doesn't surprise me that the police don't want to do their job, they're absolutely useless and use the 'civil matter' excuse to get out taking on extra work all the time. Is it heck a civil matter, it's trespass!

You may have to cause a scene in order to get them to respond. Go to the house and refuse to leave until she does. What's she going to do? Call the police and tell them there's an intruder in "her" home? Well that would work out very nicely for you as it forces the police to attend and sort out who owns the place and who should leave.

I am at home this weekend and to be totally honest, I feel ill and want to stay calm.

I was definitely not 'Mrs. Nice Guy. I told her she should leave my mother's finances alone . I told her to leave, I told her I would call the police , I told her, what my solicitor told me to do....that I would take out an injunction.
To the injunction bit she replied "Oh goodie, I've never had one of those".
I told her that the household insurance did not cover the present comings and goings, I told her that the executor was personally responsible for anything that happened in the house and if anything was broken or there was some sort of accident he was personally responsible and she said "I don't care".

I will see her later this week to register the death though why it has taken so long I do not know.

I’m sorry for your loss.

So this lady is late 70s? You could contact SS, explain the bereavement and say you are concerned for her welfare as she does not appear to be eating.

Explain to her that you have to have the locks changed ( insurance) when they are being changed, not beforehand and just don’t give her a key. If extra security is needed install a camera/ Ring doorbell.

Make sure you have removed any important documents from the house in case she feels she has to take or destroy anything. ( bad experience where letters were found that caused a lot of problems , wish someone had burnt them!)

Sorry, I’d missed a couple of your updates.
Honestly you’ve nothing to lose hanging the locks. You’re not doing it for any wrong reasons— to lock out a sibling for example.
This woman is either stealing stuff or she’s a “ professional griever “ latching onto the drama of a bereavement, like to be the centre of attention in it.
The main problem is her accessing the property so you can stop that tomorrow by gett8ng a locksmith out.

What a horrible woman she has turned out to be.

Given her nastiness, I wonder if she has been taking small items from the house and selling them.

She may have been a friend of your mothers but now she is acting with malice.

If she was any kind of decent person she would not be upsetting you, knowing you are grieving.

Get the neighbours onboard to phone you if they see anything untoward such as a removal van.

But most of all get the executor to get the locks changed asap.

You can register the death yourself surely? She doesn't/shouldn't have any input into that. I went with DSis to register her DH's death, but only as she was distressed and didn't want to go alone. Get the locks changed and have nothing to do with her. It seems fairly clear that her friendship with your DM was for her benefit and not your mother's. If it were me, I'd keep her well away from all arrangements as she has shown you a very nasty side.

Sure they weren't more than friends? The hospital wouldn't have let her in on meetings about your mother's care if she didn't have some standing....