Worried about my mother's neighbour and her obsession.

[missmartha]

My mother died recently , but 20 yers prior to this she met a younger woman from the town she lived in at her art class and despite a 20 year age gap they hit it off.

This woman was so friendly she had a key to my mother's house and to be honest, was a help in my mother's final days but obsessively so.

Mother was 98 when she was admitted to hospital and the friend was with her, she visited twice daily and when she wasn't visiting she spent all day at my mother's house.
I do not live locally so could not visit daily but mother had other friends and neighbours but this one did not stop to the extent that she put people off visiting and the hospital staff thought she was my mother's daughter. She was there constantly, even attending ward meetings about my mother's future.

I am unclear what she did at my mother's house. I did ask and was told that she did the washing, took in the mail and 'aired' the house.
I'm pretty sure she moved in if I'm honest.
She lost weight , she wouldn't' eat. She refused days out with friends , gave up her hobbies and delayed her holiday.
When my mother returned home she slept in the house. Mother's other friends were afraid to visit.

My mother died recently and although I have visited, I have rarely seen the friend as she keeps out of my way. I have no idea why, we have a telephone relationship, but a good one I think.
Anyway on seeing the friend I was frankly shocked. She had obviously lost several stones in weight , looked much older and was restless, pacing and shaky.
I believe her to still be living at my mother's house though she can't do that much longer and has a very nice house of her own anyway.

All this has worried me and I am concerned about this woman. What , if anything can I do to help her, I fear she may be ill.

Sorry, but you do need to change the locks and ask her to stay out if you need to go through the house to prepare it for sale. Does your mum’s well leave you anything eg jewellery?

I would speak to the executor as a matter of urgency.
Something might be amiss. This lady sounds very anxious and really shouldn't be waiting around for you to leave before'she' locks up.

I think you need to let the executor know the situation with this lady. They will be selling the house so she'll have to return to her own house anyway.
If it's not your house, I don't think you should change the locks.

If you're concerned about the lady's health and well-being make a referral to Social services as she sounds vulnerable.

Change the locks

I think a good way forward could be to simply gently keep her in the loop. She is clearly grieving a very close relationship. So are you, of course! So don't feel overly responsible for this woman; but, it really does just sound like they were very close. Partners, companions, simply best friends. Friendship in itself can be incredibly "intimate", even if only emotionally, and the connection with a good friend can be so incredibly special.

Do you feel able to have a conversation with her, and ask what support she has personally? Depending on the circumstances and how you think she would react, you could speak to the council about welfare and safeguarding resources for vulnerable people, because if she is an elderly, possibly unwell, lady, and grieving, and she doesn't have any support network of her own, she is really in a vulnerable position.

I would think she was either your mum's gf, or that she's got designs on the house. I would check the will.

@Beetleback it does rather seem that the woman is a stranger to OP, who initially said she was unclear what she was doing at her mothers house.

I think a call to adult social services is not unwarranted. You’re not being unkind or trying to evict her, but genuinely concerned for her physical and mental well-being.

The truth is that I have known of this woman for probably the last 20 years, maybe a little longer. She was a friend of my mothers and my mother would occasionally talk about her and sometimes she would visit and our paths would cross.
I like her.
In the last few months while my mother has been in hospital, she has visited my mother every day and usually twice a day. in-between and after visits she would go back to my mother's house and stay there.
I did ask her why and she told me to keep the house aired, to do the washing, see to the mail, water the plants etc.
Neighbours did contact me and did ask why she was always there and I couldn't give them an answer.
Even the gardener rang me and asked 'why is she always there. Every single timeI visit. I thought the house was empty'.

This woman lives in the same town. She has her own house , a nice house in a good area and before she retired she worked for social services.

I am concerned. She has lost a few stones and has become agitated and nervy. She shakes and has taken up smoking. Ok , maybe that's not so odd.

Just to add, my mother had many friends and neighbours . We are a small family but such as we are we visited often.
The friend had other friends, hobbies and pastimes.
This friend wasn't known to many of my mother's friends and her progressively odd behaviour made them feel unwelcome when they visited.. These are people who had never let my mother down , but they found visiting difficult.

It may be that she romantically loved my mother, I have and do romantically love people and can understand the pain I would feel at the thought of loosing them. I have known many people who have lost loved ones and not behaved this way.

My problem is that
a) Her obsessive behaviour worries me
b). Her weight loss and her shaky nervousness worries me as does her constant pacing.

She has obsessively clung on to my mother and continues to do so after death and it has made me wonder why.

I have told her kindly, that I am there should she want talk but she doesn't.
Bluntly asking her to hand over the key seems hard although I would not be making her homeless, she has a home of her own and she has friends of her own.

My mother died, I'm grieving too.

I'm really sorry you're finding this tricky op on top of your mother's death, and I can see why.

Is there anyone who can help you talk to her?

Maybe it would be kinder for her to be removed from the home. She shouldn’t be sorting through your mum’s house. That’s really over-stepping. She may be healthier back in her own home. From a practical point of view, she may be difficult to remove. You may need to have police involvement which could force a psychiatric assessment. She sounds very unwell to me.

“This friend wasn't known to many of my mother's friends and her progressively odd behaviour made them feel unwelcome when they visited.. These are people who had never let my mother down , but they found visiting difficult.”

^Sounds like she was trying to alienate your mum from her friends. She isn’t to be trusted. Have you seen a copy of your mums will?…….

This. There's no tenancy agreement. Your DM is dead. This friend/partner has no rights to live in your late DM house. If you don't shut it down you could be deemed to have accepted it and with her possibly living there 20yrs and there being no tenancy agreement, you could find it difficult to get her out later if you accept her living there now. I actually wouldn't tell her in advance that you're coming to pack up the house because you may get there and find she has changed the locks. She sounds obsessed and entitled enough to do that if she feels the status quo is threatened.

To all the people thinking "aww how kind of her" - Driving away a person's other friends isn't kind, presenting yourself as next of kin to hospital and allowing staff to believe you're the patient's DD when you know a real DD/NOK exists and you have an apparently ok relationship this DD, is beyond weird and not kind towards OP at all. Neither is effectively trying to steal a dead person's house.

Trust your instincts OP. There's something off. This woman has a home. Turn up with locksmith in tow, get locks changed, call a taxi for this woman to take her to her own house and if she won't go call the police. You know nothing about her. She could be going through your DM possessions removing anything of value, including sentimental items that you'd want to keep, for all you know. She hasn't admitted to being your mum's DP so she's overstepping in her accepted role as a friend. Most people would feel put out if they found their late parent's friend spending all their time in the house and going through the deceased's possessions.

Contact adult social services for the area and report her as vulnerable and possibly in need of support. There's nothing else you can do. You need to get on with the process of dealing with your late DM estate without the added hassle of this woman and her problems. It's fine, you're not responsible for her. She has a home of her own and needs to go live there. Her age or level of grief is irrelevant to that fact.

Sorry I was mistaken about this woman possibly living in DM house for 20yrs, I see re reading that I've mixed her up with someone else. I still think she could be trying to steal the house now though. How did she and DM meet, out of interest? You mentioned she's a retired SW. No chance she was DM's SW is there? Wouldn't be the first professional to have been essentially a confidence trickster.

Losing weight, starving and shaking

Also although this could well be grief OP it could also be later stage alcoholism. They do stop eating, getting most calories from alcohol and after initially sometimes putting on loads of weight due to the calories in alcohol, as the alcohol takes over their lives more and more it becomes the primary source of calories and weight loss can occur. The shakes and agitation could be withdrawal if she's generally drinking constantly but refraining around you. Alcohol related brain damage can occur in the final stages. It can look like dementia or a MH problem. There's no evidence she is alcoholic but there's also no evidence she isn't so I'd be considering it a possibility.

I agree with everything that @Irunoncoffeemascaraandhighheels has written.

The woman is up to no good and in your grief for your mother you don't want to believe that someone your mother thought was a friend could have a sinister agenda.

I sympathise with her distress, but she absolutely should not have access to the house or its contents any more. The house no longer belongs to your late mother, it belongs to her Estate, therefore she has no right to go in there any more. The executor needs to be informed so they can decide what to do about it.

Sorry for your loss

I have spoken to the friend and suggested that anyone with a key should return it to the executor and she has refused point blank to part with hers.

She was shocked that I should ask such a thing and got quite unpleasant, but when I asked why she was she could come up with no reason.

The solicitor/executor will be back in work Monday.

Honestly, I've had it with her.

You need to check the insurance situation on the house anyway, if you need to renew it there are all sorts of limits and restrictions. It could complicate things if the friend is going in and out at will. You might need to change the locks, but tell her that you have to do this.

I would invite her to your mum's house, arrange a day to go together, to close it down. Perhaps let's her take some mementos (within reason) and see if you can get any more information out of her.

She is clearly grieving for the loss of her friend (the real nature of their relationship is irrelevant) but if she doesn't want to be helped I'm not sure there is much you can do, but at least you will have tried.

Has your mum left her anything in the will do you know?

Time to change the locks I think.

Exactly this .
She is not your responsibility.

Just to clarify, OP - does this lady have friends/a support network or not? I'm not sure from your posts.

It isn't clear, but have you actually been inside the house lately?
Change the locks with the executors permission.

Is she actually living in your mother's house? I was living in my father's house at the time of his death and when we sold it, I had to sign something saying I would leave the property once it was sold.

I'm sorry for your loss.
How did the friend deal with the funeral arrangements? Did you arrange that, did she want to be involved? Is there a will and if so is there any mention of the friend within it?
I do think you now need to take ownership of your mother's affairs, kindly gently and with compassion. You may not feel you can start the ball rolling by stating your wishes (eg "I need you to leave by next week and then the locks will be changed"). If there is a will, this will be much easier as awkward issues can be prefaced with "the solicitor said" and "the will asks that", other useful 'scapegoats' might be the house insurance, the council tax people.
I think the "shit sandwich" approach might help -
I'm so glad Mum had such a special friend as you.
It's time you moved back to your own place.
What I'd like is that on her birthday, we go together and plant a tree/visit her favourite place/go to the crematorium. Just you as her very best friend and I.
But it does have to be done.