Worried about my mother's neighbour and her obsession.

[missmartha]

My mother died recently , but 20 yers prior to this she met a younger woman from the town she lived in at her art class and despite a 20 year age gap they hit it off.

This woman was so friendly she had a key to my mother's house and to be honest, was a help in my mother's final days but obsessively so.

Mother was 98 when she was admitted to hospital and the friend was with her, she visited twice daily and when she wasn't visiting she spent all day at my mother's house.
I do not live locally so could not visit daily but mother had other friends and neighbours but this one did not stop to the extent that she put people off visiting and the hospital staff thought she was my mother's daughter. She was there constantly, even attending ward meetings about my mother's future.

I am unclear what she did at my mother's house. I did ask and was told that she did the washing, took in the mail and 'aired' the house.
I'm pretty sure she moved in if I'm honest.
She lost weight , she wouldn't' eat. She refused days out with friends , gave up her hobbies and delayed her holiday.
When my mother returned home she slept in the house. Mother's other friends were afraid to visit.

My mother died recently and although I have visited, I have rarely seen the friend as she keeps out of my way. I have no idea why, we have a telephone relationship, but a good one I think.
Anyway on seeing the friend I was frankly shocked. She had obviously lost several stones in weight , looked much older and was restless, pacing and shaky.
I believe her to still be living at my mother's house though she can't do that much longer and has a very nice house of her own anyway.

All this has worried me and I am concerned about this woman. What , if anything can I do to help her, I fear she may be ill.

Hi OP. Not your responsibility, but something to consider based on her presentation. Perhaps contact the local older person's mental health team. Explain you know they can't give information to you, but can take information. If you give them her name, address (if you know it, mention she's spendi g all her time at your mother's) they can check the system and if she's known to them they can reach out. They won't tell you, but at least it's flagged. If she isn't known to them, at least they have the information should she become known.

She has her own flat, it's really nice and she has never officially moved in with my mother. Not unofficially either come to that.

She appears to be staying at my mothers although she only lives a stone's throw away but I CAN'T SAY FOR SURE.

Hi , she will know the staff, she worked with adult mental health ironically.

That all seems very odd. Hopefully you will get it sorted once you get the solicitors involved.

The funeral hasn't happened yet as my mother has been dead for only a week but she has been asked to help. She is very religious and will be good at this sort of thing.

The will has yet to be read but I'm sure may mother will have left her something.

This

Fuck me, some drip feed there OP 🙄😬

Please change the locks asap.

I think you need to tell the Executor ( the solicitor) that you think she may be living there and leave it to him to deal with. Nothing should be removed from the house at all until the Executor says so. But you need to tell him.

No, she is a neighbour and became a close friend with my mother.

My mother was in possession of her faculties until the end and what she did and who she saw and their roles in her life was her business.

It would not surprise me if this neighbour saw herself as very close indeed to my mother, more than mother was aware anyway.

I have never considered these two to be partners, simply very close friends, the sort of friend you give your house key to.

I'm sorry, the whole thing is very confusing and is making me tetchy.

*This

Fuck me, some drip feed there OP 🙄😬*

Except it isn't as that's not the situation at all.

You mention she refuses to hand over the key to your mums house to the executor (solicitor?) - well change the locks asap!

It's tough, but you need to change the barrel of the locks (it's only a five minute job) and don't give her the new key. Tell her that it's for insurance purposes as you're unable to confirm to the company that no-one else has a key.

You'll need to ensure that she doesn't leave any of her property behind though.

It sounds as though they were very close.
She looked after her when the OP couldn't.
For all we know they may have been in a relationship. It certainly sounds as though she loved her and is now grieving. She isn't a stranger

It's very difficult dealing with elderly relatives when you don't live locally. I was overseeing, for want of a better word, an elderly aunt who lived 300 miles away. She wanted to stay in her own home for the remainder of her life so had 4 two-person care visits a day, plus neighbours doing what they could. This was in a small community where everyone knew everyone else.
Although all of them were very respectful of my position as auntie's next of kin, I also had to acknowledge that they probably knew her better than me and I had to be careful not to be seen as sweeping in at the last minute and taking over, and also after her death ignoring their essential contribution to allowing her wishes to be honoured. Couldn't have done it without them.

't sounds as though they were very close.
She looked after her when the OP couldn't.
For all we know they may have been in a relationship. It certainly sounds as though she loved her and is now grieving. She isn't a stranger'

@Crossstich -

Except that she made out she was the ops mothers daughter at the hospital, tried to stop friends and family busting and has been coming and going to house as if it's her own and is refusing to give the keys back to the op who is the real daughter!

The woman is up to no good. As to what degree, we don't know.

I realise this is a sensitive question when it's your own mum but.. Were they in fact partners?

It's not unheard of that women of their generation had long standing "friends" who were actually life partners who never felt they could live together.

Either way she's clearly suffering in grief. Does this woman have relatives you can seek support from?

Well, it seems this woman is grieving, and the grief is making her I'll. she isn't your responsibility though, so I don't think there is anything you can or should do.

The house will need clearing - I'm not sure how involved you want to be with that, but it sounds like this woman would be happy to help? You have the photo you wanted, the house really isn't your concern now. I wouldn't be spending money on having the locks changed.

I think you should focus on the funeral, and your own grief. Let your mothers friend deal with hers in her own way.

Could this woman claim squatters rights? I have no idea about the law, but it does seem that she had no intention of moving. Which is why I think that ultimately the locks will need changing.

I had some sympathy until she refused to give the key back.... I would have the locks changed ASAP as it has become quite inappropriate now.

I'm not sure I can legally change the locks as my mother left the house in trust for various charities.
Not drip feeding, I have mentioned this.
As I type, the house belongs to trustees so I am not in a position to alter the fabric of the house.

My mother wanted her friend/neighbour to sort our her funeral as they both attended the same church whereas I am not religious. My mother has left the contents of the house to me. Not to keep for myself but to distribute, sell or otherwise get rid of, also and in writing, she has asked that I clear the house in readiness for it to be sold.
All this of course will have to be in accordance with the wishes of the trustees/executors/solicitors...none of it is easy.

It is possible though unlikely that my mother had a romanic relationship with this neighbour ut possibly le, most things are possible. My mother's partner died in 2019 and it's difficult to see how she would have had time at her age.

There is no intention to drip feed
a) they were neighbours who became close friends during the last 20 years
b) They did not to my knowledge share the same house and I visited at least once a week.
c)During my mother's final illness her friend visited her constantly in hospital and seemed , to only return to my mother's house . She was always there.
d) The house is in trust and no one apart from my mothers favoured charity will benefit from the sale of the house. It is currently in the care of trustees in the form of my mothers solicitor.
e)Mother's friend refuses to leave the house , certainly during the daytime. She refuses to return the keys to the trustees who so far will not press her for this until next week. She dos not believe this will happen and she believes that she has a perfect right to 'hang out' at what was my mother's house.

There maybe more... no attempt to conceal, just so flipping complex.

I understand she may be grieving, but I'm also wondering if she was intending to squat.

Yes, she is grieving the loss of her friend. But you are also grieving the loss of your mother (and I'm sorry for your loss) and she is making life harder for you by refusing to leave your mother's home.

A part of me thinks that if she really cared for your mother as a good friend, she shouldn't now be making life harder for her late friend's daughter. Hope you're able to get some legal advice on changing the locks. I'm afraid I'm not much help there.

I think you can change the locks, hand one key to the solicitor and keep the other while you clear the house, and then hand that key to the solicitors.

I don't think it's a complicated as you think.

Grief is making it seem very complicated for you and this woman.

I'm sorry you have this added extra worry to deal with because of this woman.

I would fully inform the trustees of this woman's blatant refusal to return the house keys and the fact that she has NO business in going into the house now that your mother has died.

It is in everyone's best interests to keep this woman out of the house to prevent any misdealing's or misunderstandings.

You mention she is religious, well she can sit in their church and grieve if she doesn't want to go home but she has NO business being in your mothers old home.

The house contents insurance may be invalid if she has u authorised access.

Please tell the executed and the trustees about her.

No need to tell them anything about your mothers private life, just the facts.

'Mother's friend has the keys to the house and is letting herself in and staying inside and refuses to give the keys back when I asked her for them now that mother has died.'

I'm sorry for your loss op, it's a lot to deal with and this woman has brought only stress.

Yes, thank you for that. I am grieving for my mother. I miss her every. day and having to walk on egg shells around this woman doesn't help.

She is totally obsessed with my my mother.It is my guess that the house is the last link to mum and she is hang on for dear life.
The problem is, she can't, there will come a day soon when the house will be gone.

Dealing with this woman and her difficult behaviour is hard work.

I'd speak with the solicitor first thing Monday and ask if it's permissible to change the locks and provide the keys to the trustees. Explain to them about this neighbour who keeps staying at the house and sorting through the contents. If they give the go ahead then call in a locksmith to change the barrels in the locks - while she's there if necessary - and let her know as kindly as possible that her involvement with the house has been appreciated but is no longer necessary.

I think it would be a good idea to speak to the local team that deals with vulnerable adults.

Sorry for your loss OP.