Worried about my mother's neighbour and her obsession.

[missmartha]

My mother died recently , but 20 yers prior to this she met a younger woman from the town she lived in at her art class and despite a 20 year age gap they hit it off.

This woman was so friendly she had a key to my mother's house and to be honest, was a help in my mother's final days but obsessively so.

Mother was 98 when she was admitted to hospital and the friend was with her, she visited twice daily and when she wasn't visiting she spent all day at my mother's house.
I do not live locally so could not visit daily but mother had other friends and neighbours but this one did not stop to the extent that she put people off visiting and the hospital staff thought she was my mother's daughter. She was there constantly, even attending ward meetings about my mother's future.

I am unclear what she did at my mother's house. I did ask and was told that she did the washing, took in the mail and 'aired' the house.
I'm pretty sure she moved in if I'm honest.
She lost weight , she wouldn't' eat. She refused days out with friends , gave up her hobbies and delayed her holiday.
When my mother returned home she slept in the house. Mother's other friends were afraid to visit.

My mother died recently and although I have visited, I have rarely seen the friend as she keeps out of my way. I have no idea why, we have a telephone relationship, but a good one I think.
Anyway on seeing the friend I was frankly shocked. She had obviously lost several stones in weight , looked much older and was restless, pacing and shaky.
I believe her to still be living at my mother's house though she can't do that much longer and has a very nice house of her own anyway.

All this has worried me and I am concerned about this woman. What , if anything can I do to help her, I fear she may be ill.

How dare she start the clean out process? Id get back to the police.

When is the funeral? Can you get a family member to get a locksmith to go in and change the locks and secure the place whilst she’s at the funeral, plus ideally fit a security camera. It was your DM’s house and you own the contents by the sounds of it, so I think you can come and go as you please but if you’re really worried then tell her executor what you’ve done and leave the new keys with them.

Otherwise I’d put money on the fact that she’ll either not go or wreck the place before going as well as nicking your stuff “for sentimental reasons” of course…

The house does not belong to her, or to you. However you are not trying to ransack it. As you unable to 'account' for all the keys I would change the locks and give the keys to the solictor to keep the house safe and secure. Then everything is safe for the executors

Please, please get the locks changed when she’s not there. She could be selling/binning everything.

I want to shake you, give you a slap to snap you out of this stupor. You're in shock or something.

Do you have an adult child, another decent relative, or a practical type best friend who you could show this thread to and ask for help dealing with solicitor and police? Explain you're not able to function normally right now due to grief.

If you didn't care, fair enough. But you so obviously do care and will be devestated to get post from debt collectors for debts this woman has run up, watch a lengthy eviction process take place while this fraudster lives in your DM house for months or years because she's been allowed to squat for a few weeks already and it's set a precedent, have everything take much longer than it should do to be all tied up which prevents you emotionally moving forward with life, be faced with a trashed/dirty house that's empty and empty bank accounts, have to go through a court case for theft/fraud if this woman gets arrested. Please spare yourself all this and get a locksmith there today. Ask for help, you clearly need it and friends/relatives won't mind helping you in the circumstances.

Who did your mother leave the house to? I assume it was her own children? Did she leave anything to this friend?

This woman is in her 70s and I would point her in the direction of whatever elder care agency your LA has.

I would assert control over the house and make sure she returned to her own home. Then sell the house.

Maybe offer the friend a few keepsakes of your mother's.

no @mathanxiety , she has left the house to charity

Until then there is no point in anyone being in the house, in fact I believe it is illegal

so you think it's illegal so won't go there but the police didn't care much when you told them about this woman?

you must be a very placid person op

@RedHelenB

Why? She was with OPs mother, looking after her when OP was unable to A bit of gratitude wouldn't go amiss.

You need to read OP's later posts. This woman's behaviour is deeply concerning and unsettling:

I was definitely not 'Mrs. Nice Guy. I told her she should leave my mother's finances alone . I told her to leave, I told her I would call the police , I told her, what my solicitor told me to do....that I would take out an injunction.
To the injunction bit she replied "Oh goodie, I've never had one of those".
I told her that the household insurance did not cover the present comings and goings, I told her that the executor was personally responsible for anything that happened in the house and if anything was broken or there was some sort of accident he was personally responsible and she said "I don't care".

You need to tell her to stop clearing your items immediately

If this woman won't come out and chat then you need to plant yourself on the sofa and make it clear that are not leaving the house. Make it uncomfortable for her if needs be. Get up and get yourself a cup of tea in the kitchen. You need to reestablish physical control of the house.

You need to physically remind her that the house is not hers.

You also need to talk to the solicitor about how to get her to leave.

Then you and he can visit one day, after he sends her a letter outlining the fact that the house will be put on the market on X and that therefore she needs to have moved out by Y date. Ask her to choose a keepsake or two and set a date within the next five days by which her things will be removed and she will return to her own home. She can sign an agreement to this effect. On that date, bring a locksmith and change all the locks.

@BarbaraV and @mathanxiety can you please read all OP's posts? The situation has gone way beyond any of that.

For some reason several pages of this thread didn't load, and I missed many of OPs updates.

OP you need to move in. If she goes out at all, you need to immediately bar the doors and refuse to let her back in again. Stand your ground. Call a locksmith.

If you can't move in, you need to instruct the solicitor to immediately file a prohibited steps order stopping her from 'clearing the house'. You need to ask the solicitor to file the injunction to have her physically removed. This is going to get very ugly, but you have to gird your loins and go through with it.

My guess is she has sold or lost her flat. She is on the make & has already removed anything of value.
Have you no brother, husband, male friends ? you need to go round with some support & tell her to pack her things she is leaving. You get new locks & she is OUT IMMEDIATELY.
If nothing else she is living free on your water & elec

If you don't take action soon @missmartha you will have nothing to clear out and could well have a squatter situation looming which although will not impact you as regards the house it will impact the Charity your mother chose to leave the proceeds of the sale to, things will become drawn out, complicated, expensive. Please take control NOW and if you can't due to grief please find someone who can do it on your behalf.

My mother's house is being held in trust until such time as all her affairs are settled.
It will then be sold and the proceeds distributed to her favourite charities.
All that will be done by the executor.

I've read every single post. Her last one she said this woman said she'd started clearing items. That's new information. Which is why I said tell her to stop.

Have you had the locks changed today?

I have spoken to the police....who wont do anything as she has a key which makes it a civil case apparently and my own solicitilor , who isn't in a position to do anything at the moment and this morning I spoke to my mother's solicitor/executor.

He was very diplomatic and said he would ring the neighbour who's number he has and see what is going on. He sounded a little ruffled but was otherwise calm and obviously careful not to inflame the situation.
What he will say to her I have no idea.

Keepsakes for her have already beed selected by her.

And the trust will have to bear the cost of removing this 'friend' if they remain there, it will cause delays, it will cost money. The Executor should be protecting the assets of the estate until such time as they are distributed and that includes the contents of the property.

Please get tough and insist that this 'friend' is removed from the property, the property is secured and that the items within it remain undisturbed.

I did tell her to stop clearing items. She laughed and said 'no'.

What do you do when you ask and the answer is "no'. Where do you go from there?

I am not in a position to change locks. If the executor wants to it's up to him, I don't have the authority.

You get hold of the Executor and remind him of his responsibilities in the role of Executor such as:

An executor is a person who is responsible for carrying out the instructions in the deceased person's will or trust.

They are appointed by the deceased person or a court to manage the estate's affairs, including locating and securing assets, paying debts and expenses, communicating with beneficiaries, and distributing assets.
Executors have a legal duty to act in the best interests of the estate and its beneficiaries. They can be family members, friends, or professionals such as attorneys or accountants.

The role of an executor can be complex and time-consuming, requiring knowledge of legal and financial matters related to estates.
Executors must follow state laws and court procedures to ensure that the estate is managed and distributed correctly.

An executor's responsibilities may vary depending on the size and complexity of the estate, but all executors have a legal and ethical responsibility to act in the best interests of the beneficiaries.

Executor Responsibilities to Beneficiaries The following are the basic responsibilities of an executor to the beneficiaries:

Managing the Deceased Person’s Assets One of the most important responsibilities of an executor is managing the deceased person's assets. This includes locating and securing assets such as property, bank accounts, and investments.

The executor must also take steps to protect the assets until they can be distributed to beneficiaries. The executor is responsible for making investment decisions regarding the assets, keeping detailed records of all transactions, and filing tax returns for the estate.

You tell the Executor that the friend is depriving you of assets and that if he/she fails to act he will be in dereliction of his/her duty.

You tell the Executor that the friend is depriving you of assets and that if he/she fails to act he will be in dereliction of his/her duty.

Absolutely this. If he / she is made aware of what's happening, it is part of their responsibility and duty to stop it.

Please do get in touch with them now before the working day ends for another day.

You poor thing, this woman's behaviour is disgraceful and I can't imagine how hard it is to deal with while you're still so raw with grief.

Yes - this is spot on.

At the very least get the executor to instruct you/give you permission to change the locks.

I know this spunds awful but can you get together with family and the executor and just go and ask her to leave while you as family sit and say your goodbyes or something.
Then have a locksmith organised and get it all done. Bag her stuff up and put it outside for her.
I think it needs to be sly as the police can't help.
She probably moved herself in as a friend and helper as some people do and it bacame her thing especially being in the same church.
As you say it's not about the value of the goods she is sorting through but family memories and mementos.