Worried about my mother's neighbour and her obsession.

[missmartha]

My mother died recently , but 20 yers prior to this she met a younger woman from the town she lived in at her art class and despite a 20 year age gap they hit it off.

This woman was so friendly she had a key to my mother's house and to be honest, was a help in my mother's final days but obsessively so.

Mother was 98 when she was admitted to hospital and the friend was with her, she visited twice daily and when she wasn't visiting she spent all day at my mother's house.
I do not live locally so could not visit daily but mother had other friends and neighbours but this one did not stop to the extent that she put people off visiting and the hospital staff thought she was my mother's daughter. She was there constantly, even attending ward meetings about my mother's future.

I am unclear what she did at my mother's house. I did ask and was told that she did the washing, took in the mail and 'aired' the house.
I'm pretty sure she moved in if I'm honest.
She lost weight , she wouldn't' eat. She refused days out with friends , gave up her hobbies and delayed her holiday.
When my mother returned home she slept in the house. Mother's other friends were afraid to visit.

My mother died recently and although I have visited, I have rarely seen the friend as she keeps out of my way. I have no idea why, we have a telephone relationship, but a good one I think.
Anyway on seeing the friend I was frankly shocked. She had obviously lost several stones in weight , looked much older and was restless, pacing and shaky.
I believe her to still be living at my mother's house though she can't do that much longer and has a very nice house of her own anyway.

All this has worried me and I am concerned about this woman. What , if anything can I do to help her, I fear she may be ill.

it doesn't belong to you and really is nothing to do with you in any way so I'd just forget about it and let her get on with it.

Also much easier to say than do, if you've ever lost a parent or anyone you've cared about. It's hardly 'forget about it' territory!

you couldn't have been such a close family if your mother left her house to charity and didn't name one of her children as executor. That's very strange to me...just why???

You realise you just typed this out and sent it to a real person whose mum died a week ago?

What on earth is wrong with you? What a needlessly cruel and insensitive thing to do.

whilst it might be insensitive, as OPs mum has left the house to charity, OP has no more claim on the house than the carer/friend person it seems

@MentholLoad

That's true, but that poster didn't just say 'unfortunately legally you don't have any more right to xyz than so and so'.

She said they can't have been close, called the situation strange and added a flippant 'just why?' for good measure.

Regardless of the legalities the situation, surely you can see it was a shitty post to write to someone whose mum died a week ago and is having a really stressful and upsetting time already?

@MentholLoad the house is being left to charity, the contents are being left to the op.

The woman is essentially going through stuff that now belongs to the op .

and wasn't there a wish or in the will that OP was to take house contents, or clear them.

whilst it might be insensitive, as OPs mum has left the house to charity, OP has no more claim on the house than the carer/friend person it seems

The OP knows this, has done for a long time and is clearly not upset at all by it. However, ALL the items inside the house are for the OP and for her to sort out NOT the 'friend'.

As for the comment a pp made about executors, many people chose a solicitor to be their executor rather than family particularly if family are at a distance and the solicitor is local, also many think it is easier to have an independent objective person who knows how the process works rather than family, it's not unusual nor is it a slight on family members.

I am sorry for your loss@missmartha and for the comments made at you in some of these recent posts. Unfortunately though I think this 'friend' of your mum is taking things from the house and doing it slowly so it is not obvious until it is too late hence why she will not relinquish the key. I do think you need to get on to the Executor about changing the locks and refusing her entry to the property, the items inside are yours and yours to deal with as you see fit.

YY definitely,but I don't think it's in OPs best interests to get too concerned by this women. get mum's stuff out of the house ASAP and leave the executor to deal with her

This is good advice.

Get access to the house, get anything valuable out - the contents are legally yours atm. Then leave everything else to the executor in terms of getting her out of the house.

I'd also take over the funeral, and make sure the directors know she is to have no say in the arrangements, same for the church.

That is good advice from @MentholLoad and also I would second the advice from @theemmadilemma regarding the funeral, you need to take control this woman is going to be an utter nightmare and will usurp you every chance she gets, don't let her, pack away any sympathy you had for her she doesn't warrant it.

It's true that I have no more right to the house or to be in the house than the neighbour and I want neither.

My mother has stipulated that the contents of the house however are mine. Some of this is the usual tat, some is precious mainly because it has sentimental value but most lies somewhere in-between and there are one or two nice pieces but not that many.

I have chosen a photo of my grandmother . I was fond of her and it is a lovely sepia photo that would give me a lot of pleasure.
Speaking to the neighbour yesterday she told me she had started to 'clear' the house. Now what that really means I dread to think.
I do know the will has not gone through probate and I'd be very upset if she started to throw things out, share them out amongst her mates or start an 'Oxfam' pile .

I have no key to the house and I have no wish to go there until everything is settled and I can legally do so. Then I will clear the house.

Until then there is no point in anyone being in the house, in fact I believe it is illegal.

OP, did you make it clear to the police that your DM has died, and that the house is now owned by a trust, who have not given her any permission, any permission she may have been given was by the previous owner, and that she has the key by deception, and you believe she's stealing while she's there? That's not civil trespass, it's burglary!

I think it may be far more effective for the solicitor to call the police, if you can confirm to them in real time that she is at the house. I feel like they're less likely to try to fob off a legal professional. The solicitor should also organise a locksmith, they have the authority to do it.

Even if she's just throwing away out of date food (which I don't believe for a second) she has no right to do so, and it's theft. It's not her food to dispose of.

As for going through the financials, my blood would be boiling. I really really feel for you

I really think you need to put a rocket up the Executor or solicitor or Police or all three to stop this woman doing what she is doing, she has no right, the items in the house do not belong to her, it is theft.

You have to get forceful to stop this, there will be nothing to clear out if you don't and you will have all manner of problems trying to recover it if it has already gone.

Well haven't you spoken to the executor today? i don't know how you can state that everything in house is left to you when the will hasn't gone through probate yet. The executor needs to get the key immediately and if she takes anything it's theft. You do need to go there with the executor as soon as possible and make an inventory

are you sure your mum hasn't changed her will and left stuff to this woman?

Why? She was with OPs mother, looking after her when OP was unable to
A bit of gratitude wouldn't go amiss.

The executor needs to get the key immediately and if she takes anything it's theft. You do need to go there with the executor as soon as possible and make an inventory

Yes. The house needs to be locked and secured and nothing moved/taken until probate has been done.

it seems like there is some animosity between them. from what OP describes, 'the woman's has been quite hostile, when she has tried to initiate a discussion. The mum didn't leave her house to OP and the woman cared for her for 20 years (?).... I do wonder if the woman feels that OP didn't spend enough time with her mum....maybe mum confided in woman, negativity about OP. I don't believe she's on the make....20 years would be very long game and it doesn't sound like there is loads to plunder (which she could have already done whilst mum was sick and be long gone)

something else that I thought, maybe the woman has dementia, which would maybe explain her physical and mental state, if not 'just' grieving

@MentholLoad She hasn't looked after the DM for 20 years though. Ops DM had a partner who died in 2019. This woman has been a friend for a long time but not a partner or carer.

oh ok, sorry I must have misread/misunderstood somewhere

You are getting mixed up @MentholLoad - Op's mum had a female partner they lived together for 20 years after the death of OP' mum's husband, the female partner died in 2019.

OP but you are within your rights to change the locks for preservation for the executors. This woman who you were willing to treat with kindness has her own motivations that aren’t in the interest of the estate. I would urge you to make the house secure asap as she clearly intends to empty the place.

She sounds totally unhinged.

So sorry for your loss op

not really...she sounds like she is in the denial stage of grief

Even if it was all true, none of this changes the fact that the time to move a relationship to the next level and move into your girlfriend's house isn't when your girlfriend is lying in hospital dying and in possession of a will leaving that house to charity.

The mother may not have even known this woman was attending hospital meetings about her, she may not have known the hospital staff were mistakenly thinking it's her daughter. Or she may have known these things and been too ill to be bothered to contradict it, thinking what does it matter?

As for troublemakers wheedling their way into vulnerable people's lives, convincing the vulnerable person they're a friend, it happens all the time. If you're really ill and your friend says I'm just taking the key to go water your plants, feed the cat, throw the off milk away and air the house out...your first thought isn't going to be OMG nooooo what if she moves in?! Or clones my identity and steals my jewellery?! Not unless your illness features paranoia.

OP you're being too passive regarding the police. So you got a lazy ass one on the phone last time. Try again, with a simpler version of the story. A thief is ransacking your mother's house, you believe inghe process of committing identify theft, and refusing to leave, you're there now, can they please come and remove her.

@jolaylasofia are you the thief?! Sure acting like it.

@MentholLoad of course OP has more right to change locks on her late DM house, an action that's in the interests of complying with the terms of the will (ie that OP clears the house out), than this woman has to have a key and go through the place stealing whatever she likes which is in direct contradiction to the deceased's wishes. The deceased is OP's DM. She's no relation to the "friend" at all.