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Original poster

My 15yo is a rude, uneducated fool. Yes of course this is my responsibility but I still want to complain about it.

270 replies

parentingdisappointment · 09/08/2023 10:57

I went into parenting with such great intentions. At every step, I sought advice and pushed myself to meet my children's needs and as many of their wants as I could. Their dad left when the younger one was born and although he continued to see them weekly, for two hours at a time, has been of very little support. No family help so mostly it has been just me.

Like so many parents, I have been conscientious about their welfare and education. I have tried to give them as many opportunities as possible - music lessons, sports clubs, art classes, theatre school - anything at all they expressed interest in so they could get a wide range of experiences from which to develop interests.

I researched education to great lengths and managed to fund private schooling for their secondary years.

Even though I have long struggled to provide, often down to less than $10 in my bank account by Friday, I busted a gut to take them on holidays - to the beaches, to the mountains, to hotels, to campgrounds - again, trying to give them lots of experiences.

At home I tried to maintain routines to keep them feeling cosy and secure - bedtimes with stories (when they were little), pudding nights, Sunday morning pancakes, eating dinner together every evening, that sort of thing.

And here I am... my youngest is 15 and he is rude, so rude, addicted to vaping and weed, constantly in trouble at school, doing bare minimum school work, and frankly has very few redeeming features. When he doesn't get what he wants, he is quick to anger using violence. He has smashed up the home so many times.

I am not wanting advice or expecting solutions. So long as he is taking drugs he is going to be unreasonable, I understand this. But I just want to write this down. I find it difficult to imagine him emerging from this a. alive and b. functioning well. I have dug deep to try to accept him for who he is, to be patient, to get him to engage with support services, but sometimes I just look at him and think god what an absolute brat, I can only imagine how irritated they must be with him at school and in the wider world.

So yeah, this is parenting. Really over it. The End.

OP posts:
VeridicalVagabond · 09/08/2023 13:08

Lots of smug perfect parents on here as usual with posts like this. Bet half of them don't have kids and the other half have little kids but think because they're such magnificent parents there's no chance said kids will turn into arsehole teenagers.

OP, I was an absolute shit of a teenager too. My mum did nothing wrong, my siblings were all fine, I just had a hate monster in me from about 13. Drugs, violence, alcohol and eventually a pregnancy. I was awful. I turned out ok! Repaired my relationship with my parents, sorted myself out, and I'm a happy and healthy adult now with my own little family. Some teens just seem to find it harder than others to come out the other side. He may still come good in the end.

horseyhorsey17 · 09/08/2023 13:08

It doesn't sound to me like you've spoiled your kids - if you have, then I am too - that's just the usual MN judginess.

15 is an unattractive age in boys though. My son is 14 and although he's not interested in weed or vaping (he is uber sporty) and actually is generally a good kid at home, he is naughty at school (but clever so he gets away with it) and can be really challenging. I think it's partly because - as I am a single mum - he subconsciously feels the need to be 'the man' in the house, and so sometimes we have an authority clash as I am not having that. I don't have any magical answers, but don't give up on him just yet, he can still come good.

zoemum2006 · 09/08/2023 13:09

I don’t think you’ve spoilt him. The things you’ve provided sound pretty standard.

I used to be a secondary teacher at a boys school and those who’d been abandoned by their fathers really took it out on their mums and had a general disrespect of women. It’s like they blame the ones who stay because the anger is too much to direct where it belongs.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

15 year olds Families
Plutonium7000 · 09/08/2023 13:11

OP I have a close family member who was exactly the same. There were a rough few years but family remained supportive (believe me, it was difficult) and they came out the other side an absolutely lovely person who treats their mother extremely well.

Not necessarily your fault, you've done/are doing your best. Rant away.

museumum · 09/08/2023 13:11

My little brother was a weed-smoking wanker at 15. He failed so many college courses and tried and gave up so many jobs it was crazy. Throughout this all he worked as a kp in a local hotel kitchen. Eventually, in his 20s, he gave kitchen jobs a proper go, moved up the levels gradually, trained on the job by pretty hard-nosed chefs, travelled a bit working as a chef and he's now a well adjusted, settled, quite talented chef.
I've no advice, except don't give up. He can get through this. If you can push him into a pt job with adults he respects (or who demand respect from him) then do so. Good luck.

TheaBrandt · 09/08/2023 13:12

Had a conversation with a very wise elderly lady recently who said looking back at her own dc and grandsons that 14-15 are the hardest ages. I think she is right. Several friends are in exact the same boat op. Just hope they come through the other side.

Heatherbell1978 · 09/08/2023 13:13

smartiesnskittles · 09/08/2023 12:39

No more private school. The money can replace things busted up at home. State school and no privileges will do your child just fine.

Keen to understand how moving a 15 year old during his exam years, away from his friendship groups and into an unfamiliar education environment will solve all of OPs problems? Or is this just classic MN private school hatred.

Mydietstartstomorrow · 09/08/2023 13:16

Op please don’t pay attention to the judgey “oh my Tarquin is perfect and never does a thing wrong” posters that have littlies and no idea about teenagers. It’s rough. Mine is nearly 18 and starting to show a little compassion again but the weed is a problem they just don’t see.
Theres a great facebook page- Raising teenage boys is hard - that is very helpful and better than the twatish judgement you get on here

Brexile · 09/08/2023 13:16

FoodFann · 09/08/2023 11:14

Absent father.

BS. How many kids of single parents are weed-smoking vandals? My DD2 (14) is rude but nothing like the OP has to put up with.

OP, this is not remotely normal behaviour. Can he go into care? Some kind of residential facility?

FlamingYam · 09/08/2023 13:17

I have a 12 yo and I have tried to give her everything I didn't have, sounds like you have also tried to do the best but for some reason it just hasn't worked that way.

I tried to right all my parents wrongs and I know they did a little of that with me but it turns out you just make new wrongs for them to fix with their kids.

horseyhorsey17 · 09/08/2023 13:18

Heatherbell1978 · 09/08/2023 13:13

Keen to understand how moving a 15 year old during his exam years, away from his friendship groups and into an unfamiliar education environment will solve all of OPs problems? Or is this just classic MN private school hatred.

Show quote history

There's always a bunch of bad faith posters like the one above on posts like this. They seem incandescent at the thought of people enjoying any kind of privilege whatsoever. Probably Daily Mail readers.

FartSock5000 · 09/08/2023 13:19

@parentingdisappointment the next time he smashes up your home call the Police and let him finally deal with the consequences of his poor choices.

I don't know anyone else with teens who has allowed this level of disrespect. If he doesn't have consequences, why would he stop? He knows he can get away with anything because you take the path of least resistance.

At 15 he knows exactly what he is doing. He's not a child anymore.

You have to see to yourself before you can help anyone else. Let him fall. You can be there to help build him back up but you have to let go so he understands that actions have repercussions.

He's only a few years off being an adult and you wouldn't want him treating a girlfriend like this. That is domestic abuse and he'll end up in prison if he pulls the same shyte at 18 as he does now.

horseyhorsey17 · 09/08/2023 13:20

Brexile · 09/08/2023 13:16

BS. How many kids of single parents are weed-smoking vandals? My DD2 (14) is rude but nothing like the OP has to put up with.

OP, this is not remotely normal behaviour. Can he go into care? Some kind of residential facility?

Show quote history

Is IS actually pretty normal. It was normal when I was a teenager in the 90s, and it's still normal now. Half the boys I was friends with then smoked a load of weed (and the rest) and failed their A-levels. Most of them have gone on to sort their lives out, hold down decent jobs and have kids of their own.

Zebedee999 · 09/08/2023 13:20

parentingdisappointment · 09/08/2023 10:57

I went into parenting with such great intentions. At every step, I sought advice and pushed myself to meet my children's needs and as many of their wants as I could. Their dad left when the younger one was born and although he continued to see them weekly, for two hours at a time, has been of very little support. No family help so mostly it has been just me.

Like so many parents, I have been conscientious about their welfare and education. I have tried to give them as many opportunities as possible - music lessons, sports clubs, art classes, theatre school - anything at all they expressed interest in so they could get a wide range of experiences from which to develop interests.

I researched education to great lengths and managed to fund private schooling for their secondary years.

Even though I have long struggled to provide, often down to less than $10 in my bank account by Friday, I busted a gut to take them on holidays - to the beaches, to the mountains, to hotels, to campgrounds - again, trying to give them lots of experiences.

At home I tried to maintain routines to keep them feeling cosy and secure - bedtimes with stories (when they were little), pudding nights, Sunday morning pancakes, eating dinner together every evening, that sort of thing.

And here I am... my youngest is 15 and he is rude, so rude, addicted to vaping and weed, constantly in trouble at school, doing bare minimum school work, and frankly has very few redeeming features. When he doesn't get what he wants, he is quick to anger using violence. He has smashed up the home so many times.

I am not wanting advice or expecting solutions. So long as he is taking drugs he is going to be unreasonable, I understand this. But I just want to write this down. I find it difficult to imagine him emerging from this a. alive and b. functioning well. I have dug deep to try to accept him for who he is, to be patient, to get him to engage with support services, but sometimes I just look at him and think god what an absolute brat, I can only imagine how irritated they must be with him at school and in the wider world.

So yeah, this is parenting. Really over it. The End.

I'm aghast some are blaming you! You have been the perfect parent in my view, so many kids would love the upbringing you have provided. I have worked with under priveleged kids and they'd give their right arm for what you have provided, shame on those here blaming you.
Only thing I can suggest is getting some ex, now reformed, offender to talk to them. Someone who has done all the things yoru lad is doing now but come out the other end with lessons learnt. Your lad won't listen to you, teens don't like listening to their parents.

isthismylifenow · 09/08/2023 13:21

Brexile · 09/08/2023 13:16

BS. How many kids of single parents are weed-smoking vandals? My DD2 (14) is rude but nothing like the OP has to put up with.

OP, this is not remotely normal behaviour. Can he go into care? Some kind of residential facility?

Show quote history

You cannot be serious....

JammyThing · 09/08/2023 13:21

OP: I've done everything I can as a lone parent to give my child a safe, secure and happy childhood but he's gone off the rails.

MN: You've spoiled him! This is what happens when there's an absent father. You've overcompensated! It's your fault!

FFS. God forbid a woman might have just done her absolute best to be a good parent and give her kids the best life she could, by herself. God forbid she might get support and compassion from other parents when things are extra difficult.

Particularly enjoying all the smug comments from parents of young children who haven't dealt with the teenage years yet and whose children will definitely be perfectly behaved at 15. 🙄

OP, solidarity. Being a single parent is a bloody tough gig. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it must be exhausting and soul destroying. I hope things improve, and soon.

TheaBrandt · 09/08/2023 13:23

Parents of 7 year olds shouldn’t even comment on parenting teens.

It’s like those fitness influencers boasting that they look great at 22. Come back at 52 love then I’ll be impressed.

Brexile · 09/08/2023 13:25

isthismylifenow · 09/08/2023 13:21

You cannot be serious....

Show quote history

No, of course not! He should just keep abusing his family and smashing things up with zero consequences and everyone turning the other cheek forever! After all, it's not as if other people have rights, or as if he's soon going to be grown up and exposed to the adult justice system.

studentgrant · 09/08/2023 13:26

@JammyThing hear hear!!

willWillSmithsmith · 09/08/2023 13:27

JammyThing · 09/08/2023 13:21

OP: I've done everything I can as a lone parent to give my child a safe, secure and happy childhood but he's gone off the rails.

MN: You've spoiled him! This is what happens when there's an absent father. You've overcompensated! It's your fault!

FFS. God forbid a woman might have just done her absolute best to be a good parent and give her kids the best life she could, by herself. God forbid she might get support and compassion from other parents when things are extra difficult.

Particularly enjoying all the smug comments from parents of young children who haven't dealt with the teenage years yet and whose children will definitely be perfectly behaved at 15. 🙄

OP, solidarity. Being a single parent is a bloody tough gig. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it must be exhausting and soul destroying. I hope things improve, and soon.

👏🏻👏🏻 spot on. Fellow single parent who parented teens alone.

FrogandToadAreFriends · 09/08/2023 13:28

OP my friend is going through this, she has 4 children who she raised beautifully. 3 of them are successful, happy, productive members of society who express gratitude and kindness and light up her life. 1 of them is an absolute tit. He is also addicted to weed. They have done everything possible to try to get him help (including tough love) ultimately he moved out at 18 because he wasn't able to meet their conditions for living at home (attend therapy, work towards sobriety, apply for jobs.) The trouble is that weed today is thousands of times stronger than it used to be and it truly affects people's brain chemistry. I'm so sorry you're going through this, get all the support you can from official services and also from places like al-anon for families. I hope today is a better day.

studentgrant · 09/08/2023 13:28

I think the first few posts are talking utter crap.

However I would stop pocket money or whatever if he spends it on that. And no phone if he won't go to school/do the basics.

ssd · 09/08/2023 13:28

Jamtartforme · 09/08/2023 11:03

You spoiled them. Stop meeting their ‘needs’ and start meeting your own.

This exactly

Freddiefox · 09/08/2023 13:32

Op, ask yourself, is there anything you can do to stop him? Probably nothing that will be positive for either you or him.
all you can do is hope for the best and be kind to yourself.

Sounds like you’ve worked your arse off to be a good parent.

Elephantsdontlikechocolate · 09/08/2023 13:32

Is it the area you are in? That can drag you down despite nest efforts.