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Original poster

My 15yo is a rude, uneducated fool. Yes of course this is my responsibility but I still want to complain about it.

270 replies

parentingdisappointment · 09/08/2023 10:57

I went into parenting with such great intentions. At every step, I sought advice and pushed myself to meet my children's needs and as many of their wants as I could. Their dad left when the younger one was born and although he continued to see them weekly, for two hours at a time, has been of very little support. No family help so mostly it has been just me.

Like so many parents, I have been conscientious about their welfare and education. I have tried to give them as many opportunities as possible - music lessons, sports clubs, art classes, theatre school - anything at all they expressed interest in so they could get a wide range of experiences from which to develop interests.

I researched education to great lengths and managed to fund private schooling for their secondary years.

Even though I have long struggled to provide, often down to less than $10 in my bank account by Friday, I busted a gut to take them on holidays - to the beaches, to the mountains, to hotels, to campgrounds - again, trying to give them lots of experiences.

At home I tried to maintain routines to keep them feeling cosy and secure - bedtimes with stories (when they were little), pudding nights, Sunday morning pancakes, eating dinner together every evening, that sort of thing.

And here I am... my youngest is 15 and he is rude, so rude, addicted to vaping and weed, constantly in trouble at school, doing bare minimum school work, and frankly has very few redeeming features. When he doesn't get what he wants, he is quick to anger using violence. He has smashed up the home so many times.

I am not wanting advice or expecting solutions. So long as he is taking drugs he is going to be unreasonable, I understand this. But I just want to write this down. I find it difficult to imagine him emerging from this a. alive and b. functioning well. I have dug deep to try to accept him for who he is, to be patient, to get him to engage with support services, but sometimes I just look at him and think god what an absolute brat, I can only imagine how irritated they must be with him at school and in the wider world.

So yeah, this is parenting. Really over it. The End.

OP posts:
theyareonlynoodlesmichael · 09/08/2023 11:59

OP, you sound like you have given your children a wonderful upbringing. I think no parent is exempt from the possibility of terrible arsehole teenage years. Take faith that he should come out on the other side because you have laid such solid foundation.

I have no idea how to manage the insolent teenage years as I am still in the toddler years, but I certainly remember being a dickhead as a 14 year old. Hopefully you get some decent advice on the practicalities of managing this stage.

Titicacacandle · 09/08/2023 11:59

My msg wasn't because the first poster said that. Mine was because OP has said:

Even though I have long struggled to provide, often down to less than $10 in my bank account by Friday, I busted a gut to take them on holidays - to the beaches, to the mountains, to hotels, to campgrounds - again, trying to give them lots of experiences

And she calls him a brat herself. She has put his wants and needs first in an unhealthy but understandable way.

My 16yr old weirdly gets more spoilt and obnoxious the nicer I am and the more I do. The less I do the nicer he is and the less he expects, so person experience added in as well.

Notthecarwashagain · 09/08/2023 12:01

Your son doesn’t sound spoilt at all.
If you hadn’t added that information some people would have jumped to the assumption that you didn’t give him any time or attention, or made him feel unimportant growing up. You can’t win sometimes!

Sympathies!
My son has just discovered vaping. I never thought it would be something he would do as he has severe ocd- but always ready to surprise and exhaust!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

15 year olds Families
ScarlettDarling · 09/08/2023 12:05

I’ve re read the op thinking I must have missed the bit where the son has been spoiled but no, there’s no mention anywhere of spoiling him. Surely offering clubs, experiences, family time is what most good parents do?

Op, I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time with him and such unkind responses on here. No advice, just wanted to say I hear you.

HotPringles · 09/08/2023 12:06

Yes @Titicacacandle because the OP very much feels like it’s all her fault and responsibility.

When actually a lot if other things have come into play. The way his dad disappeared. How things have been at school. His own temperament. Who he ended up spending time with (very often not a conscious choice and dictated by where he lives etc… even if it’s a nice area). The coaches, teachers, educators he met along the way.

So yes you’ve helpfully highlighted how the OP feels. That’s not to mean that the reality, the truth or the only thing going on.
And insisting that yes she is right because she said herself she has fine too much blabla isn’t helpful either.

ladygindiva · 09/08/2023 12:07

FoodFann · 09/08/2023 11:14

Absent father.

Bollocks. I know of plenty of kids with fathers living in the home who behave like the ops kid, and plenty of children with absent fathers( my own included) who are nothing like it. To op, this sounds really hard. I have no advice but a word of reassurance, I was an absolute twat at 15, and put my ( married, living together) parents through hell. I grew out of it. Fwiw I was struggling at school and socially and basically found puberty and school very hard. Sounds like you've done a great job of looking after your kids, hang in there. Maybe see if your boy needs counseling ?

ItsJustNotHappening · 09/08/2023 12:09

I get you OP.

My son was absolutely lovely until he went to secondary school. He was a massive and unrelenting knob for about five or six years but has gone back to his normal and lovely self now - he's 19 next week. It's almost like he was taken over by aliens for a few years.

Hopefully your DS will do the same. It's shit when you're going through it though and his behaviour is very unlikely to be connected to anything you have done/not done. Some teenagers are just twats for a while.

Littlemissalone · 09/08/2023 12:09

OP, this is not your fault. You tried your best and that is all anyone can do. All children have their own personalities and some go off the rails. There will be plenty more children who had lovely childhoods who go off the rails. There will also be plenty of children who had awful childhoods who don't go off the rails.

It's not all down to parenting, it really really isn't. It's the child's personality that is the biggest influence.

jaspertown · 09/08/2023 12:09

My son was an absolute pain in the arse at that age. I don't think we had a conversation that wasn't an argument from the age of 14-17. He never got into drugs but he regularly turned up drunk and refused to do any school work. He broke my heart and I felt like such a failure. But he is 20 now and a lovely man, working a good job and living in his own flat, saves for holidays, keeps in touch with me and his Dad and treats his siblings. It will get better OP.

I do think that the pandemic had a huge impact on teenagers, too.

hamstersarse · 09/08/2023 12:09

I’ve brought to 2 boys pretty much alone, but one thing I realised.in their teen years was how much they need a good firm authoritative male role model.,

I nurtured the relationship with their dad, even directing him to ‘scare them’ after any minor incidents and encouraged good male role models as much as possible elsewhere which mainly consisted of family friends, sports coaches, but also podcasters like Joe Rogan, Jordan Peterson, even Andrew Tate (he would ar least call your son a loser!)

My firm belief is that young men only really listen to older authoritative men, we are the nurturers, and you have done that well! He needs firm tough male criticism to get him into line!

StopStartStop · 09/08/2023 12:10

OP, even perfect parents can have teenagers who are little shits. I don't blame you one bit. You haven't 'spoiled' them. You don't need a man in the house to raise children. Your son has grown up and is evidencing masculine characteristics.

Work out your own standards and boundaries, in light of the new situation. Explain them to him. Stick to them.

You will win (if you can stand the course) because he'll grow up. And with a bit of luck, he'll leave home 😉 Later still, he'll turn into a lovely person again.

You've put in the work, you will reap the benefits. This is just another phase.

PrivateSchoolTeacherParent · 09/08/2023 12:12

I meet loads of parents and children as part of my job. It is more common than you might suppose for one apple to fall very far from the tree (either way around!) even if the siblings resemble the parent. It's made me a lot less judgey about people (and about my own parenting). Hang on in there, OP!

Stumbleine · 09/08/2023 12:14

I'm not sure where in the the op's post people are getting that he has been spoiled Confused

hamstersarse · 09/08/2023 12:15

The data is pretty clear about absent fathers, it’s not a criticism, god I’d be one in the firing line, but it is an unfortunate fact that boys do better with a good male role model keeping them in line.

I don’t think this is ‘normal’ teen behaviour, smashing up the house and smoking weed all day

krustykittens · 09/08/2023 12:15

OP, lot of kids are shits at that age, no matter what their parent have or have not done. My daughter was a horror at that age but she grew out of it into a lovely person. I know it feels like a slap in the face after all your efforts but just hang on.

Summertiempo · 09/08/2023 12:16

theyareonlynoodlesmichael · 09/08/2023 11:35

How did everyone jump to 'Spoiled'?

Because OP had 10 quid in her account by the end of week as a result of spending on kids over her means. Private education, clubs, beach and mountain holidays and 10 in her bank account.

Goldbar · 09/08/2023 12:18

QforCucumber · 09/08/2023 11:32

@lking12 in what way?

DS is 7, he asks for things at the shops and is told no, what happens when he doesn't listen? Well he is still told no, and then we go home.

And there is an absolute reason he is told no at 7 for many many things, in the most part so he learns to hear it ready for when he's older. I wholly expect it to be harder then, but he will be familiar with the concept of it.

What a lot of sanctimonious drivel. Your child is 7, you can control what they do. Totally different to parenting teens.

OP, you haven't failed, you've given them a safe and happy childhood with lots of positive experiences. Your 15yo may be making bad choices now and you might not like the person he's become but hopefully this will prove to be a phase (albeit a very unpleasant one) that he can get through with the right support for you and him.

Jellycats4life · 09/08/2023 12:18

Oh dear OP. The responses you’re getting are probably because your post comes across as a wee bit boastful? So much detail about the breadth of opportunities and experiences you’ve given your kid: the extracurricular clubs, the holidays, the cosy home life, the expensive education.

I know the point you were trying to make - that parents as wonderful as you don’t deserve to produce a kid like yours - but I can see why this thread got off on the wrong foot.

lking12 · 09/08/2023 12:21

QforCucumber · 09/08/2023 11:32

@lking12 in what way?

DS is 7, he asks for things at the shops and is told no, what happens when he doesn't listen? Well he is still told no, and then we go home.

And there is an absolute reason he is told no at 7 for many many things, in the most part so he learns to hear it ready for when he's older. I wholly expect it to be harder then, but he will be familiar with the concept of it.

I mean a 15 yr old of course you can tell a 7 yr old no. It’s a different matter with a 25 yr old boy/man.

NancyJoan · 09/08/2023 12:21

Doesn’t sound like you’ve spoilt him to me. Extra curriculars, family meal times and interesting trips all sound like great parenting, and unlikely to cause violent outbursts.

Does he see his Dad at all? I wouldn’t want to live with a young man, likely taller than me, who is prone to violence, so if he could have some time with Dad that might be best.

lking12 · 09/08/2023 12:24

I honestly don’t know how much is a right if passage as a teenager and nature versus nurture.
Is his Dad similar?
I think you have to ride it out but I have no strategies for a disobedient lad. What do you do to punish them effectively that makes any difference when they’re 15? It’s tough. Praying my little ones give me an easier ride!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/08/2023 12:24

Bonjovispjs · 09/08/2023 11:22

Totally agree with what others have said. You spoilt him and this is the result.

Don't do enough - woman's fault
Do too much - woman's fault

Whose fault does it never seem to be? The father who fucked off.

Also, I'm not seeing where she actually spoiled him? Annual holiday, bedtime stories and busting her arse to fund private school are probably quite normal in MN world.

RJnomore1 · 09/08/2023 12:26

Most 15yo are arseholes to an extent even the nice ones.

Two things jump out, the consequences for his violence and where is the money coming from for his smoking and vaping?

It’s incredibly hard when you’ve knocked your pan in for them and they just don’t appreciate it. Hopefully he grows up and out of it.

lking12 · 09/08/2023 12:28

lking12 · 09/08/2023 12:21

I mean a 15 yr old of course you can tell a 7 yr old no. It’s a different matter with a 25 yr old boy/man.

Show quote history

15 yr old I mean

RitzyMcFitzy · 09/08/2023 12:28

This, this, this. How on earth anyone can tell with such certainty that OP has spoilt her child from this post is beyond me. The things she mentioned are lovely parts of normal family life!

Agree. Baffled by all the people confidently stating the son's behaviour is a result of having being spoilt by the OP 🤔