How is everyone else surviving in this day and age!?

[Mummyrere]

I’m just so mind blown how other people are living -

I see so many people with mortgages, going on holidays, having nice cars etc etc and there jobs are obviously not that well paid! My partner works really hard and brings home £5000 a month. It doesn’t work out beneficial for me to go back to work as I have a one year old and the childcare is about the same as I would earn - now we are scrimping and saving, struggling to save each month, getting absolutely rinsed paying rent (in not even an expensive place!) and we can’t afford a mortgage, and really doesn’t look like we ever would be able to. It’s very depressing and I’m feeling so sorry for my partner who is working hard. I’m considering getting an evening and a weekend job but that would mean I would never see my partner as he’s back so late, and to be honest it wouldnt even make too much of a difference to us. I just feel like why is this fair? When he’s in a well paid job he’s worked years in that we’re in this position when other people seem to be living it up!? Ahhh just having a stress tonight!

Can you break down the bills a bit more? £3k on rent and bills seems really high when you say it's not an expensive area. I don't think our 360k mortgage and bills on our 5 bedroom house is even that much! And £1k total on travel!!!! Is he self employed? Because if not why doesn't his employer cover travel to his non base locations? And if he is then his take home isn't £5k at all as you should take expenses like travel into account.

Agree.

And yet you’re supposed to EBF and co-sleep until they’re 3… 😂

When my dc were babies/toddlers/preschool, I got an evening and weekend job to tide us over, meant we weren't paying out for childcare, but the second income helped a huge deal. Even just working a couple of long shifts a week and an evening or two in a minimum wage job could bring in around £1k extra, so as long as all those hours don't need to be covered by paid childcare (i.e working around your partners hours) you will be earning and bringing in some additional income. Yes, it wasn't that fun literally handing over the baby as DH got home and then rushing out to work myself, plus spending weekends serving families having happy days out, when I was stuck at work, but you know what... it paid the bills, and gave us some extra cash, so when I did book the odd weekend off, or took holiday, we could afford to make the most of the time we got together and really made the most of it. Now the kids are at school I fit work in around their school day, and one day at the weekend, so although still not working full time hours, I manage to do about 30 a week. It gives us an extra £1000 a month that we save for holidays, days out, end of term treats, birthdays, xmas etc. Some mums I know choose not to work, and that's completely up to them, but it is hard to bite my tongue when they moan about lack of money, and how lucky me and DH are to be able to afford nice things, holidays etc. One mum actually said to me the other week how nice it must be to "be a kept woman" with a DH who earns enough to support us all?! Yes, DH works hard and earns very well, but if I didn't work, we wouldn't be able to afford to live as comfortably as we do. I may not earn a great deal, and don't get a great hourly wage, but it all adds up at the end of the month, and I'm proud to be contributing to help us live our lifestyle, even if it's not a huge amount. It makes the difference between just getting by, and being able to afford little luxuries, not having to worry about every penny. In short op, I would definitely look for a job you can work around your partners hours, every bit helps, and once your child is two, if you're doing over 16 hours you can apply for free childcare funding.

@Namddf yes I have a car but rarely use it as I now cycle to work mostly, tax is free, insurance very cheap and great on fuel, I'm dating but pay my own bills/have my own 3 bed house. I have pets and insurance but that's all covered in the £1,000 bills.

Breaks are all under £800 each including spending money, I have bonds and savings because I've always been good with money (grew up with very little so have never really splurged on things apart from my car which I bought new a number of years ago). Touch wood nothing really needs fixing.. I did the kitchen 5 years ago and decorated throughout. Apart from the odd touch up I'd say I'm good? But again have savings in place if something were to crop up?

Not sure if that answered all of your questions it wouldn't let me quote my comment/respond.

I managed to EBF, co-slept and still feeding at 2 years old, 3rd child in a 5 year period, did the same with my older two too. I work ft, granted I wfh but I managed it, it is possible to do both. Hard but possible.

Haven’t read the full thread by read your posts and updates op - I stopped at “£3000 bills and rent” - that’s huge huge huge. That’s why you can’t afford a mortgage - you could on paper but the money is being poured into other things! I’d be doing whatever possible to get a handle on spending and reorganise our lives so we could make saving more an absolute priority. £5k a month salary is big!!

From what I've seen, those who are the most passionate and vocal on here about extended breastfeeding and co-sleeping are usually SAHM's. With some exceptions, of course.

I have never done either.

For £3k rent & bills I assume you are close to London but the salary isn't high enough to be a role in the City. I would seriously be thinking move out. Surely there is an equivalent role in Birmingham/Leeds/other city where you could rent for less and save on the train?

What's your rent like if you're paying 3k on bills? How big a house? I think that's one area to look at, where can you cut back and are you over paying?

The other thing is the 1k a month on travel - that really isn't typical so it's one of the areas you're spending that other families aren't. As baby is little and you don't work, i'd seriously look at moving closer

@Narwhalsh it is 35 years contribution and as an aside unless changed it is 12 years for NI contributions based on child benefit as a max.

We do it by being older as it was easier due to house prices being less crazy, within 2 years our house had doubled in value, but we also had an investment pay out and it paid off the last 2/3 of our mortgage. We had only had our mortgage for 5 years and had no early redemption fee. It changed the course of our lives completely.

the point in ops case tho is did you have a career or a job, and did you earn more than childcare? if childcare costs you 1k and you earn 1.1k doing a job with little to no prospects, it isn't necessarily worth it. if you're earning 2k and have career prospects, it is

Having financial independence is always worth it - particularly if you aren’t married.

£5000 is more than double the average UK gross monthly pay. When you had a combined salary can we assume you were grossing £7,500 to £8k per month? Why didn’t you save for a mortgage? Few with mortgages were gifted their deposits.

@Indigotree empathy for what exactly? OP seems to be in a very privileged position whereby she can stay at home with her DC. Where's the empathy for all the parents who would love to spend more time at home with their DC and can't

Oh my goodness. 3k for rent and bills in lots of places in the SE is not outrageous!! A small place here is 2k!
Most of you have clearly never lived in the SE!!!

Quite.

The high rental costs is one thing - might be inevitable in London.

The whopping transport costs is another thing entirely- that’s a season ticket on a commuter line into London.

So why pay both?

@notahappybunny7 that's a very judgemental response to @LaurieFairyCake. She explained why.

I'm in my 60s and cheating lying ex husbands with DV and 2 of 4 children with severe MH issues mean that having had mortgages in the past, I ended up in rented.

Fir me, that's how on Earth.

you need to move to a smaller/ cheaper place or closer to your husband's work so you don't have to pay train fare. That's the only answer! And you need to work. Childcare might be expensive when DC is little but it gets better when they are at school, so if you find something close to school you could make it work.

I'm single parent and my income/ rent+bills proportionally the same as yours but I don't pay for train and I don't have a car. so can afford a few nice things.

That’s quite a lot of money coming in. Who is telling you he can’t afford a mortgage? Be careful giving up your income as you say partner so I assume you’re not married. Childcare costs should be split.

Who is telling you he can’t afford a mortgage?

It's likely the deposit required to secure a mortgage that's the issue.

It would take so, so long (I know as we're trying) to save the deposit required for a 2 bed in many places in the UK (not just london) while also renting.

We could afford a mortgage. We don't have the deposit necessary to secure one. Nowhere near. So we're stuck renting. And high rent is the reason we can't save enough for a mortgage. And round and round the cycle goes.

@Vettrianofan

what part of my post did you not understand?

OP you should have posted saying that you had a combined income of 5K if you wanted practical advice instead of a pile on from posters who resent anybody having the supposed 'luxury' of being a SAHM or posters falling over themselves to tell you how foolish you are and/or their worst nightmare would be being a SAHM!

Your rent is very high? Is it possible to move somewhere else to free up some money? Our household income after tax (5000 + 1000 (part-time) is a little more than your income but we are a family of four. It is hard to manage it partly because we aren't strict enough to meal plan (we spend more than twice what you spend on food). Our mortgage/life cover is half what yours is though. We save approx 600 pounds a month and that is taken by standing order the day after we are paid.
We holidayed this year in a cheap country and by taking the children out of school, we paid less than a third of what the same holiday costs in August.
We order takeaway once a month if that and only eat in restaurants for special occasions e.g birthdays . I get my hair done every eleven/twelve weeks instead of every six weeks. We don't go out with friends to socialise and at most share a bottle a wine once a month. By the last week of the month, we have very little in our bank account. We manage for the most part but large bills e.g. car insurance (we run two cars) stress us completely. We put a lot on credit cards which we pay off in small amounts only to spend it again two months later.

I'm not sure if that answers your question or not.

3k on rent and bills is insane. That's almost my husband and I's incomes combined, we have two children + holidays + luxuries above £100.

When there’s 2 high earning couples let’s say OP husband earns £90k based on what she has said and she’s on £50/60k for arguments sake. That’s still £140/50,000 a month - they shouldn’t struggle to get a mortgage on that salary. Yes deposit is required, but depends how expensive the house they want and with those salaries bank are more likely to be flexible and see the money. As they have potential to earn higher… And on that salary if you live frugally you can save enough for a deposit.

£300 on petrol then £700 on train is not frugal life style. And if he has to travel for work, work should be paying for travel

A year* sorry it’s past midnight and I clearly need sleep