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Original poster

Inviting my brothers ex wife not his new girlfriend...

241 replies

year12clueless · 02/08/2023 00:39

My brother and his wife of 23 years recently divorced. They have older teen children at uni. As far as divorces go it was amicable- there's always some hurt feelings but they've been very adult about it and are co-parenting amazingly.

Brother has a new much younger girlfriend (she's 31, he's 49) who seems lovely, who his sons like and who is trying really hard to integrate into the family. No overlap in the relationships.

My DD is 18 in a few weeks. I'm having a family party for grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunts. I would like to invite my ex sister in law. We're still very friendly- our children were born at the same time and we've parented them together, holidayed together and supported each other for the last 20 years. She's been a big part of DDs life as well. All our family and my husbands family know and like her as well.

My brother has said that it's entirely up to me and DD who we invite and he'll come regardless but that his new partner won't come if his ex is coming as she feels it could be awkward. He's said that it'll be hard on her seeing how well his old wife fits in with the family. She absolutely understands the situation and no pressure is being placed but I feel bad for her- she's lovely and her and my brother are very happy and it looks like she will be one day be officially part of the family.

-We want ex SIL to attend for good reasons
-Don't want to upset nice new girlfriend
-Brother feels awkward
-My parents are worrying that new girlfriend will think we don't like her. -And also that ex SIL will think we don't still love her.

  • Should we insist on both?

Honestly what would people do?

OP posts:
Donmicmicmic · 02/08/2023 19:34

Perhaps try putting a couple of bottles of quality wine in an upstairs bedroom, dim the lights, light a romantic candle, put on some romantic music and suggest that your brother, his ex and his new girlfriend retreat to the bedroom together in order to spend a loving evening and night together, which should help to resolve their problems via the elevated consciousness that frequently arises from deep intimacy?

Lineofbestfit · 02/08/2023 19:37

OP you seem like an absolute dream family. Could you speak to your brother’s new partner and say how much you’d like her to come? Reassure her it’s not a token invite? She’s going to have to deal with this at weddings/graduations etc in the future so it starts somewhere?

Sineadjb · 02/08/2023 19:49

Invite all then it's rhein call say you want them all to be there I'd invite all three and then explain how u understand the awkwardness but all been a part of dds life in different ways so not fair for u to make the decision. Then new Gf won't come and u can all go out for a family dinner together the week before or after to celebrate again without ex Sil and née gd won't feel left out :)

Josell12345 · 02/08/2023 19:56

If its a big do with quite a few people both could attend and sit separately. We have had a few couples in my family who split and mostly ex's dont stay involved except on a 1 to 1 basis but parties are different and whilst I wouldnt push either to attend Id invite both and then its up to them. It shouldnt be so hard after 2 yrs together. 1st times always the worst. Maybe ask new partner if she would come for a bit and if shes not comfortable shes free to leave. Its a shame not to work something out if theres no animosity and no crossover.

Notmygreen · 02/08/2023 19:57

AIBot · 02/08/2023 09:07

I would invite the new GF and not the ex wife. Families change.

I agree. Why to make it awkward for your brother and his new partner? Your ex sister in law should get used to not being invited to family events as she is not family anymore.

EspanolSiesta · 02/08/2023 20:04

Invite both, it's up to the new girlfriend if she comes or not but in my opinion, she needs to get over her issues and start building her own relationships within the family.

LolaSmiles · 02/08/2023 20:05

She's my friend, the mother of my lovely nephews and DDs lovely cousins, and the person who did a lot of the running around and driving to appointments for my parents during my mums cancer treatment. She will always be family.
This is lovely. It's nice to have relationships with in laws separate to the spouse you know them through.

Ultimately neither your brother, not his girlfriend, get to dictate (explicitly or by being awkward and refusing to attend on principle) who is invited to social occasions. Even if there's no malice, you say she's lovely, by saying she won't attend if his ex wife is there she is the one making family gatherings awkward if she can't come into contact with his ex after a few years.

Is she really going to avoid every family gathering until the family start freezing out their friend/former DIL/aunt?

WildUnchartedWaters · 02/08/2023 20:08

Having re read it tho, would sil feel awkward around the girlfriend? Or does the girlfriend feel awkward?I can see why she would around someone so loved by the family.

A slightly different scenario but my ex partner was previously bereaved but still did a lot of extended family things. I wouldnt ever have felt able to attend and it ended our relationship.

Equally, my aunties long term partner died very sadly but her ex and her new partner were fundamental in supporting my family.

You do, not in the sarky way, sound lovely Op. I hope it works out.

Wobbly99 · 02/08/2023 20:08

I was in this exact situation (as the new much younger GF) and I attended many parties with my Partners Ex Wife present. They were married for 23 years. Honestly, I wasn't entirely comfortable with it but I always attended the events and accepted invitations. She was lovely and we got on fine. I just accepted that they had always done things as a whole family and it would be upsetting for her not to be invited anymore just because I came along. Being young, all of my friends thought the situation was strange but that's part of what you sign upto when being with an older previously married man.

Yonderway · 02/08/2023 20:17

the ex wife isn’t actually your daughter’s aunty any more though is she? Just seen pps say this and if she’s now divorced from your brother she’s technically not. Right?
She will always be their cousins: mother so yes I think she stays her Auntie .
OP I think you should invite both. If the new girlfriend is going to be part of the family she will have to get used to going to events that include the ex wife.

Original poster
year12clueless · 02/08/2023 20:20

fireflyloo · 02/08/2023 16:56

Invite ex SIL. I wouldn't let my dc's birthday party be the place where ex and new gf meet. Let them do that for one of their own dc's/ family occasions.

They've met before. Once it was mooted that she'd move in once her lease is up they met for coffee and a chat. Apparently awkward but civilised. Although my nephews are older they still split time home from uni between their parent's houses and new GF was very sensitive that (ex) SIL would want to know who was also living in the house.

Honestly I feel for GF. We've done a photo montage for DDs birthday and SIL is in so many pictures. Instigator of the drama in many of the funny stories. So much history. I don't think any reasonable person would enjoy that.

On the positive side SIL and my brother are both visibly and vocally much happier and there are few hard feelings. Sometimes people just change- over 20 years instead of growing together they grew apart. Their approaches to work and life changed in different directions. They wanted to live in different places, holiday differently, manage their lives differently. Together they were unhappy. Apart they're friendly. Everyone can see it.

We just need to manage the initial trickyness.....

OP posts:
Ialwaystry · 02/08/2023 20:21

This

Hillstreet · 02/08/2023 20:23

Invite both and let them decide whether to come based on that.

LawnmowerBlues · 02/08/2023 20:27

Neither.

Your ex SIL will have understood, upon divorce, that things would change. She shouldn't take it personally. She might even feel awkward to be invited. Make plans with her some other time to celebrate, perhaps in a way more personal to her (e.g. a place she and your DD used to go together).

The new GF... Well, tbh, I'd leave it up to your brother whether to bring her. She might find the prospect a bit intense, or she might be keen to come. I think it's for him to decide whether it's the right time for them. As his divorce was amicable and he understands the situation, I would trust him to make the best decision, whatever that might be.

And let go of this a bit... They all sound like sensible, decent adults who can cope. You don't have to compensate for the divorce. They know they are divorced. I have been to several big family dos (not even weddings or funerals, just parties) where ex wives were invited for similar reasons, and it was always bloody awkward for everyone else too. Much as the ex wife might still be loved by family members, it doesn't mean she needs to be turning up to her ex-husband's family dos. Especially when he has a new partner, who might be around for the long haul - I'd respect that.

WildUnchartedWaters · 02/08/2023 20:37

LawnmowerBlues · 02/08/2023 20:27

Neither.

Your ex SIL will have understood, upon divorce, that things would change. She shouldn't take it personally. She might even feel awkward to be invited. Make plans with her some other time to celebrate, perhaps in a way more personal to her (e.g. a place she and your DD used to go together).

The new GF... Well, tbh, I'd leave it up to your brother whether to bring her. She might find the prospect a bit intense, or she might be keen to come. I think it's for him to decide whether it's the right time for them. As his divorce was amicable and he understands the situation, I would trust him to make the best decision, whatever that might be.

And let go of this a bit... They all sound like sensible, decent adults who can cope. You don't have to compensate for the divorce. They know they are divorced. I have been to several big family dos (not even weddings or funerals, just parties) where ex wives were invited for similar reasons, and it was always bloody awkward for everyone else too. Much as the ex wife might still be loved by family members, it doesn't mean she needs to be turning up to her ex-husband's family dos. Especially when he has a new partner, who might be around for the long haul - I'd respect that.

Shes Ops family though.

scallopsrgreat · 02/08/2023 20:37

I find it quite bizarre that people are saying ex-SIL won't be you children's Aunty any more. Mother to their cousins make her an Aunty. But besides that she's been their "Aunty" for as long as they've lived. She doesn't just not exist.

When I was about 16 both my parents and my Aunt and Uncle split up. My Aunt was the sister of my father, so the blood relative. However my Uncle never stopped being my uncle even when my Aunt remarried and he remarried. So much history. I got two uncles for the price of one 😄. My mother has never stopped being the Aunt to my cousins either.

Invite them both. They both sound grown up enough to handle it.

LawnmowerBlues · 02/08/2023 20:54

@WildUnchartedWaters she is OP's family still, but I've seen it happen where a small number of people in the extended family basically don't want to accept the change, regardless of the effect on a) the blood-related ex-spouse and any new partner of theirs, b) others in the family who might be fond of the ex and wish her well, but find it awkward, and indeed c) the ex-spouse herself, who can find the whole experience more challenging than expected.

Maybe it is different in the OP's family and it will work fine for the ex to come to the party, I don't know. Maybe she could chat to her brother and see what he thinks, and maybe he could be the one to see what his ex thinks about it too. For me personally, it feels wrong to go around him.

(I have never been the new GF or the ex-wife in this scenario, in case you're wondering!)

WildUnchartedWaters · 02/08/2023 20:55

LawnmowerBlues · 02/08/2023 20:54

@WildUnchartedWaters she is OP's family still, but I've seen it happen where a small number of people in the extended family basically don't want to accept the change, regardless of the effect on a) the blood-related ex-spouse and any new partner of theirs, b) others in the family who might be fond of the ex and wish her well, but find it awkward, and indeed c) the ex-spouse herself, who can find the whole experience more challenging than expected.

Maybe it is different in the OP's family and it will work fine for the ex to come to the party, I don't know. Maybe she could chat to her brother and see what he thinks, and maybe he could be the one to see what his ex thinks about it too. For me personally, it feels wrong to go around him.

(I have never been the new GF or the ex-wife in this scenario, in case you're wondering!)

I dont disagree, but equally he needs to accept he brought this woman into the family for a long time and people welcomed and love her. If there was cheating etc fair enough but why should tbe extended family suffer because they dont work anymore?

Floralnomad · 02/08/2023 21:00

If your brother and his ex can manage to be civil and be in the same space then I think the gf is being a bit of a drama llama , invite them all and if she chooses not to come then that’s her loss .

LawnmowerBlues · 02/08/2023 21:05

Well, @WildUnchartedWaters ... To "why should the extended family suffer", I'd say the extended family need to accept that it's not about them, that two people got divorced and will have their own messy feelings about that (amicable as it may be), and that's more important than whether or not you see Auntie Sarah at an 18th birthday party. I honestly don't know what is best for the two ex-spouses here (or the new GF), but I do think the extended family need to accept that they won't necessarily see "Sarah" at every occasion that they would have done, and that it's not the end of the world. Hopefully "Sarah" also accepts that, and the family can continue to have a relationship that just looks a bit different than it used to. It might actually take some pressure off "Sarah" too. Obviously I don't know this family, so that's just my general perspective.

Original poster
year12clueless · 02/08/2023 22:40

scallopsrgreat · 02/08/2023 20:37

I find it quite bizarre that people are saying ex-SIL won't be you children's Aunty any more. Mother to their cousins make her an Aunty. But besides that she's been their "Aunty" for as long as they've lived. She doesn't just not exist.

When I was about 16 both my parents and my Aunt and Uncle split up. My Aunt was the sister of my father, so the blood relative. However my Uncle never stopped being my uncle even when my Aunt remarried and he remarried. So much history. I got two uncles for the price of one 😄. My mother has never stopped being the Aunt to my cousins either.

Invite them both. They both sound grown up enough to handle it.

Exactly this. She will always be my children's aunt. She's family. Everyone including the new GF recognises the pivotal role she's had in our family for years and that can't be erased because she no longer wants to ski and do cycling holidays and DH doesn't want to be vegetarian (There's a lot more to their divorce. I'm summarising!) She was a rock when my mum was sick. I've seen her through a devastating late term miscarriage. She was the one who flagged my (to her) obvious depression after my second child and insisted I see someone- taking on an entire family who are a bit shit with any sort of weariness and advocating for me. Over the years we've been on 2 great holidays,one horrific villa in Ibiza, and a camping trip we all came home from early. She is family.

OP posts:
babybird123 · 02/08/2023 22:46

Invite them all and then it's up to them if they come or not. Not your problem.

SassyLogan666 · 02/08/2023 23:44

sentinent · 02/08/2023 01:04

The mother has to be at her daughter's 18th surely?

The ex is the SIL of the 18 year old not the mum x

SassyLogan666 · 02/08/2023 23:44

Sorry aunt of the 18 year old :)

WildUnchartedWaters · 03/08/2023 00:36

LawnmowerBlues · 02/08/2023 21:05

Well, @WildUnchartedWaters ... To "why should the extended family suffer", I'd say the extended family need to accept that it's not about them, that two people got divorced and will have their own messy feelings about that (amicable as it may be), and that's more important than whether or not you see Auntie Sarah at an 18th birthday party. I honestly don't know what is best for the two ex-spouses here (or the new GF), but I do think the extended family need to accept that they won't necessarily see "Sarah" at every occasion that they would have done, and that it's not the end of the world. Hopefully "Sarah" also accepts that, and the family can continue to have a relationship that just looks a bit different than it used to. It might actually take some pressure off "Sarah" too. Obviously I don't know this family, so that's just my general perspective.

Perhaps you should read the post below yours.