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Original poster

Inviting my brothers ex wife not his new girlfriend...

241 replies

year12clueless · 02/08/2023 00:39

My brother and his wife of 23 years recently divorced. They have older teen children at uni. As far as divorces go it was amicable- there's always some hurt feelings but they've been very adult about it and are co-parenting amazingly.

Brother has a new much younger girlfriend (she's 31, he's 49) who seems lovely, who his sons like and who is trying really hard to integrate into the family. No overlap in the relationships.

My DD is 18 in a few weeks. I'm having a family party for grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunts. I would like to invite my ex sister in law. We're still very friendly- our children were born at the same time and we've parented them together, holidayed together and supported each other for the last 20 years. She's been a big part of DDs life as well. All our family and my husbands family know and like her as well.

My brother has said that it's entirely up to me and DD who we invite and he'll come regardless but that his new partner won't come if his ex is coming as she feels it could be awkward. He's said that it'll be hard on her seeing how well his old wife fits in with the family. She absolutely understands the situation and no pressure is being placed but I feel bad for her- she's lovely and her and my brother are very happy and it looks like she will be one day be officially part of the family.

-We want ex SIL to attend for good reasons
-Don't want to upset nice new girlfriend
-Brother feels awkward
-My parents are worrying that new girlfriend will think we don't like her. -And also that ex SIL will think we don't still love her.

  • Should we insist on both?

Honestly what would people do?

OP posts:
Turfwars · 02/08/2023 14:24

Chat with your brother. This is a gentle way to ease his GF into family events where his EW will be there.

And GF might as well get used to it. There will be weddings and funerals and births and other family social events that they both will attend. So they might as well find out now when it's only been two years if GF can hack it at all or should she cut her losses.

If she doesn't want to come, that's fine. Her decision and certainly don't pander to the shite of having two celebrations or making it up to her at a later date - you'll tie yourself up in knots. This party is a good way to set a template for the future.

FWIW, my ex-SIL will always be my DS's aunt. She has been in his life since before he was born. She was called auntie before they married and will be called auntie after they divorce. She can choose to have any level of contact with our family that she feels comfortable with but we would always offer an invite.

Anon204 · 02/08/2023 14:59

Invite both, it's actually more likely that the ex wife will take a step back to avoid awkwardness with new gf and her ex husbands family, even if it is all amicable. It's not like her kids will be wanting to speak to her all night, they'll want to be with their friends.

Lavender14 · 02/08/2023 15:01

I'd invite both so you're being inclusive and let them decide what they want to do.

Original poster
year12clueless · 02/08/2023 15:41

Sorry- posted this late at night and then got sidetracked today.... answering done points and thank you for everyone who commented

OP posts:
Original poster
year12clueless · 02/08/2023 15:42

Scissor · 02/08/2023 00:44

Who does your daughter know? It's her birthday.

She'd like ex SIL who she loves AND new GF who is lovely and closer in age and fun

OP posts:
Original poster
year12clueless · 02/08/2023 15:42

Twoleftlegs · 02/08/2023 00:51

I’d invite them both and see if new girlfriend can be an actual grown up

It is all a bit awkward, but dating a bloke twenty years older with a whole history isn’t for the faint hearted. I’m her age, and at 29 this is exactly why i didn’t entertain older men with ex wives and big kids!

Ex SIL is your DC’s aunt. She will be part of your life as long as long as these generations of the family will socialise together, one day there will be drift - but that isn’t yet.

New GF absolutely shouldn’t expect to have ex wife round her flat for cups of tea or have to see her regularly regularly, but I think she needs to get a bit of a grip if she can’t attend a teen’s 18th birthday for fear of the ex and feeling awkward.

This is a great response. I like the bit about seeing how she responds.

OP posts:
Original poster
year12clueless · 02/08/2023 15:46

Ponderingwindow · 02/08/2023 01:06

Invite everyone

accept girlfriends decline
But if she expresses some doubt about attending, make it clear that all parties are welcome.

if the girlfriend really is going to be around for the long-haul, she is going to have to get used to being at family events with the ex-wife. Even if you weren’t including her in extended family events, she would still be at events for the shared children. This is a very low stakes way to test it out. Much less pressure than some other scenarios. Maybe mention that to your brother.

A few people have made the point about other events that will come up- potentially more high pressure ones and they're right. This will be low key and fun.

Thing is ex SIL will be at most of these events for the foreseeable future- 21st, graduations, weddings and christenings for her sons. This won't be uncommon.

We'd all LOVE it if she met some wildly handsome lovely chap to bring as well....

OP posts:
Original poster
year12clueless · 02/08/2023 15:47

Quitelikeacatslife · 02/08/2023 01:14

My parents split up when I was 16 and my mum was still welcomed at family events as was my aunty (by marriage separated) new wives eventually came as well . It's very important for kids I think that aunties and uncles don't just disappear out of the family . I was hugely worried as a teen of losing touch and your kids and cousins may feel the same. It would be nice if eventually new SIL could come too, that would be up to her.

Nice perspective. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
year12clueless · 02/08/2023 15:49

WandaWonder · 02/08/2023 01:25

Your OP is written like this is your own party, what does the 18yo want?

Ore of them, tons of Prosecco, her lovely cousins, no drama. She's not too cognisant of the potential undercurrents, largely due to the cracking job they did of depressing and co-parenting amicably.

OP posts:
Original poster
year12clueless · 02/08/2023 15:51

Alopeciabop · 02/08/2023 01:54

the ex wife isn’t actually your daughter’s aunty any more though is she? Just seen pps say this and if she’s now divorced from your brother she’s technically not. Right?

if the new wife gets married to him she will be their “aunty”? This is confusing.

obviously though your daughter knows her as her aunty and has done for her whole life so it doesn’t actually matter. Like everyone has said invite them both. Not your problem to sort out. And hopefully they’ll both be grown up, come and just have a nice time.

She's my friend, the mother of my lovely nephews and DDs lovely cousins, and the person who did a lot of the running around and driving to appointments for my parents during my mums cancer treatment. She will always be family.

OP posts:
WildUnchartedWaters · 02/08/2023 15:53

year12clueless · 02/08/2023 15:51

She's my friend, the mother of my lovely nephews and DDs lovely cousins, and the person who did a lot of the running around and driving to appointments for my parents during my mums cancer treatment. She will always be family.

Show quote history

My aunties partner was similar. No other party involved and she did loads for everyone. She now comes to things with her new partner and my auntie comes with hers.

Different if theres cheating but other than that, theres no reason not to get on with kt.

The girlfriend isnt at fault here.

momtoboys · 02/08/2023 15:53

This is the girlfriends problem. Either she puts on her big girl panties and starts attending events where the ex-wife will be or she misses out on a lot. It is one of the drawbacks to dating/living with a divorced man.

WildUnchartedWaters · 02/08/2023 15:54

year12clueless · 02/08/2023 15:46

A few people have made the point about other events that will come up- potentially more high pressure ones and they're right. This will be low key and fun.

Thing is ex SIL will be at most of these events for the foreseeable future- 21st, graduations, weddings and christenings for her sons. This won't be uncommon.

We'd all LOVE it if she met some wildly handsome lovely chap to bring as well....

Show quote history

As much I am too in the name of sisterhood, will you be checking with brother that hes okay with that? And if he says no, this man will just never come?

You set the precedence now.

WildUnchartedWaters · 02/08/2023 15:54

momtoboys · 02/08/2023 15:53

This is the girlfriends problem. Either she puts on her big girl panties and starts attending events where the ex-wife will be or she misses out on a lot. It is one of the drawbacks to dating/living with a divorced man.

No it isnt. It's the problem of who doesnt invite her. Shes not the one creating an issue.

Original poster
year12clueless · 02/08/2023 15:55

Milk2SugarsAndAShotOfYourFinestValium · 02/08/2023 07:50

As a stepmum to 2 who regularly attends events with DH’s ex, and did so back on the days when DH was not at all amicable with his ex, I think the GF needs to just accept there’s a period of tummy flipping hideousness that everyone has to get through for the kids. It sucks, but she’s 31 so old enough to woman up, freeze a smile in place and power through.

I would, personally, perhaps reach out to the GF and say you’d really love to see her there. I don’t think that would be pandering but she will feel so awkward and - despite all you’ve said - like she can never match up to the ex. So it would be really kind of you did. Of course, lots of people would slam such a suggestion because MN tends to hate the new GF, but from a human perspective I fully get her discomfort.

But overall, she needs to find a way to be in the same space as the ex at events.

Thank you for this. "Tummy flapping hideousness" is something I really wouldn't want for the GF who is lovely. It's reminded me I need to think about her as well.

OP posts:
Wellerman · 02/08/2023 16:32

Surprised that after two years your brothers gf still finds it awkward to be in the same presence as his ex wife especially as they separated so amicably. I would insist new gf attends as well as ex wife, they should all get on fine! If new gf doesnt go or makes things awkward for no reason then shes probably not the one for your bro...... hope your daughter has a fantastic birthday and all the grown ups make it all about her :) x

WildUnchartedWaters · 02/08/2023 16:42

Wellerman · 02/08/2023 16:32

Surprised that after two years your brothers gf still finds it awkward to be in the same presence as his ex wife especially as they separated so amicably. I would insist new gf attends as well as ex wife, they should all get on fine! If new gf doesnt go or makes things awkward for no reason then shes probably not the one for your bro...... hope your daughter has a fantastic birthday and all the grown ups make it all about her :) x

At no point does she say that. It's the sil who is the issue, or op overthinking it.

It is commented several times that gf is lovely and gets on great with the family.

curlywurlylover666 · 02/08/2023 16:48

Invite them both, it's really up to them if they come. Personally SIL is DD aunt, a huge part of her history and your friend, so I wouldn't exclude her or the girlfriend especially as uou all seem lovely and open to everyone with no agenda.

curlywurlylover666 · 02/08/2023 16:50

year12clueless · 02/08/2023 15:51

She's my friend, the mother of my lovely nephews and DDs lovely cousins, and the person who did a lot of the running around and driving to appointments for my parents during my mums cancer treatment. She will always be family.

Show quote history

1 100% LOVE this. She will always be family xxx

fireflyloo · 02/08/2023 16:56

Invite ex SIL. I wouldn't let my dc's birthday party be the place where ex and new gf meet. Let them do that for one of their own dc's/ family occasions.

BoohooWoohoo · 02/08/2023 16:59

I think that you should invite both but not comment/feel bad if new partner declines. New partner is obviously in an established relationship so isn't new but it's just a term to make it clear who I mean.

Wellerman · 02/08/2023 18:18

If you read the original post it says the new gf said she wont go to the party if the ex wife is going so definitely the new gfs issue not ex wife.... if they both get on with the family so well then i see no issue with both of them attending. Op's bro has been in a relationships with new gf for two years, i find it odd that she wouldnt go to a family party with ex wife... at 31 years old she should be grown up enough to just be polite and go.

WildUnchartedWaters · 02/08/2023 18:19

Wellerman · 02/08/2023 18:18

If you read the original post it says the new gf said she wont go to the party if the ex wife is going so definitely the new gfs issue not ex wife.... if they both get on with the family so well then i see no issue with both of them attending. Op's bro has been in a relationships with new gf for two years, i find it odd that she wouldnt go to a family party with ex wife... at 31 years old she should be grown up enough to just be polite and go.

Sorry I've such a nav habit of skimming ops

IAmKenough · 02/08/2023 18:30

@year12clueless you sound like a lovely ex sister in law and sister in law to be. They're all lucky to have family so fair and caring. Hope the party goes well.

Needmoresleepmorecoffee · 02/08/2023 19:01

In my view definitely don't insist on both coming. If the new GF doesn't want to come and people insist on it, that makes it much more awkward for her than it already is.