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Original poster

Was this a bit mean?

162 replies

IWillWatchTheDogs · 01/08/2023 06:31

Dd has some close friends. I'll call them Amy and Zoe.

Last week Amy's mum asked me if I could dog sit for her whilst she was away on holiday. I agreed to be kind, even though I'm not a huge fan of dogs and dislike walking them.

The day came and we agreed I would get the keys just before they left and I would take the dog straight out for a walk.

Dd wanted to come with me to say goodbye to Amy.

When we got there Zoe was sat in the car with Amy. They saw dd and waved. Dd went over to talk to them and when she came over to me looked upset. I asked her what was wrong and she said Zoe was going with Amy on holiday. Amy's mum confirmed this and I said oh that's a shame dd would have loved to have come if I knew you had spaces for friends and laughed. Amy's mum replied by saying oh sorry but I thought you and dd were watching the dog.

I was a bit surprised by this as dd has no interest in dogs, they know that. She only came to say goodbye to her friend and the dog sitting will just be me.

Whilst they were gone dd was sent loads of pictures of her friends having fun which made things worse.

Do you think this was a bit mean? The friends didn't mention anything before they left and dd only knew because she saw them when they were leaving. It was all kept a bit secret.

OP posts:
greenteaandmarshmallows · 01/08/2023 06:34

You were bang out of order. Amy has clearly chosen Zoe to go as her friend. You're ao unreasonable and put mum in a really awkward situation.

Yerroblemom1923 · 01/08/2023 06:36

@greenteaandmarshmallows Hi Amy's mum.

Hiddenvoice · 01/08/2023 06:36

It’s hard being In a group of 3 friends as 2 will always be closer and one will be left out. It was mean that neither of them had said before meaning they knew it would upset your dd.
I imagine Amy’s mum only had space and money to take one child which is fair enough. Do Any and Zoe know each other longer? Are their mums closer?

I’d encourage your dd to widen her friendship group. She can remain friends with the other 2 but for her own benefit, it would be good for her to have a wider circle of friends and more people to hang out with and rely on.

I say all this from experience of having 2 best friends and suddenly being the one that was excluded and left out. It meant that pe I always had to find my own partner or be on my own. Partner tasks it was always me that wasn’t picked first etc.

JustJoinedRightNow · 01/08/2023 06:37

I agree with the pp, there could be a number of reasons why Zoe was chosen over your DD to go on holidays with them. The passive aggressive “that’s a shame” comment was totally unwarranted.
I do agree that it hurts - they should have been more upfront but maybe they knew she would be upset?
Sending her lots of photos while away was mean though.

unlikelychump · 01/08/2023 06:37

That is a bit awkward but I don't think you should have said that! I'm cringing a bit.

I hope DD is ok, you don't say how old she is

Plbrookes · 01/08/2023 06:37

Yerroblemom1923 · 01/08/2023 06:36

@greenteaandmarshmallows Hi Amy's mum.

What an imaginative and hilarious post.

Anothernamethesamegame · 01/08/2023 06:41

I agree that friendship groups of 3 are often problematic. Thing is it very different taking 1 extra child on holiday than 2 so I can get why her mum allowed just one child.

I think in this situation they could have been a bit more sensitive by not asking you to dog sit when inevitably it would lead to the situation coming out and by not being secretive about the holiday. However I don’t think there is anything wrong with the family taking just 1 friend away with them.

If I were you I’d look at this through adult eyes and try to support your daughter through it. Sadly There will probably be other similar experiences so learning to managing things like this will be helpful for your DD.

Why did you agree to have the dog though if you aren’t bothered by dogs? I’d have just said no.

FawnFrenchieMum · 01/08/2023 06:42

Your comment was a bit unreasonable, most people can only realistically take one friend on holiday. The girls obviously realised your DD would be upset so didn’t tell her earlier. The photos are a bit mean, but they probably think now she knows that they might as well share what they are up to.

We are thinking of taking one of DDs friends with us for a few days. She has a small group of friends, hope none of the others behave like this if we do. (Although wouldn’t ask the others to dog sit either!)

Original poster
IWillWatchTheDogs · 01/08/2023 06:44

@Hiddenvoice my dd and Amy have been friends since they were 5, they're now 10. They made friends with Zoe about 2 years ago.

It seems like Amy and Zoe are getting closer and my dd is being pushed out more.

Next year dd will be moving up to secondary school so hopefully that will be her chance to meet new friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
IWillWatchTheDogs · 01/08/2023 06:46

Do you not think it was a bit mean of the mum though to expect us to dog sit whilst she takes the other friend on holiday?

Zoe has a pet dog so would have been a better option for dog sitting wouldn't she?

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 01/08/2023 06:48

@IWillWatchTheDogs Sadly that was the same with my 2 best friends. I’d know one for years and we only knew the third about a year when they two of them became closer. As an adult I can see they had more in common but it was still painful to be left out.

Encourage your dd to express her feelings and remind her it’s okay to feel upset and let down. When she’s ready ask her if there are any different groups she would like to be part of. Don’t just wait for high school to make new friends, encourage her to chat to others in the new school year.

I’m hoping her friends are not trying to be mean with the pictures and are instead trying to make her feel involved.

Willmafrockfit · 01/08/2023 06:48

that was rather tactless of you to mention it and a quick witted answer from the mum.
your dd should be proud to be dog sitting for her friend.

Hiddenvoice · 01/08/2023 06:49

Also I don’t think it was mean of the mum asking you to dog sit. Sorry but Amy chose Zoe to go on holiday. Right now she feels closer to Zoe and wants to be around Zoe for longer than your dd.

If you didn’t want to dog sit then you should have said no. I understand it was a surprise to see the girls together but you didn’t need to agree to dog sit.

Dacadactyl · 01/08/2023 06:50

You are taking this far too personally.

Yes they shouldn't have asked you to dog sit because that was a pisstake IMO, but you really need to help your DD by not making it into a big deal.

When she goes to high school this sort of thing happens ALL THE TIME with girls up until theyre about 14. Sometimes you're flavour of the month, sometimes your not.

I don't think you did anything wrong by voicing your annoyance to the other mum BTW, because she was cheeky asking you to dogsit in the circumstances.

Tara24 · 01/08/2023 06:52

Move on. I agree it was insensitive of the mum to ask you to dog sit without telling you that she's taking Zoe away. But, it's fine for her to take Zoe and not your DD. I allow my two to pick a friend to take with us. That will inevitably lead to someone, somewhere being left out . But I'm not going to take another child as it would cause issues with where we stay.

TheaBrandt · 01/08/2023 06:54

I know it hurts but you shouldn’t have said that. You have to smile through gritted teeth and say have a nice time and be brisk and cheerful to you own child. That’s the way life is sadly.

Lots of families take one child for company for their own it’s totally unreasonable to expect people to take the whole friendship group to spare the feelings of other random kids. The mums are probably friends. Dd2 had this at primary so I do get it.

WhatNoRaisins · 01/08/2023 06:54

I don't get why you said yes to the dog if you aren't good with dogs? There's plenty of doggy people in the world and they'd have just found someone else. That question regarding Zoe was very awkward too.

I'm sorry if this sounds a bit mean but I'd look at the behaviour that you're modelling to your child here. These tricky friendships are common and your DD needs to not be a pushover and to be open to making new friends.

yogasaurus · 01/08/2023 06:57

IWillWatchTheDogs · 01/08/2023 06:46

Do you not think it was a bit mean of the mum though to expect us to dog sit whilst she takes the other friend on holiday?

Zoe has a pet dog so would have been a better option for dog sitting wouldn't she?

I don’t think it was chosen on who was the best option for dog sitting. More likely Amy chose to take Zoe, and then the mum asked you to dog sit.

Bit cheeky of them to ask you to dog sit, but you also could have said no.

And taking multiple kids on holiday is a no-no, one friend I can understand. I don’t think you should have made the comment either.

Agree with PP’s re groups of 3. It’s not always the friends they’ve known the longest that own out to be the closest either.

Original poster
IWillWatchTheDogs · 01/08/2023 07:01

I said yes to the dog sitting as Amy's mum has openly told me she doesn't have much support around her. I am probably her closest friend. I wanted her to enjoy her holiday and not be worried about her dog.

Dd is over it now, it was just a shock for her as she was hoping to have one friend around whilst the other was away on holiday.

OP posts:
ColumboOnTheCase · 01/08/2023 07:01

I think it was mean to ask you to dog sit, not nice for your DD to find out her friends are not only going away together but have been keeping it a secret from her and will now have this shared experience.I think it was fine for you to voice your annoyance too, the parent should have had a little empathy for how the child being left behind would feel. It's ok she took one child but shitty to ask other ones family to dog sit.

Whatajokr · 01/08/2023 07:04

Grow up OP. What you said to that mum was awful.

In future, model to your DD the correct response in these situations.

Original poster
IWillWatchTheDogs · 01/08/2023 07:05

I also wonder if the arrangement for getting the key when they left, was so I could see Zoe was going too. It wouldn't surprise me to be honest.

I won't be dog sitting for them any more.

OP posts:
Anothernamethesamegame · 01/08/2023 07:06

IWillWatchTheDogs · 01/08/2023 07:05

I also wonder if the arrangement for getting the key when they left, was so I could see Zoe was going too. It wouldn't surprise me to be honest.

I won't be dog sitting for them any more.

Why do you think that? Is the mum someone who would do unkind things like that usually?

WhatNoRaisins · 01/08/2023 07:06

OP do you have your own history of friendship difficulties here?

Trez1510 · 01/08/2023 07:07

This is one of the reasons I chose to not have children - hurting by proxy. I know, for sure, I'd go down the tinkly laugh route in the moment and then that moment would be added to my cringe list of times I've let myself down. As pps have already said situations like these will only increase at secondary school. Working on your daughter's resilience would be more worthwhile than allowing this to fester in either your and/or your daughter's mind.

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