Was this a bit mean?

[IWillWatchTheDogs]

Dd has some close friends. I'll call them Amy and Zoe.

Last week Amy's mum asked me if I could dog sit for her whilst she was away on holiday. I agreed to be kind, even though I'm not a huge fan of dogs and dislike walking them.

The day came and we agreed I would get the keys just before they left and I would take the dog straight out for a walk.

Dd wanted to come with me to say goodbye to Amy.

When we got there Zoe was sat in the car with Amy. They saw dd and waved. Dd went over to talk to them and when she came over to me looked upset. I asked her what was wrong and she said Zoe was going with Amy on holiday. Amy's mum confirmed this and I said oh that's a shame dd would have loved to have come if I knew you had spaces for friends and laughed. Amy's mum replied by saying oh sorry but I thought you and dd were watching the dog.

I was a bit surprised by this as dd has no interest in dogs, they know that. She only came to say goodbye to her friend and the dog sitting will just be me.

Whilst they were gone dd was sent loads of pictures of her friends having fun which made things worse.

Do you think this was a bit mean? The friends didn't mention anything before they left and dd only knew because she saw them when they were leaving. It was all kept a bit secret.

Why?! OP said yes!

Would she have said yes if she’d known that her friend was taking the other girl on holiday while she and her DD were being used for free dog care? None of us know, but the fact that the OP’s friend hadn’t mentioned it until dog collection time suggests to me she knew on some level she was being a cf.

But why does saying yes to looking after a dog depend on who the girl has decided to take on holiday? They are two completely separate things?

but the fact that the OP’s friend hadn’t mentioned it until dog collection time suggests to me she knew on some level she was being a cf

… or she had no nefarious intentions so just didn’t think that deeply about it and didn’t realise anyone else would either.

This thread has made me think of a friend who’s become pretty hard work since the dc have started school. She’s always going on about cliquey mums and how she hates it. They’re really not, they’re just clearly an established friendship group and gravitate towards one another. They’re all friendly and inviting but my friend really gets the hump over any perceived slight and blows it up with a narrative that only exists in her head. It’s genuinely exhausting to be around her because she seemingly puts all her energy into thinking the worst of people rather than accepting that sometimes it’s not about her at all and she probably hasn’t entered their heads.

I think things are getting twisted, as there is more than one AIBU being answered.

Was it mean to only invite Zoe? YABU - perfectly reasonable for Amy's mum to only take one child. I agree friendships groups of three can be very tricky. Glad you DD seems fine with it now.

Was it ok to make the comment I made? YABU

Was it odd that Amy's mum didn't mention that she would be taking Zoe on holiday with them when she asked if I could dog-sit. YANBU

Was it mean the key pick-up meant that my DD would realise that her friend was going away with another friend without prior warning? YANBU

There really ARE people who would arrange it all like this to cause hurt. There are also people who are a bit clueless and think it would be completely ok/not have given it a second though. You will almost certainly have other 'evidence' to sway your thinking to one way or the other.

Sorry, but I think it is pretty CF to invite one friend in a group of 3 on a holiday - and then ask the other to do a really inconvenient chore for you! 😬😬😬

I would never dream of doing this - I think it’s really cringey - and I can’t believe other people think it’s OK.

But then again, I have a reasonably wide circle of friends, and so am not forced into being a CF to anyone through lack of options.

I honestly can’t believe people are defending Amy’s Mum in this - she should have arranged for a kennel, dog-sitter, Zoe’s Mum(!!?), or even a neighbour to look after the dog. Not the other friend.

Arranging for the OP to come over and collect the key while the other friend is being taken on holiday is unbelievably thoughtless.

Again, I’m coming at this from how I would behave.

As an example DD is taking three friends away over the next school hols - there is absolutely zero chance I’d ask one of her other friends who isn’t coming with us to dog sit - that would be the height of clueless CFery, and I’m 🤯 at anyone who thinks otherwise.

The other mum did nothing wrong, she owes nothing to anyone, but she lacked a bit of empathy for the OP and her DD. She should have picked somebody else to take care of the dog. Given you are such good friends with her, she should have taken that into consideration and not ask you. At the very least she could have asked but still given you the heads up about taking the other kid. Given you've done her favours in the past, this isn't a two-way relationship and is unlikely to become one.
I'm an adult and if my group of friends decided to go on holiday together without telling me -which as adults and free people, they're more than allowed to do- I'd be upset to be asked to go and water plants or feed the cat for one of them. Maybe I shouldn't care, if they were just acquaintances I wouldn't care but it's different when we're talking friends. Real friends don't do that to each other.
I wouldn't go out of my way to this mother any other favours. OP, she clearly doesn't see you as a good friend, you're an acquaintance, so work on other friendships and let this one go. Don't tell your DD anything bad the other girls but keep it civil with the other mum and that's it.

I agree @UnicornStarfish If this was a group of 3 adults and one of them had been asked to look after another’s dog while they went on holiday - and then the person doing the dog sitting only found out that the other 2 were going on holiday together when she went to collect the dog I would bet money that the majority of posters would say the dog owner was a CF.

There could've been any reason why she was left out such as money, maybe her daughter wanted her friends to come but the parents could only afford one. Or just the stress of looking after someone else's kids while they're away.

I do agree it's a cheek to ask her and you to look after the dog while they're away having fun. Even though there could've been a reasonably explanation to why they didn't invite her, as a kid that would still hurt, and would've been more of a kick in the teeth to be their skivvy. I think it was spiteful to send photos too, the children were being mean ansd the parents should've told them to be tactful.

I would've retracted my offer and they would've had to find someone else or not go.

Why should anyone take your child on holiday? And if they do take someone it doesn't mean they should offer that to everyone child they know.
It's likely she was allowed to invite one friend and had to choose. It's not mean just awkward which is why you didn't get told in advance. You shouldn't have commented at all.

Yes I do think this was mean. Almost rubbing DD's nose in it. No more favours I would say.

Are you also ten? You behaved in a jealous and childish way to the friends mother! Why would she choose to watch more than 1 extra kid whilst on holiday.
You cannot manipulate your child's friendships. It will get worse when she discovers romantic relationships.