Haven't bathed /shower in weeks

[Ted10]

So what it says really I have not bathed or showered in weeks . I have washed as the basin. I had not washed my hair in weeks until about 5 days ago and I just washed it over the side of the bath . The back of my hair was matted . But I kind of covered it with long hair.

This is all linked to a DV situation towards me From a family member. We are getting help now. But I have not been able to leave my kids alone so that I can get a bath/shower. Even when the kids were at school I still didn't. Because I felt like o was permanently on egg shells.

It's been similar with cooking it was either throw in the oven stuff or take aways. Because I could not spend time on the kitchen.

As I said there's some support put in place for that person now. But I'm finding it hard to get out of the mindset that I can't do the simple things.

If anyone recognises my situation. I'm not going into it all . And I won't respond to any judgement or nastiness. I'm not in the right mindset to be dealing with that just now.

I just Need to let things go so that I can do these normal things and stop bring such a scum bag

Hi OP, sending you strength and support.

Are you and the children safe now? That's the #1 priority for you all. You can start to heal from a place of safety - physical and psychological safety - but if you're still at risk, how can we help you to get and stay safe?

Thank you. The rip me apart bit comes from how MN can be, I have experienced some real nastiness. I was expecting to be attacked verbally with a mix of kind post.

This thread has been lovely . Thre has nkt been one negative comment or nastiness judgement. Its been fantastic and there has been lovely support.

You need to unmat your hair before washing it. Mine got matted a few times over lockdown. Trust me I put loads of condtioner on but still took forever. It unknotted easier with me pulling them out before washing. Then combed through it with condtioner. If you're up to it could you make an appointment to have it cut? Be much easier to manage in a shorter style.

Thank you so much. I don't know if I'm the poster your thinking of or not. But either was your right. I will get there in the end. I have no choice I have to. Just basic things feel like the end of the world because I keep thinking if I have a shower what can that lead to. But also I have to start taking them risks or I will never know and I will never live life I'm a normal way.

The situation is very complicated. It's not a straightforward DV situation. But professionals are awear and support for that person has been /is being put in place. What becomes of that is another thing. Can only keep fingers crossed. It has kind if Been better than it was. A part from a small hiccup . But im still always waiting for things to go wrong so I'm not trusting that things will change yet

I think this is about anxiety and feeling that you are not worth caring about.

You do matter and you need to take baby steps. Even if it takes you an hour or so to have a shower please do it. You will feel so much better when you are clean. That's your achievement for today.

Maybe tomorrow you can pull together something easy for dinner like a casserole by steeling yourself to get the ingredients (if you go first thing the store should be quieter) and then spending time chopping them up and cooking them.

You will get there.

I haven't read through every post but I would give yourself one thing each day to do for yourself - big or small to fit in with what is happening around you. Its not unusual for this to happen and its about feeling vulnerable as well as where your head is at. If it helps involve all the other kids so have a day where you hair wash everyone and condition combing through gently. Nothing wrong with a sink wash - you are still clean all over, have a bath night for all, get the kids in and out and jump in yourself at the end so starting with a quick bath, wear swimsuit if that is an issue, you will still be clean.

Just take one step and one day at a time and spk to GP if you can they may see something we dont

Hi OP,
Firstly, PP are right, you have gone into a form of survival mode, this is a real state of being where you are unable to do anything other than the necessary to survive. I'm sorry for whatever has happened to get you here but you are already moving through it by recognising you want to make changes.

Not the same but I have severe depression, and what has helped me was getting a white board for my kitchen, on it I wrote things I wanted to achieve each day, drink 2l water, 10,000 steps, take a vitamin, get up at my alarm each day. Mundane but that board is a visible reminder of what I want and have achieved, big or small.

I'm so sorry to hear what you have been going through OP, sending love ❤️

If you don't feel like doing anything that is fine but I thought I'd share what I do when lacking motivation to get up and do something I really want or need to do....

Get a timer app and set it so it beeps every 5 minutes for 20 minutes. So it will beep 4 times. Break down the thing i want to do into 4 x 5 minute chunks and write it down...eg

• comb oil through hair to detangle
• fetch towel and lay out clean clothes
• brush teeth
• get into shower

As I rush around trying to keep up with the clock it can be kind of fun, like a game. And I know in 20 minutes I can be back on the sofa but feeling clean and fresh and pleased with myself. I sometimes do the same for housework too.

If 20 minutes seems too overwhelming, I might do 10 minutes or 5. I don't have to finish the thing but making a start is very motivating in itself. A few five minute chunks in the day can add up to making a big difference.

Try to keep to your list but if you get distracted, don't let that worry you. It's just a motivational tool. If you got up and did something then hooray, it worked 🎉🎉🎉

Does this person live with you?

If not, then I’d wait until the kids are in bed in the evening or early morning and make sure all of the doors are locked and then have a nice bath/shower.

Then sit down and watch Tv whilst brushing your hair.
If you can afford it you can get a tangle teaser brush from Asda or B&M I think they’re about £4 in B&m and may help with the matts.

Bathing is not a priority but I find it makes me feel tons better and it helps me to then go out and about to do what I need to do.

You don’t need to shower every day, twice a week is absolutely fine.

Everyone assumes DV is caused by the partner but it could also be one of the children?

Newbold Hope website has lots of information and seminars. Also a private FB group which is a great support just in case anyone needs it

Thank you for all your lovely posts. I was trying to reply to everyone I have missed through the night. But its hard to focus. But I have read them all . They are all kind and supportive and sending motivation which is lovely.

Also to the people who have shared personal and sensitive things. I'm sorry I have not replied personally. It is more common that I thought. And your sharing does help and the things that have helped you . So I will definitely take all this on board.

This has been the kindest thread I have ever personally experienced on here . So thank you 💐

Don't detangle with a comb, brush or tangle teaser, do it with your fingers. Combs and brushes will make matted hair worse and you will end up cutting it because you would have tightened the knots.

You have to do things your own way, in your own time. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.

Is the shower thing because of feeling vulnerable when naked and not able to hear properly what's going on elsewhere in the house? If so that's understandable. You could barricade the door if it doesn't lock. Shower with a swimsuit on or even clothes on. Might sound a bit silly but whatever works for you.

Also you say "because I keep thinking if I have a shower what can that lead to". Are you able to explain a bit more about that fear, if you feel you can? What might it lead to and are you 'catastrophising' - i.e leaping to the worst case scenario that might happen, no matter how unlikely that is. If so people can help with how to deal with that. Or maybe it's a reasonable fear that you need to manage and people can suggest strategies for that too.

You are coping, and by continuing to do so making progress, Just take it in your own time -not everyone's coping strategies suggested here will work for you but some might.

Morning OP, hope you got a decent rest last night. Have you had breakfast this morning? Even if it’s just a half banana it can do a lot of good for helping keep you feel human. Thinking of you

Are you and your kids actually safe now OP? Is that person gone, and will they stay gone?

If not , that's why you can't let go of old habits. You're still living in that heightened state of anxiety, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because the "safety" feels temporary.

That is utterly ridiculous. Children don't cause anything. They're kids ffs. Adults are in charge of their own behaviour.

It's not just because it's the shower feeling vulnerable due to no clothes etc . This includes being in the kitchen trying to sort food etc . Because all it takes is the smallest thing . I think I'm safe to do something. Then someone glances the wrong direction or something is said and all he'll break loose to a massive extreme. So that's why I can't do basic stuff.

Wow

@Chickenkeev educate yourself please
your complete ignorance is what’s ridiculous

@Chickenkeev yes, because no parent ever has been battered or even murdered by their child?

I am so glad we are able to help @Ted10 , I am just emerging back into my normal self after leaving an abusive relationship so I get it completely. My personal breakthrough was only a few days ago - I cooked myself the sort of tea I used to eat (nothing complicated, just vegetables with the garlic and chilli and oils I used to use a lot) and that's the first time I've done that in nearly two years, I've mostly been living on sandwiches and other no-effort food.

You do completely go into survival mode in these situations - your brain actually changes the way it works - so it's not surprising that you haven't felt able to look after yourself until now. But you have started and that's great, step-by-step and don't be surprised if some days you fall back a bit, that's completely normal too, but just keep going.

Feeling overwhelmed is horrible, so like PP's say, just try and do a tiny bit of things when you feel able to...for me it was cleaning the fridge for the first time in ages, and it looked so lovely that I felt great, I haven't got to the rest of the kitchen yet, but I will do at some point! And I bought myself my favourite tea as a reward, and a magazine - could you try that do you think, a tiny treat just for you?

We're all here lovely, and if/when you feel able to talk to someone about this IRL, you'll discover that many more people have gone through this kind of stuff than you think...which is reassuring as you say.

You'll get to where you want to be sweetheart, just be gentle with yourself in the meanwhile xxx

As others have said, you are in survival mode. Keeping on keeping on can be the hardest thing imaginable and you are doing it. ⭐️ Please try to be kind to yourself. You have prioritised safety, which is absolutely the most important thing.
So many people have given you great advice about everything from your hair to how to feel safe.
I really hope that your situation eases and the better days become more frequent. 💐☕️

@Ted10 That sounds very difficult. No wonder you are on edge and finding day to day things so hard. I do hope you find ways to manage,that support is in place for the person concerned & helps and you get back some normality. You are doing well in the circumstances, give yourself credit for that.

(ignore ChickenKeev, clearly doesn't understand that how DV can work in families)

No. I admit, i didn't rtft so i'm sorry for that, but i certainly don't need 'educating' thank you very mucĥ. I am very far from ignorant in this regard.