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Haven't bathed /shower in weeks

301 replies

Ted10 · 30/07/2023 21:00

So what it says really I have not bathed or showered in weeks . I have washed as the basin. I had not washed my hair in weeks until about 5 days ago and I just washed it over the side of the bath . The back of my hair was matted . But I kind of covered it with long hair.

This is all linked to a DV situation towards me From a family member. We are getting help now. But I have not been able to leave my kids alone so that I can get a bath/shower. Even when the kids were at school I still didn't. Because I felt like o was permanently on egg shells.

It's been similar with cooking it was either throw in the oven stuff or take aways. Because I could not spend time on the kitchen.

As I said there's some support put in place for that person now. But I'm finding it hard to get out of the mindset that I can't do the simple things.

If anyone recognises my situation. I'm not going into it all . And I won't respond to any judgement or nastiness. I'm not in the right mindset to be dealing with that just now.

I just Need to let things go so that I can do these normal things and stop bring such a scum bag

OP posts:
HerAvatar · 31/07/2023 03:27

agent765 · 30/07/2023 22:45

Decades after an attack by my abusive ex (he glassed me), I still can't bear to wash my hair in the shower. It still makes me feel out of control and vulnerable. I can wash my hair over the kitchen sink as long as I'm fully clothed and able to run. Not that I can actually run these days but...

It took me years to get help and I'm finally seeing a specialist counsellor who is making me feel more secure.

When you feel a bit more settled get a referral to see someone properly qualified to help you. The first one may not always be the best one for you (I saw several), but the one I have now is really helping me.

Things will get better.

My friend used to sleep in her trainers (in case he started in the night and she needed to run Sad) and carried on for ages after he'd gone. I'm glad things are starting to get better for you now Flowers

andfinallyimhere · 31/07/2023 03:38

OP, this is more common than you'd think. One of my good friends was depressed after a traumatic situation and washing/looking after herself felt unbearable. She was also living in unhygienic conditions and it felt like too deep a mess to climb out of. She confided in me and got some counselling too. In her case, all these things were a layer of protection against anyone getting near her again.

The good news is, she's doing really, really well now but she needed someone to help nudge her out of it. It's good that you've posted here. Flowers

Chickenkeev · 31/07/2023 03:41

andfinallyimhere · 31/07/2023 03:38

OP, this is more common than you'd think. One of my good friends was depressed after a traumatic situation and washing/looking after herself felt unbearable. She was also living in unhygienic conditions and it felt like too deep a mess to climb out of. She confided in me and got some counselling too. In her case, all these things were a layer of protection against anyone getting near her again.

The good news is, she's doing really, really well now but she needed someone to help nudge her out of it. It's good that you've posted here. Flowers

@BaroldBalonz 😍

HerAvatar · 31/07/2023 03:41

I think not showering is absolutely the last thing you should be worrying about right now OP, you're getting through the days and that's bloody heroic, especially if you're the poster I think you are. Putting one foot in front of the other is enough for now, the rest will come when you're ready/able. I wish there was someone in rl you felt you could ask for support but please know there are people here who are more than willing to fill the gap as best we can online, you don't have to get through this alone Flowers

Chickenkeev · 31/07/2023 03:44

HerAvatar · 31/07/2023 03:41

I think not showering is absolutely the last thing you should be worrying about right now OP, you're getting through the days and that's bloody heroic, especially if you're the poster I think you are. Putting one foot in front of the other is enough for now, the rest will come when you're ready/able. I wish there was someone in rl you felt you could ask for support but please know there are people here who are more than willing to fill the gap as best we can online, you don't have to get through this alone Flowers

That is such a lovely message. You're a lovely person x

keelo123 · 31/07/2023 03:48

Shoot, you’re definitely not in a great place right now!

first if all, I don’t want to judge you in the slightest here and I also want you to know that I’ve actually been in this sort of situation myself.

we both probably have very different reasons behind why we had both reached such a point but I strongly believe that it all boils down to the same sort of reasons. Mental health!

never be ashamed of who you are, how you look, what you put out into the world, all that is irrelevant to getting yourself back on track!

You need to find yourself again. Find ways of respecting yourself again. Starting off slow is key here. Take things a day at a time. Get some realistic goals set but realistic only for yourself. Even if it’s the bare minimum kind of goal for each day like drinking a glass of water as your first thing to do each day when you wake up. When this has been achieved, bank it, keep that going but throw in your next challenge. Maybe for example brush your teeth straight after your glass of water. Let both of these settle in and bank them both, add another and just keep on adding new small goals as you begin on your journey of self control and self respect.

to many people, what you have listed as your problems, they may sound absolutely ridiculous but unless you have been there yourself you will never fully understand the strength that it takes to get the weakest of jobs done.

you just need to push yourself and always believe in yourself, tell yourself often enough that you can get past these problems and one day you will find yourself doing everything that you just can’t seem to do today.

it all starts within you though, only you can change this way of living for yourself. Take control of only the things that you are able to, forget about the things you can’t gain control of, they are not your problems. Deal with you and love yourself as much as you possibly can. You WILL get there, you WILL figure out how to get past all of this and it will be YOU that will pull you out at the other end! Rely on nobody but yourself and you can’t be let down by the world around you.

also, try to remember that if you have people that you need to care for, people you are responsible for, they can’t be taken care of well until you take care of yourself first!

it’s a hard and long road but you’ve got this! Go show the world what you’re capable of, stop at nothing, regain your rights to be happy and enjoy every moment like it is your last!! <3

HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF! Xx

Jazzybean · 31/07/2023 07:00

You are NOT a scumbag. We are here for you OP.

GrinAndVomit · 31/07/2023 07:11

Hi OP,
2 sorry to hear what an awful situation you’re in and I’m glad that you’re already considering what steps need to be taken to get yourself out of it.

You’ve had some excellent advice as to contacting women’s aid. I’d also recommend contacting your local IDVA service.

Once your hair is detangled, keep it one or two plaits so that it remains untangled with only minimal effort. Your body will be fine to continue to be washed this way while you are in survival mode. It’s not ideal but you’re clean.

Good luck OP!

lovemelongtime · 31/07/2023 07:39

Mumsnet at it's best. Wish it was always like this.

Op there are so many good ideas and kind thoughts here, I do hope you find the strength to reach out to sometime or call Women's Aid and they can help you find a way forward. take care 😘

Azaeleasinbloom · 31/07/2023 07:40

Op you are doing well. You are surviving , sounds like you have really been through the mill, but you are caring for your children and taking those small steps towards recovery. Well done.💐

@HeWhoDaresWinsRodney I was sad to read your post, and hope that the help you are now getting can turn things around for you 💐for you too.

diddl · 31/07/2023 07:46

Would it help to build up gradually?

So strip off & get into the shower?

Even if you don't actually shower?

Just shower/just do your hair?

Hope you get support & get through it.

Sounds as if you have made a start.

Fway1981 · 31/07/2023 08:03

Omg! I’m going to start by saying I’m a man! Seen as though I’m on mumsnet and this is my 1st post I feel like I should make that clear! I had been with my partner since we were 18yo and I have literally just spent the last 2 years watching her die in front of me and my 2 beautiful children while she refused to get any help or even leave the house! Anyway my point is! Don’t be worried about the washing thing! I haven’t washed in 2 weeks either! I’m not depressed I’m making sure the kids are ok It’s just that washing myself right now is not the most important thing in the world! I’m sure when you’re ready you’ll know! Sorry I joined for advice with the kids and saw this and related!

OhwhyOY · 31/07/2023 08:09

@agent765 your story is so sad, I'm so sorry you were so traumatised you lived like this for so long. Well done for getting help. OP I agree that getting some specialist help/counselling could assist you too, you need to look after yourself to look after your kids and be the best parent you can be. Put your own oxygen mask on first and all of that.

Chickenkeev · 31/07/2023 09:02

OP, if you want a shower buddy, i can do that. I'm in a similar position and would love someone to cop me on as such. I really need a kick up the hole. So, i'm here if you want.

Custardslices · 31/07/2023 09:07

Take it bit by bit don't think of a huge task ahead of you break everything down to small steps so you don't feel over whelmed.

One day soon you'll think how strong you've been and how much you've survived.

Cocktopus · 31/07/2023 09:09

I've been where you are OP.

You're doing brilliantly. You may have a few hiccups along the way but you will continue to do brilliantly.

Sending lots of love and to echo PP, we're here for you.

Feel free to DM if you want to, I'm always up for a natter.

💐

Tidsleytiddy · 31/07/2023 09:15

Not read the whole thread and not linked to DV but when I went through a bad phase it was such an effort to wash hair. I could just about manage shampoo but not conditioner. It feels odd to think about now but it’s kind of a trauma response in that you’ve only got the energy for the essentials. Sending love x

BlossomCloud · 31/07/2023 09:19

Please see if you can contact your GP for some support, there may be charities that can help you too.

Try https://www.turn2us.org.uk/ if money is tight. I help one of the charities on there and we support a little of survivors of DV

Turn2us - Fighting UK Poverty

Find benefits, grants and financial support online

https://www.turn2us.org.uk

Bluetrews25 · 31/07/2023 09:23

Sending love, hugs and strength to heal @Ted10
Hope you are eventually able to get out and make some contacts who become friends in the outside world. There are kind people out there. Flowers

BlossomCloud · 31/07/2023 09:26

*a lot not a little!

Ted10 · 31/07/2023 09:28

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 30/07/2023 23:10

https://goblin.tools/

that site allows you to minutely break down tasks OP. It will give you a step by step guide to doing what needs done. Sometimes seeing the tasks broken down like that and only focusing on one step at a time can help, especially when you feel overwhelmed or unsafe to move about your home and are trying to get back to doing what needs done.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, it sounds like hell and I hope you get some support Flowers

@MNHQ any chance you could verify that link please? The name Goblin Tools doesn’t inspire confidence but I promise it’s not a scam or malware etc. I use it to help with task paralysis.

Thank you I will take a look. I guess its simlar to another one I know ofbits quite popular but I forgot the name it's about doing ot in chunks and not thinking about ut as a whole.

OP posts:
willsaldana · 31/07/2023 09:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 31/07/2023 09:30

Ted10 · 30/07/2023 21:06

Thank you . I was hoping of I wrote it down . It might kick my butt. Obviously it's not something I can say in RL. So maybe just saying it might help.

You don't need your butt kicking at all, @Ted10 - you have been coping with an incredibly tough situation and that has taken all your energy - and it has left you worn out even now it's getting sorted. You need a massive hug, and I wish I was there to give you one.

Then you need to take steps towards improving things for yourself - one step at a time. Washing your hair was a step. Maybe next time you can condition it and that will help you brush out the back. It will look like baby steps, but we know that each step will be massive for you. I'll be here to cheer you on, and judging from this thread, I'm not the only one.

itsmyp4rty · 31/07/2023 09:30

Fuck showering OP, you have been trying to protect your kids and not able to take your eyes off them. God knows what you've been through and where your poor head is at. Showering right now is only for you if you want it to be - if you're not up to it at the moment, then you're not up to it. When you think it's going to make you feel better if you do do it, then that is the time to try - small steps.

Please don't put pressure on yourself over this though, it's the last thing you need. Please don't call yourself a scumbag either, you're a survivor. Do what's right for you now, what you want and take any help and support that you can.

Ted10 · 31/07/2023 09:32

Teenagehorrorbag · 30/07/2023 23:14

As PPs have said, you're doing amazingly just coping with your situation. Please don't beat yourself up for not washing as much as you'd like, or cooking fancy meals! You just need to do enough to survive, and look after your kids - that's all you need right now.

In terms of washing - I think people nowadays are so used to being able to shower or bath daily that we do it without thinking about whether it's necessary. When I went to boarding school in the 70s we had allocated bath times twice a week! Apart from that we were expected to keep clean by strip washing at the sink - and we also washed our hair with those naff plastic hoses attached to the taps. We were perfectly fine.

My MIL hasn't had a bath or shower for 20 years. She is 96 and found getting in and out of the bath a bit wobbly ages ago - and has just strip washed ever since. She does wash her hair in the basin. She never smells.....Smile.

Sounds like the 80s when we used to get called in from playing for a Sunday bath. Them we used to strip wash through the week. Seens odd now. But normal for then.

OP posts: