Haven't bathed /shower in weeks

[Ted10]

So what it says really I have not bathed or showered in weeks . I have washed as the basin. I had not washed my hair in weeks until about 5 days ago and I just washed it over the side of the bath . The back of my hair was matted . But I kind of covered it with long hair.

This is all linked to a DV situation towards me From a family member. We are getting help now. But I have not been able to leave my kids alone so that I can get a bath/shower. Even when the kids were at school I still didn't. Because I felt like o was permanently on egg shells.

It's been similar with cooking it was either throw in the oven stuff or take aways. Because I could not spend time on the kitchen.

As I said there's some support put in place for that person now. But I'm finding it hard to get out of the mindset that I can't do the simple things.

If anyone recognises my situation. I'm not going into it all . And I won't respond to any judgement or nastiness. I'm not in the right mindset to be dealing with that just now.

I just Need to let things go so that I can do these normal things and stop bring such a scum bag

What support are you getting therapy wise? It sounds from your posts like you are triggered by tasks such as bathing and cooking. If you have not already contacted a domestic violence charity please do so. They may be able to help you get access to support you need to move forward from this

@Chickenkeev your initial reply suggests otherwise even if you didn’t read the whole thread.

Then why did you say what you did 😔

@Chickenkeev you are the only poster on this whole thread that has been unsupportive and dismissive towards a person that is so clearly struggling and needing people to care. That is not something to be proud of.

If you are still in danger, maybe that’s why you are frozen.

OP it does sound like you are still at risk.

As complicated as it might be, you need to consider how long this can realistically go on for. Help of some sort is being providers to him but is it enough? Is some superstation feasible to create a safe environment for everybody (including him where his triggers are potentially removed)

I'm not sure what you mean?

If i've been unsupportive, i am sorry. You need to get out. If there is anything i can do to facilitate that, i will.

@Ted10 i going to come from a very different angle.
I have ME and VERY limited energy so I’ve learnt to be very choosy about what I do and don’t do. In particular, I’ve learnt that we expect ourselves to do a lot if things that aren’t always necessary. Like dusting kitting boards, having a shower every other day, cooking from scratch etc…

You are clearly already doing the minimum that needs to be done. There is food on the table and you’ve protected yourself (and your dcs?) as much as you can for now.
Now, I’d concentrate on something that makes you happy. You are mentioning putting the music on, is there something you really enjoy? Put that on as much as you can.
You need a little bit of self care to be able to continue looking after others.
Cooking meals from scratch can wait. So can having a shower UNLESS it makes you feel good.
Little steps by little steps, you can add a little something that will make you feel better. And it will give you the feeling you’ve accomplish something too!!

Last thing but not least.
You’re not a scum bag.
Youve done as well as you could in the circumstances you had.
You are accomplishing things already to improve your life even more. And yes washing your hair over the sink was already an achievement.
Things will get better - because you’ve done your utmost for it to happen.

Sorry OP autocorrect confused my words.

I'm saying that it does sound that you are still at risk of harm.

Whilst it sounds complicated, is there any form of temporary separation that can occur between you and your dependants and the abuser, whilst the help he is receiving has an impact.

You are living daily in fear of a massive reaction. Something that could set him off. So it's no wonder you're struggling to shower or use the kitchen.

Oh thank you. No there's no way that can happen. That's been looked into a rejected by professionals. There is support put in place. But im not trusting it. I guess I Nedd to give it a chance

Ok. Then, if anything happens again and you are in danger you must 999 the police.

It's fair to be untrusting, and whilst things are calmer you are on eggshells. Trust and safety are primary needs, it will take a long long time for that to return fully in this situation.

Make your list each day of small things you will aim to do. I would definitely try to get out for a short walk with the kids, take them to the sweet shop, whatever is easy and achievable for you. Fresh air will help you breath x

You are not a scum bag, not one little bit. You are going through an extremely tough time. Some fantastic advise above about doing little things day by day.

I hope you take a small amount of comfort from seeing that you are not alone. We only really see other people's public lives but so many people have private struggles that we never imagine. You are not alone.

I struggle with showering for a number of reasons. One is safety and security. I overcome this partly by having my security cameras showing on my phone and putting my phone somewhere visible whilst I shower. I can then see that no one is coming in to the house.

Ok, what about the other way round. Try to find a local gym or pool with no membership, and then go in and have showers in there where there are other women around? Some train stations in main cities also have a “pay as you go” shower ?

as other have said, once you have a first shower, try to book a cheap hair appointment and have a nice wash, cut and blow dry. Once your hair feels better it might encourage you to tell yourself to give it a wash more often , as you. Could you/would you think about a very short cut so hair is less likely to be tangled and matted, and much easier to wash quickly and dry by itself.

the other thing, if you feel unsafe, can you stretch to a Ring doorbell or camera? You can link your phone, take the phone into the bathroom with you and lock the door. I live on my own and have a ring doorbell - it alerts to movement as well as when someone actually rings the bell. I take my phone into the bathroom anyway in case I slip in bathroom so I can contact someone to rescue me 🤷🏼‍♀️. But it’s good to have it there to ensure I know someone’s not at the door.

id also set a goal of 1 shower or bath per week to start with. Take it in small steps. Do it at a time when it’s light, you know no one else will come over, and perhaps play some background music to help relax you. Again start off with a very fast shower (a quick but thorough dunk- don’t need to use shampoo just a quick body wash and wet your hair ), then slowly build up

lots of people say not saying your hair is good for it - you do need to keep it untangled though, so get a good brush, maybe a wet dunk in shower every week to start but don’t worry about shampoo for time being. There’s always dry shampoos to try - though they just make my hair greasy!

From personal experience, I really recommend Women’s Aid, they are fantastic.

I haven’t got any advice to add to what’s been said already but I’m sending you my very best wishes.

Sorry I will try and reply best I can. And please don't take offence . If I don't use great wording .

Taking a shower outside of the home is impossible so is joining any sort of gym. That would mean dragging 3 kids out just so I can have a shower. When I have one up stairs . And the gym is a no as well as I cant spend any amount of time away from the house. I do.t have any form of child care

I need to go to the dentist tomorrow. I'm going to force myself because I did not go for my last 2 appointments. I'm gonna have to take 3 kids with me. I'm gonna try and use that to force myself to try and look at least half human.

Ring door bell etc does not apply to my situation. I can't lock myself in a room that puts my other kids at risk.

This morning I have manged to unmat most of my hair. If I can use lots of conditioner later I could probably finish it up. Even If it's in the early hours

@Ihatethemessimin, thanks for recommending Newbold Hope site resources. I'd not heard of them before. Very enlightening.

My dd is having the same problem as you with her hair, severe depression is overwhelming her 😐 she finds these easier, maybe they would work for you 🫂

Drench! Medical No Water Shampoo Caps [5-Pack] - Waterless Shampoo and Conditioner - Dry Hair Wash Caps for The Elderly or Bedridden - Contains Aloe Vera, Vitamin E and Provitamin B5 https://amzn.eu/d/6HzO0T6

If you can’t leave your children because they are at risk then things are not safe. I don’t think you will be able to deal with anything while things are not safe.

I hope things improve for you soon.

I have no choice. I have to deal with stuff best I can. Which I am for the kids . But it has a knock on effect on my personal self.

Purely practical ideas, adult bed/bath wipes are so much easier and quicker, than a soap and flannel wash and towel dry at the sink. Easy to get on Amazon and cost per use they would be cheaper than a shower anyway. They are just bigger and stronger than baby wipes.

Once you have your hair unmatted (lots of good advice here and L' oreal wonder water is amazing for untangling massive tangles) can you French braid/plait it, as they are much easier maintenance than normal plaits. Depending on how long your hair is, two plaits are good but a halo plait keeps your hair from getting rubbed on the pillow at night and keeps it tidier for longer. When I had halo plaits they would stay neat for a couple of weeks (with a few hairpins) and were comfy to sleep in.

think I recognise you/your situation and understand the problems. If you feel comfortable, PM me, I am happy to send you some packs of wipes as I buy in bulk.

Also, if it's possible to put on clean bedding on the same day your hair is sorted and you are clean, the mental boost will be amazing. I know it's effort involved but the pay off is worth it as it feels so good. It may help to keep you motivated too as you will appreciate the good feeling and look forward to doing it again.

Thank you for posting. What are halo plaits ?

I will look on amazon thank you . I really want to try and get in the shower / bath though because I need to start taking risks and live normally. I should not be sitting here thinking omg how an I gonna get a shower without a risk of something going wrong. And it may not even go wrong . But im arguing with myself that it might.

I almost did not make it to gp several days back due to almost madness. And a professional told me I have to take the risk or it will never change. Which is true

OP what are you coping mechanisms if something does go wrong?

To help your mind get clarity, can you type out here your immediate actions if somethings happens that would get you all to safety.

Often when you can create an action plan in case it's needed, you've already done the thinking and don't need to think on the spot. it helps you to take a step forward with more confidence in how to handle situations should they arise.