Haven't bathed /shower in weeks

[Ted10]

So what it says really I have not bathed or showered in weeks . I have washed as the basin. I had not washed my hair in weeks until about 5 days ago and I just washed it over the side of the bath . The back of my hair was matted . But I kind of covered it with long hair.

This is all linked to a DV situation towards me From a family member. We are getting help now. But I have not been able to leave my kids alone so that I can get a bath/shower. Even when the kids were at school I still didn't. Because I felt like o was permanently on egg shells.

It's been similar with cooking it was either throw in the oven stuff or take aways. Because I could not spend time on the kitchen.

As I said there's some support put in place for that person now. But I'm finding it hard to get out of the mindset that I can't do the simple things.

If anyone recognises my situation. I'm not going into it all . And I won't respond to any judgement or nastiness. I'm not in the right mindset to be dealing with that just now.

I just Need to let things go so that I can do these normal things and stop bring such a scum bag

https://goblin.tools/

that site allows you to minutely break down tasks OP. It will give you a step by step guide to doing what needs done. Sometimes seeing the tasks broken down like that and only focusing on one step at a time can help, especially when you feel overwhelmed or unsafe to move about your home and are trying to get back to doing what needs done.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, it sounds like hell and I hope you get some support

@MNHQ any chance you could verify that link please? The name Goblin Tools doesn’t inspire confidence but I promise it’s not a scam or malware etc. I use it to help with task paralysis.

You’re not a scumbag OP. You sound like you’re a strong woman trying to get through an awful situation, and doing so well to get to this point. Many don’t. Stay strong and focused and you will get to where you want to be. Sending hugs and positive vibes 💐

As PPs have said, you're doing amazingly just coping with your situation. Please don't beat yourself up for not washing as much as you'd like, or cooking fancy meals! You just need to do enough to survive, and look after your kids - that's all you need right now.

In terms of washing - I think people nowadays are so used to being able to shower or bath daily that we do it without thinking about whether it's necessary. When I went to boarding school in the 70s we had allocated bath times twice a week! Apart from that we were expected to keep clean by strip washing at the sink - and we also washed our hair with those naff plastic hoses attached to the taps. We were perfectly fine.

My MIL hasn't had a bath or shower for 20 years. She is 96 and found getting in and out of the bath a bit wobbly ages ago - and has just strip washed ever since. She does wash her hair in the basin. She never smells......

You are surviving and that's what you clearly need to do right now to try to recover. So glad you're getting help, you just need time so don't beat yourself up! Just take each day, hour at a time to build your confidence back up, no one is judging and if they are screw them. Xx

When you’re in this mindset, it’s so hard to imagine coming out the other side of it. But you have started to do that already. 5 days ago you started some hair care. You are getting washed, not in a shower or bath, but it still counts as getting washes if you are doing it using the sink.

Give yourself time to get back into doing these things. You’ve been in fight mode. And that is totally exhausting . Not only that but you’ve been in that mode due to a really awful experience. So that’s added on top . Try not to pressurise yourself back into everything you want to do again. One thing at a time. You need to get your mental and physical strength up. If cooking is too much right now, could you get some complan or build up shakes? They have vitamins and minerals in along with protein - chocolate and strawberry ones are pretty good and they go down easily.

its good your family member is getting support now. It sounds like you really could use some too. Treat yourself gently. Don’t expect too much of yourself too soon. You’ve been through an ordeal and you don’t just bounce back from that. 💐

I will just suggest why others have said hun , you are not a scumbag , you are on survival mode . I know you might doubt anyone will understand you but there are others in your position and people that help . Please call a woman’s shelter or woman’s aid , lots people working there have been in similar positions .
As for starting to go back into a routine , start with one small thing , just one , it can be washing your hair and detailing it , or simply washing your face and moisturising or even do something small that you really like like hot chocolate with whipped cream or a cookie you really love or if you are nit ready then just try and remember you are not alone

Have a hug from me.

Done is better than trying to be perfect when it comes to self-care tasks. I read that recently in a facebook group and it's so true.

Sounds like you're achieving done with a wash at the sink, and that's brilliant. Seriously, well done, some times that's all I can manage too.

Can't face brushing your teeth? Mouthwash is better than nothing. A rinse with a cup of water is better than nothing. Toothpaste on your finger rubbed half-heartedly on your teeth is better than nothing.

can't face a shower? Can sit in the bottom of the bath or shower cubicle and let water run over you for a bit? Done is better than nothing.

You'll get there, I really am not worried about that for you. In the mean time - done is better than nothing. xxx

You are in no way a scumbag - please don't be so hard on yourself.

I think you need support - you should contact your GP. Whether it's medication and/or talking therapies. You don't need to do this alone xx

Maybe when you get to the end of each day look back at what you have done, it will more than likely be more than you think. Just the fact that you have survived another day is an achievement and there will very probably be small things along the way that you are not immediately noticing

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I didn’t realise it at the time but I had debilitating depression after being in an abusive relationship.

Be kind to yourself, you are doing what you can for now and that’s enough. Women’s Aid will support you If you need them.

I'm in the South West, I don’t know what I could do to help, or where you are but I’d hate to think of someone nearby struggling with no help

I like a bath or shower once I'm in the bath/shower. But getting myself to do it...?
Even though I know I will feel better afterwards.

What I do is to run quite a hot bath. Asemble towel and clean underwear in bathroom. Then do something else. Then think of the money I spent heating the water in my all-electric flat.

Then I usually get to the point of getting in the bath while it's still a reasonable temperature.

With showering, when I was very depressed, I used to wait and wait till a fleeting urge took hold of me, then run to the shower before the urge went away.

But strip washing is fine. too.

I was abused as a child and for years as a teen I struggled to shower. It freaked me out and felt like an impossible task. I eventually moved out to my own house which had a clear glass door shower and what a revelation it was. I could wash every day with absolutely no anxiety.

I rationalised it a lot with a therapist, and it's actually really common in abused people. You are so vulnerable in the shower - it's slippy, you can't see or hear someone sneaking up on you with the water noise/bubbles in your eyes, the bathroom is usually in a bit of a "dead end" bit of the house, you're naked... All of these things combined it's no wonder it's a threatening place for you, and that's before you get onto "who are you trying to look nice for" shenanigans. It would be weirder if it wasn't difficult!

Tiny steps with everything, don't try to 'sort the house out' just try to do 2 or 3 minutes in one room. Don't empty anything, or do a big task - if you don't get chance to finish it will make you feel worse. Reward yourself with whatever you can - a couple of minutes outside, a packet of nice biscuits, file your finger nails, something just for you.

You're doing better than you think - you're clean, you're looking after the children, you're getting support on here, well done.

Hi OP, I've had extremely bad hair matting before when I broke my ankle and my arm and couldn't wash my hair, it's long and got into a huge matted section at the back. I thought I would have to cut it off but I found this way of detangling by watching Youtube clips:

There's a specific method which is different to just normal level knots. You know how people say avoid silicones and go all natural? Well the method for undoing matting is the opposite. You want all the silicones (just temporarily) because they lubricate the hair strands to aid detangling.

The best products for this I found are: Pantene Repair and Protect shampoo (brownish label) followed by Garnier Ultimate Blends Argan Richness conditioner or the Pink L'Oreal conditioner. Then finally Mane and Tail detangler spray. These are all silicone heavy products that detangle well, we're not choosing them for necessarily being the best products out there but for this specific situation.

First of all, after washing and and applying Mane and Tail detangler on wet hair, keep the hair wet and work on it while it's wet because it's easier to detangle wet.

Don't use any comb or brush, not even the Tangle Teaser for now until you have worked through the matted hair and it's in a brushable state. This is because brushes will pull the knots in the matted hair tight so they can't be undone.

Just use your fingers to work from the bottom up of the matted section, never pulling too hard because all pulling does is tighten the knots. If you can section the "matt" into smaller bits then do so and work on each smaller section individually.

If you can't, just work on the matted section as a whole.

If you start getting frustrated take a break, don't get upset and pull hard on a section.

Just keep working from the bottom up slowly, easing the hairs apart with your fingers.

You can do it, you can watch clips on Youtube for inspiration. Just take your time and it can be done.

I wish I could help in person because after my experience I'm an expert! But good luck x

Just adding my support and sending strength to you and your children.

You all deserve to feel safe. Easier times ahead.

You have had to face trauma and distress, and are doing extremely well to have reached out for RL help. That takes guts.

We have your back on here. Keep posting whenever it helps to offload and/or to clarify muddled thoughts.

#teamTed10

Sorry, just adding a link because there seems to be a few versions of the spray, in the reviews you can see a man has posted a similar method to me:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mane-Tail-MNT543446-Detangler-355/dp/B000TG84B2

If it makes you feel better i am much worse than you, I am too embarrassed to write the extent of it so well done for doing that. It not easy to write this. Went through really bad stuff, which I’m sure contributed and even though things are better in my life, I never sought help as they just wanted to give me meds but now they have referred me as suspected asd/adhd but who knows what it is but it’s so hard to shake off everything, definitely need some therapy but last time cbt did nothing for me and actually stressed me out and other therapy will have to be private which I just can’t commit to right now

I think you’re incredibly brave and have no doubt you will find the strength to overcome this bit by bit, you’ve already shown it. Be kind to yourself, sending you love and don’t be worried for the kids, they surprise us all with their resilience and understanding. Protect yourself and little steps x

Are your kids in danger ? Sorry to hear this

Download Finch, it's an app for self care with a tamagotchi style creature that evolves the more you care for yourself and has a massive community of lovely people

I think that the fact that you expected us to rip you apart, just shows how the dv has worn away your self esteem.
I'm guessing that the constant walking on egg shells was to avoid provoking verbal abuse as well as physical abuse.

It's probably a long time since anyone in RL has told you how amazing you are but everyone here can see it.

You have managed to look after your kids and now it's time to try and realise that you no longer have to be in pure survival mode; you can start taking care of yourself.

(((hug)))

I'm sorry you're in such a bad place you thought it would be understandable if people called you a scumbag!

how old are your kids? Have you been able to make sure they're showering regularly?

you might be surprised who would be there for you IRL, often it's the people we least expect.

Do try womens aid though.

@InMyHead2Much think you want a different post for that comment

I am similar. But i do recognise i'm depressed. You might be the same, or you might just need a kick up the arse. The behaviours need a push anyway