I'm stuck in the loo forever now aren't I?

[YesitsBess]

TW, bloody huge gallopy fucking spider.

I was having a nice day. I worked from home, had a nice dinner, settled down to watch a film with nary a care in the World.

During intermission I decided to go to the loo, and somehow managed to not see THIS WANKER until I was on the throne so to speak. She's approximately the size of a labrador.

She's frozen, I'm frozen.

I live here now don't I?

Don’t google how fast they can do a metre, OP. I made that mistake when living in a house with them honestly twice the size and three times as fat as her and it fucking haunts me.

I just had a fly, fly up my nose, in bed. What a fucked up evening everyone seems to be having!

I do have a go bag, but it's by the front door. I need to rethink my go bag/hoover placement don't I?

All by the loo. All of them.

Use the phone to call someone who can bring peppermint oil in a spray bottle and a glass and piece of card or debit card...

Quickly . Before that THING takes over the world And kills us all.

And put a trigger warning on this thread.

Get dressed first.

No idea what to do but totally invested in the 7 legged wonder. I think as PP said - massive fart and smoke her out 💨

Just a thought, but isn’t September spidder season? Tell her she’s wasting her (very short) life being so early to the party. Preserve her energy for the Autumn 🍂

I have a dog that's allergic to spider bites who would beg to differ! She swells up like the Michelin Man when she tackles spiders...

I don't think it's Portuguese. I'll ask.

😆

She's massive. Which in my book means she's...just that. She probably accidentally ate her own leg cause some small man spider was humping it.

Sorry hang on a minute… you’re calling it ’she’… is it that big you can tell what sex it is?!

Please don’t hurt the spider, they stop flies from vomiting in your dinner. Hide behind the bath towel and creep out, hopefully he won’t notice.

Life long Arachnophobic here. Cab drivers will come out and remove spiders from your home for minimum fare if you beg ask nicely. Or you could go with my other tried and tested method of covering spider with mayonnaise and getting the dog to eat it (sorry dog).

No! That was the best part!

"Oh Aranha, onde está meu dinheiro, por favor?"
(Oh, spider, where is my money, please?)

Thanks? Maybe?

HAVE I GOT A SOLUTION FOR YOU! FREE SHIPPING! I'M PUTTING HER IN AN ENVELOPE AS WE SPEAK.

Get a cat. Our DCat eats spiders.

It’s just a wee baby one by the looks of it, they get a heck of a lot bigger in the part of the uk I’m in.

This was my thought. It's not September, I'm prepared for this kind of nonsense in September.

I'm curious. Do you have people in your contacts who would have those things immediately to hand at 11.15 on a Friday?

I mean, if you do please pass them to me. 😊

Thanks for posting this. I was laughingly telling DD about it, she goes to the loo and glances at the open window which she never does...to see three long spindly legs trying to haul something up behind it from the frame. That window got slammed shut rather quickly. The "shadow" outside is bigger than our upstairs spider catching cup 😳

Same here

Have you managed to leave the loo yet OP?

In this situation I like to negotiate with resident spiders...

Me: Erm hey Mrs Spider, you are kinda in my way there. Reckon you could budge up a bit so I don't get freaked running past you?

Sally Spider: oh shit sorry hun, yeah I'll be out of your way on a second. Just eating one of those pesky flying ants that came on while you weren't looking!

Me: oh thanks Sally! That's pretty decent of you! I hate those things!

SS: oh I know, plus it's my tea so..... 🤷🏼‍♀️

Me: so we cool yeah?

SS: we cool!

Me: just please don't run across the living room really fast and please stay out of the bedrooms!

SS: oh sure. No that's your space don't worry!

That is incredibly kind and exactly the kind of support I need.

However.

She might be Spanish.