I'm stuck in the loo forever now aren't I?

[YesitsBess]

TW, bloody huge gallopy fucking spider.

I was having a nice day. I worked from home, had a nice dinner, settled down to watch a film with nary a care in the World.

During intermission I decided to go to the loo, and somehow managed to not see THIS WANKER until I was on the throne so to speak. She's approximately the size of a labrador.

She's frozen, I'm frozen.

I live here now don't I?

What, as a sort of post-coital snack?

She better be a sodding money spider now I tells ya...

Shockingly, and I've added these to the "go bag" list, I had neither a terrier nor mayonnaise about my oerson at the time.

Schoolboy error wasn't it?

The spider is probably thinking who's that wankpuffin in my toilet. I wish she'd fuck off

Oh now that's impressive UnctuousUnicorns

Are you in the UK? Because it looks like some sort of small tarantula to me ... had them all over the garden in Arizona and they'd get quite close

I'd be hysterical if that was in my bathroom, especially as it's BLOCKING THE EXIT

The fact Unicorns one is right by the toilet paper 😨

Shuddering

I once lifted my cat up to the ceiling when I was a teenager to deal with the spider on it... She succeeded in knocking it onto my head.... My god did I scream

Well apparently it's "The Matriarchs flat"

What time shall I expect you?

Glasgow, actually. I got DH to put it out. Global warming = humongous arachnids in the northern hemisphere. 😱 🕷️

What have we learned from this experience OP? In future make sure your en-suite is fully stocked with a handy hoover, a towel, a glass, an empty cardboard tube and some furniture polish, all placed with arm's reach of the throne.

For what it's worth I think you're very brave to let it wander around your home freely tonight.

Killing it is not the answer though is it. That's just cruel.

Oh that can fuck ALL THE WAY OFF.

Pick It up and eat it

I once had one that sort of size appear beside me when I was sat in bed.

I freaked out, and in my haste to exit the bed with a baby in my arms, I accidentally SAT ON THE FUCKER! I ended up with spider goo soaked right through to my knickers. I showered. A lot. I'm still traumatised... Wouldn't recommend sitting on her.

This is fair!

However.

She's clearly not a Portuguese money spider, nor does she pay the mortgage.

If I win the Lotto this weekend (or Omaze, I'm not fussy) we can talk.

Wtf is going on with police response times that this situation is still ongoing over one hour later????

WTAF ... are you a lion tamer ... or in patient 😳

Don't kill spiders or anything else. A beaker (penis beaker if that's your thing) and a bit if card in bathrooms and bedrooms and kept handy elsewhere in the house, is all that's required. Safely caught they can be put in a garage or shed or out onto a window sill of released into an unused room.
DH and I once had such a huge one in our ensuite we blocked the bottom of the door with towels one night. Now have a beaker (not a penis beaker) to hand in there.

My en suite currently looks like a WW2 bunker with a 7 legged abuela as Quartermaster.

Can't lob her out tonight, it's raining.

@AlfietheSchnauzer have I entered some kind of parallel universe? You’re the one encouraging people to panic/douse in hairspray a tiny harmless creature and yet you’re also telling people to grow up?? Slow clap for you… … …

I maintain she just chewed her own leg off from boredom of having some bloke dry humping it.

@romany4 - Jesus do you live in Bolivia or Iraq 😱

Yep! Hoover-ectomy ... it's your only hope!! Make sure you leave the hoover outside after the procedure!

It’s a male. Females have bigger bums.

Her name is Charlotte and she is coming to show you she has been through some battles and she’s no threat.

Feed her some ham and enjoy a bug free home.

Does anyone remember who the poster was, years ago, who had a thread about literally twatting a spider to death? She found it squashed flat in her knickers. While she was still wearing them. I’m not joking.