I'm stuck in the loo forever now aren't I?

[YesitsBess]

TW, bloody huge gallopy fucking spider.

I was having a nice day. I worked from home, had a nice dinner, settled down to watch a film with nary a care in the World.

During intermission I decided to go to the loo, and somehow managed to not see THIS WANKER until I was on the throne so to speak. She's approximately the size of a labrador.

She's frozen, I'm frozen.

I live here now don't I?

Thankyou I know that she is a common house spider.

She is in no bloody way as startled as I am.

I say this as someone who always believed that common house spiders were as "afraid of us as we are of them!" until one very deliberately, and with witnesses, ran from a corner of a room and up my leg.

I AM IN THE BATHROOM. HOW MANY STRATEGIC HOOVERS DO YOU THINK I MIGHT HAVE TO HAND AT THIS MOMENT 😂

Thats a Mutant Spider.
Gas it out with a massive fart.

Pricks aren't they? Just pricks.

Do not try and pick it up with a towel, my DH did that with a big nasty deathly fucker spider in Australia and it ran up his arm.

I still have flashbacks.

See now this is a plan worthy of the A Team. Cue the music....

I will not try and pick it up with a towel and thankyou for the nightmare fuel.

The matriarchy has popped in to say hello <shudders>

Seriously. I'm a big fan of sweeping brushes if reachable. Can you use the toilet brush.

Good luck!!!

Are you insane?😳 size of that thing it could take OP's arm off.

I did try wafting. She was nonplussed.

Throw a towel over it, run away and never return.

Do you have a bin that you can put upside down over it? Or a toilet brush holder?

Ah, don't kill it. Is there a water glass in the bathroom, op? Just catch it and let it out of the window.

Omigawd.. this thread has me chuckling with laughter 🤣🤣and feeling really glad it's not in my bathroom! 😳 I'm afraid I would be sat there not wanting to put my feet on the floor, and have a numb arse and legs from being there till it toddled off. Although as soon as you fall off the toilet on to the floor, I'm sure it would come back to see what that thud was. Good luck, i dont envy you in the slightest! 🕷

Roll a bit of tissue paper up into a pellet and flick it at her? How much toilet roll have you got?

They do. Admittedly not like a Komodo Dragon or a saltwater crocodile.

OP, you're going to have to be brave and run for it. Did you have the foresight to have an emergency bag ready? If not pack a bag as quickly as possible and leave.

The Portuguese believe spiders bring money so, if you manage to survive, I reckon you've got the lottery coming your way!

I wouldn't bet on it. its her bathroom/house now... there is another mumsnet thread about a property for sale. it doesn't have a roof... but you might be better off there

Seven legs means it's probably a 'he' - female house spiders sometimes remove and eat a leg from their make mate.

Repeat the following (under your breath, until you've exited the loo) "he's more scared of me than I am of him"... that's how I tackle those wee creepers.

I have christened her the Matriarch, this is in no way helping me like her.

Just as an update, after some gymnastics worthy of Simone Biles herself (imagine me gracefully leaping over her as she watched in awe with her too many eyes) she is now in the bathroom and I am not.

Don't want to twat her with anything really because she's clearly a scrapper and deserves to live so I will deal with her tomorrow. After I've burned the house down.

also is it just me or does it look venomous?

Don’t fucking waft it!
You said you’re in an ensuite, like fuck do you want it running into yourbedroom to not find it. Sock or clothes on your hand and smash the fucker. Splat. Or use a bottle of shampoo.

Where will I go to the loo? Her house?!

Okay, you’re out. Now run and get a glass and stick it over her to deal tomorrow or she will be out in your bedroom.

No window. See pp