Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Stepdd doesn’t sleep, fair to ban from sleep overs?

522 replies

Jeffersdya · 28/07/2023 12:00

Stepdd is 8 and doesn’t sleep through the night.
She wakes every 2 hours and will play with toys/read a book to then run wild around the house until she falls asleep again on the spot, then repeat.
She does this regardless of where she is sleeping - either at my house with her dad and I, at her grandparents house (dp parents who will no longer have her for this reason) or at her house with her mum.
Despite being told to stay in bed and be quiet, she won’t. I’m at the end of my tether being woken non stop, as I’m such a light sleeper I can’t settle until it‘s quiet and she’s definitely asleep. It’s causing arguments between dp and I because he won’t set firm boundaries about this and makes excuses to avoid telling her off.
I’ve suggested it may not be behavioural but health related, and she needs to see a doctor. Cue abuse from dp ex for suggesting such a thing.
I’m fed up with hearing excuses when an 8 year old should be able to sleep in bigger stretches than 2 hours and should know it’s not acceptable to disturb others in the night.
I’ve now refused for her to sleep at my house again unless help is sought and the issue is resolved. I’m being bombarded with messages telling me I’m an awful person and I’m bullying stepdd, from dp ex family. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to sleep a full night in my own home and expect boundaries and respect from dp to ensure that happens.
Now I’m doubting myself and that I should put up with it because ‘it’s what kids do’.
What’s your take on it?

OP posts:
T1Dmama · 31/07/2023 14:36

Jeffersdya · 31/07/2023 11:56

Thank you everyone, I’ve only just caught up with replies and appreciate all the advice and support.
we spoke about the issues and that she needs to see a doctor, he told his ex who came to my house and tried to be physical with me so the police were involved.
I called a day on the relationship.
I reported my concerns to the girls school so hopefully even with me now gone they’ll be able to support her.
the freedom I now feel is immense. I miss him a lot, but I’ll never date another man with children again.

Such a shame it has to come to that @Jeffersdya but yes, all my divorced friends that have new partners have inherited so many issues from their partners kids and ex’s that when I separated last year from my husband I vowed to stay single till my DD is an adult and even then I will never live with another man .. my house will always be my space from here on in!
As for taking on kids.. no way!!

CastlesAndCurlews · 31/07/2023 14:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Maiden2021 · 31/07/2023 14:47

Well done OP. Good luck.

I have had to make more brutal decisions not to enter many relationships because of my strong boundaries, as opposed to entering them. I even just got accustomed to it that I would even be more generous to see if there are any redeeming features- nope! Was slightly lonely whilst enforcing that, but I am glad I did. Kept my sanity intact and focused on my career.

Some of these situations (police being called or any threatening confrontations) would have left a mark on me. So, avoid, avoid! Or if there, get out at first signs. I would have left the moment she wanted to rearrange your jaws! Never too late, so well done and you worked so hard more than anyone else to get the poor girl help.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

8 year olds Families
T1Dmama · 31/07/2023 14:49

Mooy · 31/07/2023 13:35

When you invite a man with children to live with you, you are also inviting his children to live with you, regardless of wither you fully own the property or not. Banning children from their father's home is completely unreasonable. He is her parent and is responsible for parenting her, not just her mother and that includes the hard bits. You need to get on board with that, and support your partner in that, or end the relationship.
I'd suggest speaking to your partner again about taking her to the doctor. If he still refuses, and her mother refuses I think I'd be putting in a call to social services. But even if she does go to the doctor, there will be a waiting list and treatments will take time to work (and might not all be successful). During that time it would be totally wrong of both you and your partner to abdicate responsibility for the girl and leave it entirely to her mother to manage. You need to decide if you can either step up as a step parent and partner or leave. You can't be one without the other, your partner and his children are a package deal.

Wow did you bother to read any of it??
she didn’t invite the father to live with her, he lives in a shared accommodation. OP was being VERY kind and letting him and his daughter sleepover so that he could have visitation as his place isn’t appropriate!
Also the mum has threatened her and has now turned up and tried to assault OP…. So the relationship is over!

pinkyredrose · 31/07/2023 14:50

stichguru · 31/07/2023 11:29

"Do you characterise everyone that doesn't offer accommodation to someone else and their kid as bullying?". If the behaviour that they won't accommodate is not the person's fault and the way they behave towards the individual is degrading/disadvantaging then yes. If you look at the Equality Act, the whole point is that if you provide someone with something, you can't deny providing it to someone else because of a characteristic that they can't help. For example, "Everyone is allowed to eat at my restaurant, unless they can't walk, because I can't be bothered to put in a ramp" would be discrimination. I know legally this doesn't apply in a private home, but surely "I'll let you stay over unless you can't sleep, because I can't be bothered to deal with you waking up at night", is pretty much the same.

Fucking hell.

pinkyredrose · 31/07/2023 14:55

Well done OP!

EleanorLucyG · 31/07/2023 14:55

stichguru · 31/07/2023 11:29

"Do you characterise everyone that doesn't offer accommodation to someone else and their kid as bullying?". If the behaviour that they won't accommodate is not the person's fault and the way they behave towards the individual is degrading/disadvantaging then yes. If you look at the Equality Act, the whole point is that if you provide someone with something, you can't deny providing it to someone else because of a characteristic that they can't help. For example, "Everyone is allowed to eat at my restaurant, unless they can't walk, because I can't be bothered to put in a ramp" would be discrimination. I know legally this doesn't apply in a private home, but surely "I'll let you stay over unless you can't sleep, because I can't be bothered to deal with you waking up at night", is pretty much the same.

I realize the OP has ended the relationship but I just had to say what a total moron you are. The equality act doesn't cover private individuals having romantic relationships, it's only relevant to companies providing goods and services, and employers.

T1Dmama · 31/07/2023 15:02

People like stitchguru walk amongst us 😂😂

T1Dmama · 31/07/2023 15:06

I’m so sorry @Jeffersdya.
I hope the police prosecute her.. maybe this situation will alert other authorities!
I hope school step up and help this kid out.. but either way she nor her crazy parents are your problem anymore.

my advice after a relationship like this is always to stay single for a while.

CarrieOnBoris · 31/07/2023 15:06

Mooy · 31/07/2023 13:35

When you invite a man with children to live with you, you are also inviting his children to live with you, regardless of wither you fully own the property or not. Banning children from their father's home is completely unreasonable. He is her parent and is responsible for parenting her, not just her mother and that includes the hard bits. You need to get on board with that, and support your partner in that, or end the relationship.
I'd suggest speaking to your partner again about taking her to the doctor. If he still refuses, and her mother refuses I think I'd be putting in a call to social services. But even if she does go to the doctor, there will be a waiting list and treatments will take time to work (and might not all be successful). During that time it would be totally wrong of both you and your partner to abdicate responsibility for the girl and leave it entirely to her mother to manage. You need to decide if you can either step up as a step parent and partner or leave. You can't be one without the other, your partner and his children are a package deal.

The OP doesn't live with the girl's father. He lives in a house share and
The DSD just stays at the OP's house with her father when he has her for overnight contact 4 night a month. The OP was doing him a favour letting both stay at her home.
Anyway the relationship is now over.

stichguru · 31/07/2023 15:10

EleanorLucyG · 31/07/2023 14:55

I realize the OP has ended the relationship but I just had to say what a total moron you are. The equality act doesn't cover private individuals having romantic relationships, it's only relevant to companies providing goods and services, and employers.

Show quote history

Of course it doesn't! But the fact that an individual/company is expected go out of their way for an adult who has difficulties, highlights how insensitive and nasty OP is to basically say to a child "you're 8 and you have difficulties, so I'm not accepting you in my family."

Beachwalker66 · 31/07/2023 15:21

Lollipop81 · 31/07/2023 12:40

I think you are wrong to stop her from sleeping at your house, your partner is her father so regardless of what issues she has she should be free to stay. She is a child remember. But it does sound like there is a medical reason behind this, and someone should be speaking to a doctor to find out what that is and to help her. It can’t be nice for her to keep waking up either, so it is really unfair for it not to be looked int.

Why should she be free to sleep at OPs house? Her father doesn’t live there!

I don’t think I have ever seen a thread where so many poster’s haven’t read OPs posts!

Beachwalker66 · 31/07/2023 15:22

T1Dmama · 31/07/2023 15:02

People like stitchguru walk amongst us 😂😂

Fucking terrifying isn’t it?

Lollipop81 · 31/07/2023 15:31

I read the other posts after I wrote this 😂😂 seriously though I admire the OP for ending the relationship, wouldn’t have been an easy thing to do.

Imisssleep2 · 31/07/2023 15:33

I would remove all said toys etc until she gets the message assuming a medical reason isn't to blame, if that still doesn't work try the sleep patches you can buy, doctors may be able to prescribe something suitable too. Your not unreasonable, we all need decent sleep or it affects us all very negatively and will be with her as well at school etc.

CherryMaDeara · 31/07/2023 15:34

stichguru · 31/07/2023 15:10

Of course it doesn't! But the fact that an individual/company is expected go out of their way for an adult who has difficulties, highlights how insensitive and nasty OP is to basically say to a child "you're 8 and you have difficulties, so I'm not accepting you in my family."

Show quote history

She hasn’t said anything to the child.

You are really twisting yourself up trying to make OP the BIL step mum when she’s clearly the only one who can see this little girl needs professional help.

CherryMaDeara · 31/07/2023 15:36

The sheer will to make a step-mum responsible for every thing for a boyfriend’s children from some on MN is breathtaking.

Nanny0gg · 31/07/2023 15:45

marblemad · 31/07/2023 06:19

It's not just the fathers home though is it, it's OP's aswell? And if it is disturbing the home dynamic so significantly it is better to put your foot down now and refuse until treatment and boundaries are put in place.

Show quote history

It's the OP's home. The father has a room somewhere else

So they are both visitors

Nanny0gg · 31/07/2023 15:49

Jeffersdya · 31/07/2023 11:56

Thank you everyone, I’ve only just caught up with replies and appreciate all the advice and support.
we spoke about the issues and that she needs to see a doctor, he told his ex who came to my house and tried to be physical with me so the police were involved.
I called a day on the relationship.
I reported my concerns to the girls school so hopefully even with me now gone they’ll be able to support her.
the freedom I now feel is immense. I miss him a lot, but I’ll never date another man with children again.

Blimey!

How can you not want the best for your child? Her mother is awful.

I hope the father thinks on, grows a backbone and tries to get his daughter some help

Well done OP, that drama you didn't need. I know it's sad but you can't fix stupid

Maiden2021 · 31/07/2023 15:51

I think this is one rare time I feel I need to post this to a poster.

@Jeffersdya you have made the right decision. Please IGNORE all those demonising you because the majority are doing so PURELY because the girl is a step kid (whatever term people want to use here) and it has become increasingly apparent to me that on MN many mothers are living in fear of their 'D'H leaving them and the kids to start another relationship/ another family. So there is a lot of projection when it comes to step kids.

They tried with HIS house which didn't work because it is YOUr house and now you have left, they still cannot deal with it. Focus on you. As another poster mentioned, yes, we appreciate this was not an easy decision to make, so take care of yourself.

I would just hate being demonised like this after having made such a difficult decision, so I don't want all this to affect you at your vulnerable time.

Herejusttocomment · 31/07/2023 16:03

Jeffersdya · 31/07/2023 11:56

Thank you everyone, I’ve only just caught up with replies and appreciate all the advice and support.
we spoke about the issues and that she needs to see a doctor, he told his ex who came to my house and tried to be physical with me so the police were involved.
I called a day on the relationship.
I reported my concerns to the girls school so hopefully even with me now gone they’ll be able to support her.
the freedom I now feel is immense. I miss him a lot, but I’ll never date another man with children again.

Hugs to you.

You can date another man with children, just one that parents them properly and successfully co-parents with his ex.

WickedSerious · 31/07/2023 16:04

T1Dmama · 31/07/2023 15:02

People like stitchguru walk amongst us 😂😂

You're scaring me now.

Weflewinstyle · 31/07/2023 16:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

littlefireseverywhere · 31/07/2023 16:22

Stay strong OP, I’m glad you’re safe in all of this. Hope her parents do the right help and consult a DR

Tigertigertigertiger · 31/07/2023 16:40

Good result.
well done OP

Swipe left for the next trending thread