Stepdd doesn’t sleep, fair to ban from sleep overs?

[Jeffersdya]

Stepdd is 8 and doesn’t sleep through the night.
She wakes every 2 hours and will play with toys/read a book to then run wild around the house until she falls asleep again on the spot, then repeat.
She does this regardless of where she is sleeping - either at my house with her dad and I, at her grandparents house (dp parents who will no longer have her for this reason) or at her house with her mum.
Despite being told to stay in bed and be quiet, she won’t. I’m at the end of my tether being woken non stop, as I’m such a light sleeper I can’t settle until it‘s quiet and she’s definitely asleep. It’s causing arguments between dp and I because he won’t set firm boundaries about this and makes excuses to avoid telling her off.
I’ve suggested it may not be behavioural but health related, and she needs to see a doctor. Cue abuse from dp ex for suggesting such a thing.
I’m fed up with hearing excuses when an 8 year old should be able to sleep in bigger stretches than 2 hours and should know it’s not acceptable to disturb others in the night.
I’ve now refused for her to sleep at my house again unless help is sought and the issue is resolved. I’m being bombarded with messages telling me I’m an awful person and I’m bullying stepdd, from dp ex family. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to sleep a full night in my own home and expect boundaries and respect from dp to ensure that happens.
Now I’m doubting myself and that I should put up with it because ‘it’s what kids do’.
What’s your take on it?

he can take her to the doctor surely
do they have joint custody
he has pr

otherwise the school could make a referral

there is support for sleep issues, you could research this and give them to him, but yanbu for not having her sleeping, or not, at your house

If you contacted her school and explained the mother has left you a voice note to say she’d rearrange your jaw then social services will take this on.

It is not normal to be saying things like that. Then to have the lack of awareness to have it on a recording it means the mother is on edge.

This poor child is being failed by both her parents. She clearly needs medical help to investigate the cause of her sleep issues. The mother has her head in the sand and the father's a wet blanket.

OP I'd be minded to leave. The mother has threatened you with physical violence. Is this bloke really worth it? He's a piss poor father, he isn't ensuring his child sees a doctor and he isn't providing her with a home. If he doesn't have PR, he should be applying to court to get it.

I'd be inclined to ditch him and flag the situation to the child's school as a safeguarding concern.

Block the ex and don't engage! Beautiful example she's setting for her child with that behaviour. She shouldn't even have your number at this stage if your DP doesn't officially live with you. It's your home and it's up to you what goes on there.

I'm guessing he lives with his parents as that's where she used to stay. But his parents found her too much.

"Do you characterise everyone that doesn't offer accommodation to someone else and their kid as bullying?". If the behaviour that they won't accommodate is not the person's fault and the way they behave towards the individual is degrading/disadvantaging then yes. If you look at the Equality Act, the whole point is that if you provide someone with something, you can't deny providing it to someone else because of a characteristic that they can't help. For example, "Everyone is allowed to eat at my restaurant, unless they can't walk, because I can't be bothered to put in a ramp" would be discrimination. I know legally this doesn't apply in a private home, but surely "I'll let you stay over unless you can't sleep, because I can't be bothered to deal with you waking up at night", is pretty much the same.

If the behaviour that they won't accommodate is not the person's fault and the way they behave towards the individual is degrading/disadvantaging then yes. If you look at the Equality Act, the whole point is that if you provide someone with something, you can't deny providing it to someone else because of a characteristic that they can't help. For example, "Everyone is allowed to eat at my restaurant, unless they can't walk, because I can't be bothered to put in a ramp" would be discrimination. I know legally this doesn't apply in a private home, but surely "I'll let you stay over unless you can't sleep, because I can't be bothered to deal with you waking up at night", is pretty much the same.

The equality act does not apply to private houses - the OP is not running a B&B for fuck's sake.

The dumb on this thread is incredible.

You are not married or even love with her father. You are being threatened by her mother.
Her father needs to provide a house that is suitable for him and his daughters.

she should not be staying with you. you don’t have to put either of them up.

parents needs to parents - her mother and father

so the man you are dating should not be bringing her to your house.

I see OP has disappeared, not surprised regarding the pile on and posters not reading the full thread. This thread popped up on my Facebook feed so it's gone public too.
Also agree it sounds like ADHD (mother of three with it). Regarding diagnosis as others have pointed out if you have parental responsibility you can take them yourselves. I had this with my ex, he refused to allow me too but eventually I did anyway. School possibly won't be helpful, if a child is doing well academically and doesn't have behaviour issues they are unlikely to be concerned.

**Even live

not your monkey not your circus

her father needs to provide for her not you

Poor child - she has ADHD and is undiagnosed so isn't getting the medication or support she needs. I would gently suggest getting a referral- it will be life changing for all of you

Agree its not the childs fault.
OP i could not cope without 7 full hours sleep, especially if you have work the day after week day visits.
I blame both parents, you are right too of suggested a GP visit, i also understand the parents reaction as no one wants to think theres anything wrong, so possibly in denial.
You can not leave a child running around at all hours of the night, this is not normal, (my grandson is 2 he sleeps right through the night now) it does sound like shes on the spectrum of something.
Your partner and his ex need to sort this ASAP, this child may hurt herself while on one of her nights of running around. Presume he gets up to sort this on nights when shes staying with you?
I think in the short term your partner needs to get his own space for when he has his daughter, you both need to talk as to whether your relationship is working, this may get worse before it gets better, from what ive read on here it can take a while to get a diagnosis then getting medication( if thats what is required) at the right level, so this will be ongoing.
Hoping they seek help for the childs sake.

I'll be that person.... "LTB"

(YANBU. Sleep deprivation is dangerous)

I’ve brought up three kids on my own abs it’s hard work , so yes mum
needs a break.
I reckon this is why everyone is lashing out they know she hard work but are defensive if though you are bringing down her parenting when in reality they all have their heads in the sand.

make it clear it’s not the child fault but it’s your home abs you need your sleep to function . You have all the time in the world for
your own kids to give you no sleep lol.

Seriously though repeat that she needs sewing by a doctor abs it’s time they stepped up as parents both of them .
Block them abs make this a parent issue not a dads partner issue . Do t why any dirtier involved it their child to parent .
Im all for kids having as much love as possible but you can’t do their job for them .

This will hopefully be the wake up call they need why shoild this be on you

Thank you everyone, I’ve only just caught up with replies and appreciate all the advice and support.
we spoke about the issues and that she needs to see a doctor, he told his ex who came to my house and tried to be physical with me so the police were involved.
I called a day on the relationship.
I reported my concerns to the girls school so hopefully even with me now gone they’ll be able to support her.
the freedom I now feel is immense. I miss him a lot, but I’ll never date another man with children again.

Her parents need to get her support, and her dad needs to sort out his housing situation so that he can actively parent his child. Poor girl sounds like no one is attending to her needs. I suspect though that her mum, who has her 90% of the time, is exhausted. So her dad needs to step up. I'd be putting an end to all sleepovers of the adult variety frankly. I'd find it terribly unattractive that a man can't sort out his basic needs in order to be there for his child 4 days a month.

@Jeffersdya
OP , a good dad, regardless of what the mom says, would be consulting with a physician to discuss causes and possible solutions The child has 2 parents and both have an obligation to deal with the child's issues and problems.

It is unfortunate that the dad has no home to provide for his child. It is fine for you to ban the child from your home. It is totally unacceptable for the father to ban the child from his home.

Wow.

Yeah, it's not normal for a neurotypical child to sleep like this. Extremely common for a ND child though.

However, I don't think it's fair, no. Its not actually his daughter's fault or something to be punished for, and it's 4 nights out of the month. I feel like her Mum deserves a break and her Dad has a duty to chip in those nights.

I get it's your house. But either she's your stepdd, in which case you make accomodation, or she's your 'boyfriend's kid' (aka not that serious), in which case yeah you can do what you like but I'd be questioning how committed you are to her Dad and to wanting to blend families in the long term.

Well done op! God strong boundaries.

we spoke about the issues and that she needs to see a doctor, he told his ex who came to my house and tried to be physical with me so the police were involved.
i expect your weak ex said that you were the one suggesting it, which is why she lost her rag with you. Weakass manbaby.

She’s her ex boyfriends child for whom
she has done more for than the waste of space father.

but regardless, random women should not be expected to plug the gaps for waste of space fathers.

If you live together I would actually consider going on a sleepover myself on the nights she stays over. At least one of you will be refreshed then.

Depends: ARE YOU HERE FOR A GOOD TIME OR A LONG TIME?

If you are choosing to be in a relationship with a parent, you take the rough with the smooth and that involves taking his children as you find them. If it’s just a casual relationship, then you wouldn’t be expected to parent but this would mean not having any contact with his child.

Think very carefully about your future with your partner- it’s extremely likely his child had additional needs and for all involved- especially the child, you need to be prepared for the challenge this comes with and decide soon if you feel it’s something you can manage

Of course he did!
He is a fully fledged adult man and he is a parent, yet he is prepared to tolerate a teenagery househare situation.
He really really wants to avoid having to deal with his daughter. He has engineered thimgs specifically so that he doesn't have a proper home to make his girlfriend feel sorry for him and feels as if she has to be the one to parent his daughter, all deliberate and calculated on his part.

same here!

I have re posted this for the poster that haven't RTFT.

Just seen you latest up date, I think it's best all round him becoming an ex, sad as that may be in other parts of the relationship.