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Original poster

Stepdd doesn’t sleep, fair to ban from sleep overs?

522 replies

Jeffersdya · 28/07/2023 12:00

Stepdd is 8 and doesn’t sleep through the night.
She wakes every 2 hours and will play with toys/read a book to then run wild around the house until she falls asleep again on the spot, then repeat.
She does this regardless of where she is sleeping - either at my house with her dad and I, at her grandparents house (dp parents who will no longer have her for this reason) or at her house with her mum.
Despite being told to stay in bed and be quiet, she won’t. I’m at the end of my tether being woken non stop, as I’m such a light sleeper I can’t settle until it‘s quiet and she’s definitely asleep. It’s causing arguments between dp and I because he won’t set firm boundaries about this and makes excuses to avoid telling her off.
I’ve suggested it may not be behavioural but health related, and she needs to see a doctor. Cue abuse from dp ex for suggesting such a thing.
I’m fed up with hearing excuses when an 8 year old should be able to sleep in bigger stretches than 2 hours and should know it’s not acceptable to disturb others in the night.
I’ve now refused for her to sleep at my house again unless help is sought and the issue is resolved. I’m being bombarded with messages telling me I’m an awful person and I’m bullying stepdd, from dp ex family. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to sleep a full night in my own home and expect boundaries and respect from dp to ensure that happens.
Now I’m doubting myself and that I should put up with it because ‘it’s what kids do’.
What’s your take on it?

OP posts:
CaveMum · 31/07/2023 12:23

Suggest everyone reads the OPs latest post before commenting - the relationship has ended.

@Jeffersdya sorry to hear that you had to go through that with your now-ex and his ex. It can’t have been easy but well done on maintaining your boundaries and putting yourself first. Hopefully the school will try to get some help in place for this young girl.

pontipinemum · 31/07/2023 12:26

It is sad you've had to end your relationship over this, but hopefully they get help for their daughter.

I can't believe his ex was violent with you! That is completely out of order. It probably is best for you that you're out of this relationship

orangeyeahthatsright · 31/07/2023 12:29

Jeffersdya · 31/07/2023 11:56

Thank you everyone, I’ve only just caught up with replies and appreciate all the advice and support.
we spoke about the issues and that she needs to see a doctor, he told his ex who came to my house and tried to be physical with me so the police were involved.
I called a day on the relationship.
I reported my concerns to the girls school so hopefully even with me now gone they’ll be able to support her.
the freedom I now feel is immense. I miss him a lot, but I’ll never date another man with children again.

Well done OP, that must have been very hard, but the right thing in these circumstances imho.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

8 year olds Families
gingerguineapig · 31/07/2023 12:30

If she genuinely has behavioural issues or special needs, then they need looking at. Why has her own mother or grandmother not gone to the GP if her useless father won't?

It's not the OP's responsibility and she can easily say not my problem.

gingerguineapig · 31/07/2023 12:31

Just seen the update - glad you have resolved the issue OP but sorry it ended like this. Good luck with future relationships and remember not all dads are useless.

Teajenny7 · 31/07/2023 12:33

Jeffersdya · 31/07/2023 11:56

Thank you everyone, I’ve only just caught up with replies and appreciate all the advice and support.
we spoke about the issues and that she needs to see a doctor, he told his ex who came to my house and tried to be physical with me so the police were involved.
I called a day on the relationship.
I reported my concerns to the girls school so hopefully even with me now gone they’ll be able to support her.
the freedom I now feel is immense. I miss him a lot, but I’ll never date another man with children again.

I think you have made the correct decision.
The mother obviously has serious issues. Glad you contacted the police.
Both parents need to go on a parenting course.
Good luck and I hope you meet someone nice in the future.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/07/2023 12:36

@Jeffersdya

You've done the right thing for all involved.

Narrowing your field to men without kids is a valid choice. One I made myself years ago and never regretted. I found my 'childless' Mr Right and we've been married over 35 years and raised 2 DC of our own.

Hopefully this will spur your ex bf to get off his arse and get his child the help she needs.

Willmafrockfit · 31/07/2023 12:38

the police? oh dear
that you have ended the relationship

Lollipop81 · 31/07/2023 12:40

I think you are wrong to stop her from sleeping at your house, your partner is her father so regardless of what issues she has she should be free to stay. She is a child remember. But it does sound like there is a medical reason behind this, and someone should be speaking to a doctor to find out what that is and to help her. It can’t be nice for her to keep waking up either, so it is really unfair for it not to be looked int.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 31/07/2023 12:43

Jeffersdya · 28/07/2023 12:11

Its my house not dp hence me calling it a sleepover and not visitation. He would usually have her at his parents house but they have also refused for her to sleep there, they’re in their 70s and can’t cope with her hyperactivity so I offered and now deeply regret it.
its 2 weekends on 2 weekends off plus occasionally once on week days.
She has huge black bags under her eyes but doesn’t seem to feel tiredness. She is hyper throughout the day too so you’d assume she slept well. I did consider autism or adhd but didn’t want to label unfairly if this isn’t the cause.
She’s supposed to stay this weekend and I’m absolutely dreading it, if she doesn’t stay here then dp will have to take her back home to sleep which won’t go down well with his ex. He’s a good dad but he hasn’t a clue how to deal with situations like this.

I would ban her from your house , as you’ve clarified it’s your house and your not married, but until DP has got her seen by doctors - and has a diagnosis and pathway forwards
at that Point reassess- it will depend on treatment being given and weather parents comply

in meantime, given your situations, then it’s fine to ban her TEMPORARILY

she needs to be seen by GP. sleeping only for 2 hours at a time will have the potential to affect her mental health and her performance at school. She mightn’t be showing it, but it will be affecting her. It needs to be sorted. If parents aren’t doing this, then yes, using a “not in my home” technique may work to get dp to take DSD to Gp. If he still won’t deal with his daughters issues and help her, then I’d be questioning what sort of person he is that will let his daughter build up potential health issues and disadvantages at school 🤷🏼‍♀️

Muthaofcats · 31/07/2023 12:59

Poor little girl - he may be a good dad but it sounds like her needs are being neglected - think how tired you are after only a couple days a month of this, and then remember how many more hours kids need and that’s her experience every day. She needs her mum and dad to help her deal with this. I obviously feel fit you too but the main concern is this poor child who isn’t having her basic needs met - she needs to go to a doctor. I’d start by making it about her needs rather than about yours and as he’s a caring dad hopefully this will work. But of course you’re not being unreasonable to say you can’t accommodate his kid if no one can sleep, although this may have long term implications for your relationship because of course he is always going to choose his child over any new relationship (one would hope) so if you see him as a potential long term partner you probably do need to accept that she’d be sleeping at your house and need your love and support along with that of her parents

Takeabreather23 · 31/07/2023 13:05

@Jeffersdya ive just came
out a relationship and was step mum . As said above I’ve kids of my own but eldest two are very grown up and I said I won’t date anyone with kids after my experience lol .

Its just too much when rhey don’t support you .

Folklore9074 · 31/07/2023 13:06

You’re best off out of this OP. So difficult but calling a day on the relationship is absolutely the right thing.

tootallfortheshelf · 31/07/2023 13:09

I feel like her Mum deserves a break and her Dad has a duty to chip in those nights
This is the mum who threatened to break the ops jaw for her 😬
the parents are a pair of dysfunctional horrors, the poor girl 😢

sfd146 · 31/07/2023 13:11

This child certainly needed medical intervention. Whether she is on the spectrum or not. The hyperactivity is a symptom of something far more serious. If the father is not prepared to intervene, it’s not your place to tolerate it. I understand. I’m a light sleeper to. Don’t feel guilty for putting your foot down in your own home. The father needs to make alternative arrangements.

MinnieGirl · 31/07/2023 13:13

Jeffersdya · 31/07/2023 11:56

Thank you everyone, I’ve only just caught up with replies and appreciate all the advice and support.
we spoke about the issues and that she needs to see a doctor, he told his ex who came to my house and tried to be physical with me so the police were involved.
I called a day on the relationship.
I reported my concerns to the girls school so hopefully even with me now gone they’ll be able to support her.
the freedom I now feel is immense. I miss him a lot, but I’ll never date another man with children again.

I find it really odd that she would react so strongly…. Not normal at all. I think you’ve probably had a lucky escape there….

Enriquetta · 31/07/2023 13:18

What a sad outcome, but you've done the right thing OP, I wish you huge luck

I hope things work out for this little girl - well done for flagging it to the school

billy1966 · 31/07/2023 13:24

Wise call.

Your children deserve better than this drama in their home.

Good luck.

Mooy · 31/07/2023 13:35

When you invite a man with children to live with you, you are also inviting his children to live with you, regardless of wither you fully own the property or not. Banning children from their father's home is completely unreasonable. He is her parent and is responsible for parenting her, not just her mother and that includes the hard bits. You need to get on board with that, and support your partner in that, or end the relationship.
I'd suggest speaking to your partner again about taking her to the doctor. If he still refuses, and her mother refuses I think I'd be putting in a call to social services. But even if she does go to the doctor, there will be a waiting list and treatments will take time to work (and might not all be successful). During that time it would be totally wrong of both you and your partner to abdicate responsibility for the girl and leave it entirely to her mother to manage. You need to decide if you can either step up as a step parent and partner or leave. You can't be one without the other, your partner and his children are a package deal.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 31/07/2023 13:39

Mooy · 31/07/2023 13:35

When you invite a man with children to live with you, you are also inviting his children to live with you, regardless of wither you fully own the property or not. Banning children from their father's home is completely unreasonable. He is her parent and is responsible for parenting her, not just her mother and that includes the hard bits. You need to get on board with that, and support your partner in that, or end the relationship.
I'd suggest speaking to your partner again about taking her to the doctor. If he still refuses, and her mother refuses I think I'd be putting in a call to social services. But even if she does go to the doctor, there will be a waiting list and treatments will take time to work (and might not all be successful). During that time it would be totally wrong of both you and your partner to abdicate responsibility for the girl and leave it entirely to her mother to manage. You need to decide if you can either step up as a step parent and partner or leave. You can't be one without the other, your partner and his children are a package deal.

  1. She didn't invite him to live with her. Even if he was trying to move in on the sly.
  2. He's hardly parenting if he's not only got less than 50:50, he's trying to outsource the care to the girlfriend and wouldn't rent accommodation that enabled him to look after his own child without somebody else doing it for him, like his parents and girlfriend.
  3. It wasn't her responsibility
  4. She wasn't a step parent
  5. She's ended the relationship and sent him back to his own, unsuitable for children, accommodation
Crazydonkeylady · 31/07/2023 13:58

Gosh what a dreadful ordeal you’ve been through. I hope you’re okay and that the child gets the assessment and support she needs too x

wandawaves · 31/07/2023 13:58

Sorry to read your update OP. But good that you'll no longer be involved in the drama.

beanii · 31/07/2023 13:59

Stick to your guns - no way would she be staying in my house 🤷‍♀️

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/07/2023 14:01

Onwards and upwards op

momonpurpose · 31/07/2023 14:07

Gymmum82 · 28/07/2023 12:15

No chance. Her own grandparents won’t have her over. Put your foot down. Maybe this will push the parents to actually get some help for the poor kid. This is absolutely not normal or healthy

No way in hell should you put up with this. Ban her