Stepdd doesn’t sleep, fair to ban from sleep overs?

[Jeffersdya]

Stepdd is 8 and doesn’t sleep through the night.
She wakes every 2 hours and will play with toys/read a book to then run wild around the house until she falls asleep again on the spot, then repeat.
She does this regardless of where she is sleeping - either at my house with her dad and I, at her grandparents house (dp parents who will no longer have her for this reason) or at her house with her mum.
Despite being told to stay in bed and be quiet, she won’t. I’m at the end of my tether being woken non stop, as I’m such a light sleeper I can’t settle until it‘s quiet and she’s definitely asleep. It’s causing arguments between dp and I because he won’t set firm boundaries about this and makes excuses to avoid telling her off.
I’ve suggested it may not be behavioural but health related, and she needs to see a doctor. Cue abuse from dp ex for suggesting such a thing.
I’m fed up with hearing excuses when an 8 year old should be able to sleep in bigger stretches than 2 hours and should know it’s not acceptable to disturb others in the night.
I’ve now refused for her to sleep at my house again unless help is sought and the issue is resolved. I’m being bombarded with messages telling me I’m an awful person and I’m bullying stepdd, from dp ex family. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to sleep a full night in my own home and expect boundaries and respect from dp to ensure that happens.
Now I’m doubting myself and that I should put up with it because ‘it’s what kids do’.
What’s your take on it?

@Jeffersdya

After reading all your comments I agree with you. You are not responsible for hosting your partners child, he doesn't even live with you and I wonder if most people commenting realise that, that your partner has his own home. It's not your fault it's not suitable for his daughter to sleep over.

With comments like I'm going to rearrange your jaw, I wouldn't be having anymore to do with that family, your not even responsible for his child so you shouldn't be getting any crap for being nice. I advise you don't buy a house with your partner anytime soon. If you both live together your partner has every right to have his daughter stay over.

I assume the daughter gets to do what she wants at night because her own mum is exhausted with her. She probably let's her play knowing she'll go to sleep eventually, realistically the mum can't stay up all night so she's got to sleep.

I'm assuming your partner has told mum what you said about not staying at your house, is that why she's text you? Your partner needs to be careful with what he's relaying back to his daughters family.

Everyone needs to remember this is your boyfriends child NOT your stepchild.

@Jeffersdya how is she at school? could the dad talk to her teachers in September? Maybe if the things came from the school like the suggestion for ADHD and so on would be more accptable for the mother?

try and get a teacher on your side.

(I have an autistic kid and another with suspected adhd so understand a bit)

they are being neglectful of her needs.
she needs sleep
they need to arrange a doctor appointment

It’s not unreasonable to insist sleepovers stop until they get help for it. It isn’t normal behaviour.

So where does your partner live if not with you does he not have a home of his own he can take his daughter to. Hes a grown man he needs to sort out his own home where he can have his daughter on his weekend contact rather than relying on everyone else offering up their homes for him to crash at

Sounds like parents are in denial about her health conditions. If she is very bright she needs mental and physical stimulation.
What does DP do with his daughter during the day?

Her mother sounds unpleasant and needs help.
Her paternal grandparents seem uncaring. So much for loving Grandparents.
They must have realised the difficulties it would cause by banning their Grandaughter.

Has Dad spoken to school about her sleep pattern?
Many girls with problems mask it at school but they should be informed. It may be useful to let them know the difficulties in her sleeping habits and where she actually gets a bed a bed at the weekend.

I understand your concerns about your stepDD staying over night. Also, in the different styles of ideas of child rearing.
It is very different having a ND child to a NT child.
I noticed you actually referred to her as stepdaughter which one assumes means more than boyfriend's daughter.

The poor girl needs help.
If DP can't or won't make an appointment at the GP could he write to them. He is still her father and needs to step up.

People have mentioned medication to make her sleep. I belive the medications mentioned have to be prescribed by a Consultant (or at least they use to be).
Waiting list at Calms are very long across the country.

One assumes he can't afford to buy a place after his divorce which makes it difficult. Could he move back in with the unloving grandparents. Hopefully, he could live there cheaper than in the shared accommodation. Assuming logistics allow. He could then get an Airbnb or hotel with his daughter at the weekends.

The above might not be good for your relationship as a couple. Nor do I think banning his 8 year old daughter from staying overnight is good for your relationship.

I realise it is hard getting a disturbed sleep is hard for everyone. It can't be good for the child either.

I hope the child gets help. Sadly, even if she is seen by GP it will be a long time before (if ever) her sleep issues are resolved.

Good luck

YANBU

You've offered a solution which I agree with.

The child is suffering and her parents are doing nothing about it, which I think it's horrendous.

But if they refuse to find a way to fix her sleep you shouldn't have to suffer the consequences of their selfish behaviour. Not like you can take her to the GP or anything.

There are both reasonable parts and unreasonable to this issue. Firstly, I sympathise with you in that being a step parent isn’t easy and unfortunately you are going to get a lot of mums here raging at you for the fact that you don’t love your stepchild like you’re own- most of us fellow step parents understand it’s not that easy so on that part… I understand why it feels like an absolute nightmare and pain in the bum especially as it’s your own house!

secondly, it does sound abnormal for an 8 year old to wake that much and be that hyperactive. It definitely seems to suggest adhd or autism and the parents of your SD should be looking into why it’s such an issue rather than just allowing it to be the way it is.

The bit that makes it unreasonable is that you’re DP only has his daughter a very short amount of time and therefore you’re over exaggerating the impact on yourself a lot when you both get so much free time to yourselves- surely the mother deserves more sympathy and it would seem now you’ve banned her from staying overnight… her poor mum has to deal with it EVERYNIGHT. There is an element of, you’ve taken on this relationship knowing he has a child and you should be offering to support in resolving the issue if you are to carry on because you can’t ban you’re partners daughter inevitably. It’s a tough one because I understand why you’d try to take a hard stance if you’re just trying to get DP to wake up and do something… but it can’t be the permanent solution!

Also your BF needs to grow a pair! What would he do if he weren't in a relationship with you?
He needs to see the mum is denying medical care to their DD which falls under child abuse and neglect. He could go to Children's Services, see a solicitor etc.

I'd also seriously question staying in a relationship where my BF's ex is threatening to rearrange my jaw. First of all, shows the nature of the ex and all the problems that will come further along. Second of all, if BF had a backbone and his child's best interest at heart that conversation wouldn't had ever happened!

No, she shouldn't do that at all, op is already getting abuse anymore words of advise could get op hurt.

Op has made her feelings clear and needs to not say anything further about any of it. It's up to the parents to make the next steps.

Op, if your partner does take his child to the gp I advise you don't go with them as mum will see that as you making that decision. Dad needs to be the one doing it.

They need to go doctors and have a professional decide if it's normal. It's totally reasonable for you to say she can't sleep at your house because the parents aren't trying to solve they expect you to tolerate it. It's not fair on the child either. I would not want to be with a man who neglects his child in this way

We are hardly in a position to say "it's not her fault", are we?

At 8 yrs, she should at least be able to stay quiet if she really cannot help the waking multiple times in the night.

It seems as if she's making no effort.

I think your dp's parents may be on to something. I would ban her too, until some kind of effort was made. Diagnosis and/or absolute quiet if she wakes while you're asleep.

I think your dp is being defensive. Maybe there is actually nothing physically or mentally wrong with her, and he doesn't want this being flagged because it puts the responsibility back on him to rein her in.

Can her father sleep in her room and put her back to bed when she wakes up? He should deal with it, particularly if he won't seek outside help. After a few nights he may be keen to take her to the GP.

Her parents are being unreasonable not doing anything about it. Some children don't produce melatonin to help them sleep. But is she getting out enough during the day? If I didn't take my son on a long walk even with sleep meds he doesn't sleep. But he has autism and ADHD. Is she tired during the day? If she just stayed in bed awake she would struggle even more to fall back to sleep.

OP is not banning anyone from sleeping at their dad's.

She's banning an unruly child from sleeping over at her, OP's, house.

The bit that makes it unreasonable is that you’re DP only has his daughter a very short amount of time and therefore you’re over exaggerating the impact on yourself a lot when you both get so much free time to yourselves- surely the mother deserves more sympathy and it would seem now you’ve banned her from staying overnight… her poor mum has to deal with it EVERYNIGHT. There is an element of, you’ve taken on this relationship knowing he has a child and you should be offering to support in resolving the issue if you are to carry on because you can’t ban you’re partners daughter inevitably. It’s a tough one because I understand why you’d try to take a hard stance if you’re just trying to get DP to wake up and do something… but it can’t be the permanent solution!

The mother should get off her twat and take the child for assessment then.

Why can't she ban the child from her house 'inevitably' (indefinitely, I assume you mean)? It is her house. She can do what she wants.

I think you need to re-evaluate your relationship.

The parents are not coping with their DD, and I don't think this will get better. She needs an assessment, clearly something is wrong.

You are getting abuse - completely unacceptable.

You are being made into the bad guy for expecting reasonable behaviour from your partners child. If they don't deal with her issues now, the teenage years are going to be awful.

If its bad now, when its your home, imagine what it will be like if you have a home together.

Re-evaluate.

Hi OP, shitty situation you face. It seems to me that the sleeping isn't even the biggest issue, dp having to co-parent with someone verbally abusive towards you and neglectful of their child is.

I had insomnia as a child and even though I didn't disturb others it was no good at all for my health. It was also caused by my family situation - besides possible adhd, is it possible that this charmer of a mother affects her daughter's mental health?

Whatever it is, your dp will have to tackle it. Does he really need the mother's permission to get the ball rolling on diagnosis? It sounds like he's in for a difficult time and you have to decide whether you want to go through it with him. I hope you can make it work.

My advice would be walk out of that relationship for your own good and the good of the kid. When your reaction to a kid struggling is to bully the kid, it is a clear indication that you will never be truly happy with having a kid with problems in your relationship and you will make the kid unhappy too.

It's OP home
It's op boyfriend
The father lives in a house share
The child's mother wont allow the child to stay in the house share
The paternal grand parents used to host their son and grandchild but can no longer cope
OP offered to take over hosting from the grand parents but it has now become too much for her
Both parents are idiots and refuse to get medical help for their child
The mother and her family are threatening towards the op

OP you have every right to say no.

Best summary ever.

He isnt a good dad. He cannot even house his child. He cannot provide a roof over her head. She needs medical attention at this stage. What have school said? Does he know? Has he had a conversation with them? Why would the father need the mothers permission to attend a doctors appointment?

why are you looking at all this, his attitude, his ex’s threats? And staying with him?

When your reaction to a kid struggling is to bully the kid, it is a clear indication that you will never be truly happy with having a kid with problems in your relationship and you will make the kid unhappy too.

Jesus fucking Christ. How is the OP bullying the girl?

I’d be looking for a new boyfriend if i was you OP

Do you characterise everyone that doesn't offer accommodation to someone else and their kid as bullying? Seems a strange definition.