Do you think you subconsciously judge other mothers' with 2+ fathers to their children?

[mysavinggrace123]

Could potentially have three children by three different fathers. (Already have two by two)

This isn't particularly something I would shout from the roof tops.

There is a part of me that feels I would have a tarnished reputation.

I mean, do I judge women with 2+ (children) fathers myself...?? Hmmm... I can't say I do, but I have definitely been 'surprised' by a few women who I would have never expected.

What do you think?

What’s your rationale for that? Surely any of the same considerations apply when you have a six year old as when you have a younger child. I think six IS a small age gap when you’re talking about a different combination of parents.

I used to judge silently twenty or so years ago and then I realised it made me an asshole.
Also my friend once said to me that she was planning on having another child with her womanising ex so that her daughter could have a proper sibling. Because otherwise it’s not real (friend is a lawyer and not an idiot) and I thought to myself, WTAF is wrong with people?!! And knew I didn’t want to be that person.

No because if you read the thread, you'd see that most people are NOT judging 2 different fathers, in fact quite the opposite, they find it normal.

I have three and there are two different fathers. Big gap between DC1 and DC2. I was single for a long time plus needed time to figure it out and make sure I didn’t end up in another bad situation.
IME I know other women in same position as me. They learnt lessons after the first relationship which was quite often very toxic and damaging to themselves and the children. However, three or more dads seems to indicate that lessons haven’t been learned at all. It all seems very chaotic and unsettling for the kids.
That is just what I have observed. I am sure there are reasons why peoples lives end up the way they do.

I wouldn't judge from a moral standpoint exactly. I would probably wonder how they balance the three different sets of parents and access etc. for the kids. I fully acknowledge though that this is largely based on my cousins, both of whom (a brother and a sister) have 'three by three' each... In both cases it's pretty messy.

My male cousin's three kids barely know each other because of his access patterns (he's a crap dad tbh). My female cousin has a tendency to dive all-in with every new relationship, encouraging the kids to view each new man as 'dad' and actively trying to sabotage access with their actual dads (she's now doing this again and as she's still in her mid 30s I wouldn't be surprised if the fourth baby by a fourth dad will be along soon...). So she has three kids all variously seeing (or not) their real dads, seeing (or not) former 'stepdads' who they've been pushed to see as dads, and navigating dads/former stepdads who no longer want to know - especially hard for the oldest DS whose former stepdad still regularly sees his bio son but has no interest in seeing his former stepson who he raised from being a baby, called him dad and has no contact with his own bio dad. Like I say, a mess!

Obviously not all situations are the same but yeah... in all honesty my first thought would probably be a hope that the kids involved are happy and being prioritised.

Yes, and fathers too. Not from a moral standpoint, but from a lack of understanding why someone would choose that for themselves and their children.

There’s things that people judge me on though, and that doesn’t bother me at all, so I don’t believe that anyone needs to care about my judgements either.

@MiddleParking "
What’s your rationale for that? Surely any of the same considerations apply when you have a six year old as when you have a younger child. I think six IS a small age gap when you’re talking about a different combination of parents."

OK. For me, the focus should be in the children. I can easily imagine someone having 3 (or more) serious relationships in a lifetime. What I don't like is the idea of having children when relationships are in a state of flux. I agree that 6 years isn't a huge amount to time to resolve and settle the aftermath of a breakup- but it is doable and I'd probably give someone the benefit of the doubt in those circumstances. Any less and it is obvious that the children were not the most important people in the scenario.

I suppose my thinking with 3x3 or more is that you've already got personal experience that marriages don't necessarily last.

I wouldn't have wanted to be a single parent to three (or more) children. Two is pretty manageable, and I've loved being a single parent to mine for the past 12 years, but three would start to look like hard work to me!

My eldest has now left home and I'm loving a bit of time with my daughter with the house (largely) to ourselves. I'm sure I'd have loved any other children I'd had just as much as I love them but it never felt necessary to have more. And, like others have said, I wouldn't want to be jugglingultiple exes, contact, maintenance.

We're very lucky that my exh regards my eldest as his and has treated him as such with maintenance, contact, ongoing support etc. And, as much as he can be an arse, I have told him that I recognise, appreciate and value his commitment to 'our' eldest child.

My judgement is reserved for the absent fathers or those who turn their backs on other children of the family as they are not 'theirs' rather than the women who are holding it together.

😲🤯

My grandmother was much the same, four children, four fathers (presumably, as she didn't know who the father was for at least one of them), only one she raised, the rest went off to fathers, and one was adopted out. No one could say that she lived wisely or well, but it's not something I care to hide. After all, it's not like that's how I'm living my life.

I do get it though, shame isn't rational— I remember teachers assuming my parents were still together when I was growing up and I didn't want to correct them. It wasn't something that ever bothered me until people made assumptions.

I wouldn't have had more than one dad for my children, even if it meant I could only have one.

My childhood was difficult enough just in a step family, without half siblings to consider. It makes me feel sad seeing children having similar experiences to me. But my parents pretty much always out us last, so it's just my own experience talking.

Yes i would judge. I can't imagine the complicated and instability of 3 or 4 different dads and step dads. 2 is understandable and quite normal. It wouldn't just be judgemental in terms of how they ended up in that position but also the day to day running of things, I can't imagine it being anything but chaotic. And the judgement would be equal, a man with 3 or 4 kids with different woman would be a lowlife in my view.

I'm always fascinated how these women manage to meet new men when they are so busy? Not the point of the thread i know.

Benefits - as in benefits to them, I wasn't just talking about child benefit.

Child maintenance off Dad 1, child maintenance off Dad 2 and so on. Child tax credit, working tax credit, etc etc

The only women I know with lots of kids are literally rolling in it. £1500 a month alone off the Dads and then a minimum wage min hours job that tops up to £2k a month.

Trust me - I know exactly how the benefits system works and so do these women. You're all deluded if you think there's nothing in it for them.

Have name changed to reply to this because this woman could cause me a lot of grief. There is a woman who lives on a massive council estate in south Manchester who has NINE children to seven different men, none of the fathers can stand her, the oldest is in 20s the youngest a toddler. She literally spits kids out every few years to avoid working. She's been on Jeremy Kyle for DNA tests, she's constantly screaming and shouting at someone, her eldest has been in the papers for domestic abuse, her under age teens use vapes, she puts bricks through peoples windows, harasses anyone who pisses her off relentlessly and involves her children in it too. Several of her kids have also been in the care system. I and many others judge her every single day. She's horrific.

I know a 3x3, woman is no longer with any of them but in a new relationship. Thankfully he's not interested in having kids of his own

@Upandonward I would be significantly less judgemental of people who had children with multiple people in the days before effective and easily available contraception.

Those poor kids...

Re south Manchester estate woman. She could not work without having more kids if she was determined

2 fathers? No of course not. I know loads of people in this situation... including my own grandmother whose first husband died in the war leaving her with a baby...she remarried and had more children.

3 fathers...I'd probably silently question your judgement and wonder if you rushed into things but I wouldn't have terrible thoughts about you or pass moral judgement.

4 or more is quite a shocking number imo...and I would assume you had a chaotic life

My second cousin has 4 kids with 4 different partners. Nice enough girl but hasn´t made the best choices in life.

I actually have a theory that women with multiple kids feel more compelled to have a baby with a new partner because of her existing kids...what I mean is she is bringing a man into a family unit yet he has no biological ties to that unit so has no real obligation. She feels like if he is being thrown into this family set up she needs to provide a biological obligation for him to stay so she gets pregnant...and it becomes a cycle.

Those on this thread with a least 2x2 appear to be using the circumstances of their previous relationship breakdowns to explain why they had another. Just because you always wanted 3 kids but the first 2 dads flaked out, isn't a reason for having a 3rd with another man. Your putting your own needs first, not those of the kids

I think there is an element of this and alluded to it in a previous post.

I know that, whilst I didn't want an only child because we have a tiny family as both of my parents were only children, I was personally happy with one child.

It made no difference to me but, when we decided to have a second, my exh stated a biological connection to our eldest as one of his reasons. It was mainly so that, if anything happened to me, he felt he'd have more of a 'claim' to residency of the eldest. I'm nc with my mother now due to abuse and child protection concerns but prior to that, she'd made noises that, if anything happened to me, she would go for residency and his (step)dad would have no claim. Neither he or I wanted that.

I wouldn't have had a third though.

I think we’ve also been sold the lie that kids need a father figure in their life and women need men to function - that doesn’t help some people’s serial dating decisions.

@WeetabixTowels agree 100 %