Do you think you subconsciously judge other mothers' with 2+ fathers to their children?

[mysavinggrace123]

Could potentially have three children by three different fathers. (Already have two by two)

This isn't particularly something I would shout from the roof tops.

There is a part of me that feels I would have a tarnished reputation.

I mean, do I judge women with 2+ (children) fathers myself...?? Hmmm... I can't say I do, but I have definitely been 'surprised' by a few women who I would have never expected.

What do you think?

I think this is very judgmental. I had my son, whilst married to my first husband, had been married for 5 years. He had an affair when our son was 6 weeks old and moved 400 miles away to live with the other woman and her son.

I was single for 8 years, then met my now husband and we have a daughter.

How can you judge me, on the actions of my ex husband?

Some people really struggle to see different family units can be stable family unit.

I find it fascinating that people have more than one/two & wonder how it is, who has sees their dad when, juggling everything etc, but no, don’t judge. It’s just life and everyone is different.

How would you feel if your children followed your footsteps and had 3 children by 3 different partners?

(Potentially if you have another child!)

If I was a bit younger and had more money and wanted some more kids I would want them to be with men that got lost

People may not set out to have multiple marriages/relationships but they don't have to have children with each partner do they?

Children are a choice not an essential. A good loving parent cares about the life they give their child/children. Keep giving them different step dads along with half siblings is almost certainly not the path to a happy contented life.

sandybeaches74

Totally agree.

I have (had) friends who are in very unhappy relationships. I know that at least one of those couples not exactly 'judged' me but pitied me. They live in a lovely, aspirational, middle class area. They have a combined 6 figure household income. On the surface (and according to fb), they are the perfect family. They are not.

The atmosphere in their house is toxic. They bitch and snipe at each other and the passive aggressive comments are spectacular. He has affairs (I'm assuming - he propositioned me for one and that's why the friendship ended) and she turns a blind eye telling everyone who will listen that he doesn't even notice other women. The youngest child had behavioural problems at school as a result of the home environment and the eldest cried on my shoulder more than once. As did the wife.

But, hey, at least they're still together; at least they're a family; at least their children don't come from a 'broken home'...

If I'm going to judge anyone for their choices...

Judge, no. My husband and I are both from families with the mum having 2 fathers for their children. My dad was the best thing that could have happened for my older siblings.

Choose it myself? Never. I'm pregnant now, and however things turn out, I'm never blending my family in the future. My husband will be the only father of my kids.

I just couldn't deal with the hassle of it, frankly. I don't want more kids enough to want to make them with someone else.

I’m an ok parent, nit the best but trying but I still consider my DC in all major decisions. One day I won’t have to, but while she’s a child and in my care the decisions I make for my life will inevitably affect her. She relies on me to try to get it right so no I don’t always get to do what I want but it is what it is. Providing stability is a key part of that. My childhood was unstable (not in the way described here) and it’s affected me my entire life.

You can leave a relationship for any reason. You are under no obligation to keep having children.

Don't be absurd. For a start it's not mandatory to have 3 kids. You could have also chosen to leave the shitty husband and focus on a great & stable life for your kid(s) without adding extra siblings and 'dads' on the regular. Lots of people do just that.

People may not set out to have multiple marriages/relationships but they don't have to have children with each partner do they?

I agree.

Hpwever, I used to work in Child Protection where, as you might imagine, there are many parents with their own issues, from abusive childhoods, with unresolved trauma etc. And I now work in education where I also see/know a lot of different family set ups.

IME, many of the women who do this are desperate to be loved and desperately searching for their happy ever after. They believe that this (or the next) man will be the answer to their problems. They want to give him a child so that he feels part of the family; to 'validate' the relationship; to show the world that they can make a relationship work. They equate being in love and having a relationship with having a baby together. And/or they simply don't have many other options available to them (in their eyes).

Being a mother is who and what they are and no one has ever suggested, and they don't have the capacity to realise for themselves, that they deserve more than this. Nevermind the children.

I think she’s saying she stayed in a bad relationship for fear of being judged as single with 3 kids to different fathers

@Seriously79 @Leopardspotsneverchange If you read the thread you'd see that everyone agrees that 2 kids with 2 partners isn't even worthy of note, it's so common and understandable for a variety of reasons. It's when the 2nd relationship breaks down and 'Daddy' and sibling number 3 comes along into the existing kids lives, and then number 4 and so on.

It's the effect that undoubtedly has on the existing kids, especially if the relationships they each have with their Dads are different. Imagine the kid with the entirely absent Dad seeing their brother go off to have fun with his loving involved Dad every week.

Of course relationships end and it's not always a mutual decision, but it's not mandatory to keep having more kids.

The judgement on this thread is why even my DH doesn’t know my family history. I have never told a soul because I’m ashamed of my DGM, even though she died before I was born.

DGM had 4 DC to 3 men, none of whom she married. She had previously been married but divorced her DH because he didn’t want DC. So she went onto have -

1st DC - married man with DC
2nd DC - some random man she met
3rd DC - same father as DC1, born 9 months after DC2
4th DC - man with whom she had a relationship for years until he died, but never married. This man ended up being the only father figure they all knew and DM always spoke highly of him.

The first 3 DC were born in the 1940’s, the last early 1950’s. My DM never mentioned how they were treated by society but given how historically unmarried women and children born out of wedlock were treated I wonder if she has deliberately kept quiet.

Am now NC with DM but I do wonder if her behaviour and attitudes, which led to going NC, result from her childhood and how she may have been treated by society etc. All 4 siblings are emotionally massively screwed up and only my DM defends their DM’s actions.

So, I’ve never told even DH of the above as I know this side of my family is massively unusual and shameful, particularly for the era in which it took place. Luckily they live a long/haul distance away and he’s never met anyone but my DM so no chance of finding out.

I judge the fathers who walk away from their children and family, then start another family elsewhere, rinse and repeat.

The element I judge is having to have a child in every relationship. I'm of the view I have had my family, I don't want any more children, that won't change with a new partner. I just can't grasp the concept of new relationship, needs to mean new baby, it usually looks difficult on the older child. I assume most people who have had 3 by 3 men are by accident though, I assume that's not a choice that is commonly made purposefully.

@gallop17 maybe those women are more fertile

That makes no sense. Leaving partner 2 doesn't force you to start a relationship with a third man and have kids with him. And if you are with the third man you've had kids with then you are already 3x3, splitting up wouldn't affect that.

Nope, I couldn't give less of a shit what other people choose to do. If they're happy, crack on.

Some posters are talking like they have to have a child with every partner they have. It's not essential to have a child with someone.

As I said- for me it's all about age gaps. I DO, I'm afraid, disapprove of anyone, man or woman, who has children very close in age by different people. Minimum 5-6 year gaps? Not so much.

I highly doubt anyone would judge you for this though. There is no reason for you to carry this shame, it is not yours to bear. All families have their skeletons, but we can only be accountable for our own actions.

As for the OP, I would also see it as a sign of a very chaotic household and a parent (male or female) who has poor judgement and/or self worth. I'd feel very sorry for the DCs involved, as even if all parents are present and contributing, there is so much constant movement and change in the house.
I only know one woman in this situation. She is definitely someone who is unable to be alone. When her exH (dad #3) left last year, she was telling everyone how heartbroken she was and how he was the one true love of her life. She was crying outside school every day. Quite literally 2 weeks later she'd met someone he's a complete tool and was posting all over social media how madly in love they are. The middle DC in particular has really struggled with all the changes, and is displaying really challenging behaviours at both home and school. I suspect she will stick at 3 with 3 now given her age, but the damage is already present.

Nope. I have two colleagues - one has 3 kids by 3 different dads - first one she was very young. Then a 10 year gap. 2nd one turned out to be violent . She has her 3rd with a lovely man who has taken on all 3. She's a wonderful mother and kids all very happy and settled . 2nd colleague.. again had first child young and was cheated on. A large gap. 2nd relationship did not work out. Is now with a wonderful man who doesn't have kids. If she chooses to have kids with him who am I to judge. She is also a fantastic mother and kids are her world.

I don’t know that I’d judge per se, it wouldn’t change how I felt about anyone, certainly not if we were friends.

But I’d wonder at the ‘urge’ to have a child with each new man, as it’s not something I’d want to do. Not for me, for the existing child. But then I never had a craving for kids, so it could be that.