Would you let your husband accept this promotion?

[overitunderit]

My DH has been told that he could get a major promotion at work but only if he spends 3 days a week in the office. The only problem is we don't live anywhere near the office so it would mean him spending at least one night away each week plus 3 very long days where he wouldn't see our two small children in the morning or at bed time. He currently does two days a week but he doesn't stay overnight and some weeks he tries to get away with not going at all. That option wouldn't be open to him with the new job.

It would also obviously mean I would have to pick up the slack at home on the three days he is away. I also work and have a hobby and we have a small business together too. We have two young children. My job would need to take a bit of a back seat (it already is). I'm ok with that in theory as I'm not as ambitious generally and I want to be more available for my children. I don't want them to have two parents who work very hard and are away a lot. I wouldn't want to give up my job entirely as I think it would make me vulnerable in the long term and possibly resentful in the short term.

Those are the cons. The pros are that it would be a major stepping stone in his career and that he would get a significant pay increase. We don't know exactly how much but he's already a high earner on 140k a year and that would be likely to increase to around 200k. If he took the job I suppose I could offset him not being around by getting some extra paid help and I may be able to work a bit less too. But then obviously there is likely to be an impact on our family life and there may be an impact on our marriage too?

If he takes the job but hates it he can always move to something else and he'll have that new job title behind him but then again there is unlikely to be anything that pays him anything equivalent local to us so we would need to be careful not to adjust our lifestyle to fit his salary.

What would you do?

Is moving closer to the office an option?

I don’t know if he should take the job or not but I would advise letting your career slide. I know the children are the priority but you need to look after yourself and your pension. You will probably dismiss me as a harbinger of doom but I am speaking from experience, both my own and my friends. There is a possibility that you and your husband will grow apart and separate in the future and you need to make sure you are financially covered . So he can take all the big jobs in the world but let him know that your life is important too

What does he want?

I don't understand how he goes 2 days but can't go 3?

I don’t really think one spouse can ‘let’ or not the other take a job.

What does he want?

If he wanted to do it, I’d be supportive and use the money for some extra help - ideally a mother’s help on the long/overnight days.

I think he should do it

I think he should do it. But I think he should do the long commute 3 days, if he can do it twice he can do it three times.

he’ll still be around four days of the week for the kids, sounds amazing really.

Dont let your career slide but get a nanny to pick up the slack. Sounds like you are both around quite a lot anyway.

What does he want to do?

I would say go for it on the proviso that a) you keep your job, b) you hire in help with the kids (nanny/ mothers help) and c) that he pays into a pension for you, absolutely ring fenced for you should you split in the future.

I'd also look into the option of moving closer to his work.

Well going from 2 to 3 days office based is not a big jump so it doesn't sound that bad. Will he have to work longer hours on his other days too or the same as now? Does he really want the job?

Could you move closer?

Would him doing three days with a stay over be better for routine than long commutes?

Would you let your husband accept this promotion?

Can’t believe I read that, my goodness. How about, ‘should DH and I have a discussion and come to a joint agreement on whether taking an offered promotion is feasible with current family circumstances’.

Sounds like it would work, just put extra $$ towards a cleaner and, if needed, mothers help two days a week.

How long is the commute?

Also, if you say no, would he be resentful? Would it cause problems within your relationship?

You also have to think about your future earnings and pensions. If your career is being put to one side, is it very sensible to put a full stop to any future promotions for your DH too?

Yes, he should take it. Onwards and upwards!

reread the op@overitunderit you don’t LET your partner/ dh/ so etc do anything. You choose together as a team. You’re not his boss neither is he yours.

Have you talked with him about the overall impact on your career? That's important, even if you decide to shift your joint support towards him doing this, there needs to be an agreed acknowledgement that it puts your career at disadvantage for a number of years. I'd be wanting to discuss increasing payments into your pension if your DH does this, so you're not missing out by being the parent who has less time to work.

I completely understand you wanting to be there for the children, it has to be a joint effort from both of you. I think people might pick up your phrase of 'letting DH' do this but it's really about jointly agreeing that one of you is freeing up the other to be able to go off to work.

Absolutely he should take it but you need to have a proper conversation about the implications for you, and how he is going to support you.

Lol thanks for clarifying that for me 🤣. Obviously I know that. But clearly he wouldn't do anything without me agreeing to it. We would need to make a joint decision. So in that sense I do have a veto over it to some extent.

1. is moving closer an option?
2. can he compress his hours so he works a longer day on one of the 3, (when he stays over. And leaves earlier on the 3rd so he can still be home at normal time?
3. what's the commute - will he be able to work on the train? To make sure he's available earlier on the other 2 days
4. is there any flexibility eg every 4th week he only travels 1 day?
5. if you do reduce your hours to compensate then the extra cash absolutely should go towards your pension, outsourcing household tasks like cleaning/housekeeping.

I don’t really understand stand the whole “let him” thing. I’m sure if the genders were reversed there would be an outcry. Sure a joint decision, but in no healthy marriage does permission need to be sought in the manner you describe.

DH used to go overseas often with no discernible pattern while I was still working FT in a massively stressful job. Extra money meant we chucked some of it at the issues. Cleaner, gardener and on one day a week babysitting so I could socialise.

At those numbers, I'd throw mine out if he didn't accept.

I'd consider relocating to accommodate a better commute.

I don't like the tone of your opening line, it's very domineering and controlling. You don't give permission for your husband to do anything. As a couple, you can discuss whether this is right for the family. However it's not up to you to decide as the promotion didn't come to you.

1. Move closer
2. Ditch your hobby
3. He looks for a job closer to home
4. Hire a nanny

Why accept a job so far from home if you don't want to go to the office? Employers have every right to expect a present work force.

But clearly he wouldn't do anything without me agreeing to it. We would need to make a joint decision. So in that sense I do have a veto over it to some extent.

I do find how you're phrasing things a bit odd. "clearly he wouldn't do anything without my agreeing to it".

Well why is it clear? Like I said earlier, if you say no, could he become resentful?

And veto is a really strong term.

We can't move closer. We used to live in London and moved back up north to be closer to family. At the time we moved he was expected in the office a lot less because there was a different CEO but new CEO likes people bums on seats and has explicitly said he wouldn't get this major promotion unless he could commit to three days a week. My DH has said his piece in all meetings about office time not necessarily equating to output, value etc but the CEO seems very old fashioned and won't accept anymore flexibility than 3 days a week in the office. He also wouldn't be able to do it fewer days or compressed hours.

I've spoken to him about my job and I'm very clear that we would need to increase my pension contributions and I'm also clear I don't want to stop completely as I've explicitly said to him "what happens if we break up in 20 years or 5 years or whatever and I'm expected to re-enter the jobs market whilst you're on 300k (or whatever it happens to be at the time)." Having said that I actually don't desperately want to push myself forward for promotions and "big" jobs right now because of the children and because I don't think two "big" jobs are particularly sustainable in a relationship unless you our source basically everything.

And if he doesn't do the three days a week in the office? Sounds as though he would seriously disadvantage himself. The whole tone of your post is off. There's either huge resentment there already or something else. Is moving closer to his office not an option?