Would you let your husband accept this promotion?

[overitunderit]

My DH has been told that he could get a major promotion at work but only if he spends 3 days a week in the office. The only problem is we don't live anywhere near the office so it would mean him spending at least one night away each week plus 3 very long days where he wouldn't see our two small children in the morning or at bed time. He currently does two days a week but he doesn't stay overnight and some weeks he tries to get away with not going at all. That option wouldn't be open to him with the new job.

It would also obviously mean I would have to pick up the slack at home on the three days he is away. I also work and have a hobby and we have a small business together too. We have two young children. My job would need to take a bit of a back seat (it already is). I'm ok with that in theory as I'm not as ambitious generally and I want to be more available for my children. I don't want them to have two parents who work very hard and are away a lot. I wouldn't want to give up my job entirely as I think it would make me vulnerable in the long term and possibly resentful in the short term.

Those are the cons. The pros are that it would be a major stepping stone in his career and that he would get a significant pay increase. We don't know exactly how much but he's already a high earner on 140k a year and that would be likely to increase to around 200k. If he took the job I suppose I could offset him not being around by getting some extra paid help and I may be able to work a bit less too. But then obviously there is likely to be an impact on our family life and there may be an impact on our marriage too?

If he takes the job but hates it he can always move to something else and he'll have that new job title behind him but then again there is unlikely to be anything that pays him anything equivalent local to us so we would need to be careful not to adjust our lifestyle to fit his salary.

What would you do?

As a family you have plenty of income so I wouldn't choose to do anything that made my quality of life worse. Your kids will only be young once then that time is gone.

Work life balance is so important. If you don't have the time and energy to enjoy life what is it all for?

If he earms an extra 60k what is that take home? It's down to 36,000 just with 40% tax, then I think you would have NI (don't know how that works at high earnings level) then pension deductions and possibly student loan. If he has to pay out for accommodation every week and you hire help with a cleaner and childcare another good chunk would be gone. If I could make ends meet I'd rather have the extra time with my other half than extra cash but I guess if as a family you are ambitious/driven by financial success then this job might be a stepping stone to even higher paid work. If you currently all have a nice life I would encourage him to say no.

My husband is on about £105k so less than yours but we're extremely comfortable with a tiny mortgage that being said if he got a chance of a £30k+ payrise I'd practically kick him out of the house to work.

I am self employed and as a result of having a daughter my time to work has decreased and so has my income. I understand people's concerns about pension etc. We treat it as us being team and while he has a good pension, we also pay into mine from his income.

Take the job but make sure it is only 3 days a week, buy more help in at home to ease your burden eg do you have a cleaner and gardener? After a while look for job locally.

i don’t think I would be too happy with him taking this if it impacts your own career. But if it doesn’t make much difference to your own job, and he’s around the other 4 days and fully at the weekends then I’d consider it. How much does he want the promotion- this would be my main driver in my view I think.

Someone made an excellent point above that the company is generally going to the office more so he could have to do 3 days regardless. 3 days on £140k or 3 days on £200k?

i don't "let" my husband do anything any more than he "lets" me do anything.

We do make decisions together based on our family circumstances, needs and wants. Which has, in the past led to changes of job, location and sometimes less money.

Tbh, i'd suck it and see rather than dismiss anything out of hand.

My dh has this type of working pattern and he is a VHE. It was hard when the kids were little and sometimes I resented him for it but on balance it was fine and when he was home he was really very present.

You have moved to be nearer family and support so now is the time to lean into that and get more support.

Take the promotion.

Btw I do think it’s normal to consult a spouse on taking a job that changes family life. DH would definitely consult me (we talked about whether more travelling would be ok for me, it does matter that I am happy with it) if I said “absolutely not” he would most likely decline.

I do understand OP, I have a little one and it’s not easy on little sleep, in a few years it will be easier. I would see it as temporary pain for long term gain. Even if a chunk if the extra income goes on childcare or housekeeping or a gardener eventually the childcare would drop off and there will be more balance. I would agree on the basis that you make changes which enable you to also be happy and comfortable and if you choose to carry on pushing with your career you do that.

I suppose from an objective point of view 3 days is not a long way from 2 but we are still at the stage where our children don't yet reliably sleep through so I find the days when he stays in London exhausting. It means a 5am wake up (although touch wood that seems to be getting better), then all the usual fun of mornings at home with toddlers followed by nursery run then home to work and do any jobs in the house then repeat the other end of the day followed by a night of often very broken sleep and do it all again the following day. Adding another one of those days feels a lot to me although perhaps not to some others who already do something similar.

I get it. And I think the suggestions to buy in help miss the mark in that you can't really buy someone to wake up at 5 am with your toddler. Or you can I guess but it's not easily available and there's every chance your toddler would wake you up anyway

If I was in your position, I would encourage my husband take it with the view he would be in better position in the future to take something more suitable. Also, I would be concerned if he didn't take it, he would be perceived as not a team player. It could potentially hurt his career prospect if he doesn't take the promotion.

In term of your own career, perhaps you can give one or two years and then when your children are a little bit older. Also perhaps your husband salary increase will give you more time to focus on what you want to do

100% the middle part of this.

Do NOT let your future options "slide" to facilitate his, with nothing in it that secures your future.

This will could easily put a strain on the relationship and if it cracks, he has an improved future and you've downgraded yours. You always need to be able to choose to leave too, because if you can't, you can't choose to stay. Doesn't mean you will break up!! It means you need to look at your independent position in the relationship, not view yourself as the couple, his situation and then your situation.

FYI He is viewing the couple as himself and the couple. I don't get the impression he's saying no to the job because it will negatively impact on you, and you're the one telling him to go for it. He's not putting your well-being both now and in the future ahead of his or the couple. There's actually nothing wrong with that, if you're both doing the same. It can be a healthy dynamic. So make sure you are not left weaker in this decision.

For now, you need to use the extra money for a nanny/childminder so that you can catch up on sleep and go to work, and for a cleaner. When they go to school you could possibly rethink that a bit.

Would your husband's employers pay for him to stay locally overnight?

Yes, I would encourage him to take it if he wants to. There are times in a relationship when you have to evolve and re-juggle and this sounds like one of them. With the extra money, I'm sure you could sort extra help. My DH worked away Mon-Thurs for 4 years a few years ago and although it was hard for me, it was a short term sacrifice for long term gain. Now he's working from home most of the time and in a much better position that he would have been if he hadn't done this.

Aah there was a lag in uploading the rest of the thread so I didn't see your updates! Seen them now.

I don't like the term 'let', like he has to ask your permission. My husband would discuss things with me, but ultimately, it's his choice what he does with his own job. It sounds like a great opportunity for him, and for you all as a family with the increased income.

I do have very little sympathy for people who complain about their husbands being away for a day or two though, but that's because mine was in the military, and since leaving, he now works abroad so it can be anything from 6 weeks to 3 months that he's away At a time, a fee weeks at home and then he's off again. We have 5 children, who are home educated, and I do the admin work for his business, so 100% of everything is on me. You just adapt and deal with it.

You sound like my situation
When we had children I wanted a husband who came home at 5 to eat tea with his family .
As our children arrived both of us working , children in after school clubs . Two stressed parents who weren't happy , trying to do our best .
I stopped working as my health was suffering , my husband progressed in his career . I became the SAHM parent at 50 .
The outcome was it works for us . I'm here for our girls , my husband works away sometimes but is very present when at home and weekends and we benefit from his income with days out and holidays .

Our youngest was 5 when my husband started working away . He kept in touch through FaceTime and sent photos of where he was staying which the girls loved .

You have to look at the bigger picture here and if you ( your H/your family unit) want to progress in terms of careers then sometimes you do have to adapt to a less than ideal situation. The hard fact is that you don't get paid good money for doing nothing.

Time has moved on and people are no longer sitting at home working unless their job can be done by anyone to a certain extent or they are so far removed from the coalface. You have to be where the action is and do the time to get the rewards.

As regards your own career then yes use the extra cash to buy yourself time and freedom from chores. It sounds like you have a lot of "wants" - to spend more time with your children, to assist a parent and live where you want to. You say you are not ambitious but maybe your H is. You cannot predict the effect any of this will have on your lives but you can establish plans about how to handle it.

I've spoken to him about my job ....................... as I've explicitly said to him "what happens if we break up in 20 years or 5 years or whatever and I'm expected to re-enter the jobs market whilst you're on 300k (or whatever it happens to be at the time

And he can use the same argument which is why, if I were him, I'd take the job.

I can't believe all the negativity and fuss about the idea that OP may have some say about her husband's job when it directly negatively impacts on them as a family. Who is going to look after the young children when he is away overnight for work? It's not irrelevant that it's OP. This is a family partnership not two people pursuing their own career interests with no thought for anyone else.

OP - What is the value to you of that salary increase? Do you actually need it? Would it be better for your husband to have more contact with his young children? For me it wouldn't be all about the money.

Well you would get at least 50% of what I imagine is a very good pension.

Well you would get at least 50% of what I imagine is a very good pension.

No, she wouldn't.

"Let" your husband?!!! A grown man??

As you say it is a partnership and sometimes each partner takes a different share of the load. Do you really need both parents there every night ? In reality how many parents are there every night? People do shift work eg and I'm sure that even in a household where both are they both take it in turns? You have to look at a bigger picture than this imo.

I don’t (we’ll, can’t) know whether it’s the right decision for you and your family.

but your definitely shouldn’t let your career slide (imo)!

using the extra money for additional help (cleaner, gardener, laundry services etc - or a PT housekeeper - and wrap around childcare) would be a better idea than cutting back your hours IMO.

Yeah, because refusing to acknowledge your language makes it OK. 🙄