Would you let your husband accept this promotion?

[overitunderit]

My DH has been told that he could get a major promotion at work but only if he spends 3 days a week in the office. The only problem is we don't live anywhere near the office so it would mean him spending at least one night away each week plus 3 very long days where he wouldn't see our two small children in the morning or at bed time. He currently does two days a week but he doesn't stay overnight and some weeks he tries to get away with not going at all. That option wouldn't be open to him with the new job.

It would also obviously mean I would have to pick up the slack at home on the three days he is away. I also work and have a hobby and we have a small business together too. We have two young children. My job would need to take a bit of a back seat (it already is). I'm ok with that in theory as I'm not as ambitious generally and I want to be more available for my children. I don't want them to have two parents who work very hard and are away a lot. I wouldn't want to give up my job entirely as I think it would make me vulnerable in the long term and possibly resentful in the short term.

Those are the cons. The pros are that it would be a major stepping stone in his career and that he would get a significant pay increase. We don't know exactly how much but he's already a high earner on 140k a year and that would be likely to increase to around 200k. If he took the job I suppose I could offset him not being around by getting some extra paid help and I may be able to work a bit less too. But then obviously there is likely to be an impact on our family life and there may be an impact on our marriage too?

If he takes the job but hates it he can always move to something else and he'll have that new job title behind him but then again there is unlikely to be anything that pays him anything equivalent local to us so we would need to be careful not to adjust our lifestyle to fit his salary.

What would you do?

What’s to stop the CEO deciding his current role now needs to be 3 days in the office? On that basis if it’s the only negative id be tempted to take it. It would make a move to another company at the promoted level easier if needed too.

Does he want to apply for the promotion, does he want to be away from home for that long, does he want to go into the office more? All questions he needs to answer

DH works away either Sunday'Thursday or Monday to Thursday... he's currently based 5hrs drive away. Yes its extra work for me. But he earns less than half your DHs current salary so we don't have the same money to chuck at the situation! It was preferable to the old situation of us all moving when his job moved.

Do you have space for an aupair or nanny? This will help a lot... one of the biggest issues I have is being in different places at the same time for different children... easier now mine are 10&12.

Because he's away a lot he always makes sure he gets involved in their clubs etc when he is home and makes the most of it.

It's a fair point that you might find, given how much of it would go in tax, NI, commute/accommodation, extra help at home, there wasn't enough left to make it worthwhile

These are good questions. Especially could he talk the role short term and have a longer term plan in mind. If it looks good on his CV and it would open lots of doors it might be worth muddling through in the short term and long term be better off.

Of course he should take it. You can't stall your career over an extra day of commuting. I would get a bit more help at home if he is going to be away a lot.

I work 300 miles away from my work. I'm away 2-3 nights a week and DH manages fine with DC. We earn a lot less than you. We don't outsource anything. You'll be fine.

Ps DH also works. ☝️

Honestly, if he's already earning 140k then I would say don't take the promotion. You should already be pretty comfortable with that salary and your own. A 200k salary is also going to bring more stresses with it than just the long hours, and I wouldn't be happy with the impact of that on normal family life. And I say that as someone who has seen the impact of life stresses and DH being away a lot for the past couple of years (for different reasons) on my marriage and family life.

I'm not sure "let" is the right word. We would have to have a healthy discussion about how it would work and whether a house move might have to be on the cards.

I would do it, the short term cost could lead to longer term better progression. Dh has had to start doing more overseas travel if he wants to progress which I’m fine with because he wants to retire when Dd goes to uni, it gets us closer to that. But buy in more help.

Unfortunately worded as many others have pointed out.

I would do it if I were him. 3 office days isn't a lot more than 2 and still leaves a very reasonable balance. OP has made it clear their work life is taking a back seat - they don't want to go for promotions tbemself, so it seems sensible to capitalise on that by the dh flying free with his career

Accept the promotion.
Options of where to live, if it becomes too tiring, are still open.
Try renting a house in the perfect position that takes an hour off the commute.
The commute itself might be productive if he can work on the train.

One or two nights a week away is nothing. DH is often away with work for significantly less money than yours and for that kind of money, you can afford any help you need.

As Mam who works x2 13 hour shifts one week and x3 13 hour shifts the next week.
I don't get to see my child on those days as she's in bed when I go to and from work.... I don't like it but it's part of my job and I'm at home the other 4-5days.

I don't see what is different about your husband going to work 2 or 3 days and being away overnight once per week. (As sometimes I come home, get washed, go to bed and go to work the next day).

Is it a good promotion/pay rise?

Three days in the office isn't that bad. Just a few years ago it wouldn't have been possible to work from home.

It's all very well saying family comes first and jobs come second. But the lifestyle you enjoy as a family is funded by the jobs, so don't dismiss their importance. You also seem dismissive of the CEO who may have very valid reasons for wanting more people in the office.

Ultimately it is your husband's decision - like others I find your wording concerning.

You're fine but a similar situation led to the breakdown of my relationship, not because I couldn't manage the children and my job but because it became too much time apart

What works for one by no means works for all, no one can say how things might work out for the op

This is what I'd worry about if the CEO has been so vocal about bums on seats. It happened to a friend - turned down a promotion because he'd have to be back in the office substantially more, and then a month later an edict came through that applied to them all. So he was a promotion down and still having to up his commute.

OP I'd say go for it, but probably say stay away 2 nights per week. No point exhausting himself to get home after the kids have gone to bed and youre finally settling down for the night just to get up early and probably disturb everyone in the process. Two nights away and he can come home refreshed and really throw himself into family life for the rest of the week. Then throw money at the issues like cleaning and a childcare helper to make sure you arent taking on too much extra load.

Stop making excuses not to work yourself. Be responsible of your own future earnings and pensions. Your relationship is extremely off balance.

She does work! And run a small business as well

He should probably take the job but he should pay into an extra private pension for you to compensate for any amount you have to decrease your hours to make it bearable. You should get in as much extra help as you need: cleaner, babysitters etc. It is worth being there for your kids as much as possible but the quality of your relationship should determine how much it is sensible for you to dial back your own career.

It's an extra 30k or a year so can't you use some of that to help smooth things

Is it guaranteed though? As you say "could"
in the OP & maybe it's a ploy to get bums on seats

It isnt necessarily that much of a financial advantage. My marginal take home rate is 56% so a £60k increase would be worth £2.8k/month.

What would the cost of commuting and having a pied-a-terre (convenient shoe box) close to the office?

If the CEO is a bums on seats person is there a risk he is going to push this further? Starts at 3 days, Mon to Wed then meetings get scheduled for Thursdays, then Fridays. The costs start to rise

Also consider the lifestyle of a weekly commuting household. Some people can make it work but for others it can be hugely damaging.

I was part of a team where most people were weekly commuters. Most people only lasted a couple of years eventually citing relationship issues as the reason they were moving to roles where they could be closer to home.

One of my colleagues described the culture of the weekly commuters as being like a continuous rugby tour. Too much drinking, too many dinners out. Then going home for a de-tox to a spouse who wants to have some grown up entertainment after a week of child wrangling.

My job would need to take a bit of a back seat (it already is). I'm ok with that in theory as I'm not as ambitious generally

It never ends well.