Would you let your husband accept this promotion?

[overitunderit]

My DH has been told that he could get a major promotion at work but only if he spends 3 days a week in the office. The only problem is we don't live anywhere near the office so it would mean him spending at least one night away each week plus 3 very long days where he wouldn't see our two small children in the morning or at bed time. He currently does two days a week but he doesn't stay overnight and some weeks he tries to get away with not going at all. That option wouldn't be open to him with the new job.

It would also obviously mean I would have to pick up the slack at home on the three days he is away. I also work and have a hobby and we have a small business together too. We have two young children. My job would need to take a bit of a back seat (it already is). I'm ok with that in theory as I'm not as ambitious generally and I want to be more available for my children. I don't want them to have two parents who work very hard and are away a lot. I wouldn't want to give up my job entirely as I think it would make me vulnerable in the long term and possibly resentful in the short term.

Those are the cons. The pros are that it would be a major stepping stone in his career and that he would get a significant pay increase. We don't know exactly how much but he's already a high earner on 140k a year and that would be likely to increase to around 200k. If he took the job I suppose I could offset him not being around by getting some extra paid help and I may be able to work a bit less too. But then obviously there is likely to be an impact on our family life and there may be an impact on our marriage too?

If he takes the job but hates it he can always move to something else and he'll have that new job title behind him but then again there is unlikely to be anything that pays him anything equivalent local to us so we would need to be careful not to adjust our lifestyle to fit his salary.

What would you do?

We’ll, can’t = well, can’t

MY God, you moved to the other side of the country from DHs job?
3 nights away? 3? It is nothing.

You are living in cloud cuckoo land.

If it’s only three hours on the train then I’d move with him as you really won’t be far from family and friends.

So to cut a long story short. You’ve got to look after your own children while your dh is at work, staying away a couple of nights a week. He is going to be on 200k.
Yeah it’s a tough one!

Even though it directly impacts her and her job? So what if she refused to cut her hours, the kids just have to fend for themselves?!

Does she have to cut her hours? The extra income could pay for childcare for the extra day?

I'd think of this as a step along the way. He does bums on seats for up to 2 years. More possibility of flexibility when he has the role perhaps. But also a much better chance of changing jobs to something that suits you all better 2 years down the line (or as soon as he has the role if there is no room for negotiation).
In the meantime, get as much help in as you need to make it all work. For me this was someone who fed the kids before I finished work. So I had bedtime to do but didn't have to do the supper race.

The negativity is not about her having “some say” , I think possibly you misunderstood? I’m sorry.

the negativity is over should she allow him to take this role or not. That’s full say. If a man posted and said should I let my wife take this job as I need her here for childcare, there would be an outcry.

@Naunet
let the children fend for themselves
Having children is a lifestyle choice and one which everybody is aware involves a great deal of sacrifice. I don't know why this seems to come as a surprise to people...
As for the OP, I think she should use the extra money for a housekeeper or babysitter to take some of the load off her, or even nursery fees so she can go back to work..?
You cannot "let" your spouse do something. That is controlling.

On my previous reply I hadn't realised how young your current are but..

You aren't going to gave toddler wake ups at 5am forever. In 6 months or a year, they will be gone. You will have different challenges admittedly! But you need to take a long term view. He might not get another opportunity in a years time. Or this job might give him a step into something that does improve your family life.

So another 60k for 1 more day a week in the office. You'd be rediculous to not consider this. To put it into perspective 60k is double my annual full time wage.

He won't be doing it every week as some weeks he'll be on annual leave.

Yes and it’s not a question of “allowing” him.

We did it for years when the children were small including one year where he was away Mon-Friday and home at weekends with a 3 hour drive at either end of that (they were a baby and 2 years at that time). Mostly after that it was 2 weeks home but in the office ,then 2 weeks away. The secret is having plenty of support. I had no family near but I had good friends. It was tough at times but it got easier as a routine developed.
It hasn’t affected his relationship with them and they’re grown ups now. He spent lots of time with them when he was home.
It’s interesting that you’re viewing your relationship through the lens of “what if we get divorced” though. If you’re married it’s all family money anyway.

IMO you were both incredibly short-sighted to move so far away from where he works. I understand wanting to be close to family but ultimately that's come at a pretty huge cost for your husband/

I'm going to assume it was your idea to move near your parents? In which case I think that you would be pretty selfish to insist on living where you want and go on to say that your DH also can't take a promotion worth 60k.

A straight choice based on priority - and one that lots of couples face.

Your husband earns less but is far more present vs earns more but is far less present.

Money isn't the be all and end all, if this change will put significant stress on your marriage, particularly when your kids are still very young, then it's not worth it.

Right, and he’s sorting that is he? He’s actively looking for ways to make sure she’s not impacted by this new role? And what if her job wants her to start working away over night too, how would that work with no discussion? I just can’t believe that people think a man with a partner and child can do what he wants and it’s OPs job to meekly suck it up and find solutions.

We’d absolutely take the job, it’s one extra day and the benefits far outweighs the negatives which will ease as your children get older.

He can also leverage the move into a better paid local job in the future.

In your position I would use some of the extra cash to get some household help, perhaps a nanny housekeeper.

The night that he’s away you can eat with the kids and go to bed at the same time as them for extra sleep.

Essentially you are weighing up one night away vs £60k + associated higher future earnings. Short term vs long term. To me the answer is clear.

There’s no denying that amount of salary increase could be life changing in some ways, but is it really worth the additional stress it could place on your family? Surely with £140k already + your income + your small business, you’re already pretty comfortable? So many here seem to think it is an obvious yes to taking the job but at some surely point there are trade offs to family life and is it really worth it just so you can get a bigger house, a nicer car, fancier holidays? But your points around it giving the potential for you to further your career and also for your DH potential to find a more senior position more locally off the back of the promotion - definitely worth considering.

I think that I wouldn't mind if it was 3 days in the office. However does he share the pot of money? If he does then I'd be fine about reducing my hours, but if he doesn't and I'm trapped on what ever he decides my budget to be then no, I'd still need to work. My cousins husband got promoted on a mega salary. It went from pooled money to a budget and he saved/spent alot on himself. It caused so.much resentment. She ended up getting a part time job at a shop, that was all.she had to spend on herself. He was a tight git.

And if a husband posted with a title saying “would you let your wife accept promotion”….. just saying.

Ahhh mumsnet you do make me laugh. Why is it so full of people so desperate for a spat so early in the morning?!

The responses to this thread are sad but they highlight just how many women are in unequal relationships. The cannot fathom the concept that a husband may consider the opinion of his wife or that her opinion holds value within the family. It appears a lot of women are just told whats happening in their house.
We will soon be dealing with a similar issue, we have discussed how a change in his job role will negatively affect my life and I have left it with him to figure out the solution to it. I matter just as much in this house and there is no way I will be left with house, kids, pets for the majority of the week. I work just as hard as he does. Luckily, he is awesome so is mulling it over. If we don't work something out, he won't take the job.
Look after yourself and your children OP. He sounds lovely and you sound like a strong couple but you are right regarding pension contributions etc. Outsource whatever you can. Do not move away from family support for Gods sake. Good luck!

Does he need to take the promotion now when the kids are little? I don't understand why someone on £140k a year can't sit on that salary until the kids are older. Women end up doing part time jobs for peanuts to accommodate kids but if a man on £140k gets offered a promotion that takes him away from the family more he should take it right away?

Is the commute 3 hrs each way or 3 hrs a day? If it is 3 hrs each way I think that is unrealistic long term, he'd have to sleep over. I can't imagine how much worthwhile time you have as a family on his work days as he must be out for most of the day and add in eating and sleeping and there can't be much left.

Your days are obviously long as well so can you buy in help with some of his increased salary? A night nanny so you get a good nights sleep and wake up to children fed and dressed? That sounds like a dream to me (I had 4 kids, worked fulltime and by the time the youngest was born my husband was disabled so I was his carer - not the same situation as you but probably similar stress and tiredness wise.) I don't know how old your children are but they do have a habit of getting older and sleeping through and being able to do more for themselves.

I'd go for it but I don't think that means it is right for everyone but I think throwing some money at it (and you would have some extra money) can make things easier.

I hope you can make a decision that is right for all of you.

He willl not be taken seriously if he is refusing to come in 3 DAYS because his wife wants to live near family and will not "let him".

He has no option but to take the "new" job and show willing or work in new location for much less.

He seems to have sacrificed a lot.

A job, you need to be there. This is all because of COVID. Time to move on.

I would hate this ! A burnt out husband, a nanny, not for me. Unless he wants the promotion out of passion I'd ask we make do with what we have and enjoy our family life while the children are small. You don't get this time back.

@overitunderit only you know how much you trust your DH, and how strong your marriage is.

my DH is an MP- so he is away every week in term time from Sunday night to Thursday evening. 3 kids- when he started they were all quite young. my career took a back seat, and he took a pay cut to become an MP. (And earns far less than your DH!)

Being separate from your spouse for half the week is not easy- will you resent his ‘free’ evenings? Will he work long hours when he is away to maximise the time at home when he is there? Can you use some of the increase in pay to help you (cleaner/gardener/more expensive instant meals etc) How will you feel if you’re at home dealing with eg ill kids, and he is out at dinner with colleagues? Will he pull his weight at weekends or will everything domestic be left to you during the week?

it will impact your marriage- being apart does. And you will need to work harder at it. You need to absolutely trust each other, and keep the lines of communication open. If I had my ideal choice, I’d see my DH every day. I don’t. But he loves his job, and I’m not prepared to move our family to London.

what will you do if you hate him being away, but he loves it? How will you deal with that as a couple? Would he give it up if you asked him?

Good luck OP