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Original poster

Would you let your husband accept this promotion?

402 replies

overitunderit · 25/07/2023 06:45

My DH has been told that he could get a major promotion at work but only if he spends 3 days a week in the office. The only problem is we don't live anywhere near the office so it would mean him spending at least one night away each week plus 3 very long days where he wouldn't see our two small children in the morning or at bed time. He currently does two days a week but he doesn't stay overnight and some weeks he tries to get away with not going at all. That option wouldn't be open to him with the new job.

It would also obviously mean I would have to pick up the slack at home on the three days he is away. I also work and have a hobby and we have a small business together too. We have two young children. My job would need to take a bit of a back seat (it already is). I'm ok with that in theory as I'm not as ambitious generally and I want to be more available for my children. I don't want them to have two parents who work very hard and are away a lot. I wouldn't want to give up my job entirely as I think it would make me vulnerable in the long term and possibly resentful in the short term.

Those are the cons. The pros are that it would be a major stepping stone in his career and that he would get a significant pay increase. We don't know exactly how much but he's already a high earner on 140k a year and that would be likely to increase to around 200k. If he took the job I suppose I could offset him not being around by getting some extra paid help and I may be able to work a bit less too. But then obviously there is likely to be an impact on our family life and there may be an impact on our marriage too?

If he takes the job but hates it he can always move to something else and he'll have that new job title behind him but then again there is unlikely to be anything that pays him anything equivalent local to us so we would need to be careful not to adjust our lifestyle to fit his salary.

What would you do?

OP posts:
VictoriaVenkman · 25/07/2023 08:03

I'd tell him to take the job. It's a great promotion, will mean more family income and one or two nights a week away in the short term is a fair price to pay.

TenoringBehind · 25/07/2023 08:04

Of course he should take it. What a fantastic opportunity. He will resent you if you don’t ‘let’ him (I find that a very odd and controlling choice of word)

3 days is nothing.

Doggymummar · 25/07/2023 08:04

Rainallnight · 25/07/2023 06:49

I don’t really think one spouse can ‘let’ or not the other take a job.

What does he want?

If he wanted to do it, I’d be supportive and use the money for some extra help - ideally a mother’s help on the long/overnight days.

Absolutely, it's his decision by waying up the pros and cons, not the wife's.

HairyKitty · 25/07/2023 08:05

I can’t see a problem with him commuting as usual and staying over one or two nights a week. This is a very common work pattern.
With some of the extra money you can buy help in so that neither your job, your children nor your sanity will suffer.

I don’t think I’ve quite understood why this change would affect your job? Presume you can pay for childcare and other services so that you are with the children just as much as you are now?

PomTiddlyPomPom · 25/07/2023 08:05

Take the job.
If you are both working and on decent money why do you need the side business, is it based on a hobby? That would be the first thing to go if I was in your position.
Once he has the job even if he only sticks it out for a few years it will look good on his CV and open more doors in the future.

sweepleall · 25/07/2023 08:06

Doggymummar · 25/07/2023 08:04

Absolutely, it's his decision by waying up the pros and cons, not the wife's.

Show quote history

I am really shocked by this sort of comment.

If a different job means being away more and therefore your spouse doing more, of course it's not just your decision. It has to be a joint discussion and if the other spouse isn't ok with it, they can't take it.

luckylavender · 25/07/2023 08:07

I can't believe people are seriously asking this question. Imagine if it was the other way round. There'd be outrage.

onefinemess · 25/07/2023 08:07

overitunderit · 25/07/2023 06:45

My DH has been told that he could get a major promotion at work but only if he spends 3 days a week in the office. The only problem is we don't live anywhere near the office so it would mean him spending at least one night away each week plus 3 very long days where he wouldn't see our two small children in the morning or at bed time. He currently does two days a week but he doesn't stay overnight and some weeks he tries to get away with not going at all. That option wouldn't be open to him with the new job.

It would also obviously mean I would have to pick up the slack at home on the three days he is away. I also work and have a hobby and we have a small business together too. We have two young children. My job would need to take a bit of a back seat (it already is). I'm ok with that in theory as I'm not as ambitious generally and I want to be more available for my children. I don't want them to have two parents who work very hard and are away a lot. I wouldn't want to give up my job entirely as I think it would make me vulnerable in the long term and possibly resentful in the short term.

Those are the cons. The pros are that it would be a major stepping stone in his career and that he would get a significant pay increase. We don't know exactly how much but he's already a high earner on 140k a year and that would be likely to increase to around 200k. If he took the job I suppose I could offset him not being around by getting some extra paid help and I may be able to work a bit less too. But then obviously there is likely to be an impact on our family life and there may be an impact on our marriage too?

If he takes the job but hates it he can always move to something else and he'll have that new job title behind him but then again there is unlikely to be anything that pays him anything equivalent local to us so we would need to be careful not to adjust our lifestyle to fit his salary.

What would you do?

I think you need to check your language OP.

Does your husband "let you" do things?

Does he need your permission to "let him" do things or to make decisions?

Very toxic and abusive language.

Leftlegwest · 25/07/2023 08:09

What does he want? Does he want the job? Does his job at the moment facilitate you working less so you can be around for the children otherwise and has he made sacrifices for that to be the situation?

if he wants it I would try and work out a way he can take it. I would probably keep my job (if that's what I wanted) and hire in a cleaner and possibly a nanny. I would also up the take away/eating our budget!

TBH three days doesn't sound like a huge difference to two.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 25/07/2023 08:10

I would say yes take the promotion if you agree on how much he will contribute to your pension, and you can outsource a lot of help. Like a cleaner once a week and a nanny. Your career matters too, and you want to spend time with your kids. So find a way to make it work for you.

watermeloncougar · 25/07/2023 08:10

@sweepleall obviously major decisions should be joint, but the OP seems quite happy to tell us they 'aren't ambitious' and are quite happy to let their work take a back seat. It seems pretty controlling to then be concerned about her dh upping from 2 days to 3 days at the office, for what would be a big promotion!

Choux · 25/07/2023 08:16

CEOs come and CEOs go. The next one might be a bit more enlightened about wfh.

I would take the promotion if he can get it - CEOs don't always come through on their promises - and hope the CEO doesn't last long so the three days in the office can drop back to 1-2.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 25/07/2023 08:17

It sounds like he's sacrificed a lot for you to be near to your parents.......of course he should take it. It's not as if he's away for weeks at a time like some parents are.

InspectorGidget · 25/07/2023 08:19

How far away is it? I used to work in a city centre and stay over but Dh and dd would visit me after work and we'd grab dinner and a movie.
They'd travel off peak / low traffic so nowhere near as long as the morning commute etc.
Or I'd work extra to get ahead but I was on nowhere near the salary so long hours may already be an expectation.
I agree with pp. Outsource where you can - a home help on those days may allow you some space to flourish too!

msbevvy · 25/07/2023 08:20

He is already on a higher salary than most could ever dream of.

There is more to life than money. As a child of a Dad who was rarely around because he prioritised earning even more money I would advise you both **to think long and hard before doing this to your kids.

Hoppinggreen · 25/07/2023 08:22

In your shoes I think I would tell him to go for it, ditch my job entirely (if the sums worked) and then take over sole running of the Business if that was feasible

LittleBearPad · 25/07/2023 08:23

Of course he takes it. It would likely be better if he stayed down two nights and then came home.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/07/2023 08:24

No I’d move as a family! I would never accept my husband living away from home.

stealthbanana · 25/07/2023 08:24

I don’t know what industry he’s in but the tide is very much turning against wfh for senior people (which I assume he is on that salary) - I wouldn’t assume he can continue to only be in the office 1-2 days pw going forward. I also wouldn’t assume if he doesn’t take the promotion he can continue in the current work pattern - if seniors are in 3 days pw the logical next step is that their teams come in on the same pattern.

I think you might have to do some readjustment of what it means to be living in the North on a London salary. As we normalise post Covid it seems to be to be inevitable that your dh will be in the office more. You really have one of two options - move closer or accept he’ll be commuting more. I wouldn’t not take the promotion, if he doesn’t take it I’d be looking at a job closer to home for him as I honestly don’t think these remote arrangements are going to last for the long term.

Badleg85 · 25/07/2023 08:24

For that much extra money I'd encourage DH to do it, even if it was just for a year or so. Is it possible that once he's been in the role a while he could renegotiate things?

Badleg85 · 25/07/2023 08:24

For that much extra money I'd encourage DH to do it, even if it was just for a year or so. Is it possible that once he's been in the role a while he could renegotiate things?

Batalax · 25/07/2023 08:24

I’d take it and buy in more help.

Original poster
overitunderit · 25/07/2023 08:24

Ahhh mumsnet you do make me laugh. Why is it so full of people so desperate for a spat so early in the morning?! Luckily I know I'm neither toxic or controlling so I can let those (unhelpful) comments go.

The difference between 2 days and 3 days is that we live 3 hours train away from London where my DH works. We made the decision to do that at a time when both of us were expected into the office much less than my DH is now. As I said the management changed at his job and he has been trying to keep up with that pace of change by agreeing to 2 days a week in the office and now considering 3.

I suppose from an objective point of view 3 days is not a long way from 2 but we are still at the stage where our children don't yet reliably sleep through so I find the days when he stays in London exhausting. It means a 5am wake up (although touch wood that seems to be getting better), then all the usual fun of mornings at home with toddlers followed by nursery run then home to work and do any jobs in the house then repeat the other end of the day followed by a night of often very broken sleep and do it all again the following day. Adding another one of those days feels a lot to me although perhaps not to some others who already do something similar.

I think the most persuasive argument for him taking it is that it gives him a better chance of getting something similarly senior local to us if he decided the commute was too much. I also think he would like a more senior role for the internal gravitas it would give him.

Someone further down actually made a good point which I hadn't really thought of which was to consider using the additional money to help support my career a bit more as well as his perhaps in a role that requires more of me than my job does now. For context I have been the higher earner in our lives but I'm now the much less well paid (but I am still well paid). When we moved I switched to working from home and took the sideways step in my career that it means. The end result of that is that my job is not particularly fulfilling for me right now but it does allow me to be flexible for my family and wfh. I'm a firm believer in not being able to "have it all" all of the time. At this time in my life I have chosen to still work but not in pursuit of endless promotions. In the future I imagine that will change when the demands of family life change.

Thanks for all your input (other than the pointlessly bitchy comments assuming the type of person I am). They have been helpful.

OP posts:
Bluevelvetsofa · 25/07/2023 08:25

Am I right in thinking that you moved out of London when many people did, during the pandemic, when most folk were working from home? The fact that you have an unwell parent must have had an impact on the decision too.

Now that things have changed somewhat and there is an expectation of being more office based, it’s changing lots of things.

I think he should take the promotion and be financially better off. It looks better on the CV and you can use the increase in salary to fund support for you at home.

WannaBeRecluse · 25/07/2023 08:28

You must have realised that employment arrangements during Covid weren't going to last forever, when you made the decision to move to where you are now?

My DH sometimes works further away for longer periods of time, just less regularly. Is it possible you could learn to enjoy the quiet evenings? I get so much reading done in bed when my DH is away. I've learned to enjoy the opportunity.