Would you let your husband accept this promotion?

[overitunderit]

My DH has been told that he could get a major promotion at work but only if he spends 3 days a week in the office. The only problem is we don't live anywhere near the office so it would mean him spending at least one night away each week plus 3 very long days where he wouldn't see our two small children in the morning or at bed time. He currently does two days a week but he doesn't stay overnight and some weeks he tries to get away with not going at all. That option wouldn't be open to him with the new job.

It would also obviously mean I would have to pick up the slack at home on the three days he is away. I also work and have a hobby and we have a small business together too. We have two young children. My job would need to take a bit of a back seat (it already is). I'm ok with that in theory as I'm not as ambitious generally and I want to be more available for my children. I don't want them to have two parents who work very hard and are away a lot. I wouldn't want to give up my job entirely as I think it would make me vulnerable in the long term and possibly resentful in the short term.

Those are the cons. The pros are that it would be a major stepping stone in his career and that he would get a significant pay increase. We don't know exactly how much but he's already a high earner on 140k a year and that would be likely to increase to around 200k. If he took the job I suppose I could offset him not being around by getting some extra paid help and I may be able to work a bit less too. But then obviously there is likely to be an impact on our family life and there may be an impact on our marriage too?

If he takes the job but hates it he can always move to something else and he'll have that new job title behind him but then again there is unlikely to be anything that pays him anything equivalent local to us so we would need to be careful not to adjust our lifestyle to fit his salary.

What would you do?

Agreed, the OPs wording makes me feel uncomfortable.

We can't move closer. We used to live in London and moved back up north to be closer to family.

Why can't you move closer?

I would look v closely at that option - I would rather have my DH 7 days a week than be close to family.

It's clear because we are a team so we don't make major life decisions without discussing it first and deciding what's best for our family. Family comes first, jobs come second. We talk about pros and cons but he wouldn't take a big step like this unless we were both on board.

I think he would like to take it if it was just about the job and it was closer although I think he worries what that means long term because it effectively means committing to this big commute for a long time and then you get trapped into the big salary too.

Veto is not a strong term - it's a way of saying that if a spouse or partner had really strong objections to something the other person wouldn't do it. My marriage is like that too thankfully.

To the original point - I don't see the big difference with 2 days in and 3? And at that salary you can surely afford some kind of help to make life run more smoothly. 3 days commuting or a night away - whatever works best. One night a week away is no big deal.

It sounds like you want everything with no compromise?

You can't move closer to London (presume you mean you don't want to); you don't want to give up work; you don't want to go in for big promotions yourself; you want to spend time with the kids; you don't want to lose out financially if you break up; you don't think H should have to be physically present for his six figure job.

It all sounds a tad unrealistic.

Same reaction here.
Honestly we'd consider moving country for that level of income, but I guess it all depends on what you have, and what you're used to.

I'd definitely encourage my husband to take it, and do what I could at home to support him, so long as we used the extra to pay for some help for me. Having said that, we once upon a time had 3 under 2 in full time nursery, both worked full time and both traveled on occasion and whoever was at home just coped. Because you have to. We'd have no doubt found it easier to cope earning £150k to £200k than £40k!

It is a joint decision but I can't imagine ever being in a position to turn down a promotion like that, and would it put OP's husband out of the running for future promotions? Sometimes you take the upheaval for the longer term benefits.

Honestly I encourage my husband to be open when looking at jobs and consider staying away Monday to Friday. If the salary is there, we will manage at home without him a few days. Quality family time is the weekend really, anyway. The rest of it is more about survival to get to the good times.

Okay so you're resentful that his progress means changing your family lifestyle, having already moved whenever that was. Outsource the crap and enjoy life. Move again if necessary.

We can't because we have set up our lives here and have already made the big move out of London. We also have a family reason to be here (degenerative illness for my parent) which was the deciding factor for us being here. We also want our children to grow up with grandparents nearby. If we moved closer we would be closer to his work but I would have no family or friends to support me which I think would actually be worse.

What would the cost of the commute + accommodation + outside help be? Would it be worth the increase after all the additional costs?

Is it a role he could take for 6 months then look for something closer to home at the same level?

I would encourage my DP to go for it if it was what he wanted, regardless, but he wouldn't want anything that didn't financially justify the loss of family time and increased pressure on me.

Yes take it! So only 1 night away, meaning he's around for the other 6? People cope with much worse.

3 days out of 7, is actually not bad. When you look at a lot of people's work patterns, night shift, weekend work etc, then 1 or 2 nights away from home is really not that big an issue.

I knew someone who commuted to France 4 days a week, they made it work just fine.

You can afford to buy in help with that sort of salary. You can also afford to make your business a bigger success by investing in it if that's your choice.

I'm sorry about your parent's illness.

For me personally, my DH is much more of a support than either set of grandparents so I would choose to rearrange our lives to live together over living near grandparents but you may feel otherwise of course

We can't because we have set up our lives here and have already made the big move out of London. We also have a family reason to be here (degenerative illness for my parent) which was the deciding factor for us being here.

That's hard but again I wouldn't let a DP's illness dictate where I lived. Again, a lot of the help they need can be outsourced. It's probably better if it is so that you can spend time with your DH and DC and the time you spend with DP will be more quality time and less of a caring role.

Have a read of the Elderly Parents Section to get a feel for just how overwhelming caring for a DO can be without help.

When you moved away from London, surely you knew it was a risk that his work would want him in more at some point?

I'd seriously consider moving. Abs you'll make friends where ever you are, it may just take time

Give over everyone, using words like let and veto doesnt mean that op rules the home with an iron bar, its obviously a family decision they are trying to make together. I think he should take the job, but you need to also concentrate on getting your career back on track. Out source help such as cleaning and help with childcare. This is a big step up for the whole family, but it shouldn't be at the expense of your own career. I've known too many educated women in minimum wages jobs to fit around the children and husband's job. What about if you took the opportunity to push through more with your own business?

Will you personally benefit from the increased income or are you just personally making sacrifices to enable him to earn more?

Is the promotion even a guarantee or is CEO trying to manipulate him back into the office 3 days by dangling it as a carrot?

Dh did this for years and it was fine, we all got used to it and it worked. On that salary you can afford childcare, cleaner etc so that will give you time back. Unfortunately you should have thought that more time in the office would be inevitable post covid or downsized your life with lower salaries closer to where you now live.

Personally I wouldn’t do that commute at all, but he already does it so one more day isn’t that bad. For more than £2,500 extra in your pocket per month it’s a no brainier surely!

You can't have it all , what is his aim career wise in the long term ( not just earnings wise), what family set up do you want long term. What does he want to do? It might be attractive to him to opt out if family life overnight each week, are you comfortable with that, what does that say about him as a person and a father. You have enough to live on already so really it is about ambition, lifestyle and priorities in life.

Depends on priorities, I grew up in a house with a very absent parent due to a very well paid job that meant they were away Mon-Fri each week. My other parent didn't work at all. I had a great relationship with one and to be honest didn't really know the other one. I often dreaded them coming home for the weekends as they were usually tired and grumpy from the long working week and traveling.
Because of this my partner and I spoke about work/family life balance very early on in our relationship and we've always prioritised a good balanced home life over promotions. We both earn a good amount but have resisted pushing for some promotions available to us because we value this balance more than having more money. Just depends on what is important to you.

Eventually my absent parent got really depressed and fed up with their lifestyle, they quit and moved back home (I'd moved out by then.) They took a job that was less than a third of their salary and they tried to rebuilt the relationship with the family, to some extent it worked but it still always feels a bit awkward when I visit.

OP clearly says family is the most important thing...they want to be near parents not move away

Three days isn't so bad (assuming two nights). You'll both have to discuss the impact on each other, your jobs, and whether it's worth it for you personally.

What will happen if he doesnt take the promotion? Is there a risk that his career will start to go backwards under this CEO? Is there also a risk that he will be ordered back into the office anyway and at least this way he gets a promotion?

How long is this CEO likely to stay? In some industries they move on every couple of years, in other industries they tend to stick around for a decade or more.

For you both to be happy, you need for things to be equal. From the your post, and updated posts, things seem to be off balance here. Sounds like the new post will be a big step up the ladder for your DH, should he not accept the position it may affect his advancement options in the future, within the company. May he feel resentful towards the person who blocked him, perhaps. Are you feeling insecure by him being away? Or is it being left with the childcare whilst he is away. Sound like you have family support, so that is a good thing. If it was my DH I will encourage him to take the job, and I have been in this position many times with young children, it’s not easy I know.

How much of a drip is he that he’d let you tell him he can take the promotion or not??

It's not a case of you letting him take the promotion, is should be a discussion as a family, take into consideration your career, family finances, the housework, parenting and time apart. It needs to be a joint decision, and not someone having to make the final decision.