Would you let your husband accept this promotion?

[overitunderit]

My DH has been told that he could get a major promotion at work but only if he spends 3 days a week in the office. The only problem is we don't live anywhere near the office so it would mean him spending at least one night away each week plus 3 very long days where he wouldn't see our two small children in the morning or at bed time. He currently does two days a week but he doesn't stay overnight and some weeks he tries to get away with not going at all. That option wouldn't be open to him with the new job.

It would also obviously mean I would have to pick up the slack at home on the three days he is away. I also work and have a hobby and we have a small business together too. We have two young children. My job would need to take a bit of a back seat (it already is). I'm ok with that in theory as I'm not as ambitious generally and I want to be more available for my children. I don't want them to have two parents who work very hard and are away a lot. I wouldn't want to give up my job entirely as I think it would make me vulnerable in the long term and possibly resentful in the short term.

Those are the cons. The pros are that it would be a major stepping stone in his career and that he would get a significant pay increase. We don't know exactly how much but he's already a high earner on 140k a year and that would be likely to increase to around 200k. If he took the job I suppose I could offset him not being around by getting some extra paid help and I may be able to work a bit less too. But then obviously there is likely to be an impact on our family life and there may be an impact on our marriage too?

If he takes the job but hates it he can always move to something else and he'll have that new job title behind him but then again there is unlikely to be anything that pays him anything equivalent local to us so we would need to be careful not to adjust our lifestyle to fit his salary.

What would you do?

"Would I let my partner"

Good grief - if my marriage worked like that I'd be well rid! There's conversation, and of course opinions are welcome but would you let him do something?! Christ

Totally think he should take the job! You’ll make it work. A £60k increase is huge and getting that on his CV will be great even if he doesn’t like it. They must be able to negotiate something?
if he does like it, arrange moving slightly closer to work? Either way he should take it

I would encourage him to accept the proportion. That level of pay can provide so much financial stability for your family and your children. However you need to plan to make sure that everyone’s needs are still met. As you say more burden will be on you so outsources some work(get a cleaner/gardeners whatever), your personal earner power may be affected so make sure the family money is covering pension payments and savings for you personally, and there will be less time for him to be with the children so plan how he will ensure there is quality time together on other days (eg weekly routine of him doing something with the kids alone sat morning etc).

Bloody hell 😳 I'd write this thread off OP!

So much obsession on this thread with the words 'not let' when anyone with two thoughts to rub together could have understood this meant 'not want'.

There is no suggestion that the OP is going to lock her DH in the cellar if he disobeys!

Like any reasonable couple they have to talk this through. While there may be upsides there are also downsides. As this impacts her, OP is perfectly entitled to have an opinion and express it.

OP, I would go for it. Could he do the three middle days away? You'd then have him around for five nights/four full days and he could concentrate on working later on the two overnights so it would free him up a bit on the two days WFH. I take it he does just as much as you when he's not working?

My DH worked away five days a week frequently when mine were small. I found I got into a strict routine and stuck to it so life worked well. If you can get help, get it! A cleaner at least, and maybe a student to babysit for you to do your hobby a night or two a week.

It is very feasible in theory to do my DH is away for 2 to 3 months at a time and I have a disabled DS. But it does mean that your future career will take a knock and you need to be ok with this. We agreed that I would get £x amount of money from his income to do with what I want (pension, hobbies, extra help in the house) no questions asked with what I do (I see it as my wage for everything I sacrifice to let him work away so much) But you do need a lot of trust in each other and a very strong relationship for it work in the long run. If you can see yourself happy with it give it a go. As you say if it doesn’t work out you can change it. We have been going 15 years and still strong so I would say yes go for it

We had a similar situation, albeit with smaller figures involved. Moved out of London to somewhere nearly 3 hours away, had a three under 5 one of whom was a newborn when my husband's employer demanded they all go I. 3 days a week. He used to stay overnight 1-2 nights away and it was an awful way for us to live. Ultimately, we moved back to London 2 years after moving away.

If the shoe was on the other foot with a title 'Should I let HER take a promotion' oh, the hell it would cause!!
Just make sure if it goes tits up, you and your children will be provided for. Do you research

At £140k, I wouldn't be working at all!

Does he need your express permission in writing then ?

Keep up.... that ship has sailed

I had a great career promotion opportunity when I was in my mid forties. Kids were older, 16 plus but the job meant a week away every month and odd nights too. My husband was fantastic, he said if it was what I wanted then of course I must go for it and he would support me all the way. I took the job and stayed put for a few short years till a career jump came minus that much time away. I was forever grateful to my husband for that unwavering support, my friends all felt their husbands wouldn’t have been that great.

I think it’s really important for you both to feel happy about this career opportunity and financially it offers you a great future. As you said, he can always leave if it doesn’t work out.

That is a very unpleasant comment. The vast majority of people in the U.K. are on much smaller incomes, most struggling to meet bills and feed their children.

Definitely don't do it, OP, if the result of a massive salary increase is that you get a bit of pocket money. All the money should be shared and any extra domestic help to cover his lack of input should definitely be a shared expense!

The direction of travel in London at least is 3 days in the week so I don’t think it’s the CEO being “a knob” and I reckon it’ll end up 4 days within a year.

He can look for another job but there’s no guarantee that he will get the same money if he can’t commit to the required days in the office.

It’s a risk to put all your eggs in 1 basket. What happens if he loses his job/they divorce etc.?

God people want it all. If you are employed by a company its only natural that you actually need to be in the office. We had this recently at my office, sadly the manager is no longer there. Replaced by someone qctually willing to put their bum on a seat in the office!

This very much depends on the sector and the role within the sector.

You might have miss understood what I was meaning it’s not pocket money I get we have a joint account that we set a limit on what is spent in the house , mortgage etc but I make the decisions on what I need from the money without it being questioned. And that I have both a personal pension and my state pension contributions are made so that I don’t come out the other end after 30 years with nothing.

it a personal choice for someone. I’m only saying the set up she’s talking about has worked for us for over 15 years.

What do you mean, "let him"? If a male asked the same question about his wife, there would be uproar.

If he’s going to be staying away during the week it would be cheaper to rent a studio flat than staying in a hotel.

I'm a firm believer in not being able to "have it all" all of the time
That's fine, but that's your belief and your choice.

My OH travelled to London every day for 4h (when all was well but often more) a day, not even earning a fortune, and I worked FT in management with 2 under 4yo. No help from family or nannies. I still managed to get promoted. Weekends were solely dedicated to the children.

Of course it was tough, very tough, but it was the best decision I made and it very much proved so longer term.

You do seem to want to have it all. A job that pays well without much stress and plenty of flexibility, to live close to your family and have your OH potentially sacrificing an amazing opportunity just because you think you might struggle being on your own for 3 days out of 7.

I do think it would be very selfish to tell him he can't do it when ultimately, it sounds that the move up North is principally to please you.

Let him decide on his own with your approval whatever his choice. Dedicate your time as much to your career as your children. You can do it if you want. Many many mums do it, many who are single with no help.

He should definitely go for it!! You'll be OK, lots of single Mums do it full time! Its only for a few days

Hi
Sorry to barge in on your conversation however Iam in a terrible situation. I live in scotland and have 4 kids 2 at secondary 1 at primary. They're happy but I'm not as I can't find a job that I can commute to. I've only been getting short contracts here and there but nothing permanent. I was looking at moving to somewhere I can work, can you give me advice what to do? I'm fed up going on and off universal credit, plus I'm a single mum