Upset my daughter was left to walk hone on her own.

[Sixmonthcruise]

Dd is 15.
Yesterday 3 of her friends came over. They stayed in her bedroom for a while listening to music etc then decided to go out for a wander around 7.30pm.
We live in a village and they tend to wander around, get some chips and pop to the park etc.
It was a lousy evening, raining and darker than usual because of the crap weather but teens being teens they still wanted to go out.
At 9pm I text her to ask where they were and that I’d like her in now as it was getting dark. I didn’t hear anything from her so waited 10/15 mins. Still nothing so started to worry a little and had a quick drive around but couldn’t see anyone.
Around 10pm she came home, soaking wet and annoyed.
It transpired that her phone was only partially charged when they went out and then went dead, two of her friends where picked up by a parent at 9.30pm and she was left with the other friend. At 9.45 the other parent came, picked up their child and just drive off leaving dd to walk home, in the dark and rain, on her own.
It is only a 10-15 min walk across the village but I can not understand a parent doing this. I appreciate they are under no obligation to offer my dd a lift but it would have been nice if they had asked her if she was ok and maybe called me so I could have come and picked her up.
I would never leave any of her friends on their own, especially at night in the pouring rain. I always offer to take her friends back home or drop them off somewhere just could not leave them standing there.
Obviously, I have explained to dd to always keep her phone charged up and I will download a phone tracing app in future but I’m still pissed off.

You come across fairly unpleasantly, just wanted to let you know that in case you hadn't realised.

Just to reiterate (yet again!), this post was not about my parenting skills and whatever conversations I’ve had with dd about taking responsibility for herself etc (I have been a good parent for 18 years, I certainly don’t need parenting ‘advice’, thank you).

This situation had not happened before. I was expecting dd to return to our house with her friends and for them to be collected by parents from our house as per usual, so was surprised when she walked in alone.

I have not stated that I expected the parent to have taken any form of responsibility for my dd’s welfare that evening (see from op - ”I appreciate they are under no obligation to offer my dd a lift”) and yes, dd should have kept her phone charged up and will have our numbers to hand for the future.

All I have said is that I was surprised the parent didn’t offer a lift because most people I know would have done so and I was surprised that they did not even engage in a conversation with dd ie ‘are you fine walking back yourself? etc’. Again this has nothing to do with taking any form of responsibility for my dd, it’s just decent human courtesy when you see someone standing in the pouring rain on a crappy night.

And yes, this has taught me a lesson - on many levels!

I feel the same RampantIvy but obviously there are many (on here, at least) who apparently feel differently and come across as very self-centred.

I’m often surprised on MN by the sheer number of women who apparently don’t have a single person that would:

• give them a lift to hospital
• pick their DC up in an emergency
• lend them a tener
• drop a pint of milk over
• water their plants whilst on holidays
• look after their child whilst in labour
• send them a birthday card

etc etc

Whilst it won’t be total, I sometimes wonder what the correlation between those women and the ones that would leave their child’s friend without a lift are.

I think the point is the lift may have been offered and turned down by the child getting the lift. I doubt someone willingly decided not to offer her a lift.

I just think there is a wide range of grey with teenagers and ensuring safety while wanting to give them independence and self determination.

I certainly wouldn't get out of the car to have a specific conversation with someone else's teenager who was not in danger to check she was ok unless I was given reason to believe she wasn't.

The "parenting advice" I gave earlier is to illustrate that as parents we can't control what other people do and therefore we have to teach our dc to be in control of what they do so they feel safe.

Tbh if my 15 yo came home and complained about being left behind I would have sympathised but reflected on what she could have done, not put the blame on other parents. It just doesn't send the right parenting message imo.

If she were younger yes and if she were offered a lift that then didn't transpire again yes.

But as that's not your issue I'd call each parent individually and discuss with them so they are clearly aware of your expectations going forward.

And yes I have friends to bail my dc and I out in all situations. In fact I went to pick up a friends daughter earlier today because she was stuck in hospital with another child and a fracture.

And if I saw a person stood in the rain would I ask my dd if she needs a lift? Of course. But if dd said there was another arrangement or she was phoning her own mum I wouldn't get involved. More of an issue could arise from taking her if her mum was already en route then couldn't find her.

Different if they were waiting somewhere not safe to be alone.

Interestingly, I was beginning to think that. Also, I often wonder how all these people, who get treated by rude doctors, get poor service in shops etc, speak to them.

I treat everyone with respect and am polite and friendly and just don't get spoken to the way so many posters do or receive the abysmal service they do.

My SIL always talks to shop assistants in a confrontational manner and always complains how rude they are to her. DH told her off for being rude to the pharmacy assistant recently.

I think the point is the lift may have been offered and turned down by the child getting the lift. I doubt someone willingly decided not to offer her a lift
mrsplum2015 straight away you came to the conclusion my child wasn’t telling the truth and the adult did indeed offer some assistance? Why do you naturally come to that conclusion? I totally trust my dd when she said the parent did not converse with her in any way even though they were fully aware she was standing there in the pouring rain and that has been backed up by the friend admitting she never asked and neither did the parent.
I certainly wouldn't get out of the car to have a specific conversation with someone else's teenager who was not in danger to check she was ok unless I was given reason to believe she wasn’t - and that’s where you and I obviously differ and unless you ask, how do you come to the decision she wasn’t in danger if you don’t even speak to the child?

PegasusReturns yes, says a lot doesn’t it?

No I didn't assume they spoke to your dd.
I would have asked my dd getting in the car is your mate ok? And my dd would give me an answer which I would accept.
I wouldn't overstep as many of my dd's friends would feel I was doing if I got out to question them further. And unless they were in a situation where it wasn't safe ( not a village at twilight ) i would assume they could make their own decision whether they needed a lift and would have communicated that with my dd.

RampantIvy I used to be friends with dh’s cousin but couldn’t continue the friendship for she was so rude to people and it would make me cringe when we were in restaurants etc.

That's why I said let the other parents know that your dd is neuro diverse and not able to express her needs therefore you would appreciate if they could be aware.

To me getting out of the car and speaking to the child / waiting with them etc would stop by high school age so around 12/13.

But like I say we live in a city so I totally accept kids probably grow up a lot more independent.

Again mrsplum2015 we obviously differ. And for clarity, it wasn’t just ‘in a village in twilight’. It was extra dark because of the weather and teaming down with rain.

Ok but nothing in your post indicated she was in danger just that you didn't like their manners.
As I say my advice is to contact the parents to discuss your concerns if you feel that aggrieved and concerned. I'm sure it wasn't meant to be rude, neglectful or anything else. People have a very different view of parenting teens between about 13 and 19 imo as at some point they have to be considered almost adults and that comes sooner than later for some.

The best advice we were ever given was at one of dds settling in sessions at high school. "Don't assume all parents have the same values and boundaries just because you've chosen the same school."

mrsplum2015 Goes to show how rural/village life is very different from city life!
And there is no reason for my dd to have to disclose her neuro-diversity to everyone she comes across.

mrsplum2015 You know full well my post is not about parenting skills/manners etc. You continue to omit or acknowledge that fact it was pissing down with rain!! That has been the whole point of this post - leaving a young person to walk home in the driving rain, no one I know would do that.

Teen girl walking home alone with dead phone.

Yeah, nothing concerning there

Nor did my dd living in a city but generally she and I told people she had adhd as in a city everyone has their own issues and no one would think anything of it!!!!!

But if you are upset with the parents why not voice your concern and expectation to make sure your dd is safe. If you're so happy that's reasonable behaviour in a village and they are unreasonable just cal ll them and tell them, you don't need the opinion of people on the internet who live in cities and don't understand ... you also presumably don't need to disclose your dd's neurodiversity to express that you think they didn't comply with social norms.

@WildUnchartedWaters I'm expressing an opinion why is that nonsensical
I'm also politely giving advice to the op. If it's so unusual in a village to do this why wouldn't she contact the other parents to discuss?

Why should she?why is all your post trying to blame dd and her mum and pretending dd was never in danger?

I'm in my 30s and my phone died and I had to walk home last night, I'm nor idiotic enough to pretend I wasn't in danger.

If the op thinks that her dd was left in danger by another parent why wouldn't she contact them to discuss ?

It is very clear that she doesn't @mrsplum2015.

I don't understand why you don't get just how awful the weather has been in some parts of the UK this weekend or how completely lacking in understanding you are.

The OP was just expressing her surprise that her daughter wasn't offered a lift because that is what she would have done, and what many other posters would have done under the circumstances. I wouldn't have left a friend to walk home in the torrential rain we have had this weekend, let alone a teenager with a dead phone because it is just a kind thing to do.

Maybe we are kinder, more thoughtful and considerate than you are.

Well I'm surprised she wasn't offered a lift. I would always offer my DC's friends lifts.
However, putting that rudeness aside - she's 15 and walked 10 minutes in a village. I really don't understand the big deal. Are kids wrapped in cotton wool these days? At 15 I'd be roaming about all over the place, yes often at night.