Upset my daughter was left to walk hone on her own.

[Sixmonthcruise]

Dd is 15.
Yesterday 3 of her friends came over. They stayed in her bedroom for a while listening to music etc then decided to go out for a wander around 7.30pm.
We live in a village and they tend to wander around, get some chips and pop to the park etc.
It was a lousy evening, raining and darker than usual because of the crap weather but teens being teens they still wanted to go out.
At 9pm I text her to ask where they were and that I’d like her in now as it was getting dark. I didn’t hear anything from her so waited 10/15 mins. Still nothing so started to worry a little and had a quick drive around but couldn’t see anyone.
Around 10pm she came home, soaking wet and annoyed.
It transpired that her phone was only partially charged when they went out and then went dead, two of her friends where picked up by a parent at 9.30pm and she was left with the other friend. At 9.45 the other parent came, picked up their child and just drive off leaving dd to walk home, in the dark and rain, on her own.
It is only a 10-15 min walk across the village but I can not understand a parent doing this. I appreciate they are under no obligation to offer my dd a lift but it would have been nice if they had asked her if she was ok and maybe called me so I could have come and picked her up.
I would never leave any of her friends on their own, especially at night in the pouring rain. I always offer to take her friends back home or drop them off somewhere just could not leave them standing there.
Obviously, I have explained to dd to always keep her phone charged up and I will download a phone tracing app in future but I’m still pissed off.

I think your daughter was offered a ride, declined and then played the victim. That's a very 15 year old thing to do!

Yeah; that response was cold!

Out of interest was the parent who didn't offer a lift dad or mum?

If male, a generous interpretation may be that he was uncomfortable taking a teenaged girl in his car without prior arrangement. A less generous interpretation might be he was a selfish thoughtless aresehole.

That late in the evening? Wow. I would never leave my 15 yo dd’s friends to walk home alone. I would drop them home even during the day if I picked dd up or brought them home for their parents to collect if living some distance away.

Yes, it would have been nice if they had dropped her home BUT I don't see any issue with a 10-15 min walk home alone & wouldn't want to scare her into thinking it's not ok.

It's very handy to be able to do things alone and independently. She might want to go solo travelling around the world in a couple of years so a 15 min walk alone in her own village is a start!

Luckily I was always very sensible
I think this is a very "young" way of looking at things. Being sensible isn't enough. A woman alone, particularly at night, will always be a vulnerable target, regardless of how smart and sensible she is. Being smart isn't always enough to stop a strong and bigger man from overpowering one. A smart woman is powerless against strong arms.
I think teens always think they know it all so they can anticipate bad things therefore keeping themselves safe but women must be taught being a woman is enough to be vulnerable.
I'm not saying being a woman makes us weak, don't get me wrong but as a rule we are more vulnerable. Specially when young, wearing heels, tiny dresses and alone at night walking deserted streets.

The fact that your daughter went out without a full charge on her phone is on you and her and why didn't you ask where she was going? Stop blaming others for not solving your problems.

I would never picked up my dc and have left one of their friends to walk home alone. That just isn't on.

At 15 I would not have automatically offered a lift nor would I have picked up my dd 15 mins walk away - my policy was if you are old enough to go out you are old enough to get yourself home, consequently they came home earlier, avoided rain etc. mine are only young adults now. Most their friends had similar upbringings (we would coordinate lifts for special occasions in advance, I'm not that mean). My kids chose to hang out at mine mostly, big house, free food

Was she perhaps asked not directly?

We had a situation at a club I'm involved in where we had a 15yo there and someone said to her "do you know how you're getting home?" and she said "yes."
Then we got a message from parents indignant that she had walked home-again about 10 minutes away. We had assumed "yes" meant parents were picking up. She meant "yes, I'm going to walk".

We now know to say to her "Are your parents coming to pick you up?" and if there isn't the exact answer "yes", tell her who is driving her home.
Unless she is directly asked and then told that this person is taking her home, she tends to walk, we've even had a couple of times where we've turned round and she's gone without saying anything. It's a bit awkward because her parents want her to have a life, but she prefers to walk-yes even in the dark and rain in winter.

Your dd is learning that not everyone is reliable or happy to make an effort for others (see @pictoosh answer). She is 15yo and many adults will consider they can just deal with it themselves and tough if they get wet.

That means she needs

• to know your tel number so she can call you from someone else phone. Essential if she gets stuck for whatever reason. Not just having to walk 10 mins in the rain.
• to have an idea of how to get back home - her friends had a plan and have been waiting fir parents to arrive. What was your dd plan in the first place? I think it’s even more essential if she has ADHD because she won’t be able to think ‘on the spot’.
• as @Oceanus said, she needs to learn to know who is reliable or not in her friends. At 15yo, ds would never have left a friend, let alone a girl in the rain at 10.00pm. If the friends are not that reliable/supportive, she needs a back up plan
• she also needs to learn to look after herself. I don’t know why she waited with the last friend, but in case it was ‘so she isn’t left alone’, this is great. But it shouldn’t be at her own detriment!

If she is ADHD she may not be great at thinking things through which presumably is why she went out without checking her phone was charged sufficiently. I am surprised her friends parents didn't give her a lift or stay with her until you picked her up but young girls walking alone at night is not a great idea. Hopefully she will be better prepared next time.

SprinkleRainbow I will def get her to take my number in future.
Oceanus we do have lots of conversations about potential dangers/risks etc just wasn’t expecting much last night as they were at home most of the evening. But we do regularly have those conversations.

I don't think it's helpful to be making young women feel that it's not safe to be out after dark. The fact is that many young people have to walk home from stations after school/college in the dark every winter, my girls did it alone from age 12. Again, it's a village, they know to avoid alleyways and cross over or go to a house if they feel threatened. They keep their phones charged. They are confident and sensible. This sounds like a useful learning opportunity for your DD. No harm done. The rain is neither here nor there - they don't melt. I honestly feel it's important to bring up our daughters to be street-wise not scared.

Sometimes mine are asked out at short notice and their phones aren't fully charged, but we all have portable battery chargers so they don't run out.

Someone we know who lives literally 5 minutes drive away didn't give my son a lift to a theme park where he was meeting their son. DS had to take 2 buses and a train - I thought that was bloody petty and I think much the less of them for it.

Do you have the other parents phone numbers? If I did I would be texting them and saying just trying to establish what happened with DD last night. She arrived home much later than her curfew in the dark soaking wet. I was very worried and cant make sense of what happened. Did you see her last night? Get them to explain.

Agree, did the other parents say 'are you ok for getting home?' Meaning is someone on their way, and she's taken it literally as 'do you know your way home?' Although also agree somethings off as most parents would insist that she wait in their car for said other parent.

I would have offered her a lift. But at the same time, what did she expect to happen? She’d walked 10/15 mins away from home and then sat and waited for her friends to get picked up…did it not occur to her to start walking home sooner as it was getting dark?

While it's not great that she was left with no charge on her phone, I think expecting a 15 year old to walk 10-15 mins home, in a presumably quiet village, is no big deal at all, and if they want to go out at that time of night, they should be able to get themselves home- I would be in bed at that time, not expecting to give DD a lift.

If I was picking up my DD, I would offer to give the other a lift home, but to be honest, I wouldn't have been arranging to pick her up.

I think the phone is the bit to hold on to here- at 15, I generally asked for a 'settong off home now' text, so I had a vague awareness of time to expect her/ get worried.

@Seaweasel I agrée with you there.

@Sixmonthcruise why was your dd annoyed? Was she expecting one of the 3 parents to offer her a lift as a matter if course?

Im wondering if one issue here is the transition from ‘a parent will be there to sort it all out’ position (which children and pre teens should expect) to ‘you are responsible enough to look after yourself’ (which you would expect from teens and adults)

My 12 year old knows my number by heart and has done for at least a year now

YANBU. I would absolutely have dropped all friends home in the dark and rain, even if further away.

I don’t think a 15 year old walking home in her own village at 10pm is anything to comment about? We should be raising heroines not scaredy cats. Ithink it’s a good idea for her to tell her mum what’s happening-I know the worry when you can’t contact them-but to treat a half mile walk as some dangerous expedition that you have to protect them from the rain is silly. She’ll probably be off to study in 3 years-let her develop the unthinking ability of awareness and risk before that happens.

Cranberriesandtea we have spoken this morning and she is adamant that was not the case. I’ve seen a txt this morning between her other friend who was collected earlier and the last friend. She asked if she thought to offer dd a list and the other friend said no!
Haffdonga it was the girls dad, so yes, maybe he felt uncomfortable?
Oceanus I don’t mean sensible in that sense, I meant that I would stay within the club, I would find other friends to hook up with or sometimes ring my parents to come get me, just tried to make sure I was not alone. I appreciate that you can be as ‘sensible’ as possible and awful things happen, I don’t place any blame on anyone for not being ‘sensible’ enough!
Anyport they went out in our village, why would it occur to me to make sure her phone was fully charged, I try my best as a parent but like everyone I’m not 100% perfect. I am NOT placing blame on the other parent (read my op). Unlike you who seems to think it’s ok to blame me, how was I suppose to know all her friends would get picked up from the other side of the village? That’s never happened before.

TBH I would drop teen boys home too if it was only 15 minutes. Common courtesy for me. And others have dropped my DC home, so would return the favour.